Hey Lore91,

First off, as hard as it is to believe, there are so many people on this site who really do know how you feel. At several points throughout my life I have felt as low about myself as I think humanly possible. One thing that did help me was forgiving myself. It's so easy to be angry and frustrated and like you said in your post, "hate" yourself....believe me I have absolutely been there and actually still working on it. Try to forgive yourself. Tell yourself that what is happening to you (acne and verucca) are not in any way your fault. You are doing everything you can to rid yourself of these things (and you WILL) so let yourself love yourself. Try to have faith in Accutane. I know it's hard and I know it totally and completely sucks, but remember this mediation WILL work. You have gotten the hard parts over with. Getting the prescription and dealing with the first few months is the toughest. Now just try to love who you are, I'm sure you are an amazing person and acne is getting you down, but you are still that same great person you've always been deep down! Try to get that person back. Another thing that makes me feel better is to just say, out loud, "Who cares!?" No one else cares about your acne and verucca, truly. Now, I know these are all things that are so much easier to say than to actually do, but give them a shot. I know at my lowest points, these were the two things that made me feel a little better I really hope you can find some relief in them too. Hang in there, I've heard that by the third month things really start to improve, and fast, especially with an increased dose. You are on the right path and will be getting much needed comfort and reward for all your hard work!!

*Virtual Hug to you!

I usually don't respond to threads like this because, although I can totally sympathize with them, I sometimes don't know what to say. Like you I struggle with the negative mental effects that acne can cause. I'm prone to anxiety and when my acne gets bad I get panic attacks. Sometimes I feel like I want to die because I feel so awful. I'm now taking accutane for the second time (I'm on month 4) and it's working again. Sometimes I still have bad days (and you will too), but we both have to remain hopeful. I hope your course goes well, and if you have any accutane questions feel free to ask me since I've already been through this once before.

Hi Lore,

Like emmygirl said, there are so many people here who know exactly how you feel right now. You've come to the right place!

Accutane makes you look worse before it gets better. Sometimes that bad period can last until close to the end, but it will pass. You might like to look at pictures/videos of people who have been through this process. To ease your anxieties and help you regain hope. I know for me I've subscribed to many acne sufferers/accutane patients/acne scarred youtubers. I'm able to watch their journey and feel less isolated.

I tear up whenever I hear people really falling into such depths of depression because of the impact acne can have on their spirit. That's something I can attest to. I haven't left my house since December either, sadly. I know I'm here trying to provide a little beacon of hope, but I also want you to understand that you are not alone. I can relate to having issues with family because of this. I've let mine down so many times because I've let acne and scars consume my entire being. At times I've felt like they can't even look at me, which is the most alienating feeling possible. Keep up the fight. Take the meds and really utilize your therapy sessions. Let yourself cry when you need to, but don't let this engulf you when you do feel a little happier. Distract yourself. Read, watch your favorite shows, listen to music, whatever it is that you love. Don't stop doing the things you love while your on your accutane journey. Life doesn't have to freeze. Your hearts still beating, no matter how bad the acne is you still deserve to enjoy being alive right now, not just when your skin improves. It's a right we all have, regardless of our appearance and conditions we suffer from. Don't let this take that away from you. I've had times where I've spent 20 minutes crying on the bathroom floor after looking in the mirror, and I've had times where I've felt a surge of hope as my skin and inner sense of peace has improved. You have to get through the worst times. This forum is a great resource when you're feeling at your lowest. No need to apologize, you're welcome to vent as much as you need

Wow...I didn't expect to get any replies, haha, thank you so much! Honestly every bit of positivity is appreciated so much. Emmy; I definately agree with everything you said, and it's funny -- if a friend was going through this I would say exactly what you said, but it's just so hard to say it to yourself! I think I do need to tell myself more that it isn't my fault and there's nothing more I can physically do. I'm on the best treatments, just need to wait.

Paige; I feel exactly the same. If I ever need to leave the house I have major panic attacks, and I used to literally be so social (I would go to the opening of an envelope if I was invited), but now I'm just so distant. What I'm currently living isn't a life, and daily I think about death -- but I'm still here, 5 months after this all started - so I guess that's something! It must be a relief in a way to know that accutane worked before and to kinda gauge what you will look like after. I'm terrified that although accutane may rid the active acne. my face is permanantly going to be a blotchy, red, scarred, miserable mess.

Kay; Thank you so much! I literally watch accutane youtube videos daily -- in fact I don't think there's one I haven't seen! It's the only thing that can give me hope, although when I watch people 'improve' it does kinda upset me. For example, there's a girl who started with a face pretty similar-ish to mine (on a lesser extent) but she was cleared after the 2nd month -- and here I am going into my 3rd looking worse than when I started (So....I don't watch her anymore, haha!) I'm sorry to hear that you haven't left the house, either... I think I'm just waiting for that day when I wake up and go...oh, I'm socially presentable and acne/redmark-free! but it's not like that... I don't know when I'll have the confidence to get my life back, but I hope we can do it together and get through this.

I guess I should make some kind of 'log' while I'm at it, so...

DAY 66

I upped my dosage from 20mg to 40mg yesterday, and I think I'm going through a second initial breakout. I have broken out on my right temple, and new small, but very red and painful, spots have appearec around my lip and on my right cheek. These are already cluttered with red marks/scars that make it look like I have a lot more active acne than I do, and I'm terrified that these will be here for years...

My chest is fairly clear, but again, covered in marks. Same with my back, although I can't see the extent of the damage.

As for side effects; the dryness only kicked in about a week ago (before then I wasn't dry at all), but now I literally wake up with so much dry skin around my stubble that it looks like I have a white beard! Aside from that, the only other side effect I have had is INCREDIBLE tiredness. I get up, go have a shower and after I'm ready to sleep again. However, this is probably more likely due to the depresion side than the accutane side. (I literally have to summon so much energy to have a shower, because I hate seeing the wet, red mess I am when I step out haha...)

So that's it for now. No side effects whatsoever aside from dryness, which is a small blessing I guess. Improvement is still non-existant, but hopefully, as people say, the third month will turn around.

Thank you so much for reading!

DAY 69

Really tough day...I'm struggling to cope with the state of my appearance... I'm so red all the time and I don't understand why. I had this redness BEFORE I started the accutane, and while being on the tane it hasn't gotten better or worse. It looks like I have rubbed something I'm allergic too all over my skin, constantly, never fading. The thing is though, for the past week because I've been staying at home, I experimented with not putting on any moisturizer/face wash and to see what happened...the answer? Nothing. Still just as red. I don't understand the cause, and because there are no actives where I am red, it's not even like it's acne causing that factor...

It's so horrible...I just don't see myself ever getting up in the morning and not having a panic attack about seeing myself in the mirror, ever being comfortable enough to just go outside and be myself. I have so much to offer the world, a life to live, but this skin has just completely stopped me. Some days I'll try to be positive, but then I'll see myself and the realism of how ugly and hideous I look comes crashing back. I feel like I'm waiting for the day when I wake up and it's all miraculously gone and I can just be normal...but it won't happen. I'm cursed to just look forever ugly, haha...

I'm even dreaming about acne now.

I hope everyone is doing better than me, and having a decent weekend. I might upload some pictures later on depending on how I'm feeling...

Lore

Here are some pictures of my lack of progress Extremely upset...It just seems to be getting worse, and I don't know what to do anymore. Here is what I posted in the acne prescriptions forum:

Hey guys...so I'm currently on day 70 of accutane, so I've finished two months of accutane and am currently one week into my third month...

My dermatologist told me that I should take pictures to keep a log of how I'm doing, however, after taking some pictures today I'm so horrified to see that I actually look worse than when I started! I'm so incredibly upset...All of my old acne has left red marks which wont go, and every single new breakout I've had leaves more -- so my face, especially the right side, is just clustered with them. On top of this, before I started accutane I was extremely red alongside my cheeks -- this has seeingly only gotten worse (as you will see in the pictures).

I'm incredibly upset...I've seen people look almost clear at this stage, but I just look so much worse...I'm finding every day really difficult and am beginning to doubt going on the medication. I am 57kgs and was on 20mg for the first two months and am now on 40mg for the rest. I just don't see this being the 'miracle cure' everyone else on youtube/logs seems to have...I don't have a lot of active acne, just tons of redness, unevenness, blotchiness and hyperpigmentation/scars. I've kind of given up hope that I'll ever look like my old self (hard to believe, 6 months ago I was completely clear, not even red...) because even if I finish Accutane, I've got to wait a year until I can get scar treatments to heal the redness...and for someone who has been too ashamed to leave the house for the past 5 months, I don't know if I could cope...

Is this normal? Or should i have shown significant improvement by now? I'm so scared...I just want to be happy and to have normal skin. I don't know what to do and could use some advice/encouragement.

I'll attach some pictures. The first one was taken on my first day, the second on day 30, and the third today, on day 70.

You have no scars, your pigmentation is going to heal up well. You had a mild case prior and now, you never had severe or even moderate. Your acne covers about 10-15% of your face, rather than 50-75% like I've seen. 85% of your face and neck have perfect skin tone. You look 10x better than all the accutane diaries I've seen on month 3.

I don't want to invalidate your feelings but the fact of the matter is your case is mild. Really utilize those therapy sessions because emotionally, you're ranging toward acne dysmorphia. The reality of your skin condition versus the amount it has impacted your life doesn't compute. You're really going to heal up nicely.

Hi Kay,

Thank you kindly for your words! Unfortunately the pictures don't show the acne on my chest/back which is definately very severe. (I definately don't have the confidence to show those pictures anytime soon.)

I think if my acne was congested to one singular place it'd be easier to cope with, but when it's all over it kinda adds up, especially with the added problems on my fingers/feet. I don't neccesarilly believe I have acne dysmorphia, but my therapy is carrying on regardless.

I hope you're well!

Lore

Yea, I thought about that. Maybe that's why you're being a little harsh on yourself because your face is going to turn out really well. Some people get some severe scarring on their face during accutane, so I was a little taken aback at the good condition of your skin. I'd take your body issues in exchange for my facial scars lol, but it's always greener on the other side.

But you're a good looking guy. I've met a few guys who had severe body acne problems which led to noticeable scars, and they're all married and a couple have children. Living the Americna dream. Your face will heal and at least you'll be able to date, and even go to the grocery store without people staring. You have to count your blessings. I think everything's going to turn out for the best, the struggle wont last forever.

I think it's hard to focus on one part of your body when it's all a bit of a disaster...I'm trying to just focus on my face, as that's, obviously the most noticeale, but while that is still far from where I want it to be, I'm struggling to stay positive. It seems that my face has kind of gotten worse since I started, with the redness becoming extremely noticeable and with every spot leaving a horrible red mark. I guess on the left side of my face I have no active acne, but it's just so red and with red marks that it's hard to feel good about it, haha... If I had a perfect face and only my body was my issue, I'm sure I'd be happier, but like you said, the grass is always greener!

Thank you so much for your post, I really appreciate it. I'm hoping that this will all be over soon, but it's definately taking longer than I anticipated. If I had a picture of myself at the end and it was how I wanted to look, I'd be so happy and live my life -- but I don't know how I'm going to look, and whether even when I do finish if I'll still have all these red marks which still look like acne or not.

So, yesterday, I actually went outside for the first time since December...with no makeup. I was terrified, but something throughout the day just told me it's not that bad, and when the evening came I went out for an hour completely bare. I felt very happy and proud of myself! I think I /am/ seeing slight improvements because when I look at myself in no/dim lighting, my face is completely smooth. If a blind man felt my face he'd assume my skin was perfect -- however, when I turn on the light that's when the horror is there.

I'm so so pale (literally not even pale...I'm see-through, you can see veins on my face) so every mark is just so incredibly red and vivid. The entire right side of my face is just so red and I'm scared these wont go for ages, but fingers crossed.... as of right now I have two actives on my right temple and that's it -- just lots of redness and a horrid horrid complexion underneath.

I'm trying to be a bit stronger, but even today (after yesterdays success), I looked in the mirror this morning and took my weekly progress picture and got quite upset at what I saw...it's still something that people would consider unattractive and ugly... but I'm on my way, hopefully...

I really really want to be clear and confident for my 24th birthday in July.

Well today is crap.

I've been really trying all week to be positive, and to maybe try and see that tiny teensy bit of hope at the end of the tunnel, but what happens today when I'm getting ready? My dad comes in, "Errrr! What's that on your neck?" - "What?" - "Well it's really red, look, feel how hot it is" (rubbing his hand on the back of my neck.) Turns out I have a massive rash there which has probably been there for days/weeks without me noticing.

So I go to look in the mirror, using a handheld portable mirror so I can see the back, and yep...horrible nasty rash. While doing this, I also get a clearer view of the side of my face and see how red, blotchy, and all marked up it is. I just look a complete disaster and I'm fed up... I've just locked myself away in my room and am crying. I'm so fed up of this, of literally waiting and hoping for something that just isn't going to happen. I'm never going to look like I used too/like a normal person.

Let's just say I wouldn't mind dying right this minute, haha.

What a shame, just when I thought things were turning up, I end up seeing that it's just as bad as ever. My life is just over now, I never leave the house, my career is non-existant and all relationships with my family and friends are completely screwed up. I don't talk to anyone, I don't do anything, and every day my face and body just gets continuously worse. I just want it to be over, and I honestly can't see myself ever being happy again.

Guess that's my rant for this morning, heh...had to let it out somehow.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this I have never been on Accutane so I can't relate to that, but I can relate to the feelings of depression over how your skin looks. I have been very down lately myself and crying, and it's just hard. I know how you feel when you say you your skin is smooth, but when you look at it you see all the flaws. That's how I am. My skin is smooth for the most part, but I am also very pale/transluscent and I can see veins and redness and scars and crap and I hate it. Any time I get a zit it looks soooo red on my skin I also have bad dreams about my skin, sometimes I'll dream it's a lot worse and actually feel relieved when I wake up.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your feelings....and also that after reading your description of yourself, I was expecing far worse than what I saw in your photos. I'm not saying that to make you feel better, I just honestly wouldn't look at you and think you have bad acne. You said you'll never look like a normal person, but to me you do look normal. Like Kay said you don't seem to have scars, just red marks, and they should fade with time. And from what I have seen/read about Accutane, it usually gets a bit worse before it gets better. I bet it will work out in the end!

Darkheart, thank you so much for your post. Likewise, I'm sorry you have to go through this too Heck...sorry anyone has to go through this. I think because I'm so so pale you can literally see every clogged pore, every vein, every blush, every tiny bit of redness...I'm just so so uneven and it's horrible -- From the sounds of it, it sounds the same for you. I also have dreams about it...sometimes I'll have a normal dream, and wake up and think that everythings ok, but other times I'll dream about finding a huge cyst or something haha...

I guess I hoped by now that I would just have minimal red marks and that would be it, but instead they're pretty big and still look just as bad as the acne. I'm struggling It's really difficult right now.

I haven't left the house since December, it's May soon and there's still no light at the end of the tunnel. I've watched my whole world and life just crash around me, and I'd love to be one of those people who can just 'deal' with the acne, but I'm unfortunately not. It takes me literally hours to get ready in the morning...I wake up scared to have a shower because I know I'll be all red and horrible. When I finally have a shower, I apply my moisturizer and then turn off all the lights and just sit there in darkness for about 20-30 minutes for the moisurizer to sink in and the redness to fade before I can summon the courage to see myself in the mirror. I always tell myself, oh this week will be the week -- but it just never happens.

I have some kind of rash/scratch on my right cheek which is burning, don't know where it's come from, and today my scars all look exceptionally red and violent. I was meant to be continuing with a course today...I'm a dancer and was meant to continue my Dance-Teaching course part-time which I postponed last year due to work. I've been looking forward to it, but instead I've cancelled the entire thing. If I can't even leave the house there's no way I can go into a dance studio and sweat/get hot. My friend was like, "It's 3 hours of your life every other evening", but to an acne/skin sufferer it's so much more than that. It's an entire day of panicking and trying to hide yourself behind a mask of makeup to look even remotely acceptable, trying on three-four different shirts/vest tops to make sure every mark is covered, constant reapplication of moisturizer/makeup throughout the day to eradicate dryness...

On top of this I also have a wart on my finger and a couple of veruccae on my feet -- which I am also having treated by my derm to no avail and with at-home prescriptions. This means that I have to spend two days before I go out constantly filing away at them to remove the excess treatment (it leaves a white mark when you apply it which doesnt come off) and to make them look as presentable as possible, then apply plasters over my toes (we dance bare-feet) and hands (because obviously there is also a lot of written work) so people don't see and question.

It's exhausting. By the time you've done all of that...you're so emotionally crushed, you don't want to leave. You just want to go back to bed and hope to wake up from this nightmare.

It's been a horrid, tearful morning...I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry about this rant, sometimes it just helps to let it out -- and it seems like the folks here are the most understanding. I just want my life back...I genuinly never see myself being happy again and I don't see a point to life. What I'm living isn't a life, but I'm not strong enough to simply 'get over it' right now. I'm on antidepressants, but I don't see how they can help. I'm as happy as anyone with severe chest/back acne, facial acne, scarring/redmarks, verruca's and warts can be.

I want it to be over.

Lesigh. Heh. Sorry.

There's no need to apologise! Let it out

I feel you.. I am mentally exhausted today, all because of my skin. I have a post on here somewhere explaining how using a 10% glycolic acid lotion ruined my skin. It gave me scars, huge pores, and broken capillaries. It has been five months and my skin is so much worse than it was. Prior to this, my skin was great. It has been a very difficult and depressing five months for me to see my face deteriorate so suddenly. I feel like I lost myself and I have a hard time enjoying life because of it. I am so scared I damaged my face permanently and I just want to cry all the time... Not to mention I have been breaking out more since I used that stuff. This is the worst and hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life thus far. It sounds vain but I am just being honest...

So yeah, I can for sure relate to your suffering, as I feel I am suffering as well. My gp prescribed me an antidepressant but I took one pill and did not sleep for two nights. I so wish it had worked for me. I am thinking about going to a psychiatrist and asking for something like xanax. At least that stuff makes me care about my face less. The only thing that could really make me better though, is if my skin got better. Medication only masks the feelings a bit.

I also feel the need to wear makeup, but it doesn't hide everything so I don't even feel good with my makeup on anymore. It's so depressing. I miss being carefree and confident. How I took those feelings for granted before. I don't think we are not strong because we can't just get over it. All these skin problems are hard to deal with, and that doesn't make us weak. I too wonder if I will ever feel truly happy again, and have some dark thoughts sometimes. You are not alone!! Just remember that. Anytime you feel bad just think of me all the way over here in Pennsylvania, crying about my skin too! We will get through this. Sending virtual hugs!!

Darkheart, that really made me smile-- thank you so much. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time as well. I feel exactly the same, I've just watched my face get worse and worse...and I mean, I thought it was awful to begin with -- but for it to continuosly degenerate is heartbreaking. Like you I've 'lost myself' and to be honest I physically find it difficult to even smile now -- it controls every being of my life. I can't do ANYTHING wthout worrying about it.

My psychiatrist prescribed me Xanax and I have to say it does definately help in destroying some of your anxiety. I'm trying to not use it though because I really don't want to be on tablets/depressants and whatnot...I just want normal damn skin! Haha.

Sending big hugs your way from England!

I'm so up and down...I left the house without makeup again yesterday to go and see my psychiatrist, and she was like 'there's nothing wrong with your skin, you're over-doing it' but in my head I see the most hideous skin. I think what's worse is looking back at photos where I had clear skin. Sure, I might have one of two zits, but nothing like I do today. I just took some more photos and all I see is negativity... Everyone else who takes photos you can see a clear difference from month to month, but I just see it the same. Sure, this one part may get better, but another part has gotten worse, and vice versa ;( I don't think I should ever take photos haha...

So my friend from Scotland is down next week and invited me to stay with her for the week...I didn't know what to say so I just said yes, I've managed to cut it short so I'll only be staying Mon-Weds, but I'm so so so nervous. She was talking about going to a spa and dance class and everything...heh...there's no way I'm getting shirtless/sweaty in a spa/dance class... I don't want to go, I'm honestly having so much anxiety about seeing her and staying over -- having her see my skin as it is. Oh man I feel sick.

Darkheart, what antidepressant did they prescribe you?

I don't think our issues make us vain. The reason we care so much is because we feel like we've lost value to others. At least that's the case for me. We live in a vain world, we're not the cause and we suffer if we don't meet the image standards of society.

Lore, how close are you to this friend? I think if you're open about your insecurities it'll ease the anxiety after the initial spike. Just let her know, hey lately I've been having issues with my skin and I've been a bit anxious because of it. Once you open up and be honest with people, the secrets out and people become more understanding. Otherwise, you being nervous might confuse her. She's a woman, you'd be surprised how understanding she'll be. Women face such high image standards, we've lived our lives trying to fit in.

I'm physically shaken today. I have court on Wednesday for an unpaid rent issue and the idea of being center stage with so many people looking at me makes me so ill. I've had very bad thoughts and I've even turned to religion at this point for internal help.

I'm really close to her, we practically lived together for 5 months in France. I love her, but I think what's hardest is that we're both performers -- so typically she's stunning with her lovely tan, perfect teeth, hair, etc... and I used to consider myself attractive too - but now I'm the ugly friend, haha. Also she's down to audition for loads of things, and it's kind of heartbreaking in a way because that's what I should be doing. It sounds so so so selfish, but I can't help but feel jealous. I should be going to as many classes and auditions as I can, trying new ways to make myself look better - but instead I think I'm just stuck waiting for my face to clear.

My psychiatrist told me that I have an obsessive disorder over it, and I do agree...it controls my life. I can't do ANYthing without thinking about it. Even if I watch TV I'm jealous of the actors skin, and I'm comparing everyone on the screen to me. I constantly take pictures and 'selfies' of myself from every angle in every lighting. If I take a picture that makes me look better than I am, I'll go to the most horrible lighting I can to take a 'reality' picture.

I'm so scared of staying with her cause she'll want to go out a lot, which is still so so daunting for me. I want to hide.

Kay, honestly wishing you the best of luck with your court date, will be thinking of you in spirit! Try to keep your head up and be strong...one thing that helps me get through times when I'm outside and people are looking at me, or whatnot, is to just think about what I'm going to do when I get home. Home is my safe place, and thinking about coming home and maybe going on the computer, etc, gives me something to look forward too.

Yea! I do that with taking pictures too. If it comes out okay, I need to find lighting that'll show the truth. I've gone as far as taking videos to see how bad it looks in motion. But I've been officially diagnosed with BDD, even though my scarring is severe in reality, not just my mind. I have boxcar scars, rolling scars, extensive texture issues. But I had acne for almost 15 years.

Do you feel like you can maybe mention your insecurity in a nonchalant way? Like, just to get it out in the open? I feel like if I was your friend, and you told me you're having a little self image issue I'd be supportive and try to make you feel comfortable.

Have you ever seen True Life: I have acne? There was a dancer on that episode and she was pretty inspiring, going to auditions and continuing her passion even with skin issues. There was also a model. Because your a performer your standards are probably higher. I had a friend who was in cosmetology school and had bad skin. It was rough for her because she was working to join the beauty industry and she was surrounded by gorgeous people. You probably feel judged more harshly.

Hey man, I was in a very similar place to you. I remember taking SO MANY selfies to see how my skin looked. My face acne was much worse than yours and I healed up beautifully. I have the utmost confidence that the same will happen to you! Just keep taking your pills, use your therapist sessions to their full potential, and have faith in the accutane.

God bless,

Ross

oh Lore, I know so much how you feel, how thoughts about your skin just consume your life. I too get jealous of actors on TV, and I look for flaws on other people's faces so I don't feel that I am the only one with less than perfect skin. As for photos, I am the opposite, since my skin got worse I don't have any desire to take pics of myself, and I don't. I hate this obsessive feeling and I just want it to go away, but like you I don't think it will unless my skin gets better. I hate that I feel the need to examine my skin an inch away from the mirror, and then I get so depressed that I avoid the mirror the rest of the day. What the Hell happened to me? I feel like I am going crazy some days.

It really stinks that you are visiting with a friend and stupid skin issues seem to spoil everything. I recently went to visit my inlaws out of state, and was so anxious about my skin, but I ended up enjoying myself. I hope you will too!

Kay, I was prescribed Lexapro. I never did well with anti depressants. I took Zoloft as a teenager and it never seemed to help. I also took Klonopin and Valium as a teenager though and it helped a lot with my anxiety. I think I told you about my history with benzo's on another thread, though.... so I am always cautious when I take them. If I got a prescription of Xanax or something I would only take it when I really feel I need it. I really hate that I feel the need to take meds because I hate my skin so much. Sigh.

I wish you luck in court! There's nothing wrong with turning to religion...I have been doing that too. I have ever been religious but with all this depression I have been feeling lately it's like I am looking for something to lift me up.

Speaking of the beauty industry and acne and all, have you guys seen Cassandra Bankson's videos on YouTube? I'm sure a lot of people on here already know of her but she is a model who has acne, and her videos make me feel better sometimes. I wish I could be more confidnet like her!

Rlam, thanks so much. It's really good to see people around the site who have completed accutane! How was your experience as a whole, if you don't mind me asking? Like when did you first notice improvement/scarring disappear/how long was the course, etc?

Darkheart, I feel you so so much. I just don't know what's happened to me...to think I used to be one of those guys that wanted to be in EVERY photo at the party, haha....and now I literally can't stand it. I only take selfies of my skin, if someone wanted an actual photo I wouldn't even dare of being in it. These skin issues have just really caused me to miss outon so much...when they first started I went to Rome with a few friends shortly after and it just completely ruined my time. Now I even look back at those photos and my skin looks better than its current state.

I have seen Cassandra Bankson! I don't follow her particularly, though, because I do find her skin better than mine...it's weird...I used to watch so so so many accutane logs, and follow their progress as my weeks went on to compare -- but I'd stop watching when their skin got better than mine because I'd panic accutane wasn't working, haha.

Sooo...I'm back from staying with my friend. Was meant to stay tonight as well, but I figured 3 days and 2 nights was enough before my anxiety just got too manic for me. I've just changed so much...we used to go out all the time and just have such a laugh, and now I'm literally forcing myself to enjoy my life. She's there with her sun-bed tan, amazing newly-done veneered teeth (literally so white), flawless skin, going to auditions and dance classes -- and I'm there, trudging along as the ugly friend. It sucked watching her go off to auditions that I should be going too, but I just can't even stomach seeing my face in the bathroom mirror, let alone show myself to a panel of directors.

I was having some severe thoughts earlier...I mean what's the point of a life like this? I've kind of realized I will never have good skin, I'm just not blessed enough -- and being ugly forever is just slightly heartbreaking, especially realizing that I wanted to just leave my best friend and go home because I was so intimidated by how stunning she is. I mean, that's just pathetically shallow.... I ended up having a little nap and feel slightly better now because it's dark outside so I don't have to see myself. I'll probably update some pictures on here soon but tbh, I look the same haha.

I hope you're all having a fantastic time and I really really hope your court hearing went well! Update us, let us know how you felt.

All the best dudes and dudettes. xx

Some more update pictures, these span from March 31st to today, so it's a little over a month. My left side seems to have made some slight progress, however my right side just seems to stay the same. There's absolutely no active acne whatsoever on my face, but this redness/scarring/red marks just won't budge, and hasn't budged since I started ;( It's really disheartening because I thought accutane would help those...and you can't have any other kind of scar/red mark treatment for 6 months...

These pictures don't quite capture the redness, either, as when I email them from my phone, then upload them some of the quality is obviously lost, but you get the general jist. I don't really know what to think at this stage. Tomorrow marks the start of my 4th month, and I thought the 3rd month was meant to be the magic one! ;( I feel like I'm going to have to just get used to the idea of wearing makeup forever...

Hi been following this. I don't usually comment on here now. But let me tell you a bit about my story. I'm 29, 30 thisyear from the uk like you. I've suffered from acne since i was 18 Abliet on and off as for a few months it disappeared. Right now I would class my self as mild acne, I have a number of blocked pores and a couple of wee pimples on my cheek. I cannot go on accutane and I'm currently into my 7 week of limecycline and blue light treatment with some topicals. I believe my acne is caused in part due to heavy drinking for many years, and a lack of attention to be diet ie an internal cause and I'm going really work on that too also lifestyle, stress. Now I would say then that your in a much better position than me. Your younger and your treatment should work. I'm proberly going to have to go through this in some sort of form forever and I need to accept that my skin will never be proclean perfect. I've wasted so much time in my life shying out of things and almost ruined my career. I'm not prepared to do that anymore. My message to you is this. Firstly your acne is not bad at all. Yes, you seem to have a few pimpeles here and there but everyday I go out of the house I see people with worse acne than you. Your skin will be clear very soon. I think the thing which harms you is a pursuit of perfection. You need to say to yourself yes I have acne but this is just a feature about me I don't like. Your not a burns victim or someone with a facial deformity, most rational people would not bat an eyelid or give a damn about your apparance. Acne is not an attractive feature, there is no doubt about that, but going bald or grey being obese having a crooked nose etc is not either. You need to remember that and get on with your life while treating your acne. Be honest with freinds about how it affects you and learn to have a sense of humour about it. Believe me I'm not trying to belittle how you feel, I've felt like you for a much longer time. But the fact is you life once and life will pass you by, and you'll think that acne wasn't such of a big deal after all.

Best of luck

Rob