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Living With Oneself When Your Scars Rule Your Life

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I'm a soon 20-year old woman and my scars rule my life. (English is not my first language so be patient.) I have moderate scarring across my cheeks and temples and the quality of my skin on the rest of my face isn't great either.

I hate myself. Deeply. I've suffered from mental health issues in the past (i.e depression and anxiety disorders) but I've never hated myself like I've hated myself in the last few years after obtaining these scars.

I don't consider myself a shallow person. I put very little, if any, weight upon other people's appearances. At this point I find less normatively attractive people MORE attractive because I can feel a bit at ease.

I don't think that other people would suspect me hating myself the way I do. I come across as quite confident and funny. I'm fairly intelligent and can be quite witty and entertaining I guess. Really, I think the habits from when I was younger and unblemished and ACTUALLY a little bit confident are still hanging around, making me seem like I am okay with myself.

Though, I'm not.

I can't not think about my scars. I don't actually know how bad they are since there is a real chance I've exaggerated them, staring hours and hours in the mirror. My family tells me I exaggerate. But honestly. I think they are really fucking bad. I stare at people's skin like a freak and it feels like EVERYONE'S skin is better than mine. I don't think I've met a woman with as bad scarring as myself.

I have a lot of close friends and have no issues in my social life. Sometimes men fall in love with me. Intellectually I can understand that someone might find me attractive, but I don't feel it emotionally because of my scars. Therefore I'm afraid to approach the men (or, really, the man) I really want.

I cry every night and morning. Not only because of my scars, but because I hate myself. Though my scarring is a large part of it. Lately I've become isolated because I don't want to subject my friends and family to my personal chaos. My sister and parents are really the only one's I've told about my issues with my skin. No one has ever mentioned my scarring.

I feel ashamed of being so shallow and obsessing over something so superficial, that's why I haven't told anyone aout it, but I can't seem to stop. I hate how much my life is ruled by my scarring. It's always in the back of my head. How the lighting is hitting the face, which side of my face is the worst and I how i should style my hair to cover them up a little bit. I could use my brain to much better things than obsessing. But I just can't stop.

I feel suicidal. Like, what's the point of living this life if I can't live it fully with this scarred face that keeps me from truly living?
I recently fell head over heals in love with a boy who really allegedly loves me to. But I'm terrified to commit to him. Partly because I don't feel comfortable in my own skin but mainly because I don't want to subject him to my self-hatred, my doubts about him wanting to be with this ugly shell of a woman and low self esteem. I think it's unfair to subject him to that, he didn't ask for that. He has no idea to which extent my self hatred goes. I'm going to have to leave.
To fall in love when you hate yourself is a crushing thing.
I know this is stupid, but I needed to wright something to someone, and I can't talk to my friends about this.
This was maybe stupid, but someone else might be in a similar situation. Give me your stories and tips.

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I would be curious to see a pic of the scarring as well. You mention you had depression before scars and I wonder if you really are magnifying your scars as in body dysmorphia a bit. I know before I got bad scarring I would actually magnify my zits in my head which caused me to overtreat them many times. Also, when you do become obsessive (it's hard not to with skin problems) it really can just mess up your healing capabilities. I'd say make a mental choice to work on your depression. When you hear that negative script of words about yourself going through your head, choose to think three positive thoughts right then to offset the negative one. You are fortunate that you have good social skills, count that as a positive right there. I don't know if you really need antidepressants, probably just a spiritual awakening that you can enjoy your life and deserve to. It is hard, but living a depressed life is harder.

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I know exactly how you feel so your not alone. Im 37 and started suffering from cystic acne. I have lumpy scars on my chin. I feel sick when i look in the mirror. I have panic attacks, feel like i just dont deserve to be here. Im obsessive atlooking at people. Looking at their smooth skin. Im thinking of leaving my partner cause he deserves someone better, prettier. Im going on antideppressants and going to take cbt therapy. I want to help myself but im just lost. Simply existing everyday not living.

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