It's been a year since I returned home from volunteering in Nepal, a time that turned horrible when I had an allergic reaction to the food and broke out horribly with cystic acne on nearly 80% of my face. When I was there I had no control over the situation, I was living in villages and small towns and had little access to any kind of effective medical assistance. I can not even begin to explain the emotional/psychological toll this experience had on me, especially the feeling of helplessness, of not being able to do anything to help my situation and having to witness it grow worse each day. So, when I returned home I basically made it my life's mission to clear my face and then to do battle with the aftermath; the horrible scars left behind as a cruel, ever-present reminder. And so after clearing my skin, then finding a skin clinic and undergoing laser genesis, pearl resurfacing laser, micro needling and now a recent fraxel 1550, I have noticed some improvement, but not enough to keep me from falling into the the thought loops that seem to have taken over my every day. The anxiety that comes with constantly worrying about these marks and indentations all over my face. Just when I think I may have overcome it, just when I think today will be different from all the rest, that I will be able to get through it without thinking about them, or that I'm going to somehow confidently choose not to care...I am reminded, without warning, that my face is inferior...that in this world of beauty tyranny and impossible standards, I will never be "normal". As much as I want to hope that one day my face can be what it was before 3 months of volunteering overseas permanently changed it for the worse, the more logical side of me recognizes this is basically a pipe dream.
I usually try to keep these thoughts to myself, I never share them with others, and I'm sorry if others find this post depressing. But this is the only place where I feel like I may be understood.
I'm tired of no longer feeling normal.
I'm tired of witnessing the gaze of other's eyes fall away from looking at my eyes during conversation, and instead darting back and forth from scar to scar on my face, studying the imperfection and then returning the gaze back to me as if nothing happened.
I'm sick and tired of fighting, of constantly having to be strong and talk myself up before entering any social situation.
Let's face it, having acne scars is so emotionally and psychologically exhausting. And this is largely unrecognized.
And so, for those who are experiencing similar emotions, let me just offer you this one consolation: you are not alone. I understand your pain. I experience it every day of my life. My heart hurts as I type this, just thinking of anyone else having to live through this hell.
But know you are not alone, and I send you my love.
Chin up my friend! With persistence and patience you can improve your quality of life. I have been where you are and some days I find myself back there in the depression but this is the body I have been given. I cannot escape it so I must embrace it and change it slowly.
Keep writing, open a blog, get a journal. It helps, trust me.
Think of yourself as a work in progress.
xx
Thanks Quirky,
I appreciate your encouragement.
The only thing that keeps me going is being pro-active about my skin and continuing to do treatments.
But on those days where the depression sets in, and everything seems glum, I'm thankful for places like this, where I can share openly and know that I am understood.
All the best to you friend!
Also, Quirky, how are you doing in the battle against your scars, do you feel like you've had any victories?
This reminds me SO much of myself. I am 32, got my first serious acne scars about a year and a half ago as a result of training. I decided to become an endurance athlete and it eventually ruined my face. Training for 8-9 hours a day in the heat and stress from girl problems and taking performance supplements (I think). I do not take sports supplements any more and stick solely to a healthy diet. But the damage was done. I actually have seen steady improvements to my scarring. Needling has yielded the results, slowly and steadily. That combined with topicals like hyaluronic acid, copper peptides, EGF, tretinoin cream, vitamin c serum, beta glucan, and fruit stem cells; and a very healthy diet including loads of fruit and veggies; and supplements like vitamin c and zinc and hyaluronic acid and proline and msm and stuff. I haven't made any scars disappear yet, but I have only been working on them for about 6 months, and in scar time, that's nothing. I think, though, that I have come a very long way in just 6 months and I feel like I am getting ever closer to the day that I can not be bothered by it any longer. I still hope that a year from now I can maybe have this nightmare behind me. I have the exact same problems you spoke of. I have nightmares about my face. I wake up consumed with anxiety every morning. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting better and becoming confident enough to move past it, and without fail, every morning I wind up back in anxiety town after having had a nightmare about the months that ruined my face. Even if I do start to feel better about it, looking around at everyone's nice, clear skin makes me feel inferior. which sucks. My confidence has been totally compromised, my happiness has been totally compromised, and my personality has been totally compromised. I am getting better, although very slowly. I can feel that I have gotten better, but I am still not good yet. I feel for you. I know what you are going through, and I understand. Luckily, all of my scarring is pretty shallow, and I am confident I can improve it to the point it no longer bothers me, but losing these last few years of my younger life to something like this is stupid and unnecessary. I feel so much for everyone that has to deal with this. So many people on here have suffered with it their whole lives and with so much more severe cases, it's truly awful. Best of luck to you on your journey. we are all in this together