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Valerie22

Acne and its emotional toll

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I don't know how many can relate but I just wanted to post how having super mild acne to severe acne has completely destroyed me. I had mild acne (3 pimples max at a time) and went on an antibiotic since I'm so hard on myself. Ever since becoming used to them in June they have slowly made my skin horrible. I ended up just quitting them and ended up with the worst acne in my life within a few weeks. Ive always been an insanely insecure girl my whole life even though I have strangers call me beautiful and I knew I was attractive to others, but never ever saw it in the mirror.

My whole summer this past year was ruined. I had just met a new guy and just moved to Toronto and my whole life was going great for once. Acne started ruining our relationship. He would ask why I wouldn't let him kiss me or seemed distracted. The whole truth was I was in my head thinking about how gross my face probably looks in the sunlight. I wouldn't even lay down with him on the beautiful summer day because what if the sun caught my face and he could see all the bumps. Oddly enough, he never even noticed I had horrible skin since I covered it amazingly and would always pick at it so it would be flat and would be so much easier to cover (all girls who see this will probably understand!) I would avoid sleeping over and if I did id make SURE I woke up before him. Id try to run out before breakfast because the natural light in his apartment would shine on my face. I ended up ending things with him even though he was the first extremely attractive guy in my life to treat me amazingly (the most important thing). I was extremely upset but thought things would get better. 

I was wrong. That was June and its now November and my face still looks horrible. Everyday I wake up with a new pimple and although when I'm wearing make up you can usually on a good day only see a few active bumps there are tons of red marks all over my face from a prior breakout. I have avoided seeing all my friends, I'm not working or in school and I haven't been out on the weekend since June. 

The most heartbreaking thing was that I saved money to go to Europe all throughout my last year of high school and had everything booked for this September. I thought I had an allergic reaction or was just drinking too much in Toronto with my then boyfriend that it would calm down soon. I was so wrong. I had to go to Europe, the trip I had saved up for when my skin was pretty much clear with the worst skin of my life. My face was caked at the airport while many other girls were so beautiful and natural. Although I have good memories and had some good skin days, I know it would of been atrip of a life time if my skin was clear or just wasn't as bad. I would've made more friends and wouldn't of spent days inside after I picked my face. I met an amazing guy there but we only ever met at fancy bars where the lighting was amazing and we all know how much that changes things. I also can't help but feel so guilty when im called beautiful because of what my skin looks like without make up.

On top of this I tried to change my diet and saw no improvement (no dairy, low carb, no sugar) (thought maybe I had candida) and I ended up with an eating disorder which I am ALSO dealing with right now. These last months sure have been devastating. Not to say a clean diet doesnt help for some people. I still eat healthy 

I think the worst thing about having bad skin is how you don't want to let it effect you but you can't help it. You think about it constantly every second everyday. Its the first thing I do when I wake up, I run to the mirror and see what last breakout has healed, what bumps will be hard to cover with make up and the complete devastation of a big new pimple usually.  What many people don't realize is that the emotional effect of having acne is hardly ever a vanity related issue. Acne has isolated me, stripped me of my self confidence and sent me into a deep depression. I realize this is not the case for many but I am so sensitive and have always been prone to depression so this has been extremely hard for me since I hardly go out and can't socialize so im in the biggest depression of my life.

I can't help but be jealous of people who wake up in the morning and open the windows and see the sun and their first thought isn't "wow my face will look horrible in this" I can't help but also be jealous of friends who can go out and drink and not worry how horrible their face will breakout. 

I am currently on accutane (only 10mg) since oct 31st. (havent seen any improvement its too early)I know I should'nt be on it since I have depression which is literally being caused by this acne but I could either suffer and stay in my home or go on accutane and hopefully get better. I also see a therapist but of course I go with a whole face of makeup because going without foundation literally is my worst fear and to be honest therapy isnt helping and my therapist probably doesnt see it as a huge issue. I can't stop thinking of how great life could be if my skin was great. I could sleepover at friends, a guys house, go on runs in the morning with no make up feel the air on my face.

I know there are many worse problems but I just also wanted to post this for anyone else who feels alone. I contemplated taking my own life today but the one thing to remember is yes there is worst problems and this will make me stronger in the end and have sympathy and better character for those who also suffer from any kind of disease or skin issue. I know we all can't help but think what did we do to deserve this but there is always light at the end of tunnel. I believe once we cure or at least can control our acne we will be able to be thankful to be alive and love life more than those who have always been blessed with good skin. I don't want to bring anyone down with negativity by this post although I know many will be able to relate. and I really believe anyone reading this will be cured or be happy with their skin soon. Better days ahead :).



 

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i can relate 100% to this . not being able to hold down relationships or commitments, it gets really painful. when you're stuck in that depression its so easy to feel alone, insecure, or even inhuman bc of the way acne is viewed by society. I'm there myself. i hope things get better for you. 

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Thank you for replying, Its nice to know I'm not alone and I really hope things do get better for you as well. I think in a way its good that we can realize we are not ready for a relationship instead of pushing ourselves and being in negative unhealthy relationships because were not happy with ourselves. There is nothing wrong with taking time to work and love yourself in order to be able to have healthy good relationships :). It also does really make depression hard to avoid when you do feel so isolated and its hard to tell your friends or a love interest that you don't want to see them because your skin. We will have extra love for ourselves once we get through this since we realize how strong we are!

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Omg I relate to this on every level I rlly do, but I want to share with you my perspective on things. So I too struggle with depression, past eating disorder, drugs/alcohol, horrible self esteem, etc. I know for a fact that at least some of my emotional problems stems from having acne since the sixth grade and being made fun of... but right now I’m trying to focus on my other problems within myself, like my thinking and how I talk to myself in my head, because I know that even if my skin was magically 100% clear and perfect, I would still be depressed. I dont know if that makes sense.. basically just trying to better myself in other aspects as well. Also the next thing is that I used to never be able to literally step foot outside without full makeup. While I’m still self conscious, I can now go out in public sometimes without it. It’s taken me a long time! But if I’m thinking it’s not likely to see someone I know then I don’t wear makeup! Sometimes you just have to say fuck it and if someone stares at me then fuck them they won’t remember it in like an hour. 
Ok didn’t mean for this to be so long but reading your post was literally all of my exact thoughts a year ago. I feel like I’m in a better place now and just wanted to share with u how I got here

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Valorie22 go and get back with your boyfriend go to school and go out with friends.  Lots of men do not mind acne and even with the acne you can still be attractive. I wear foundation all of the time even to sleep. I also met my boyfriend on isotretinion we have been together for 5 years. Go live your life.

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13 hours ago, Slothgurl said:

Omg I relate to this on every level I rlly do, but I want to share with you my perspective on things. So I too struggle with depression, past eating disorder, drugs/alcohol, horrible self esteem, etc. I know for a fact that at least some of my emotional problems stems from having acne since the sixth grade and being made fun of... but right now I’m trying to focus on my other problems within myself, like my thinking and how I talk to myself in my head, because I know that even if my skin was magically 100% clear and perfect, I would still be depressed. I dont know if that makes sense.. basically just trying to better myself in other aspects as well. Also the next thing is that I used to never be able to literally step foot outside without full makeup. While I’m still self conscious, I can now go out in public sometimes without it. It’s taken me a long time! But if I’m thinking it’s not likely to see someone I know then I don’t wear makeup! Sometimes you just have to say fuck it and if someone stares at me then fuck them they won’t remember it in like an hour. 
Ok didn’t mean for this to be so long but reading your post was literally all of my exact thoughts a year ago. I feel like I’m in a better place now and just wanted to share with u how I got here

I know exactly how you feel too. Ive always had mild depression but was able to control it and do things that made me feel better. Such as hanging out with friends, shopping, working out, going on hikes, and now that my skin is so bad it has stopped me from doing those things. I was even able to get over my eating disorder and have good eating habits but now that my skin is so bad ever since being on accutane my ed has come back full force and its for sure not helping my skin but it isn't the root cause of it since I've had acne since grade seven. I also can relate to knowing I won't be 100% happy with clear skin but its a START and for sure would help me with self confidence that I literally have no self confidence and can't even look people in the eye. I honestly just want to sit at home until my skin starts to clear from the accutane but days feel like years when you're literally not doing anything. Im so happy to hear you're doing better. I know I can't accept the state of my skin right now so I know I won't be happy anytime soon :(. 
23 minutes ago, RNAcne said:

Valorie22 go and get back with your boyfriend go to school and go out with friends.  Lots of men do not mind acne and even with the acne you can still be attractive. I wear foundation all of the time even to sleep. I also met my boyfriend on isotretinion we have been together for 5 years. Go live your life.

I know men don't care but It just makes me really self conscious and I know that if I'm not in a relationship where I'm confident or at least have some self esteem, I won't be as best as a partner as I could be and I would constantly feel insecure and therefore the relationship just wouldn't be healthy..did the accutane work for you?
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I honestly believe we can be really good friends in real life. This is completely 110% relatable. I'm so glad we're both on accutane together. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He had really bad acne too but when we first started dating, his slowly went away and now he's completely clear. I'm still stuck with acne. Even though he understands how acne can affect ones self esteem and life... I still feel shitty around him when I have a huge cysts on my face. And its not because I'm uncomfortable with him. I just feel so shit that I still have to deal with the acne. Acne is honestly so evil.

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Hi Valorie.  I can totally relate.  In 2015 I took a once in a lifetime trip to Italy and my acne was front and center.  I had a blast but the anxiety due to my skin was unreal.  It sucks!  Allow yourself to feel your frustration- but also know acne does not define you.  Accutane is a rough ride but take it one step at a time.

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hhhh I feel this so much!!! especially the sunlight thing..... I find it so pathetic how I literally avoid sunlight and stay in shadows when I'm outside.... I really feel like acne is stealing my whole life away. So many things that I know I would enjoy so much but I CAN'T do because of my skin!! Going to the beach!! Sleepovers!! Trips with friends!!!  It controls my everyday!! From the second I wake up I'm checking my skin, applying makeup, trying to deal with the fact that I can't cover anything and that I have to go outside like that, avoiding sunlight, avoiding looking people in the eye, knowing that people are staring, stopping myself from picking my skin, removing my makeup at night and crying at the sight of my skin :/....

I do talk to my boyfriend about all of this though, and it helps. At first he didn't really get it and it was frustrating and embarrassing but now he's really sympathetic. It's nice to be able to be honest with him. I keep this from my friends but I think in a relationship it's worth it to open up about it (eventually) rather than feeling like it has to force you away. 

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the world would be a much happier place if acne didn't exist.. my acne has gotten better since high school but the emotional toll it has given me when I was younger has made me forget how to make eye contact with any girl I talk to.. Last night, I was approached by a girl at the theatre, I talked and nodded to/at her while looking at the popcorn prices and left when she asked me for my name. :smileys_n_people_15: 

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Isotretinion worked wonders for me but it took 5 months to clear me. 

Being in a relationship would help you feel much better the self consciousness goes away once you become close with your partner.

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23 hours ago, leelowe1 said:

Hi Valorie.  I can totally relate.  In 2015 I took a once in a lifetime trip to Italy and my acne was front and center.  I had a blast but the anxiety due to my skin was unreal.  It sucks!  Allow yourself to feel your frustration- but also know acne does not define you.  Accutane is a rough ride but take it one step at a time.

Thank you for replying. And traveling is just horrible with it. I can't help but be jealous of people who go to the airport make up less and don't have to stress about the plane ride breaking them out. I feel like its held me back so much. I seriously would travel the world if I didn't have to stress about my skin every second!
22 hours ago, avalati said:

hhhh I feel this so much!!! especially the sunlight thing..... I find it so pathetic how I literally avoid sunlight and stay in shadows when I'm outside.... I really feel like acne is stealing my whole life away. So many things that I know I would enjoy so much but I CAN'T do because of my skin!! Going to the beach!! Sleepovers!! Trips with friends!!!  It controls my everyday!! From the second I wake up I'm checking my skin, applying makeup, trying to deal with the fact that I can't cover anything and that I have to go outside like that, avoiding sunlight, avoiding looking people in the eye, knowing that people are staring, stopping myself from picking my skin, removing my makeup at night and crying at the sight of my skin :/....

I do talk to my boyfriend about all of this though, and it helps. At first he didn't really get it and it was frustrating and embarrassing but now he's really sympathetic. It's nice to be able to be honest with him. I keep this from my friends but I think in a relationship it's worth it to open up about it (eventually) rather than feeling like it has to force you away. 

I haven't even left my house in a few days since starting accutane my face is so bad and whenever I see the sun coming through the curtains I just want to cry. I would just love to be outside in the nice sun but all I can think is how all the bumps on my face will be so visible even with make up :( I'm even starting to worry about Christmas morning, I'm going to have to cake my face with make up before my family wakes up. Im usually so excited for Christmas but I'm in such a deep depression I can't even get myself excited. 
21 hours ago, philosophyguy11 said:

the world would be a much happier place if acne didn't exist.. my acne has gotten better since high school but the emotional toll it has given me when I was younger has made me forget how to make eye contact with any girl I talk to.. Last night, I was approached by a girl at the theatre, I talked and nodded to/at her while looking at the popcorn prices and left when she asked me for my name. :smileys_n_people_15: 

I know how it feels. I know that everyone still is interested in me everywhere I go regardless of my skin, but I just cannot accept it. I never will be able to. And I know how It feels to distance yourself not because of how others act towards you having acne, but how you feel about having it. Ive never had anyone say anything rude to me and I doubt guys even notice since I where make up but I just have literally no self confidence and I can't even be myself so i just distance myself from everyone. Im on accutane so hopefully I see results :(
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you are definitely not alone. my skin has been clear for so long until i started breaking out in august. ever since, my skin has been really bad and i can’t stand to look myself in the mirror. if i catch a glimpse of myself i will start to cry because of how bad the spots are. everyday i just hope with everything i try it’ll go away but i’m still struggling. remember, it is not permanent. we will both get through this. i hope you find something that works for you.

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8 hours ago, queenaynay said:

you are definitely not alone. my skin has been clear for so long until i started breaking out in august. ever since, my skin has been really bad and i can’t stand to look myself in the mirror. if i catch a glimpse of myself i will start to cry because of how bad the spots are. everyday i just hope with everything i try it’ll go away but i’m still struggling. remember, it is not permanent. we will both get through this. i hope you find something that works for you.

ever since end of June for me :( I've had it mild but once it becomes more severe its a whole new hell. Its so hard to keep believing it'll get better once its already been a few months. I go to bed crying every night. Ive been on accutane for 22 days, not seeing much improvement but I'm on such a low dosage so it'll take a while. Have you tried accutane? 
9 hours ago, ailaeshiz said:
@Valerie22 I really hope the accutane works out for your Valerie
 
Thank you. I hope you find a cure or already have :)
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