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Accutane Log: Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces

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Well, after extensive research and frequent stalking of several people's profiles, I decided to take the accutane plunge. My acne history is basically the same sob-story as everyone else's: started out mild, then started getting cysts, topicals didn't work, antibiotics didn't work, yada, yada, yada. I even went so far as the “all natural†approach complete with tea tree oil and goat milk soap (that did shit) and then decided to stop washing my face (that did further shit.) One doctor already suggested accutane when I was at the tender age of fifteen, but I got scared of all the potential side-effects and decided that living my life for the next four years looking like the surface of Io was way better. If only I could go back in time and tell my younger, less-pimple ridden self what I know now.

I just got back from getting my bloodwork done. I've gotten a lot of bloodwork done in this short life of mine already and for some reason, I like to watch when the needle gets all foggy with heat and the blood pools in. Every time I do this, the person taking my blood always goes “Are you alright?†as if she's terrified I'm going to faint at any second. If the bloodwork comes back good, I'll be picking up my prescription tomorrow.

As of now, there are three cysts on my right cheek, one on my left temple, a generous sprinkling of whiteheads on my forehead and the so-called “pimple moustache†on my upper lip (sometimes it can go as far as turning into a pimple-goatee). Of course, I don't make things any better by slathering cover-up and foundation on every morning, but I'd rather be cake-face than zit-head.

My Current Living Situation: Going to college, first year, five hours away from home, doing a useless General Studies course. Living with my uncle, who I believe is Joseph Stalin reincarnated. The college is one and a half hours away on bus (three transfers). I work part-time at a dodgy coffee place that smells kind of like meat and have no idea how it hasn't gone out of business yet. All in all, I think every aspect of my life would be better if I didn't have a small mountain range growing up out of it.

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I am so excited for your log. I love the way you talk/write. I literally laughed out loud reading this. :lol:

Anyway, yay for Accutane! I'm happy for you. I'll be starting my second course of 'Tane in March, so I'll for sure be checking in on your log to see how you're doing. Good luck and hang on to your sense of humor!

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Good luck on starting your course! Today is my 3rd day! I, just like you tried all the different crap they give ya at the derm with no luck and went the natural route also but with fish oil, ACV, coconut oil and a few other things and nothing ever worked although the fish oil did seem to help so I continue that. Anywho I am happy for you and will keep track of your log!

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Wow – thanks for the comments. I didn't actually expect that. Just finished classes here at the old college (economics = shoot me. What is the point of this course? Seriously? If someone asked me what it was, I don't think I could tell them and yet I have to find a way to scrape through it with a passable mark) and I am now in the school library typing this discreetly on the library computer. I managed to tint the screen dark so no one will see my acne musings...

Anyways – the reason WHY I'm using the library computer instead of my own is because mine decided to go ballistic on me and screw me up with some shizz called “kernel panic†(hence my user name.) So, that really sucks since I despise where I live and computer games really pass the time so I don't have to hang around Joseph Stalin.

I get to go and see AVATAR tonight (third time) and had to buy tickets ultra-early because 3-D still sells out super early. I get to go with my cousin and his girlfriend. Just for the record, I was living with said cousin during the last term of college, which made the experience slightly less dreadful, but then him and his girlfriend decided to move in together and that would have just been one step below menage-a-trois if I lived with them, hence taking up residence with Stalin. Why I am telling you all of this? I have no idea. Oh wait – I actually did remember. I meant to start this paragraph saying that even though I have horrid, cystic acne, I try not to let it get in the way of my social life. It's hard, and sometimes I would rather crawl under a rock than go out in public, but I do it anyways. I'm also ESTATIC that I'm going to be “home†late tonight (preferably anything over midnight would be great) so I can avoid Stalin and his reluctant crew.

Someone just took the computer beside me and they smell like onions and cumin, so I'm going to have to sign off now before I die.

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You don't like Economics? I LOVE ECONOMICS! I tutor my boyfriend who is in college in it, and I'm still just a Senior in high school (he's a sophomore).


Economics and English are my life. Maybe I just like the letter E?

ANYWAY--Congratulations! Accutane is a big step, but it's a big step in the right direction! I'm looking forward to reading your log. :D

I like to watch the blood go into the viles as well! My nurse has gotten used to it now though.

Also, I don't know why I'm starting a new paragraph after every line or two.

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@Jerichoa: I don't know why I don't like Economics. It's more like I don't like anything school related, actually. Although I do like English. Well, that was a lie - I like Creative Writing, which is sort of a "branch" or English, you could say.

this is DAY ONE:

Forgot to mention yesterday: that little link on my signature took me FOREVER to figure out. I accidentally linked it to several other people's posts before finally getting my own. Oops.

AVATAR was fucking sweet! How come that movie never gets old? Not to mention that Sam Worthington is one sexy stud muffin. Anywho, raging hormones aside... I'm sooooooooo excited for today! I feel like it's the night before christmas. ANYWAYS, here are my peripherals:



5 ft 1

98 lbs

Going on a four month course of accutane

That's about all I can think of now. I don't even know what my accutane dose is yet, since I'm going to pick up my prescription today after class, then pop my first pill tonight. Already looking forward to drying up like a bit of apple under a dehydrator.

I was thinking about putting up pictures on my progress, but am not because one: I'm lazy and two: I'm inept at almost everything computer related. My skin's pretty much the same as yesterday. Some of the forehead treats popped and a couple more decided to spring to the surface. I'm really glad I found this website, since now I can vent and (hopefully) get some support while I'm on my course. I'd much rather take my accutane course while I'm at home, God knows that Stalin here would never offer any support. He just stood and stared at me after I sliced open my finger on a knife. Interesting story: so I go to peel this cucumber for a salad, but its still in it's wrapper. I get out a knife and try to cut the plastic off to no avail and start having a bit of a tantrum. That's when I realize that the neighbour is watching me from his backyard and the position of my hands on the cucumber was... well, nothing that would be acceptable on network cable vis-a-vis: it looked like I was giving the cucumber a hand job. So I sort of hid the cucumber behind the counter and tried to slice it, but the knife slipped and I ended up slicing my finger open instead. That was when Stalin came in the room and when I showed him my finger gushing blood, he simply said – and I am not making this up - “Well, what do you want me to do about it?†Do about it? Do about it?! I want to you drive my to the fucking hospital, that's what I want you to do about it!! Luckily for my quickly-dwindling blood supply, his wife came into the room then and drove me to the hospital and waited while I got stitched up.

What was I talking about in the first place? I have no idea. Sorry for going tremendously off-topic, for anyone that's still reading this and didn't hit their back browser when this started drifting away from the topic of acne.

Edited by kernel.panic
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Thanks for stopping by my log and showing support! I just wanted to stop by and let you know that your posts are hilarious! Looks like we'll be going through this together so YAY for that! Cheers to picture perfect skin by summer! On a side note, if you could walk me through posting a link to my log in my signature it would be greatly appreciated. I can't figure it out, grrr....

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Thanks for all the comments guys :D:D:D. Makes me feel special.


Well, I just popped my first pill with supper tonight, since I heard your supposed to take this stuff with fat. I'm taking 60 mg for now. I'm pretty sure my doctor was telling me about dosages and stuff, but I wasn't really listening (a terrible habit I have of doing). Getting the pills went fine, I love how the pharmacist sort of looked at me as if to size me up to make sure that my skin was worthy of taking it. He then proceeded to go on about all the pregnancy horror-stories and suggested that I don't dye my hair while I'm on this stuff because it could all fall out. Yes, thank you, but I don't dye my hair anyways. I also stocked up on stuff to use while I'm on accutane. The list goes as follows:

-SpectroJel as a cleanser

-Cetaphil lotion as a moisturizer (actually London Drugs brand knock-off, but cheaper with the same ingredients)

-Burt's Bees Chapstick

-Vitamin B Complex pills since multi-vitamins are a no-no because of the vitamin A.

That's all I could think of at the time, and these items have throughly exhausted my monthly budget. If there's anything else I forgot to get, please feel free to tell me. Also, if anyone knows how Mill's On Liberty is related to Feyerabend's How to Defend Society Against Science that would also be great, since it is a question that will be in my Philosophy mid-term that makes absolutely no sense to me.

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YAY, YAY! DAY ONE! HOORAY! I wish I could tell you more of what's in store for you, but I'm not even sure that I fully comprehend what's coming my way. I'm halfway through my first week though, and have yet to die. That should bring you some peace of mind.

I had my mother pick up my prescription because I didn't want the pharmacist to see me. Also, I had applied for a job there a few weeks earlier, and they called me up about two weeks ago and said that they had filled the position with someone who could get there thirty minutes earlier, even though I am "more qualified." Opportunity costs. Heh.

I'm SO excited that you're only a few days behind me. 'TANE BUDDY! MWUAH!!!!! Super good luck to you, and don't obsess over one single side effect. If you're anything like me, you'll end up convincing yourself that you're pregnant and worry for the rest of the month. Even if you've never had sex. Even if you've never seen a man before.

GOOD LUCK! :boogie:

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No side effects to report yet, but I have to say that I didn't really expect that much anyways. The skin is no better or no worse, although I did get a small cluster of whiteheads on the left side of my mouth that went away by the time I got back from school. I ended up falling asleep in Geography today (useless class anyways) since trying to make that 8:30 class is somewhat of a tiring hassle with the bus transfers and whatnot, so I end up missing that class more often than not. I made friends with a smart person in that class solely so I could copy their notes. It's funny that I don't really have a lot of friends in college, more just class-acquaintances. More often than not, I just hang around with my cousin and his circle of friends, which all happen to be lovely people.

I finally got my computer back today (curse you kernel panic for making my life stretch out infinitely for the past two weeks!) I guess it had a fried video controller card, plus waaaaaaay too much stuff on it for the hard drive to be able to support itself. I pretended to act all cool like I really knew what the computer guy was talking about when in reality it sounded like he was trying to explain Quantum Mechanics to me (which actually are somewhat interesting to, from what I gather on Wikipedia). I just nodded and said, “So, that means I have to delete some stuff?†And that's what I'll be doing for the better chunk of tonight, since my computer is all clogged up with illegally-downloaded movies that were supposed to go on my iPod for my watching pleasure, but really, is there any pleasure in watching a movie on a screen the size of a match-box? Seriously?

I also somehow found myself signing up for a credit card at Zellers today, not entirely sure what I was doing the entire time because the woman ringing me through had a REALLY thick Hungarian accent and I just kept saying “Yeah†to everything that she said to me, and the next thing I know, she's handing me a document to look over and sign and it's like “Oh shit – this is for a credit card.†So, I have no idea whether or not my purchases were actually paid for today and have added “cancel Zeller's card†to my ever-expanding list of mundane things to do.

I do, in fact, realize that most of this entry had nothing to do with my skin, but I keep telling myself that I'll start talking about it when I start to see/feel side effects. In reality, this is probably going to end up being one of those blogs that ramble on about nothing in particular.

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Hey, thanks for posting in my blog :D

As other posters have already mentioned, your ability to play with words is truly amazing!

We started at almost the same time, hopefully we both come out with clear skin by the end of our courses :pray:

By the way, I hate kernel panics ;)

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Thanks for all the compliments on this blog guys. Maybe I'll just become a freelance writer and forget this college stuff.

I realize that these updates are getting a little ridiculous, I really do. I'll try and refrain myself from updating until there actually IS something acne-related. I'm loving having to take my zit pills with fat, particularly of the peanut butter variety. So far, not much dryness. More just whitehead overturn and the cysts on my cheek seem to be going down, but I have the sinking suspicion that there will be plenty more of these suckers to come in the next few months... I also love not having to bother with topicals and shit. It's just wash and GO!

Currently, I'm on my break at work. After today, I don't work for at least a week. I suspect this is because this place is so dead, they cannot afford to pay all their employees. I move that they pay me in coffee, instead, since I can't seem to live without at least five cups of the stuff a day. It's right up there with my foundation dependance.

Also, this place isn't all that bad to work at solely for the reason that the best-looking guy in the world also works here. I swear to God, he looks like something that an artist would draw if they tried to depict a Greek God. There is a downside, however: I'm also certainly positive that he is gay. Of course, he hasn't admitted that much to me yet, but I've caught him on several occasions checking out the asses of the occasional but rare men that drift in and out of this decrepit coffee shop. I often find myself dilemma-ed whether or not to actually straight out ask if he's gay or not, but then decide that it could turn out awkward either way. I'm tempted to take a picture of him just to determine how symmetrical his features really are, I just have to do it in a sneaky fashion. And charge my camera...

Alternatively, I found some mascara in my bag that claims to be waterproof, yet can wash off with water. How is this even possible? What sort of deceiving product trickery are you trying to pull on me, Avon? I put some on anyways and fully expect to have raccoon eyes by the end of the day.

In addition – I also have to check out other people's logs that I'm following, just so they know that I'm not neglecting them. We swears we'll get some comments up on there tonight. You have not been abandoned! I appreciate all your support and I fully intend on returning it.

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Maybe he's not gay... Maybe he's just making sure he still looks better than the rest of the guys!

You're almost halfway through your first week! :D I love your blog. X]

How're you feeling?

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@jerichoa: I feel great. There's actually side effects now, which means that progress will come soon! Also – I'm glad you're enjoying my log. And I enjoy the compliments. Anyone who says they don't enjoy compliments is full of shit.

Did anyone else OD slightly on cinnamon hearts yesterday, or was that just me?


Yes! I finally have something to report today. But first, I'll take you on a little adventure. So, it's “reading week†at my college this week (and at a lot of post-secondary institutions across Canada, from what I gather.) So I was downtown on Sunday, idling the day away in the library, mostly stalking this website, then began wandering around downtown a little and happened to go past the Greyhound bus stop. Struck by a sudden epiphany, I thought “Why am I not going home this week? Why would I possibly want to stay with Stalin and his reluctant crew for the ENTIRE week when I could be home with my family?†Plus, I missed my dog. She has nine nipples and is frisbee-obsessed. So, I went, looked at the bus schedule and saw that the last bus going out to my home town out in the boonies was in four hours, otherwise I would have to wait until Monday to head out. And there was NO way I was going to stay one more night in imprisonment, so I bought a bus ticket, hopped on the transit bus back to where I live, frantically packed my bags and grabbed the bus back to the bus stop with ten minutes to spare. Quite the nerve-wracking experience. I was shaking all over when I boarded. Then on the bus ride home (which, incidentally is seven hours on bus when compared to five hours in car) I ripped through all of my homework and finished it all (albeit probably very terribly and sloppy). So HA! Take that, procrastination! You will not defeat me this time! Then, when I showed up at home, my mother's first words to me were “What the fuck are you doing here?†And then we watched “The Time Traveller's Wifeâ€, which was a major disappointment (ie. it sucked balls) compared to the book, plus Eric Bana's wig in the first half was rather distracting.

ONTO my skin: So, nothing was really happening for the first three days. There was significant zit overturn, but that's perfectly normal. Then when I woke up on Sunday, I did the usual routine of washing, although I didn't really moisturize. As I was eating breakfast, there was a most unusual feeling that the skin around my nose was too tight, so I went to look in the mirror and lo' and behold! DRY SKIN! Yes. I proceeded to slap on my cetaphil knock-off before applying my coverup and foundation and applied generous coats of lip chap to my lips throughout the day, since the whole dry-up process hit me like a tonne of bricks.

AND this morning when I woke up in the comfort of my own home instead of under the roof of a fascist dictator, my lips felt like they were on fire. I'm assuming I'll have to use a lip chap with a thicker viscosity at night. I also enjoy not slathering whatever combo of topicals I deem necessary over my just-surfacing zits in a vain attempt to get them to stop forming. They may come as they please now, because I know it will be the last time that pore will ever grow it's own to-scale replica of Mt. Vesuvius on my face. Also, when I washed my face it felt... smoother, I guess. I'm assuming this is from the rapid shedding of my skin. There's still all the bumps there, but between them, my skin doesn't feel like sandpaper anymore. It feels more like a granite countertop. Me likey.

On a completely unrelated note, my brother showed me THIS website this morning and this is what I've been doing all day.


For Avatar geeks, this is like porn.

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DRY SKIN! That's what I can't WAIT for, but dang it, it's taking it's sweet time drying out. I forgot about the rapid skin shedding too! Mmmm...

*touches your skin* Smoooooottthh.... Isn't it great?!

By the way... That's you in your avatar, correct? You're quite adorable yourself! *runs around giggling*

I'm glad that you made it home and that the ball is really starting to roll now. Good luck! :D <3

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Not on cinnamon hearts but on regular old candy hearts. I've had 3 bags in the past 3 days ALL TO MYSELF... they are my addiction and my recently fully stocked kitchen cabinets prove it!

I think it's great how almost everyone that starts accutance just can't wait for something to happen, whether it be good or bad. I guess because we've all had some many things NOT work that even bad is good because at least we know it's doing its thing.

PrettySpotty! - LMAO, I obviously was not lucky enough to hear that saying before your posting of it but wowzers... that's just hilarious!

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@audabby: I'm glad I'm not the only one who eats bags of candy like they're going out of style

@soccersweety: ditto on the chocolate


Well, I have to say, not much to report on the home front today. My hands are dry and started to crack and bleed around the knuckles. It is also chinooking outside.

Since I'm already seated and turned on the computer, I feel obliged to write something anyways, so I'll ramble on about my day.

So today me and me brother had to go up to my Oma's house because she's moved out into a smaller place but still has most of her old shit there and we had to go to sort out all the food in her cold room and bring it upstairs. Let's just say, my Oma is a major hoarder. She could put a squirrel hoarding nuts for the winter to shame. Here is a list of several of the more-odd/ shifty items that we found in her house (and by the way, EVERYTHING was expired by at least a year. The oldest stuff we found was from the 60's):

-Several glass juice jars that were filled with pickle brine that at first I thought was urine.

-Baby Duck hard liquor

-About twenty various boxes of spices that were so old you could smell them from half a foot away

-Some air freshener that if you sprayed it, I'm pretty sure it would kill you

-An old jar of peanut butter that looked and smelt plastic. It also had a tiny piece of cheese in it

-Some of those crackers that you put in your soup that were so old that they morphed into the smell of Stoned Wheat Thins

-At least three jars of “Raspberry Leaves†that looked and smelt suspiciously like marijuana

-“Poison Antidoteâ€

-Enough jars of dry beans that I could have made a bean bag chair with it

-Three-year-old beef jerky.

-Corn syrup that turned into the colour and consistency of molasses

-A frozen tomatoe in her freezer

-Booze, booze and more booze. I'm beginning to suspect that my Oma is a lush

-About a thousand cupcake containers, at least fifty of which were made of chocolate

-Countless bottles, cans, tins and jars that had that distinctive “late eighty's, early 90's†font

-A dead mouse

Overall, it felt like I spent a day in the seventies. I feel all logy now. And I ate some cookies that were from 2006.

I'm positive that my Oma was stocking up for a nuclear holocaust. She would totally survive down there in that cold room. It even has a freaky seal door. She could also open her own grocery store with the food in her house.

Okay, I remembered something about my skin. The thee cysts on my right cheek sort of just went away. They had some juicy heads yesterday, which I refrained from popping, and then when I woke up today, there wasn't the usual pressure on my cheek like someone pushing their thumb down on my face in an attempt to crush my cheekbone. I touched my face and it didn't feel like three rubber eraser heads were protruding from my skin. Confused, I sprang out of bed with the enthusiasm of a child on Christmas morning and ran to the bathroom to look in the mirror, and saw that those cysts were indeed almost non-existent. A miracle, I say. Of course, then my eyes began to wander across the rest of my face, which isn't pretty. Two more cysts on my left cheek decided to surface during today and sort of scabbed over oddly, but I found that my whiteheads are going away much quicker.

Well, I have to sign off now. There's some sort of Olympic medal ceremony going on that my mother is screaming at me to watch. Does anyone else think that the Olympic medal ceremony song sounds a lot like the medal ceremony at the end of Star Wars?

Do or do not. There is no try. May the force the with you.

Edited by kernel.panic
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