Hello.

I just want to share my story.

I've been javing acne ever since I was around middle school, and I dont remember seeing any other kid with acne, it was just me.

One time I was waiting in the cafeteria to get my food, the kid in front of me looked back at me and said "Whoa, someone jerks off a lot." I just stared at him in shock. I knew he was talking about my scne because of where his eyes looked at, and after a while I knew about this cultural belief that if someone masturbates he gets acne breakouts.

Ever since that day I knew my acne was as apparent as my whole figure, and that people are gonna either notice them a lot.

I was already a shy quiet kid, I had a cute face and an innocent look, but then acne appeared and I got a lot of comments in middle school about them.

One guy looked at my back and gasped because I had acne there too.

I still remember these moments exactly because of bow hurt they made me feel.

I decided to steal my sisters' foundations, and started applying it on my face occasionally to hide the acne, or at least reduce its redness.

Things got better, until my sisters and mom noticed that and thought I was pretending/ wanting to be a girl, I kept denying that I put on foundation and kept reducing the amount until they all stopped their claims.

Things went well again, people stopped noticing them that much and I had more courage to actually go out and show my face.

Until some friends noticed the foundation leaving traces on my collar. They were good friends, they just told me about it being there, and accepted my lie of it being food lol.

Kept doing that til high school, no medication was taken. Except applying lemon and sugar on my face and popping zits out, the lemon thing seemed to reduce it a little, but I never knew at the time that it wasnt good to pop em.

Anyhow, just before graduation, one of my sister confronted me about the make up addiction I had, she spoke quietly and calmly saying that she knew all about it for a long time and that she suspected I was gay.

I told her the whole story, of how I got bullied for it and I only wanted to look normal just as everyone else.

She told me that the right thing was to talk to her and our family, I felt better.

I started studying abroad, no make up was taken in the luggage, just medication from the dermatologist which were working preventing breakout and eliminating zits.

I felt so free and myself at that time, I actually felt the air hit my face and I remember being all tears about that feeling.

After a while, I had an event and I needed make up to look like a certain fictional character ( cosplaying thing), I bought the make up (including the foundation) and after that event, I couldnt stop myself from using it to reduce the redness of my acne again. Its like an obsession. I do go out with no make up occasionally, to the doctor, co-op, stores, and stuff, but I still wear sunglasses and try to hide away from people as much as possible. Its just that I feel more judged, more insecure when my acne is way too appaprent.

Dont tell me how bad make up can be for our skin, I already know that. But seriously, I just cant show up with red acne.

One time when I came back from studying abroad, I began crying at my reflection. Seeing all my friends and those good looking people on instagram and stuff, people I knew personally that became models. That just mad me feel bad and jealous of their skin.

I know theyre not flawless, and I just hope their good looks last forever, but I wish the same for me.

Ive always wanted to act and become an actor, ive even had the opportunity. But I stalled and ran away, because of my acne. And I never chased that dream, its still on the list and I'll head for it once my skin is good.

The moment I realized how my appearance made me cry, and how I couldnt see my own reflection. I was like ok, thats it. Imma take accutane no matter what.

And so right now, I'm on my 3rd week of accutane. It is working, slightly.

I do have occasionally breakouts, but not as severe as they used to be. Im told that itll get even better with a couple of months, so im being patient about it, as for the side effects, im having some back pains but meh thats fine.

Oh and I still put on foundation, just not as much. Cant wait for the day i throw that shit away and feel more comfortable in my own skin.