YEAH i had cystic acne ...it was horrible ...ruins your skin ... no one should have to go through that i did at 14

100% agree with this point. There's a particular kind of stigma associated with acne scarring, because you are viewed as being dirty and lazy. People who have never experienced severe cystic acne and the resulting scars blame the victim. I also experienced severe cystic acne very young as a 14 yo and that pretty much destroyed my sense of self worth at the time. I literally was the kid with the worst acne in the entire high school. It sucks to have to experience it that age because you are completely powerless to do something about it. You have zero financial resources to help yourself.

As much as I love my parents, I have always resented them for not doing what they could to help me through such a dark period. Having parents who are immigrants, they didn't understand the devastating consequences of severe acne and scarring and how it affects every facet of a person's life. It didn't make it any easier that both of my siblings never ever got acne and have flawless skin. It just frustrates me when they tell me how obsessed and vain I am for caring so much about it. On the contrary, I think if they were in my shoes they would have been similarly devastated by it (maybe even more so). I just don't understand how my parents watched their child go from a bright, outspoken kid to someone who became severely depressed and not try to do something about it. They could have spared me so much pain, depression, and isolation. To make it worse, being told that your acne is your fault for being dirty and lazy only compounded the mental anguish.

It's taken so much emotional and financial resources to fight this thing.

Acne scarring isn't just debilitating appearance wise. Since it's usually the result of chronic severe acne that lasts for years, it ends up serving as a reminder of all that time you were stuck with it. I had cystic acne starting at the age of 11. Yeah, ELEVEN. Also the fact that acne scarring has a strong stigma behind it whereas other facial deformities/scars don't makes it difficult to cope with. Most people still think that pitted scarring is only caused by picking. If my scars were caused by a horrible accident people would probably just feel really bad, but instead people blatantly say things like, "Yeah, that's why you don't pick." If people at least were educated on cystic acne and scarring I think sufferers would be less insecure about it. I'm really glad there are people on here who can still be confident with scarring, but there are others who aren't. And poor confidence isn't something you can magically snap out of it. The only time I was ever happy with my awful skin was when I was on medication for depression/adhd (Ritalin), that extra dopamine made me extremely confident with myself, not something I could have achieved without it.

My parents tried to help, and I went to a dermatologist, and got X-ray treatments that did no good. I had dermabrasion at 18. All I could think of was girls, and all they could see was acne. I know that I did not achieve what I was capable of because of the acne. Put me on a level playing field and I would have smoked those pukes who were getting the girls I wanted. The thing is I never gave up on myself. I married beauty twice. Perhaps I overcompensate for my youth. My pretty, much younger girlfriend is moving out today. We have been doing this for 3 years so it is not unusual, and I know we will get back together again in the future. Hell we both agree that we need a break from each other, but we will still see each other.

My acne didn't bother me too much up until it started scarring...then I realized what I thought I would grow out of was something I'd have to live with forever. When you have bad acne there's also hope that it will get better, but with scarring that mentality is a lot harder to get over, because there's no guarantee you can get rid of it, only improve it. That's another reason it's so hard to deal with.

My parents tried to help, and I went to a dermatologist, and got X-ray treatments that did no good. I had dermabrasion at 18. All I could think of was girls, and all they could see was acne. I know that I did not achieve what I was capable of because of the acne. Put me on a level playing field and I would have smoked those pukes who were getting the girls I wanted. The thing is I never gave up on myself. I married beauty twice. Perhaps I overcompensate for my youth. My pretty, much younger girlfriend is moving out today. We have been doing this for 3 years so it is not unusual, and I know we will get back together again in the future. Hell we both agree that we need a break from each other, but we will still see each other.

instead of taking me to a derm my parents got me those stupid oxema pads that were alcohol wipes i think they dried out my skin so much they made it worse ...its crazy what some of us have went through ...and can't get rid of

instead of taking me to a derm my parents got me those stupid oxema pads that were alcohol wipes i think they dried out my skin so much they made it worse ...its crazy what some of us have went through ...and can't get rid of

Lol your situation reminds me of something very similar I had to go through when I was 19 my mother worked temporarily as an accountant in a hospital and I went with her to check out her new office just out of curiosity you know, apparently a doctor saw me about 5 days later she came home with a very suspicious jar which contains some kind of a remedy he prescribed to clear up my face It was literally the worst thing I've ever tasted in my entire life I swear it had a feet flavor to it of some kind.

Whenever I think about the hundreds of medications/remedies/procedures/bullshit I had to go through in order to partly have a clear skin makes me think about destiny and how much of a comedian entity it is and what a fascinating twisted sense of humor it has.

I was desperate for anything that would help stop the acne. I even tried atheletes foot powder. I would lay under a sunlamp trying to burn away the acne. I was alwys sunburned back then. I used to lift weights, and then I figured that must be causing the acne so I stopped that. Nothing worked other than growing out of it. I still wonder if fasting would have helped at all. All the crazy ideas that went through my head.

I can't totally relate. At this very right moment I feel suicidal. I have acne scars from moderate acne as a teenager .I'm 26 and still, battling to reduce my acne scarring. Nearly most times before I go sleep I have suicidal thoughts. I'm alone with my thoughts and all I think about is, if its worth it or not. I have good days and bad days but for some reason before I go sleep I have suicidal thought's. It sucks.

I'd take pores over scars any day.

I say that too.

.....Scars and depression are my friends.

Mint Berry Crunch, I saw your pictures in another thread and I think your skin looks pretty good, at least I think I'd be happy if my scars looked like that... in a bad lightning I look like a monster, rolling scars are the worst!

Anyway, I'm constantly depressed about my scars as well. I don't have suicidal thoughts (yet), but I think I'm slowly becoming insane.I try to meet friends or go on dates only when it's dark outside, I always try to sit in a place where there isn't much light because then my scars are less noticable, haha. When I'm talking with someone I can't focus, the only thing on my mind is "Am I standing in a good lightning", "Is he/she staring at my scars". This isn't normal, and I'm afraid it might get worse.

On the other hand, I *never* heard any comment about my scarring. On the contrary, I heard people say that I look good, I'm handsome etc.. (I never believe that - another of my problems) It seems a lot of people don't even care about scars, or maybe it's just easier to get away with it being a guy? I don't know.

Mint Berry Crunch, I saw your pictures in another thread and I think your skin looks pretty good, at least I think I'd be happy if my scars looked like that... in a bad lightning I look like a monster, rolling scars are the worst!

Anyway, I'm constantly depressed about my scars as well. I don't have suicidal thoughts (yet), but I think I'm slowly becoming insane.I try to meet friends or go on dates only when it's dark outside, I always try to sit in a place where there isn't much light because then my scars are less noticable, haha. When I'm talking with someone I can't focus, the only thing on my mind is "Am I standing in a good lightning", "Is he/she staring at my scars". This isn't normal, and I'm afraid it might get worse.

On the other hand, I *never* heard any comment about my scarring. On the contrary, I heard people say that I look good, I'm handsome etc.. (I never believe that - another of my problems) It seems a lot of people don't even care about scars, or maybe it's just easier to get away with it being a guy? I don't know.

I'm also definitely like you. When there's alot of light I really dislike it and can tell people look directly at my scars. I cannot look at someone face and speak to them I really need to work on that. I'm always looking away I would speak to someone, look at their face for like 4 seconds then look away. I'm so awkward but im working on it.

Do you ever find yourself constantly going back and forth to the mirror all the time?
I do this thing where I take a handheld mirror into the garden, 'cos I don't trust the lighting in my house. (Yeah, the neighbours must be like What the f**k?!)
Sometimes mirrors don't seem trustworthy so I'll take my phone or my laptop, take a 5-10 minute video and then review the footage later to try and determine how bad it looks...

It's a really destructive obsession of mine, but it just keeps calling me back in. It's gotten to the point where I'm so used to telling myself it's not so bad, or it's awful (depending on my mood) that I honestly can't really tell anymore. As sad as it sounds I just wish I could see myself through someone else's eyes.

I want to change everything about my life, but with the scars it's like, well how can I?

Do you ever find yourself constantly going back and forth to the mirror all the time?

I do this thing where I take a handheld mirror into the garden, 'cos I don't trust the lighting in my house. (Yeah, the neighbours must be like What the f**k?!)

Sometimes mirrors don't seem trustworthy so I'll take my phone or my laptop, take a 5-10 minute video and then review the footage later to try and determine how bad it looks...

It's a really destructive obsession of mine, but it just keeps calling me back in. It's gotten to the point where I'm so used to telling myself it's not so bad, or it's awful (depending on my mood) that I honestly can't really tell anymore. As sad as it sounds I just wish I could see myself through someone else's eyes.

I want to change everything about my life, but with the scars it's like, well how can I?

This is self-torture you shouldn't do that because the mind is a very deceiving tool even sometimes malicious, I don't have the guts to look in the mirror up close anymore even though I keep convincing myself that being exposed to the truth is better than having false hope.

And yeah about the whole thing where we get confused of how different our skin looks in various times I have two theories it's either the mind is playing games or specially for people like us whom skin is what their lives revolves around we notice the slightest differences or improvements that occur to our face and both hypotheses are very likely to be true.

I've always thought about how could I live normally after wasting so many years, However I never really thought about how to make the most of my situation and if it's possible to put those years behind my back !!! What If I start living and not pay it any attention just for a change and find out that I wasn't wrong for making a big deal about it but I was wrong putting my life on hold because of it ?!!!! There are two possibilities : 1 - I'll acquire my life back, start to build social relationships and get comfortable having conversations face to face again. 2 - I'll get crushed by reality because of how sensitive I've become about my condition and never manage to socialize again.

And that would be my life's enigma.

Do you ever find yourself constantly going back and forth to the mirror all the time?

I do this thing where I take a handheld mirror into the garden, 'cos I don't trust the lighting in my house. (Yeah, the neighbours must be like What the f**k?!)

Sometimes mirrors don't seem trustworthy so I'll take my phone or my laptop, take a 5-10 minute video and then review the footage later to try and determine how bad it looks...

It's a really destructive obsession of mine, but it just keeps calling me back in. It's gotten to the point where I'm so used to telling myself it's not so bad, or it's awful (depending on my mood) that I honestly can't really tell anymore. As sad as it sounds I just wish I could see myself through someone else's eyes.

I want to change everything about my life, but with the scars it's like, well how can I?

I have a handheld mirror and I use it a lot during the day.

I also use my phone to take videos of myself to see what my face looks like, so i'm pretty much like you mate. Have you got any pics of your acne?

 

Do you ever find yourself constantly going back and forth to the mirror all the time?

I do this thing where I take a handheld mirror into the garden, 'cos I don't trust the lighting in my house. (Yeah, the neighbours must be like What the f**k?!)

Sometimes mirrors don't seem trustworthy so I'll take my phone or my laptop, take a 5-10 minute video and then review the footage later to try and determine how bad it looks...

It's a really destructive obsession of mine, but it just keeps calling me back in. It's gotten to the point where I'm so used to telling myself it's not so bad, or it's awful (depending on my mood) that I honestly can't really tell anymore. As sad as it sounds I just wish I could see myself through someone else's eyes.

I want to change everything about my life, but with the scars it's like, well how can I?

I have a handheld mirror and I use it a lot during the day.

I also use my phone to take videos of myself to see what my face looks like, so i'm pretty much like you mate. Have you got any pics of your acne?

It's not great is it? haha

Yep. I do. Here's a couple.

It's mainly ice pick scars on my left cheek, with a few boxcars on my right.

I am feeling so shocked to hear about this thread. Somebody in our society does not try to realize themselves. They think that suicide is the best solution for his or her problem. I also sometimes getting so annoyed with my life patner and decise to suicide. But it is really a bad thinking.

 

Do you ever find yourself constantly going back and forth to the mirror all the time?

I do this thing where I take a handheld mirror into the garden, 'cos I don't trust the lighting in my house. (Yeah, the neighbours must be like What the f**k?!)

Sometimes mirrors don't seem trustworthy so I'll take my phone or my laptop, take a 5-10 minute video and then review the footage later to try and determine how bad it looks...

It's a really destructive obsession of mine, but it just keeps calling me back in. It's gotten to the point where I'm so used to telling myself it's not so bad, or it's awful (depending on my mood) that I honestly can't really tell anymore. As sad as it sounds I just wish I could see myself through someone else's eyes.

I want to change everything about my life, but with the scars it's like, well how can I?

I have a handheld mirror and I use it a lot during the day.

I also use my phone to take videos of myself to see what my face looks like, so i'm pretty much like you mate. Have you got any pics of your acne?

It's not great is it? haha

Yep. I do. Here's a couple.

It's mainly ice pick scars on my left cheek, with a few boxcars on my right.

Scars suck... the life out of me. I just landed in California to surprise my boyfriend. I should be excited and happy but what's been plaguing my mind? How bad my scars are going to look to him. How I am going to have to walk around outside in the sunlight with every scar on display. I just checked into my hotel room and all I wanna do is sleep but I had to go and face myself in the mirror, in the hideous lighting they have here, and cry as I derma rolled my face hoping for some temporary plumping and swelling so I can face him tomorrow. I'm even thinking should I just break up with him? I feel he deserves someone beautiful. I am pretty but my skin is just awful.

I can't live my life with these scars. This isn't living it's merely just existing. An awful existence. Tonight after a long time I thought of suicide because I'm on vacation and can't even enjoy it like I should because of these damn scars. They've robbed all the joy out of my life. And as silly and immature as it sounds it's not fair. Looking around and seeing all these other people daily with smooth skin, a natural thing we are all born with, and then having to suffer every single day with these craters on my face is just too hard to take. My heart cries out so badly for the days of smooth skin. When I was open, happy and care free.

Scars suck... the life out of me. I just landed in California to surprise my boyfriend. I should be excited and happy but what's been plaguing my mind? How bad my scars are going to look to him. How I am going to have to walk around outside in the sunlight with every scar on display. I just checked into my hotel room and all I wanna do is sleep but I had to go and face myself in the mirror, in the hideous lighting they have here, and cry as I derma rolled my face hoping for some temporary plumping and swelling so I can face him tomorrow. I'm even thinking should I just break up with him? I feel he deserves someone beautiful. I am pretty but my skin is just awful.

I can't live my life with these scars. This isn't living it's merely just existing. An awful existence. Tonight after a long time I thought of suicide because I'm on vacation and can't even enjoy it like I should because of these damn scars. They've robbed all the joy out of my life. And as silly and immature as it sounds it's not fair. Looking around and seeing all these other people daily with smooth skin, a natural thing we are all born with, and then having to suffer every single day with these craters on my face is just too hard to take. My heart cries out so badly for the days of smooth skin. When I was open, happy and care free.

I am so, so sorry you feel the way you do Pineapple. I know exactly the feeling. About an hour and a half ago, I had a huge panic attack and break down because I took photos of my acne scars on my iPad for blogging purposes. I haven't taken a photo of my skin for a while because the exact same thing happened last time. I took it under harsh lighting in the bathroom, and I usually wash my face with the light off and a small light far away so I have just enough illumination to see what I'm doing.

My heart cries also. It bleeds. I live in the past. Every song or show or movie or moment I recall before this horrific thing scarred me is a pain, but also the only memory of happiness I have. I have been so close to suicide so often lately. So close. Scarily close.

I also know how it feels to see every damn person walk around with the gift that has been robbed from us- normal, healthy, blemish and scar free skin. I hate them all, and I hate myself for hating them.

Just focus on the strength you had to find a boyfriend. The strength you have had to fly to him to surprise him. The strength you will draw upon to walk in the sun where scars are at their worst (well actually I find the worst is in the sun whilst looking at them from the car rear-view mirror).

If your boyfriend has hung around you before, chances are (unfortunately) that some harsh angle of light has hit your skin at some point illuminating them. Fortunately, if he is still your boyfriend, then he obviously doesn't care. If you are meeting him for the first time, and he does not see them as your strength, struggle, pain and beauty that has been written onto your face, then he isn't worth it. At all. Kick him to the curb.

But I know how it is to wish to be that perfect, beautiful partner. That Disney-esque character that will somehow keep a partner because we look good and therefore are worthy enough. In theory sounds ridiculous and shallow. In reality, it is the only thing that seems important sometimes...most times.

Just don't do what I do. Check your face in every, single, bloody mirror and from every angle. That will tear your bleeding heart out.

Please remember your strengths. Take care of yourself okay?

PS: shouldn't this thread be moved to the 'emotional and psychological effects of acne' forum?

Man, a lot of intense emotions here. I've wrestled with these same feelings for a long time. Over the past year or so, my significant other has made a new group of friends, and I have pretty much come up with every excuse not to meet them. Of course, the real reason is I feel embarrassed and afraid that these new friends will judge and think I'm not even in the same league. It's hard when you are dating someone that other people think is attractive, and you feel you just don't measure up.

It's incredible how this whole struggle with acne scars can fundamentally change you. I was doing one of those Myers Briggs Personality tests online, just out of curiousity. I found myself struggling to answer the questions, because I didn't know how I would truly answer the questions if I didn't suffer from pretty bad acne scars. Would I have been more extroverted / assertive instead of introverted and reserved? What parts of my personality would have been different if I was given a chance at "decent" skin?

Ultimately, I know all of this waxing philosophically is pointless and we have to make the best of our current situation. I've chosen to fight and improve the scarring, but God have I given up a lot along the way. PineappleXexpress, I know what you mean, I haven't been doing much living, just existing. That said, to the previous posters, I've seen your pics and most are not even bad. You have to keep it in perspective.

 

 

 

Scars suck... the life out of me. I just landed in California to* surprise my boyfriend. I should be excited and happy but what's been plaguing my mind? How bad my scars are going to look to him. How I am going to have to walk around outside in the sunlight with every scar on display. I just checked into my hotel room and all I wanna do is sleep but I had to go and face myself in the mirror, in the hideous lighting they have here, and cry as I derma rolled my face hoping for some temporary plumping and swelling so I can face him tomorrow. I'm even thinking should I just break up with him? I feel he deserves someone beautiful. I am pretty but my skin is just awful.

I can't live my life with these scars. This isn't living it's merely just existing. An awful existence. Tonight after a long time I thought of suicide because I'm on vacation and can't even enjoy it like I should because of these damn scars. They've robbed all the joy out of my life. And as silly and immature as it sounds it's not fair. Looking around and seeing all these other people daily with smooth skin, a natural thing we are all born with, and then having to suffer every single day with these craters on my face is just too hard to take. My heart cries out so badly for the days of smooth skin. When I was open, happy and care free.

I am so, so sorry you feel the way you do Pineapple. I know exactly the feeling. About an hour and a half ago, I had a huge panic attack and break down because I took photos of my acne scars on my iPad for blogging purposes. I haven't taken a photo of my skin for a while because the exact same thing happened last time. I took it under harsh lighting in the bathroom, and I usually wash my face with the light off and a small light far away so I have just enough illumination to see what I'm doing.

My heart cries also. It bleeds. I live in the past. Every song or show or movie or moment I recall before this horrific thing scarred me is a pain, but also the only memory of happiness I have. I have been so close to suicide so often lately. So close. Scarily close.

I also know how it feels to see every damn person walk around with the gift that has been robbed from us- normal, healthy, blemish and scar free skin. I hate them all, and I hate myself for hating them.

Just focus on the strength you had to find a boyfriend. The strength you have had to fly to him to surprise him. The strength you will draw upon to walk in the sun where scars are at their worst (well actually I find the worst is in the sun whilst looking at them from the car rear-view mirror).

If your boyfriend has hung around you before, chances are (unfortunately) that some harsh angle of light has hit your skin at some point illuminating them. Fortunately, if he is still your boyfriend, then he obviously doesn't care. If you are meeting him for the first time, and he does not see them as your strength, struggle, pain and beauty that has been written onto your face, then he isn't worth it. At all. Kick him to the curb.

But I know how it is to wish to be that perfect, beautiful partner. That Disney-esque character that will somehow keep a partner because we look good and therefore are worthy enough. In theory sounds ridiculous and shallow. In reality, it is the only thing that seems important sometimes...most times.

Just don't do what I do. Check your face in every, single, bloody mirror and from every angle. That will tear your bleeding heart out.

Please remember your strengths. Take care of yourself okay?

PS: shouldn't this thread be moved to the 'emotional and psychological effects of acne' forum?

Hey, thank you so much for your thoughtful, kind words. Means so much to me. I can completely relate to your iPad photo taking situation. I actually posted a thread here a while back about a similar experience. I hadn't taken a photo of my scars in ages and when I did that day it was a shocker. I didn't even realize my skin could look so disgusting. I don't know if it was the camera or the lighting but something was not right. I remember crying to my mom that evening because I was so shocked, depressed and just plain drained with this battle. Bad lighting is the worst. You can get used to your face in the lighting you see it in everyday but then you go to a fitting room and catch your reflection in the hideous overhead florescent lights and BAM their you are looking worse then you thought you looked when you left the house. I don't even look at my face in fitting rooms anymore because I can't handle what might be looking back at me. How sad that I'm afraid of my own face.

And like you said, I will try to focus on my strengths and not my scars although, it is definitely a lot harder then it sounds. It sucks being self conscious every day. He's going to want to show me around his city, the beaches and what not and I do not have any desire what so ever to do so because of these scars. As pathetic as it sounds I would rather just stay in the hotel room, blinds drawn, and maybe venture out at night like a vampire. But obviously I can't be such a buzz kill.

My boyfriend has come down to visit me a couple of times so I guess he must have seen my scars. That's the only thing that's keeping me going to surprise him tonight. I also recently mustered up the courage to tell him about my scars and the treatment I'm getting for them, he said he's seen me and didn't even notice anything on my face (polite lies). I brought along so many pretty dresses but now I think what's the point? I have a hot body but once you reach the face it's pretty much a disaster.

Scars change your life so much. Every aspect of it, at least for me. And like you said that you find yourself hating these people with clear skin and then find yourself hating yourself for hating them... I totally feel you on that. I've never been the type to hate people before but sometimes I catch myself looking at someone's skin, and seeing how smooth it is and happy they are and I just feel furious inside. Thinking that was once me. Then I get scared, am I going to turn into those bitter old people one day?

I just wish scar correction was easier but it's like a shot in the dark. I read these success stories here and feel all hopeful and tell myself oh if they can do it so can I but damn it, it's been almost a year of this derma rolling bullshit and still no obvious results. So frustrating. I started these infini intracel type treatment with the dermatologist claiming 70% improvement, which I'm hoping will do something otherwise I'll basically be hopeless, more depressed and broke.

And sydboi, please if you ever need to talk and are feeling suicidal or find yourself getting scarily close to suicide again just message me. It honestly does help to talk. Even last night just posting here and seeing your wonderful response as well as all the other relatable posts it really helps to take the load off. Sometimes it's consoling to know that other's feel your pain and validate it rather then tell you that you look fine which makes one feel crazy.

PS: I think this thread is perfect in this forum. I visited the emotional/psychological forum and it seems majority of the posts are from, people with acne or red marks. At least we have one emotional post going here where we can just vent when needed to people with the same ailment.

i would be ugly with or without scars so that helps alot ...lol...its hard to find someone to love if you don't love yourself ...and if your like me u can't look in a mirror without being discusted!

i would be ugly with or without scars so that helps alot ...lol...its hard to find someone to love if you don't love yourself ...and if your like me u can't look in a mirror without being discusted!

I hate it when I read messages from people here with such low self-esteem! Especially since I've seen your pics and you are not ugly at all. Sure, you have scars, but I don't think they make you ugly. But I understand how you feel since I've been there and still am there many days. I'm married with a kid and they get me through life without being suicidal. There is no way I would leave my son. Children do make you see the world in a more beautiful light.

I don't come here as much as I used to, because it can be bad for me. I try to focus on my other hobbies when I have free time and not dwell on fixing my scars so much. I did try the fractora and after many weeks now, I am not terribly impressed. It's disappointing. Treating scars is often a series of disappointments so it's good to take a break from it and keep your mind healthy. Scars may not be so treatable at this time (maybe hope for future) but happiness is attainable, and we shouldn't let the scarring take all our happiness. It is a choice as cliche as that is. It just one that is very hard to make every day. But you have to do it. Life is short and we shouldn't waste it. Maybe God has a reason for giving us this scarring. Just know the reason is not for us to kill ourselves. That is Satan's hopes and dreams for us. I have so much I want to accomplish in life and I think I deserve it even with scarring. And so do u!

I hate to say it but, no matter how positive I try to be, one look in the mirror, because of my acne scars, i get this over-whelming feeling of wanting to end it all. It really sucks because I actually try very hard through diet, exercise, socializing, going out, etc. to combat these feelings but nothing seems to work other than improvement to the situation... which lately, has been none because I have recently in the past few months have decided to quit smoking and also more recently, have decided to quit pot before I get a procedure done (for optimal results, not even for my health). I feel like I'm going insane because of this shit, and I just turned 25 which wasn't fun... I've had acne scars since I was 19. I more often now think of suicide than not, compared to when I was younger. Just needed to get that off my chest, I know many people feel the same here. I hate the fact that I can't control these suicidal ideations as well. F, M, L!

Man, a lot of intense emotions here. I've wrestled with these same feelings for a long time. Over the past year or so, my significant other has made a new group of friends, and I have pretty much come up with every excuse not to meet them. Of course, the real reason is I feel embarrassed and afraid that these new friends will judge and think I'm not even in the same league. It's hard when you are dating someone that other people think is attractive, and you feel you just don't measure up.

It's incredible how this whole struggle with acne scars can fundamentally change you. I was doing one of those Myers Briggs Personality tests online, just out of curiousity. I found myself struggling to answer the questions, because I didn't know how I would truly answer the questions if I didn't suffer from pretty bad acne scars. Would I have been more extroverted / assertive instead of introverted and reserved? What parts of my personality would have been different if I was given a chance at "decent" skin?

Ultimately, I know all of this waxing philosophically is pointless and we have to make the best of our current situation. I've chosen to fight and improve the scarring, but God have I given up a lot along the way. PineappleXexpress, I know what you mean, I haven't been doing much living, just existing. That said, to the previous posters, I've seen your pics and most are not even bad. You have to keep it in perspective.

Blahblah, and also Pineapple, how did you guys find someone? I so desperately want a relationship. Find someone. A companion. I just can't. Like you said Blahblah, the fact that people will/could compare us in terms of beauty is a fear, but even that is a fear I could (potentially) dismiss in lieu of my fear that my significant other would find someone better, who isn't so obsessed with food, hygiene, creams, and skin. Someone who looks better. Someone whose face they can run their fingers over, and not feel bumps, or see scars. To just see the world positively. Together. How do you guys do it? You have such strength.

My personality has also changed. I was known as a perpetually happy kid. I mean constantly smiling. I was 7 or 8 and I was helping disabled children in my class, befriending those who wer bullied, feeling sorry for those people made fun of because of their lack of physical or sporting prowess. I was rarely angry or upset even through the intense, debilitating things I've had to go through in life before this curse was upon me. Even with severe acne, I still found some strength in the fact that my skin wasn't very scarred. I seemed to escape it for quite a number of years even with actual cysts and nodes and nodules (not just semi large pimples that people seem to refer to as cysts).

Then in the last year and a bit, especially in the last six months, I have ruined skin, roughness beyond believe, volume loss and atrophic scarring. Even aside from the scarring, do see such disgusting damaged skin is horrifying, and I haven't seem to be able to come to terms with it just yet.

My personality now has changed. I'm angry. I'm bitter. I don't want anything to do with many people. I used to be popular because I cared for others, was happy and funny and beautiful as a guy. I mean for goodness sake, girls used to come up to me and ask me what I did for my skin. It was flawless. But I never made anyone feel bad. Now I wish I could make others feel bad about themselves. And that's just f%**ed up.

I hope you continue to fight Blahblah. Your one of the people on here who seem so knowledgeable and helpful. and I read your posts to gain my own strength. So thank you.

 

 

 

 

Scars suck... the life out of me. I just landed in California to* surprise my boyfriend. I should be excited and happy but what's been plaguing my mind? How bad my scars are going to look to him. How I am going to have to walk around outside in the sunlight with every scar on display. I just checked into my hotel room and all I wanna do is sleep but I had to go and face myself in the mirror, in the hideous lighting they have here, and cry as I derma rolled my face hoping for some temporary plumping and swelling so I can face him tomorrow. I'm even thinking should I just break up with him? I feel he deserves someone beautiful. I am pretty but my skin is just awful.

I can't live my life with these scars. This isn't living it's merely just existing. An awful existence. Tonight after a long time I thought of suicide because I'm on vacation and can't even enjoy it like I should because of these damn scars. They've robbed all the joy out of my life. And as silly and immature as it sounds it's not fair. Looking around and seeing all these other people daily with smooth skin, a natural thing we are all born with, and then having to suffer every single day with these craters on my face is just too hard to take. My heart cries out so badly for the days of smooth skin. When I was open, happy and care free.

I am so, so sorry you feel the way you do Pineapple. I know exactly the feeling. About an hour and a half ago, I had a huge panic attack and break down because I took photos of my acne scars on my iPad for blogging purposes. I haven't taken a photo of my skin for a while because the exact same thing happened last time. I took it under harsh lighting in the bathroom, and I usually wash my face with the light off and a small light far away so I have just enough illumination to see what I'm doing.

My heart cries also. It bleeds. I live in the past. Every song or show or movie or moment I recall before this horrific thing scarred me is a pain, but also the only memory of happiness I have. I have been so close to suicide so often lately. So close. Scarily close.

I also know how it feels to see every damn person walk around with the gift that has been robbed from us- normal, healthy, blemish and scar free skin. I hate them all, and I hate myself for hating them.

Just focus on the strength you had to find a boyfriend. The strength you have had to fly to him to surprise him. The strength you will draw upon to walk in the sun where scars are at their worst (well actually I find the worst is in the sun whilst looking at them from the car rear-view mirror).

If your boyfriend has hung around you before, chances are (unfortunately) that some harsh angle of light has hit your skin at some point illuminating them. Fortunately, if he is still your boyfriend, then he obviously doesn't care. If you are meeting him for the first time, and he does not see them as your strength, struggle, pain and beauty that has been written onto your face, then he isn't worth it. At all. Kick him to the curb.

But I know how it is to wish to be that perfect, beautiful partner. That Disney-esque character that will somehow keep a partner because we look good and therefore are worthy enough. In theory sounds ridiculous and shallow. In reality, it is the only thing that seems important sometimes...most times.

Just don't do what I do. Check your face in every, single, bloody mirror and from every angle. That will tear your bleeding heart out.

Please remember your strengths. Take care of yourself okay?

PS: shouldn't this thread be moved to the 'emotional and psychological effects of acne' forum?

Hey, thank you so much for your thoughtful, kind words. Means so much to me. I can completely relate to your iPad photo taking situation. I actually posted a thread here a while back about a similar experience. I hadn't taken a photo of my scars in ages and when I did that day it was a shocker. I didn't even realize my skin could look so disgusting. I don't know if it was the camera or the lighting but something was not right. I remember crying to my mom that evening because I was so shocked, depressed and just plain drained with this battle. Bad lighting is the worst. You can get used to your face in the lighting you see it in everyday but then you go to a fitting room and catch your reflection in the hideous overhead florescent lights and BAM their you are looking worse then you thought you looked when you left the house. I don't even look at my face in fitting rooms anymore because I can't handle what might be looking back at me. How sad that I'm afraid of my own face.

And like you said, I will try to focus on my strengths and not my scars although, it is definitely a lot harder then it sounds. It sucks being self conscious every day. He's going to want to show me around his city, the beaches and what not and I do not have any desire what so ever to do so because of these scars. As pathetic as it sounds I would rather just stay in the hotel room, blinds drawn, and maybe venture out at night like a vampire. But obviously I can't be such a buzz kill.

My boyfriend has come down to visit me a couple of times so I guess he must have seen my scars. That's the only thing that's keeping me going to surprise him tonight. I also recently mustered up the courage to tell him about my scars and the treatment I'm getting for them, he said he's seen me and didn't even notice anything on my face (polite lies). I brought along so many pretty dresses but now I think what's the point? I have a hot body but once you reach the face it's pretty much a disaster.

Scars change your life so much. Every aspect of it, at least for me. And like you said that you find yourself hating these people with clear skin and then find yourself hating yourself for hating them... I totally feel you on that. I've never been the type to hate people before but sometimes I catch myself looking at someone's skin, and seeing how smooth it is and happy they are and I just feel furious inside. Thinking that was once me. Then I get scared, am I going to turn into those bitter old people one day?

I just wish scar correction was easier but it's like a shot in the dark. I read these success stories here and feel all hopeful and tell myself oh if they can do it so can I but damn it, it's been almost a year of this derma rolling bullshit and still no obvious results. So frustrating. I started these infini intracel type treatment with the dermatologist claiming 70% improvement, which I'm hoping will do something otherwise I'll basically be hopeless, more depressed and broke.

And sydboi, please if you ever need to talk and are feeling suicidal or find yourself getting scarily close to suicide again just message me. It honestly does help to talk. Even last night just posting here and seeing your wonderful response as well as all the other relatable posts it really helps to take the load off. Sometimes it's consoling to know that other's feel your pain and validate it rather then tell you that you look fine which makes one feel crazy.

PS: I think this thread is perfect in this forum. I visited the emotional/psychological forum and it seems majority of the posts are from, people with acne or red marks. At least we have one emotional post going here where we can just vent when needed to people with the same ailment.

So my last post on this didn't seem to post. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for your kind sincere words Pineapple. And your offer to help. I also totally get you on wanting to go out only at night-I've not been to a beach, or picnic...hell even for a bush walk for years.

How did your surprise go? I hope you were able to find pleasure despite your skin.

i would be ugly with or without scars so that helps alot ...lol...its hard to find someone to love if you don't love yourself ...and if your like me u can't look in a mirror without being discusted!

Dude, I've just seen some of your pix, and you're not ugly at all! And you work out so you have a good body mate. I know it can feel differently, but nah not ugly mate.

 

 

i would be ugly with or without scars so that helps alot ...lol...its hard to find someone to love if you don't love yourself ...and if your like me u can't look in a mirror without being discusted!

I hate it when I read messages from people here with such low self-esteem! Especially since I've seen your pics and you are not ugly at all. Sure, you have scars, but I don't think they make you ugly. But I understand how you feel since I've been there and still am there many days. I'm married with a kid and they get me through life without being suicidal. There is no way I would leave my son. Children do make you see the world in a more beautiful light.

I don't come here as much as I used to, because it can be bad for me. I try to focus on my other hobbies when I have free time and not dwell on fixing my scars so much. I did try the fractora and after many weeks now, I am not terribly impressed. It's disappointing. Treating scars is often a series of disappointments so it's good to take a break from it and keep your mind healthy. Scars may not be so treatable at this time (maybe hope for future) but happiness is attainable, and we shouldn't let the scarring take all our happiness. It is a choice as clich© as that is. It just one that is very hard to make every day. But you have to do it. Life is short and we shouldn't waste it. Maybe God has a reason for giving us this scarring. Just know the reason is not for us to kill ourselves. That is Satan's hopes and dreams for us. I have so much I want to accomplish in life and I think I deserve it even with scarring. And so do u!

I respect everyone's beliefs. But I can't bring myself to think I have scarring for any reason. For any purpose at all, but to infect me with negative emotions and pain. I especially don't think there is any meaning behind this suffering considering that before this I was what I would consider a good person, helpful, respectful, kind etc. Now I'm a perversion of all that I was, being sad, angry, depressed and resentful to others. Hate is thrown into that mix also. I know theoretically and probably on a moral level it isn't a virtuous position that I maintain, but I can't help it at times.

:/ perhaps I'm just saying this now because I'm at a low point. I mean below floor level low. Can the only way left to go be up, when your buried so far below? Hmmm...

I'm glad you've found some positivity in all this pain. I'll take inspiration from you also.

I hate to say it but, no matter how positive I try to be, one look in the mirror, because of my acne scars, i get this over-whelming feeling of wanting to end it all. It really sucks because I actually try very hard through diet, exercise, socializing, going out, etc. to combat these feelings but nothing seems to work other than improvement to the situation... which lately, has been none because I have recently in the past few months have decided to quit smoking and also more recently, have decided to quit pot before I get a procedure done (for optimal results, not even for my health). I feel like I'm going insane because of this shit, and I just turned 25 which wasn't fun... I've had acne scars since I was 19. I more often now think of suicide than not, compared to when I was younger. Just needed to get that off my chest, I know many people feel the same here. I hate the fact that I can't control these suicidal ideations as well. F, M, L!

I think it is better we post these negative feelings here. Rather than act on them. Hard as hell to do, this I know fairly well. Have you looked into any treatment options?

I think it's great to try to improve your scars, but realize like I said earlier, it can be a series of disappointments. So, if one is already suicidal, treatments could push you over the edge. Just saying. I've been able to handle quite a bit with treatments and have learned to put bad experience behind me and just move on. I've made a mental choice that my life is worth it, scarred or not. My husband doesn't really care about my scars. He is not perfect either, but he sure doesn't obsess over what he looks like. It bothers him more when I dwell on my skin because that does create negativity in the house. But I am not to the point where I am happy all the time regardless of my skin. It is possible to find a partner with scars, the main thing that will hold us back is our own negativity.