Very inspiring post, I know how you feel and I feel nothing but pure empathy to what you're going through. In the summer I too restricted my diet a lot, it was food group after food group, first dairy, then gluten, then soy, then anything with more than 10 grams of sugar, I tried drinking a little apple cider vinegar every day (which made me throw up after a week), then all oils besides coconut oil, then no drinking with meals, then drinking fiber every morning and taking probiotic pills, nothing worked and I was desperate. I was afraid of going out to eat with friends because they would always want to eat McDonalds or Subway or Chipotle and I was afraid of all of the stuff in that. I was also afraid of eating at relatives house because of the same reasons. Pretty much I couldn't eat anywhere outside, everything would have gluten, dairy, soy, vegetable oils, I was also losing a lot of weight, I used to be 120 at 5'7 so I was already skinny, but after cutting everything out I could basically only eat salads and brown rice and drink almond milk with gluten/soy free cereal (which had like 100 calories), and I went down to 110 pounds by the end of summer.
I was turning into a skeleton and my acne was still really bad, and my relatives and kids at my job (I used to work at a karate school) were pointing my acne out, I was a total wreck. To make things more complicated, college was about to start for me. So a week before starting college, I decided to use my old aczone and epiduo prescriptions that I still had from the dermatologist that I stopped using because they stopped working after a year and a half. This was at the end of August. Now, 4 months later, that was the best acne-related decision I made in a long time. My skin is a lot better, and I've been able to enjoy college more and eat what I want (I still try to eat healthy though). I also started doing weight lifting too, I've been weight lifting for about 3 months and I've put on some muscle, I've also gained all of the weight I lost and more, now I weigh about 140. I know that the 2 creams I'm using will probably stop working though, so next summer I'm going to switch over to Dan's regimen and see how that works for me. Apparently Dan's regimen doesn't stop working after a while like the prescriptions that I'm using do, so hopefully once my skin is completely clear it can stay clear!
A lot of people say that acne is a sign that something is wrong with your body, and I used to believe this, but now I reject this belief. If acne is a sign that there is something wrong with your body like liver problems or leaky gut or intestinal problems, then why do many alcoholics don't have acne, why do many people who actually have leaky gut syndrome and intestinal problems don't have acne? And if it's because we're deficient in omega 3, then why do lots of people who are also deficient in omega 3 don't have acne? I think food is definitely related to acne, but it's not as serious as we think. We don't have acne because the food is messing up our body, we have acne because our skin is very sensitive to the slight hormonal changes the food does to the body. Food can change our insulin, testosterone, estrogen, growth hormone, and IGF-1 levels, but this is temporary and is not necessarily damaging us. It's just that in response to these changes, our skin produces more sebum, our skin cells shed at a faster rate, blah blah blah, and this lead to acne. Doesn't mean that there's some huge problem inside us and the acne is coming out because the body is trying to expel the toxins. There are many people who eat bread and drink milk in moderation and live long happy healthy lives. As long as you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables (and raw vegetables), get all of your vitamins and minerals, and exercise, you should be fine. You don't have to do a liver cleanse or an enema to make yourself healthy, it's just not necessary in my opinion.
I'm glad more people are abandoning these crazy diets, its great that you're trying to find a balance between health and happiness. Good luck!
I can't believe all the people responding to push their various diet beliefs. I'm itching to respond to so many but it would be inappropriate.
Of course people should not follow crazy, extreme diets. They should follow good ones with these things called nutrients and that dont have negative postprandial effects. What is crazy is that a good diet has become so far from the norm, many people think its extreme. And that so many people have difficulty changing their diet without stress and obsession. (Not talking about you Deja. I know this has been a long slow process for you)
Yeah I definitely don't think it's extreme to be gluten free, avoid soy, eat tons of fruits and vegetables, not eat processed foods regularly, etc. When I was doing those things, I was a lot more healthy in general and felt good about my diet. The problem is, those things, while they helped my skin so much, were not enough to eliminate acne. But because they are inflammatory and make my acne worse, that tricked me into thinking that the cause MUST be something else I was eating. You feed that mentality enough, you end up with disordered eating. You have no choice other than to 1) accept that food may not be the cause--which is VERY hard because it leaves you helpless or 2) keep giving up foods until you eventually die.
I've always been so extreme. It's like why is it so hard to accept that food plays a ROLE in acne but not a 100% role? Like when I realized gluten and soy caused me allergic reactions and skin symptoms I immediately was like THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE REASON! And then I never accepted that ANYTHING else could play a role. If I broke out, I'd ate something toxic. Never mind the fact that I'd been stressing out. Never mind the fact that I hadn't been sleeping well. etc.
The good thing about where I'm at now is that I see that no matter how far into a mentality we've gone, we can always stop, examine ourselves and choose to look at things a different way. Although it sucks that I got stuck in a certain mentality for sooooo long, I find the fact that I can still change to be very refreshing. It makes me feel that I will be the type of person who is always growing and changing throughout her life, and that's exciting. 
Deja -
I've been here almost as long as you, watched you post through the years, the ups, downs, changes, etc. Yes, you encouraged, but I never saw anything I would term as manipulative, malicious, harmful, or any other negative word.
You are a beautiful, kind-hearted woman who got lost in a sea of conflicting information. It happens, it's okay, forgive yourself.
Massive kudos for taking the time and courage to post this, to admit it to yourself, to start healing.
You will be okay again, there is hope.
I've struggled with eating disorders for years. It's ...beyond hard... when you add in acne, or other emotionally devastating disease, it can ..completely unglue you. I had a fall back this past year, I'm recovering again now. The first step is the hardest, you took it, rejoice.
I am sorry you went trough this and hope the best for you.
Importantly, I hope people that read this aren't discouraged about researching their skin deeply and or going on diets. Strict or not. If you want clear skin you'll have to research hard and take your time. It may take a while but once you find 'the answer' you'll be happy. (It's worth a try).
Diets work amazingly for lots of people, but unfortunately for dejaclairevoyant it didn't. Good luck...
Well, you know I'm no good at the nurturing thing and can't identify with what you've gone through, so I don't know how this is going to sound. But until recent months, you always sounded like you were eating well and happy with your diet. So if you posted this a few months ago, I would have been shocked. Lately, though, I've been puzzled. I wish I'd said something.
Is it possible that writing in your blog made you dwell on acne and diet more?
Not really. Actually, writing my blog was the start of what sort of led me down the path to where I am now (in a good way). I was enjoying writing blogs and posting pretty pictures and stuff. But I felt bad that I wasn't being the true me (photos in makeup/perfect lighting) so I made the blog about how I have acne. That was the first step in me being honest about how bad I was suffering. It triggered me to be honest about how bad my body dysmorphia had gotten, and then I just started being honest with myself about everything.
A few years ago I was happier, but when my acne came back full-blown over all of 2011-2012, I started becoming really obsessive and restricting foods a lot more. I just didn't really talk about how distressed and depressed I was until now. I've always tried to have hope that the next diet change, the next treatment plan, etc would work. Except nothing did.
So now, I am just surrendering. Guns are down. White flag is out. I am done.
Aww, Deja. I know how you feel. When I write for my website, it's easy to get discouraged and think "god what am I even talking about, my skin ain't clear yet". But you should know just as well as I do that the slow-pace of honesty which eventually leads to clear skin satisfaction is far more valuable than people with their acne-free-in-a-week e-books. Keep your chin up, girl. Your smile shines through your symptom. PM me if you need a fwend.
Looking at yourself is unreliable, change takes too much time for that to be an indicator. It leads to drastic changes, and usually a drastic choice is a wrong one. Chill out and eat what makes you FEEL GOOD (genuine, lasting goodness) and you can't possibly go wrong. Shut out all the conflicting information around you and listen to what you want, because you're important.
MAN I love threads like these just in the hopes that someone will come along and say something like that.
But the fact is for me, raw veganism was bad. My attempts at being vegan were sort of the start of my mental issues surrounding food, because I was driven to try all that out of desperation to heal my body just like everything else I've done. People do it for different reasons, but for me, I was completely enthralled by the possibility of looking forever young, having perfect, glowing skin and everything else they promise (that never happens for a lot of us). I tried raw veganism many times and every time I lost a ton of weight, looked and felt sickly and was just miserable. I honestly don't understand how people do it. It must work better for those with extremely slow metabolisms. I have always been thin and my body just needs more food than that. My body needs meat.
It killed me that I couldn't do it, though. I viewed raw vegans as so healthy and pure compared to everyone else. I was fascinated by stories of how their acne cleared up or other cool changes to the body, such as the eyes changing to a lighter color. It kind of infected me like a virus, this fascination...I wanted it so badly, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't.
I feel like raw veganism takes people pretty far out of their bodies. Which can be good, for spiritual purposes, cleansing, or clarity. But it's just not a good idea sustain-ably. Too much copper and not enough zinc makes people crazy, etc. But nutrient stuff aside, yeah. Setting a pace for yourself that is hard to keep up with without welling up in tears is hard. I admire your courage to share this part of your experience and find it particularly powerful.
I hope you get better and I am glad you are prioritizing your health over obsessing about your acne. I had eating disorders for 10 years, and I think that's what triggered my acne in the first place along with the initial signs of PCOS. Now I finally have a healthy relationship with my body, but I find myself being scared of eating the "wrong" foods because I'm worried about breakouts. What seems to help is having a positive outlook on life and being happy - my skin clears up when I"m happy and loved.
I hope you get the help and support you need.
To share another success story (that I have to say that you Deja are mostly responsible for, because your post made me reconsider my own food ideologies). I am still neurotic, I think it's going to take some time for me to change that. But yesterday, I had some fish with (gasp) breading on it- covered in a (another gasp) cheese based sauce. And this past weekend, I went to a gelato shop and while I of course refrained from that, I allowed myself 2 dark chocolate organic truffles. Wow- big changes for me. And I had to fight myself to do it but I kept remembering moderation and that my whole eating issue really revolves around CONTROL and stress, which is bad. Hopefully you are making great progress as well!!!
i really feel for you deja and can totally relate! for years i have been searching for what could be causing me to have cystic acne on and off over the years and had food allergy testing done that said i am allergic to wheat, gluten, eggs, dairy, beef etc. i cut out wheat and gluten back in april and got fairly clear (i was using my benzaclin then too) so i thought i had finally figured it all out once i stopped eating the other things too. well once i started to completely eliminate the eggs, dairy, and beef i started breaking out even worse than normal and my skin got so bad. i am 5'5" 1/2 and am now down to 113 pounds and am so scared to eat anything at this point. i stopped eating sugar a while ago too and i only drink water for fear that any amount of caffeine will break me out worse. i talked to my derm and they are convinced my cystic acne is now totally hormonal since i am only getting it on the chin/jawline area and when i mentioned this to my regular doctor he said those food tests arent reliable anyway. he said for me to get a notebook and write down what i eat to see if there is any connection but this has all made me so freaked out. so this weekend my hubby said we are getting a pizza and are you going to eat it and be happy because this diet mixed with your bad acne is making you miserable and why give up everything if you are seeing no result?! so i had a pizza and cheesy bread and guess what my face looks the same so while i think diet can play a role its not everything. i am taking spiro now for my skin and pray that this will work and that i can go back to eating a normal diet again. its so hard though. take it easy!
To share another success story (that I have to say that you Deja are mostly responsible for, because your post made me reconsider my own food ideologies). I am still neurotic, I think it's going to take some time for me to change that. But yesterday, I had some fish with (gasp) breading on it- covered in a (another gasp) cheese based sauce. And this past weekend, I went to a gelato shop and while I of course refrained from that, I allowed myself 2 dark chocolate organic truffles. Wow- big changes for me. And I had to fight myself to do it but I kept remembering moderation and that my whole eating issue really revolves around CONTROL and stress, which is bad. Hopefully you are making great progress as well!!!
Thanks so much! That is amazing that you were able to go out for gelato. The last time I went to a gelato place was back in 2007 in Berkely, California. It was so delicious. I've lost so many experiences like that over the years because of acne. I don't expect all my food intolerances (real or mental) to just magically go away--but I do hope to keep pushing the wiggle room until I can at least somewhat be like a normal person with food. <--even writing that sentence felt weird and wrong to me and I could hear my eating disorder thoughts going "NO! You don't want to be like a normal person! You want to be better, cleaner, more pure." But I now know that those thoughts about food and the obsession about purity are the problem. It's so hard. Part of me wants to continue to be obsessed and part of me wants to recover. Recovery is winning at about a 60/40 ratio right now.
i really feel for you deja and can totally relate! for years i have been searching for what could be causing me to have cystic acne on and off over the years and had food allergy testing done that said i am allergic to wheat, gluten, eggs, dairy, beef etc. i cut out wheat and gluten back in april and got fairly clear (i was using my benzaclin then too) so i thought i had finally figured it all out once i stopped eating the other things too. well once i started to completely eliminate the eggs, dairy, and beef i started breaking out even worse than normal and my skin got so bad. i am 5'5" 1/2 and am now down to 113 pounds and am so scared to eat anything at this point. i stopped eating sugar a while ago too and i only drink water for fear that any amount of caffeine will break me out worse. i talked to my derm and they are convinced my cystic acne is now totally hormonal since i am only getting it on the chin/jawline area and when i mentioned this to my regular doctor he said those food tests arent reliable anyway. he said for me to get a notebook and write down what i eat to see if there is any connection but this has all made me so freaked out. so this weekend my hubby said we are getting a pizza and are you going to eat it and be happy because this diet mixed with your bad acne is making you miserable and why give up everything if you are seeing no result?! so i had a pizza and cheesy bread and guess what my face looks the same so while i think diet can play a role its not everything. i am taking spiro now for my skin and pray that this will work and that i can go back to eating a normal diet again. its so hard though. take it easy!
Your man said it perfectly: Why give up everything if you get no results? The problem is that diet used to give me results. It used to give me amazing results. Why that changed, I don't know. And I may have to accept that I never will know.
My fear is that I will eat a more varied diet, become more sick and develop acne that will be even worse. The logical part of my mind doesn't think that's true. But I don't know...
To share another success story (that I have to say that you Deja are mostly responsible for, because your post made me reconsider my own food ideologies). I am still neurotic, I think it's going to take some time for me to change that. But yesterday, I had some fish with (gasp) breading on it- covered in a (another gasp) cheese based sauce. And this past weekend, I went to a gelato shop and while I of course refrained from that, I allowed myself 2 dark chocolate organic truffles. Wow- big changes for me. And I had to fight myself to do it but I kept remembering moderation and that my whole eating issue really revolves around CONTROL and stress, which is bad. Hopefully you are making great progress as well!!!
Thanks so much! That is amazing that you were able to go out for gelato. The last time I went to a gelato place was back in 2007 in Berkely, California. It was so delicious. I've lost so many experiences like that over the years because of acne. I don't expect all my food intolerances (real or mental) to just magically go away--but I do hope to keep pushing the wiggle room until I can at least somewhat be like a normal person with food. <--even writing that sentence felt weird and wrong to me and I could hear my eating disorder thoughts going "NO! You don't want to be like a normal person! You want to be better, cleaner, more pure." But I now know that those thoughts about food and the obsession about purity are the problem. It's so hard. Part of me wants to continue to be obsessed and part of me wants to recover. Recovery is winning at about a 60/40 ratio right now.
i really feel for you deja and can totally relate! for years i have been searching for what could be causing me to have cystic acne on and off over the years and had food allergy testing done that said i am allergic to wheat, gluten, eggs, dairy, beef etc. i cut out wheat and gluten back in april and got fairly clear (i was using my benzaclin then too) so i thought i had finally figured it all out once i stopped eating the other things too. well once i started to completely eliminate the eggs, dairy, and beef i started breaking out even worse than normal and my skin got so bad. i am 5'5" 1/2 and am now down to 113 pounds and am so scared to eat anything at this point. i stopped eating sugar a while ago too and i only drink water for fear that any amount of caffeine will break me out worse. i talked to my derm and they are convinced my cystic acne is now totally hormonal since i am only getting it on the chin/jawline area and when i mentioned this to my regular doctor he said those food tests arent reliable anyway. he said for me to get a notebook and write down what i eat to see if there is any connection but this has all made me so freaked out. so this weekend my hubby said we are getting a pizza and are you going to eat it and be happy because this diet mixed with your bad acne is making you miserable and why give up everything if you are seeing no result?! so i had a pizza and cheesy bread and guess what my face looks the same so while i think diet can play a role its not everything. i am taking spiro now for my skin and pray that this will work and that i can go back to eating a normal diet again. its so hard though. take it easy!
Your man said it perfectly: Why give up everything if you get no results? The problem is that diet used to give me results. It used to give me amazing results. Why that changed, I don't know. And I may have to accept that I never will know.
My fear is that I will eat a more varied diet, become more sick and develop acne that will be even worse. The logical part of my mind doesn't think that's true. But I don't know...
Why don't you take another look at the things you most recently removed from your diet that you'd been able to eat before?
Hello everyone,
It would mean a lot to me if you took the time to read this. I've talked about this a bit before (more on the emotional forum than here), but I've recently come to terms with the fact that I have developed an eating disorder over the years that I have been trying to cure my acne. It was something that I was in denial about for a long time, but I can no longer run away from it.
I have been trying to heal my acne and other health problems through diet for many years now. I have suffered horribly trying to find a cure. I have given up so much. I have fasted for weeks (not necessarily unhealthy, but bad when you do it out of desperation), I have given up 99% of food groups because someone, somewhere will say that practically everything in existence is bad for acne. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights, and over, and over, and over again, I have gotten my hopes up over diets/treatment plans and been crushed when my acne didn't improve the way people promised. I have driven myself to the point of insanity in the pursuit of clear skin.
I had a major wake up call this past month. I've lost almost 30 pounds in the past 3 years, and I was thin to begin with. Recently, when I became terrified that fruit had too much sugar and was feeding candida and cut it all out, I lost another 10 pounds and got down under 105 pounds at 5'7''....that is way too thin. When I found myself fearing water and cutting it out of my diet due to the idea that it might dilute my stomach acids and worsen my acne, I realized I had a serious problem.
A person should not fear water. A person should not fear fruit. A person should not fear FOOD.
This started as a beautiful thing. Going gluten free was one of the best things I ever did. But it also taught me to fear food. Eliminating fast foods, chemicals, gluten, processed things, etc is good for everyone. But it can become an eating disorder when your acne still doesn't improve so you start giving up more. Then you start reading more, and finding out more that you should give up. It goes on and on like that, until you're terrified of eating anything.
Of course this doesn't happen to everyone. And not everyone who gives up certain foods will have or develop an eating disorder, so don't think I'm accusing any of you of that. But this is my story, and I honestly think that if I were to continue down this road I'd end up dead within a few years, either from malnutrition or because I became so terrified and depressed about eating that I just end my life.
So for now, my focus is not going to be on healing acne any longer. After ten years, I'm ready to stop fighting for skin and start fighting for MY LIFE. Healing from my eating disorder and emotional distress is going to be my main priority for now, and therefore, I'm going to stop spending so much time in this forum. It's going to take an effort to stay away and post/read less because it's an addiction for me, as are other health/diet forums. I realize now that this obsession is part of my eating disorder and I can cure it and get back to living a real life. I have spent many years here, learning lots of amazing things and talking to so many of you awesome people. But this place is seriously triggering and I just can't take it anymore. I will still be posting on the emotional forum because that place is simply wonderful and there is less food talk there.
The real reason for this post is that I want to apologize. You don't know the heartbreak and guilt I feel at admitting that I have an eating disorder and then looking back and remembering how many people I've told not to eat certain foods, guilted over eating certain foods, or judged for eating certain foods. I am so sorry. I am crying right now as I type this because I feel so terrible knowing I could have played a role in manipulating people into fearing food. In truth, I do know a lot about diet and much of the advice I've given people about being gluten free and what not I still stand behind. But in hindsight, so much of what I've told others comes from a desperate, terrified place within myself. A sick place. A place of wanting to feel in control and powerful and proud of my ultra-restricted diet, because I feel so out of control, alone and SHAMEFUL over my skin. Being ultra restricted made me feel like I was something--like I was doing something important.
This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to face, so please just accept my apology. I know a lot about diet, but clearly know nothing about healing acne. I healed it once, but for whatever reason that was taken from me and I have not been able to heal it again. I am so sorry that I wasn't able to find the answers for myself and for all of us.
Bye for now. I'll hopefully come back around the diet forums one day when I feel ready. I hope 2013 brings everyone the health and happiness you all deserve. You are all beautiful and lovely to me.
No need to be sorry to anyone.
Focus on getting yourself well and enjoy the food 
I just want to thank (SARCASM) the person on this forum who tried to tell me that I shouldn't be eating dairy, in the emo forum, none the less. This person knows about what I'm suffering with and still feels the need to push their fucking vegan dogma on me and not even in the nutrition forum?
--edit, maybe I'm overreacting but I got really triggered by this and it set me off on a panic/rage attack. I'm editing my post because I was probably meaner than necessary. But I know I'm not alone in this because you guys already got mad once about this particular person spreading vegan dogma in this thread. I think if a person says that they are trying to recover from disordered eating, and they talk about eating whatever, they should just be supported. Not told that the foods they were proud of trying are "bad." Especially in the emo forum!
Why can't people just leave me alone with diet? 
Relax, dear. I know the guy, he doesn't mean bad. You'll find people giving lousy "advice" all over the place, unfortunately that's not restricted to the nutrition forum. Hey, and you kicked his ass there, I'm sure he got the message 
If not, shoot me a message and I'll deal with him, alright?
No one has any idea what this shit does to me. It's not like I can just go "he's wrong." I think he's right--that's the problem. I think all foods are bad, that i can digest nothing and that everything I eat is killing me. When people talk to me like this, it's just like the voice in my head--but louder. I already have a difficult enough time ignoring that voice as it is.
Yes, any mental issue is incomprehensible to people who haven't suffered from it, and well, most people you'll encounter (here or anywhere else) have no clue. Another burden for you. But you'll get there, as long as you keep trying to ignore that voice. Don't let people piss you off, they don't know better. And you sure could do without the added stress. Hang in there!
No one has any idea what this shit does to me. It's not like I can just go "he's wrong." I think he's right--that's the problem. I think all foods are bad, that i can digest nothing and that everything I eat is killing me. When people talk to me like this, it's just like the voice in my head--but louder. I already have a difficult enough time ignoring that voice as it is.
Maybe it's time you took a break from these forums and hung out with some "normal" people. Go have a stress-free "unhealthy" meal, where nobody is hyper-critical of how "bad" everything is. Turn off your brain for an hour and realize that life can be enjoyed without unnecessary stress. (You can turn it back on when you're done)
Remember that moderation is key, and moderation goes both ways.
I don't really know "normal" people, lol.
But I have been doing those things. Last night we had mexican food and I ate beans for the first time in 6 months! (That was what I was originally coming to share anyway before I got all upset). I also made grass-fed beef and used the leftover grease/fat for the beans. It was so unbelievable awesome there aren't even words.
And nothing bad happened! No stomach ache, no gas problems, no breakouts, nothing.
I don't really know "normal" people, lol.
But I have been doing those things. Last night we had mexican food and I ate beans for the first time in 6 months! (That was what I was originally coming to share anyway before I got all upset). I also made grass-fed beef and used the leftover grease/fat for the beans. It was so unbelievable awesome there aren't even words.
And nothing bad happened! No stomach ache, no gas problems, no breakouts, nothing.
I understand where your thread is coming from, completely. Ever since I started coming to this forum, I've read about certain food types we as acne sufferers are constantly told to avoid. Prior to coming here, I never knew that dairy, sugar, carbs, were considered bad. I mean, according to the diet/nutrition forum, every damn food excluding some fruits and veggies causes us to break out. I personally think it's bull. Maybe some people's acne worsens from that, but if you've never thought that food caused an unpleasant reaction for you, then it probably doesn't. Food is AMAZING and we should all stop trying to label it as horrible for our skin. We all need carbs, dairy, meats, etc to survive. Please don't listen to the voice in your head.
Oh don't be fooled--they say fruit is bad too. And vegetables. Fruit contains too much sugar. Vegetables contain anti-nutrients.
It can get to a point where there literally is NOTHING at all left to eat. Not even water. Fuck it. FOOD IS GOOD.
Lol, it's SO ridiculous.
That's why, in some ways, coming to this forum too much can be detrimental :/ Honestly, it just makes us obsess more and more about our skin.