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Alright acne. You win this time. As I type this out I feel my marks literally burning...stinging. Laughing at me. Getting it's kicks from thinking of me not being able to look people in the eye and smile confidently, not being able to swim and take pictures at the beach without makeup, giving me physical pain that has made me cry on more than one occasion, forcing me to become a hermit and avoid the things I once loved: rain, sun, wind, kisses, sex, hugs, frozen yogurt, doritos, making me bitter and hateful and jealous towards anybody who seems so happy and content with what they are getting out of their life. As I get a glance in the rear view mirror I can only imagine what people passing by the car think who take a look at me..."Gross", "Is that a burn on her face?", "I could never date a girl like that", "She must eat shit", "She needs to wash her face", "I would hate to look like that", "Should I give her advice on how to take care of her skin?". Egging on my eating disorder, telling me that if I am extremely skinny at least that will be one thing going for me.
........................okay I know that was extremely dark. But these are the thoughts and feelings my own brain has created about me since I first started getting pimples in high school. Before that, it was the body hair. Kids used to come up to me and laugh and laugh and laugh about my little mustache and the dark silky hair sprouting on my teeny legs and my completely flat chest until my senior year of high school. So I've always given something for people to laugh about, to look at, to wonder. I feel interesting but I don't feel beautiful. I would actually trade in beauty, if I were to achieve it, for some normalcy, strength...confidence.
But despite all the negativity I really do love my life. I love people, I love animals, I love music and being out in the earth. It's unfortunate my acne prevents me from doing this to its maximum potential. I am grateful I can see, that I can hear. That I have ten toes and ten fingers. That despite my sarcasm and hardened exterior and interior I do have the ability to love people and make them love me. That is the greatest thing of all, to connect with people and share life.
And that is why, my friends, that I have decided to write out my fears and my anger and really start to embrace my skin disorder. That's what it's always wanted me to do right? Accept it, learn to live with it, and most importantly, move on. It might be there when I'm 60, it might all be gone by the time I'm 30. I might still continue to eat a clean diet and not wear makeup (been a whole week since I've put on foundation to cover it up....eeek) or I might start pigging out and eat everything I've always wanted to eat but know I shouldn't. It will always be a part of me until my hormones/personal regimen finally figure out its secret, its kryptonite. Until then I will try not to shed more tears on its behalf. "Try" and "hope" are going to be my personal mantras for as long as I can keep them up.
I am a living breathing being. I am alive. This has brought me down SO many times but it will never defeat me.
---------------------------------------------------------
Current regimen:
Morning- Gently rinse face with distilled water (my goal is to eventually wash under 10 seconds)
Evening- If face not too oily repeat steps above. If oily gently wash with Garnier Clarifying Face Wash for Sensitive Skin.
*No dairy, face touching, drinking only water, eating as many greens and fruits as I can, Vitamin A and Vitamin C supplements. Trying to limit stress even though my job is super stressful
[Edited image out]
Didn't you mention getting clear with the regimen in your other thread? Have you considered going back to benzoyl peroxide?
Having acne is like a rollercoaster ride. There are the ups, when you just embrace it and accept yourself as you are. When you don't care what other people think and focus on the good things in life. Then there are the downs, when everybody stares and you avoid mirrors because they remind you how ugly you are. Sadly, it's usually the downs that we focus on.
I found a lot of myself in your message and I am sorry that you have had so many negative experiences in your life regarding the way you look.
But I think you have the right attitude and I hope you hold on to it.
11 hours ago, QuanHenry said:Didn't you mention getting clear with the regimen in your other thread? Have you considered going back to benzoyl peroxide?
I was clear for a year after stopping the regimen. I stopped it because I was tired of my irritated skin, the commitment, and bleached clothes, sheets and towels. My skin immediately became less red and flaky but being so long of off the regimen plus coming off of birth control made it return with a BANG. My skin has been up and down ever since. Better when I eliminate all processed foods/stress but that has been impossible to do lately. My skin is angry and it's not going to go down without a fight. I'm just not mentally prepared to go to war again with Dan's regimen at this point in time.
7 hours ago, VGCsa said:Having acne is like a rollercoaster ride. There are the ups, when you just embrace it and accept yourself as you are. When you don't care what other people think and focus on the good things in life. Then there are the downs, when everybody stares and you avoid mirrors because they remind you how ugly you are. Sadly, it's usually the downs that we focus on.
I found a lot of myself in your message and I am sorry that you have had so many negative experiences in your life regarding the way you look.
But I think you have the right attitude and I hope you hold on to it.
It is! Not wearing any kind of face makeup is seriously debilitating but I do notice slightly worsened acne symptoms when I do wear any kind of makeup, whether it be natural, mineral , non comodogenic etc. I'm just giving it up to the heavens for a bit.
3 minutes ago, NMSunflower said:I was clear for a year after stopping the regimen. I stopped it because I was tired of my irritated skin, the commitment, and bleached clothes, sheets and towels. My skin immediately became less red and flaky but being so long of off the regimen plus coming off of birth control made it return with a BANG. My skin has been up and down ever since. Better when I eliminate all processed foods/stress but that has been impossible to do lately. My skin is angry and it's not going to go down without a fight. I'm just not mentally prepared to go to war again with Dan's regimen at this point in time. It is! Not wearing any kind of face makeup is seriously debilitating but I do notice slightly worsened acne symptoms when I do wear any kind of makeup, whether it be natural, mineral , non comodogenic etc. I'm just giving it up to the heavens for a bit.
Nor sure if any success for you yet but good vibes on your continued journey too!
I can totally connect to what you are saying. I empathize with you. Also, good job for trying to accept this vs. let it rule your life. I know it's hard, I basically hate myself now and have never felt worse in my entire life, I may need to go back on anti-depressants from feeling this way.
Have you tried going back on birth control or using a different hormone method?
1 hour ago, cloudydreamer said:I can totally connect to what you are saying. I empathize with you. Also, good job for trying to accept this vs. let it rule your life. I know it's hard, I basically hate myself now and have never felt worse in my entire life, I may need to go back on anti-depressants from feeling this way.
Have you tried going back on birth control or using a different hormone method?
@cloudydreamerGood luck in finding what works for you!! You need to take care of yourself, do whatever you gotta do to achieve that. Yes I was on a low dose birth control for 8-9 months. My skin was beautiful with only an occasional blemish but unfortunately I developed high blood pressure related to the hormones and also started sleepwalking. My doctor took me off the pill faster than you can say pimple lol!
5 minutes ago, NMSunflower said:@cloudydreamerGood luck in finding what works for you!! You need to take care of yourself, do whatever you gotta do to achieve that. Yes I was on a low dose birth control for 8-9 months. My skin was beautiful with only an occasional blemish but unfortunately I developed high blood pressure related to the hormones and also started sleepwalking. My doctor took me off the pill faster than you can say pimple lol!
Thank you so much. I am getting a hormone blood panel run on Monday and I also plan to do another one in January to follow up and see what's going on. Birth control is so difficult, it's like playing a game of roulette...it's so frustrating that some of it works so well for some people, and others like you and me have bad reactions to it. Maybe there's a possibility that you could try a different brand? If you think your acne is androgenic, some people have had success with Inositol. Others prefer DIM. It depends on what your hormones are really doing. I recommend you get a panel run too so you can figure out what alternative treatments may work. There's no reason you need to suffer, there is hope.
8 minutes ago, cloudydreamer said:17 minutes ago, NMSunflower said:@cloudydreamerGood luck in finding what works for you!! You need to take care of yourself, do whatever you gotta do to achieve that. Yes I was on a low dose birth control for 8-9 months. My skin was beautiful with only an occasional blemish but unfortunately I developed high blood pressure related to the hormones and also started sleepwalking. My doctor took me off the pill faster than you can say pimple lol!Thank you so much. I am getting a hormone blood panel run on Monday and I also plan to do another one in January to follow up and see what's going on. Birth control is so difficult, it's like playing a game of roulette...it's so frustrating that some of it works so well for some people, and others like you and me have bad reactions to it. Maybe there's a possibility that you could try a different brand? If you think your acne is androgenic, some people have had success with Inositol. Others prefer DIM. It depends on what your hormones are really doing. I recommend you get a panel run too so you can figure out what alternative treatments may work. There's no reason you need to suffer, there is hope.
Oh yay that willdefinitely pinpoint what particular replacement you need! I know I probably need to get this done too. I am calling this upcoming Thursday to make my first appointment ever with a derm. I'm anRN so me and the doctor can hash out something I am sure...I'm very stubborn though and can't imagine myself on some medications KNOWING what they are doing to the body in the long term. In the meantime I'm really trying to chill out and be healthy mentally!
Thank you for this post! Wow, I feel like you just expressed all my feelings right now. It sucks and its hard. I think you you are so strong and beautiful.Acne relating to mental health isn't a popular topic and its not easy to find support and solidaritary around this stuff. Like you i'm doing my best to cope, accept and stay on a healthy path.
On 11/26/2016 at 5:29 AM, NMSunflower said:Alright acne. You win this time. As I type this out I feel my marks literally burning...stinging. Laughing at me. Getting it's kicks from thinking of me not being able to look people in the eye and smile confidently, not being able to swim and take pictures at the beach without makeup, giving me physical pain that has made me cry on more than one occasion, forcing me to become a hermit and avoid the things I once loved: rain, sun, wind, kisses, sex, hugs, frozen yogurt, doritos, making me bitter and hateful and jealous towards anybody who seems so happy and content with what they are getting out of their life. As I get a glance in the rear view mirror I can only imagine what people passing by the car think who take a look at me..."Gross", "Is that a burn on her face?", "I could never date a girl like that", "She must eat shit", "She needs to wash her face", "I would hate to look like that", "Should I give her advice on how to take care of her skin?". Egging on my eating disorder, telling me that if I am extremely skinny at least that will be one thing going for me.
........................okay I know that was extremely dark. But these are the thoughts and feelings my own brain has created about me since I first started getting pimples in high school. Before that, it was the body hair. Kids used to come up to me and laugh and laugh and laugh about my little mustache and the dark silky hair sprouting on my teeny legs and my completely flat chest until my senior year of high school. So I've always given something for people to laugh about, to look at, to wonder. I feel interesting but I don't feel beautiful. I would actually trade in beauty, if I were to achieve it, for some normalcy, strength...confidence.But despite all the negativity I really do love my life. I love people, I love animals, I love music and being out in the earth. It's unfortunate my acne prevents me from doing this to its maximum potential. I am grateful I can see, that I can hear. That I have ten toes and ten fingers. That despite my sarcasm and hardened exterior and interior I do have the ability to love people and make them love me. That is the greatest thing of all, to connect with people and share life.
And that is why, my friends, that I have decided to write out my fears and my anger and really start to embrace my skin disorder. That's what it's always wanted me to do right? Accept it, learn to live with it, and most importantly, move on. It might be there when I'm 60, it might all be gone by the time I'm 30. I might still continue to eat a clean diet and not wear makeup (been a whole week since I've put on foundation to cover it up....eeek) or I might start pigging out and eat everything I've always wanted to eat but know I shouldn't. It will always be a part of me until my hormones/personal regimen finally figure out its secret, its kryptonite. Until then I will try not to shed more tears on its behalf. "Try" and "hope" are going to be my personal mantras for as long as I can keep them up.
I am a living breathing being. I am alive. This has brought me down SO many times but it will never defeat me.
---------------------------------------------------------
Current regimen:
Morning- Gently rinse face with distilled water (my goal is to eventually wash under 10 seconds)
Evening- If face not too oily repeat steps above. If oily gently wash with Garnier Clarifying Face Wash for Sensitive Skin.*No dairy, face touching, drinking only water, eating as many greens and fruits as I can, Vitamin A and Vitamin C supplements. Trying to limit stress even though my job is super stressful
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you are my hero