Jump to content
Acne.org
Search In
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
enragedstygian

I believe I am literally going mad

Recommended Posts

I have nowhere else to vent. I have nobody to talk to about this.
So thank you in advanced for just hearing me out. I think that is the only help I can get right now; it  may be all I need.
So I actually think I am loosing part of my sanity because I am so angry at my situation. I have spent so much time and energy and effort trying to make my acne better and I feel like i have gotten nowhere. I hate this feeling of powerlessness so much I cannot even begin to express it. I just looked at myself in the mirror and got so angry that I screamed under my breath at the top of my lungs and contorted my body in violent manners for a couple minutes. Like I said, I feel like I am loosing my mind. 
Part of why I feel so enraged is because I have no idea what is causing these enormous red curses on my face. Also, my job recently requires me to go in the pool twice a week and train my client and I think the pool may make me break out horrendously. I just got a huge outbreak of 9 zits that are inflamed the week I started going in the pool. I cannot quit my job, so this takes away even more of my hope. 
I am confused and feel powerless. This is what makes me so angry. 
I have done a lot of research on self acceptance and inner peace, mental health ect. I feel like I know the answer of how to accept myself and stay positive and move forward, but deep down I do not want to let go of this battle. I want to fight it. I don't want to have to accept myself with these giant zits. I want them to go away because I feel like I earned it. I changed my lifestyle in every aspect that I can including changing my diet to a low fat organic vegan diet and I eat the most clean diet I know out of anybody I have ever met. This also drives me crazy. I hate my diet and it is hard to tell what causes acne or not. I feel like it is not fair that others can have great skin with their horrible diet while I am punished for unknown reasons even though I am following a much more comprehensive skin care routine.

When I go out, I am able to socialize and function somehow. But deep down, I have a fierce hatred for acne, and it is affecting my outlook on myself. I esteem myself as less worthy to be admired because I have such bad acne, even though I know this is an illogical, unfair, harmful judgement that I do not even hold towards others with acne worse than mine.
I sometimes wonder how much control I really have over my deepest convictions and perceptions. I can acknowledge mentally that acne does not affect a person's worth, and that it is a detrimental and pointless philosophy to put such a heavy emphasis on external imperfections; yet how I treat myself deep down is more difficult to control than my mental assent to idealist ideas. 

In the end, I should be thankful to even have a face at all. Some people don't even have that. It could be worse. 
I don't know how to cope with this very well. I get so angry that I want to just punch things for no reason. Its really stupid. So I don't do it. I just flail in my room so nobody sees me. 
And right now, I'm pretty hungry and would really like to eat something good, but it's not worth 10 zits in the morning  and a nice big red scar on my face that will last 6 months. 
Thanks for listening 
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your feelings are not at all that unique or strange as i feel like that more often than not.  I too eat very clean and have done all the acne lifestyle and diet changes and guess what, acne is currently the worse i've had it in a while and getting worse daily.  I am in therapy (CBT) for my depression and i can tell you this - unless you accept yourself as is (not past you or future you), you'll always be miserable.  My therapist makes a good point that we should recognize that everyone will always have something to say but it is our right to not accept it.  She also says that our perceptions of what we think people are saying about us/our skin is flawed as frankly, we cannot read minds.

I wholeheartedly believe that one of the biggest reasons acne bothers us is because we fear being judged, looked at, etc. 

In regards to food.  You can still eat a clean diet and enjoy food.  I am realizing that all these diet changes ive made have done diddly squat for my acne so if i feel like splurging, i do as i break out regardless or nor if i don't.

Hope this gives you some perspective.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow... This is literally me.

i don't know why.. Maybe it's from suffering from acne for so long, but I just can't cope when I have a breakdown. Any spot makes me so angry at myself.. I swear at myself in the mirror, take it out on others.. I just can't control it!!

one thing I do find to help is this forum and being able to talk to others and read other stories, it definately makes me feel less alone. Talking about it in real life with my mum helps endlessly, but if you dont have any close ones then therapy can also help.

sorry i cant offer much more!

Edited by Lore91

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your feelings are not at all that unique or strange as i feel like that more often than not.  I too eat very clean and have done all the acne lifestyle and diet changes and guess what, acne is currently the worse i've had it in a while and getting worse daily.  I am in therapy (CBT) for my depression and i can tell you this - unless you accept yourself as is (not past you or future you), you'll always be miserable.  My therapist makes a good point that we should recognize that everyone will always have something to say but it is our right to not accept it.  She also says that our perceptions of what we think people are saying about us/our skin is flawed as frankly, we cannot read minds.

I wholeheartedly believe that one of the biggest reasons acne bothers us is because we fear being judged, looked at, etc. 

In regards to food.  You can still eat a clean diet and enjoy food.  I am realizing that all these diet changes ive made have done diddly squat for my acne so if i feel like splurging, i do as i break out regardless or nor if i don't.

Hope this gives you some perspective.

This. I have no idea why you haven't gotten a 'like' for your reply yet but I'm so giving it to you.

Guess there's no hiding that people do judge us, whether we like it or not and whether they are actually judging us or simply giving a cursory glance. Nonetheless, the trauma of acne is very real. Nobody needs to go through this.

On to the food bit, I have been eating 'clean' for a while now and I think it's still too early to say if it's working. Anyway, I gave myself a trial period of 3 months and if by then I don't see the remotest improvement, I'd say phuck it, I'm going back to fried chicken, processed food, cakes, pastries, milk and what not.

Sigh.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank You!  I appreciate it.  Definitely don't go overboard in either direction.  There are other health issue besides acne and a healthy body still needs to be a priority so follow the 80/20 rule.  Eat healthy 80% of the time and the other 20%, indulge.

Good luck- i really hope you find a solution.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yo, dude or dudette, I dont know, but I know you don't to hear this from me and my boring every other acne story, but I know what you mean. I think one of the main reasons I even worry about acne is if people will care and that I look ugly. But your acne is only ONE bad thing about yourself, I think every other part of you is awesome and so beautiful and amazing. Yes, still take care of your health and skin, but also focus on all the good things about yourself! Once people see you love yourself for who you are, they won't judge you on your acne! :) People all love people who are beautiful inside and out。 acne just makes you all that more unique!!Feel better soon about everything!XD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have nowhere else to vent. I have nobody to talk to about this.
So thank you in advanced for just hearing me out. I think that is the only help I can get right now; it  may be all I need.
So I actually think I am loosing part of my sanity because I am so angry at my situation. I have spent so much time and energy and effort trying to make my acne better and I feel like i have gotten nowhere. I hate this feeling of powerlessness so much I cannot even begin to express it. I just looked at myself in the mirror and got so angry that I screamed under my breath at the top of my lungs and contorted my body in violent manners for a couple minutes. Like I said, I feel like I am loosing my mind. 
Part of why I feel so enraged is because I have no idea what is causing these enormous red curses on my face. Also, my job recently requires me to go in the pool twice a week and train my client and I think the pool may make me break out horrendously. I just got a huge outbreak of 9 zits that are inflamed the week I started going in the pool. I cannot quit my job, so this takes away even more of my hope. 
I am confused and feel powerless. This is what makes me so angry. 
I have done a lot of research on self acceptance and inner peace, mental health ect. I feel like I know the answer of how to accept myself and stay positive and move forward, but deep down I do not want to let go of this battle. I want to fight it. I don't want to have to accept myself with these giant zits. I want them to go away because I feel like I earned it. I changed my lifestyle in every aspect that I can including changing my diet to a low fat organic vegan diet and I eat the most clean diet I know out of anybody I have ever met. This also drives me crazy. I hate my diet and it is hard to tell what causes acne or not. I feel like it is not fair that others can have great skin with their horrible diet while I am punished for unknown reasons even though I am following a much more comprehensive skin care routine.

When I go out, I am able to socialize and function somehow. But deep down, I have a fierce hatred for acne, and it is affecting my outlook on myself. I esteem myself as less worthy to be admired because I have such bad acne, even though I know this is an illogical, unfair, harmful judgement that I do not even hold towards others with acne worse than mine.
I sometimes wonder how much control I really have over my deepest convictions and perceptions. I can acknowledge mentally that acne does not affect a person's worth, and that it is a detrimental and pointless philosophy to put such a heavy emphasis on external imperfections; yet how I treat myself deep down is more difficult to control than my mental assent to idealist ideas. 

In the end, I should be thankful to even have a face at all. Some people don't even have that. It could be worse. 
I don't know how to cope with this very well. I get so angry that I want to just punch things for no reason. Its really stupid. So I don't do it. I just flail in my room so nobody sees me. 
And right now, I'm pretty hungry and would really like to eat something good, but it's not worth 10 zits in the morning  and a nice big red scar on my face that will last 6 months. 
Thanks for listening 
 

I think acne made me "mad" a long time ago :)  I dont know how to cope either so i do crazy thinks like cut myself with a razor blade or starve myself on super strict diets.
Its perfectly natural to want to look attractive and feel healthy. And not being able to have that is so incredibly frustrating. I think we have the right to b a little crazy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Personalized Advice Quiz - All of Acne.org in just a few minutes

×