Started getting moderate acne - cheeks full of papules and pustules at 15. Had a good run (mild acne everyday, plenty of PIH anyway) from 19-21 thanks to Tretinoin. Until the stress of senior year, the MCAT, uncertainty about the future, money, conflict with parents, and my little sister's self-injury coming to light have brought acne back this year with a vengeance unknown to me...both my cheeks are completely covered in papules and pustules, a painful nodular cyst is growing under a pustule on my chin (!!!), my forehead is clogged, clogged, clogged. My skin is red, inflamed, shiny, flaking, raw, burning, HURTING.

Things I've tried: Salicylic Acid face washes and Paula's Choice BHA, Lactic AHA, Glycolic AHA, Sulphur and Zinc topicals, Benzoyl Peroxide face washes and creams, The Pill, Doxycycline, Aczone/Dapsanone, Anti-Fungal ointment and shampoo, Tretinoin 0.05% Cream (the only thing that actually worked a bit), scrubbing with the harshest scrub thrice a day, cleansing with the gentlest cleanser once a day, never moisturizing ever, moisturizing with thick CeraVe Cream, Oil Cleansing Method, eliminating diary, not giving a f*ck, crying to God (joke), etc. NOTHING HAS WORKED.

I finally went to a dermatologist on 12/3 and she tried to tell me to "reduce stress" while I tried to keep myself from crying on her; I won and she agreed to Accutane! Started Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo on 12/7, got first blood work done on 12/10, second appointment is tomorrow, next period is on 12/29. Hopefully I'll be able to start by early January!

I started using CeraVe Cream in september and it clogged every single pore on my face. I restarted using Tretinoin to get rid of these and am suffering the worst case of (adulthood) breakout. I haven't been able to leave the house all week - cancelled a job interview at Cornell Medical Hospital and missed my best friend's first housewarming too because I can't look people in the eye and am terrified everyone is looking ay my UGLY skin. I feel so very dejected this morning ):

Honestly, I'm starting this log to keep a record of what everyday can feel like when you feel so small; I want to not forget this feeling of pure pain and take away some humility from a hopefully rewarding journey. And just maybe, another lonely person will read this some day far far away and know that there is always HOPE...