I have had acne since I was 12. I moved schools at this age and used to get bullied because I was different. As many others, when it first started my mum said it was just "teenage skin" probably only a few pimples. I have seen photos of me then and it didn't look to bad. Throughout the years I have tried very hard to control my skin, using lots of different products on my face. Nothing seemed to help it. I had no confidence and did not want anyone to look at me because I felt so hideous! When I discovered foundation and concealer I managed to gain a bit of self esteem and manage to leave the house to go to school. I would try countless types of gels, creams, face-masks, moisturisers but every day I would wake up with more spots on my face. Sometimes it would die down for a bit, and my soul started to shimmer with hope that I would finally be able to do something about my disgusting face, but it would never last. The more the acne showed on my face the more makeup I wore, at nights being too depressed to take it off or either being compulsive and toning my face over and over again, wishing the bad skin away. I never wanted to tell anyone how depressed it made me feel, even suicidal, but my mum always told me other people didn't notice and it wasn't as bad as I thought. I hated looking in the mirror and didn't want any photos of me, couldn't leave the house without makeup yet even when I was wearing it I still felt disgusting. I started picking and squeezing, yuck, thinking I was making it better but it only got worse and worse. Finally, after a lot of tears I went to a doctor and got benzoyl peroxide, zineryt, and others which helped a bit my completely dried out my skin. I would persist with whatever lotions/creams the doctor gave me for a matter of months, as he would not let me have the medication (pills) because I was about 14 and they had heavy side effects. While all of this was going on, on the inside, I hoped people wouldn't be frightened/disgusted speaking to me because of my horrible acne. Whenever I stayed at a friends house I could not take off my makeup in front of them, so would sleep with it on, only to reapply it in the morning because I was so self conscious of my face. This gave me huge anxiety because I couldn't keep a good skincare routine of whatever products I was using on my face at the time. I was feared anyone I knew would turn up at my house when I wasn't wearing it, so I wore it hid away most of my teenage years, living in isolation where it only got worse. The only person who saw me without any makeup was mum, who still insisted I was beautiful, I was so angry at her for obviously telling me lies! I was hideous, she was my mum so she had to tell me it wasn't that bad! I lost a lot of friends due to me not going out. After leaving school and moving away, made the decision to stop wearing makeup when i wasn't going anywhere and this did help my skin... I only wore BB cream when I went out and prayed no one would be staring at my spots, even though I saw them doing it. It got so bad, I thought I was destined to have acne (age 20) and was put on medication for depression, which then sent me into a psychotic episode. I came off the mess and stayed home for a few months, not baring to look in a mirror at my disgusting self. When I did socialise which was hardly ever I could not look anyone in the eye... Now I have discovered that I have body dysmorphia (BDD) and my acne was the main focus. I am currently using proactiv, I would recommend it but you need to try for yourselves as each skin type is different. My acne is starting to heal, and the scars are still very visible but hopefully by letting my face breath it is getting better. Thank you for reading my story if anyone has read this to the end, I read a story on here which inspired me to write about my own experience. If anyone reading this is suicidal because of their acne, take it from me it will get better... Never give up, you are here for a reason and you are just as beautiful as the stars in the sky