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I think you have a good chance of getting away without any long-term effects, but I couldn't be certain.
I'm sure it's more likely side effects will occur with higher doses of the drug.
If you carry on taking the drug, you are putting yourself at risk.
From what I've heard from others, a low dose doesn't mean it's not going to harm you.
How bad is your acne on a scale from 1-10?
Unless it's 8 and above, I'd stop taking this horrible poison.
The test is going to cost around 400. It's a lot of money, but to be honest, right now I can't think of anything I'd rather spend that money on. I NEED to know what's wrong. I am in this situation whether I like it or not, so I feel I have no option but to do it. I want to know WHY I am/feel different to virtually every other young person. I have never been so sure I might get some answers as to why, with this test.
I said in a previous post that the private hospital my dad phoned didn't do this test yet, but they have since phoned back saying they now do it. It sounds like they send the blood to the Spanish lab Life Length, and results include if your telomere length is critically short and what your biological age is. Unfortunately I need a doctor's referral before I can have the blood test, so I'll hopefully get that done next week.
It may seem strange but in winter I haven't got so many pimples because my skin is drier because of the cold, on the scale it would be 2; however in summer it gets kinda messy and goes up to 8. I think I've made my mind up : I will stop.
I would be the saddest guy if I couldn't ride my bike anymore because of joint pain or some other weird stuff.
I think I've made my mind up : I will stop.I would be the saddest guy if I couldn't ride my bike anymore because of joint pain or some other weird stuff.
Wise choice.
Here are some connections:
Younger you are, higher risk of side effects.
More of it you take, higher risk.
More cycles of it, higher risk.
Lower body fat, higher risk.
Male, higher risk.
You don't want to be stuck with these problems, believe me.
. I've read several theories into why things like IBS, Erectile Dysfunction and knee problems can occur months or years after stopping treatment.
sure,they are just theories, that need to be proven somehow. ive read many things, and it doesnt mean all things written are necessarily true. how can you verify these reports? you cant, so keep an open mind and dont just immediatly attribute any new bodily performance fluctuation to past accutane usage, but dont rule out either,only after you have ruled out all other possible influences, may you come to conclude these are because of accutane. nor am i defending accutane, vitamin a substances are well known to be toxic to the body in high doses. in all fairness, even to accutane, you were ill before you started the medication.
Blimey, you've posted quite a few times on this site...
I have to disagree about being ill before Accutane though.
I really don't think Acne is caused my diet. Diet may influence it to get worse once it's started though.
But I never took a day off school, jumped out of bed in the morning and was rarely sick.
If I was sick, it never lasted long at all.
Quite a comparison to my current health.
Did you take the drug?
I'm only asking because of your routine in your signature.
I'm currently waiting on B12 liquid. It should come today or Monday, because I paid the stupid customs fee on Thursday.
Someone I've spoken to from America mentioned this has been a big help to him, and the book I'm reading at the moment talks about how B12 may be depleted during Hypothyroidism.
I did about 30 press-ups, if that, the other day.
My body is just so weak these days.
The last 2 days, my chest has been sore to the touch... Just by a light prod.
Felt like a pensioner big time this morning.
Slowly stumbling to the bathroom, aching.
I've been having back pain every day recently too.
Used to have this all the time, and then it went away for a while.
Could be stress from my job, or having to sit at a computer all day.
Whatever it is, I don't like it.
Really need a miracle right now.
Why can't my life by a Disney movie?
It's got to the point where I would kill to have my health back.
I'm so desperate to feel alive once more.
this might surprise you, but yes i did take accutane, only for two weeks week and i had some strange reaction and decided that i wasnt going to continue. im not totally sure it was accutane, but it was likely related, i just had a strange feeling in my throat and my lymph glands in my neck were swollen, i could have been sick but it was in the middle of may, people rarely get the flu or colds in the middle of may, so it was a unique event, either way i stopped and and the symptom went away. but it could very well have been due to a combination of accutane and any number of supplements in my diet at the time, not soley attributed to accutane, drugs react with other elements and other drugs all the time, for me to say it was just accutane, im just not toally sure, but i believe accutane was involved in the adverse reaction. and i was "sick" to begin with anyway, that why i was at the dermatolgist, and thats what i mean by "sick" unhealthy/unwell/bodily disfunction, not necessarily do i mean cold/flu or nasal/ ear canal /respiratory infection, when i say you were sick anyways, i mean that, you were in general ill health to begin with, due to the fact you sought out a doctors "expertise". BTW, doctors are only experts in telling you, you are sick (thats obvious) giving it a fancy name(sometimes pointless), protecting themselves from lawsuits and liability and any accountability(by trying to tell you the least), and protecting the pharmaceutical companies that pay their bills and have "allowed" them to practice medicine. god bless them though, not many of them knew what they signed up for as young kids, im sure they were decent people at one time, pawns in a game they new nothing about.
it sounds like you are going through a great deal, i wish you good luck. but even better then luck, i encourage you to look into the possibility that vitamin d may alleviate some of your symptoms, but im not sure, vitamin d seems to protect from vitamin a excess, you will have to look for more science on that though, im just casually spreading the word without redoing all teh research myself. you can do the leg work or simply spend 8 bucks on 1000 iu of vitamin and see what happens.
I just read the study linked below and wonder if anyone has tried Fox0 downregulating. Upregulation of Fox0 seems to be the cause of all the side effects. It is probably not this simple, but if supplementing with IGF-1 and insulin and doing other things which downregulate that helps, I'm all for it.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3219165/?tool=pubmed
Very interesting link gboyle. I could only understand about 2/3rds of it but it is interesting how they could explain how the side effects are caused.
Looks like we need to get some milk. I pretty much stopped drinking it after my bout with Accutane and attempt to heal my skin naturally. I'm fairly sure it gives me cystic acne though, maybe milk-kefir would work.
Hey guys,
Just an update. Since going on the Circadian control regimine, I haven't gotten sick. I just completed a travel work assignment and didn't get sick then either. Looks like this is my solution to being capable of a full time work schedule. I appear to be essentially normal now.
I'll need to wait a day or two more to fully verify, of course. But everything looks good.
Busy times, lots to catch up on.
All this telomer stuff i don't know, it's all getting highly complex, if it helps you....go for it, more power to you. So far there have been SO many angles and suggestions it's hard to keep count. Ranging from running barefoot to heal side effects (lol), all the way to telomer tests and people considering pro hormones and all sorts of crazy stuff. I want you all to be healthy and happy and you should listen to your body above everything else. @Jmsil i really wish you all the best with that test, if you decide thats the best course of action @Indigo your chest probably hurt because you don't do press-up's often, it's called DOMS (Delayed onset muscle soreness) everyone gets it. @Joseph you still eating rice and scallops? have you ever tried buffalo? i had some recently and it said 0.7 grams of fat per 100g.
The test is going to cost around 400. It's a lot of money, but to be honest, right now I can't think of anything I'd rather spend that money on. I NEED to know what's wrong. I am in this situation whether I like it or not, so I feel I have no option but to do it. I want to know WHY I am/feel different to virtually every other young person. I have never been so sure I might get some answers as to why, with this test.
I said in a previous post that the private hospital my dad phoned didn't do this test yet, but they have since phoned back saying they now do it. It sounds like they send the blood to the Spanish lab Life Length, and results include if your telomere length is critically short and what your biological age is. Unfortunately I need a doctor's referral before I can have the blood test, so I'll hopefully get that done next week.
I wouldn't waste your money on the test. I believe he even mentions it in his report. I don't think they can tell without taking the lab prior to Accutane and then after Accutane. In fact I believe that how it was done with cancer pts/mice who recieved chemo. It won't do you any good to take it now.
Indigo - I assume you still take Vit D right as most hypo thyroid pts are deficient in this.
I just read the study linked below and wonder if anyone has tried Fox0 downregulating. Upregulation of Fox0 seems to be the cause of all the side effects. It is probably not this simple, but if supplementing with IGF-1 and insulin and doing other things which downregulate that helps, I'm all for it.
http://www.ncbi.nlm....65/?tool=pubmed
I don't know, but I must say since starting Insulin for type 1 diabetes I feel better then I have felt in a long time. I mean my sugar levels have showed pristine and normal for 3yrs after Accutane, but there are some things that have cleared up since this spontaneous eruption of Type 1 diabetes in Jan and starting a long acting insulin....
Hope you guys are doing well, - Jen
The test is going to cost around 400. It's a lot of money, but to be honest, right now I can't think of anything I'd rather spend that money on. I NEED to know what's wrong. I am in this situation whether I like it or not, so I feel I have no option but to do it. I want to know WHY I am/feel different to virtually every other young person. I have never been so sure I might get some answers as to why, with this test.
I said in a previous post that the private hospital my dad phoned didn't do this test yet, but they have since phoned back saying they now do it. It sounds like they send the blood to the Spanish lab Life Length, and results include if your telomere length is critically short and what your biological age is. Unfortunately I need a doctor's referral before I can have the blood test, so I'll hopefully get that done next week.
I wouldn't waste your money on the test. I believe he even mentions it in his report. I don't think they can tell without taking the lab prior to Accutane and then after Accutane. In fact I believe that how it was done with cancer pts/mice who recieved chemo. It won't do you any good to take it now.
Indigo - I assume you still take Vit D right as most hypo thyroid pts are deficient in this.
I just read the study linked below and wonder if anyone has tried Fox0 downregulating. Upregulation of Fox0 seems to be the cause of all the side effects. It is probably not this simple, but if supplementing with IGF-1 and insulin and doing other things which downregulate that helps, I'm all for it.
http://www.ncbi.nlm....65/?tool=pubmed
I don't, but I must say since starting Insulin for type 1 diabetes I feel better then I have felt in a long time. I mean my sugar levels have showed pristine and normal for 3yrs after Accutane, but there are some things that have cleared up since this spontaneous eruption of Type 1 in Jan. and starting a long acting insulin....
Hope you guys are doing well, - Jen
I wish I could help you. I was on accutane for a year and not only did it not clear my acne but left me with long term side effects.
Of course, this was 7 years ago. I didn't do any research (I was a teenager), there weren't websites like this for acne....
How people here can read through these replies and still decide to take this horrible drug just to get rid of their zits is beyond me. Really tempting fate!!
"just to get rid of their zits is beyond me" - Do you know why this is beyond you? The answer is simply because you've obviously never suffered from acne the way most of us do. A zit is not just a zit to many of us here, its a life threatening disease which RUINS LIVES. Get it?
Depression
Social phobia
Anxiety disorders
Impaired self-image and self-esteem
Social dysfunction
Reduced quality of life
.. is just some of the MANY psychological effects acne victims have to deal with. Dont you agree that this is a lot worse than having the possible side effects of Accutane?
Some people say its better to go on anti-biotics or topical treatments instead, because you are less likely to catch a side effect. True, but what most people forget is that all of these treatments have side effects aswell. And when you pile them together, the list of side effects are potentially much worse than accutane alone. I.e troughout my five years of dealing with acne, I have been subscribed a total of 8 different treatments before accutane. Tetracycline, Oxytetral, Ery-Max, Fineacea Gel, Dalacin, Retin-A, Salysic acid just to mention some.
To all the people out there,- please dont let threads and posts like this get in your way of clearing your face once and for all. I mean, common, its a prescription drug, not a suicide pill. If you notice any potential serious side effects when being on this drug, then call a professional like a derm and ask him/her about it. Its really not that big of a deal.
Ahahahaha! Thanks for making my day. This guy just listed almost everything I experienced for the first time either during or after my accutane treatment,
Get It!?
Depression - Never felt real "chemical" depression until I started accutane.
Social phobia - Lost feelings of strong emotional connection with others after taking accutane.
Anxiety disorders - Had my first panic attack for no reason a few weeks after my last dose. Still have anxiety for no apparent reason often.
Impaired self-image and self-esteem - Its difficult to have high self esteem after being left close-to-impotent after accutane.
Social dysfunction - The blunted emotions I have been left with after taking accutane makes being around friends and family a real blast.
Reduced quality of life - see above
I wouldn't be sure that all of this was caused by isotretinoin if hundreds to thousands of other people weren't telling the same story about this drug. Its beyond reasonable disbelief.
@wtf- Ever heard of walking a mile in other's shoes? Well, go get castrated, then get lobotomized, then get jumped-in to a gang first thing every morning when you roll out of bed... for 13 years straight, then come back and report your risk/benefit analysis between living with acne and living with some of the severe and bizarre and completely possible side effects of isotretinoin.
Unless your acne is driving you to suicide for some reason, its not worth having your body and personality potentially destroyed to get rid of it.... IMO
Apologies to everyone for my abrupt tirade, I felt I had to 
. I've also been following this thread almost since it began and have some quick questions for everyone involved in this very long discussion on long term side effects.
No offense to anyone, but is there a reason so many accutane-side-effect topics are being discusseed on this site rather than ragforum or another site specifically dedicated to those who are suffering long term sides? It seems as if it would be easier to organize any new information gained in conversations like this thread that way.
ED and loss of libido are very embarrassing side effects I have developed from accutane. I don't like talking about it anymore than any of you would. But, How many of you can honestly say no aspect of your sexual functioning has been affected by accutane? I have always wondered what the prevalance of this is. Am I one of the few in this respect or is it common to varying degrees? Its pretty obviously an under-reported side effect in either case...
Congradulations to SCClippers for making it out of this mess sane and healthy. May be the luckiest person to post in this thread . The harsh reality is that recovery to a pre-accutane or even close to a pre-accutane state either naturally or through medical intervention seems rare and inconsistant. Most of you are probably well aware that some have been struggling for their health for over 20 years since they took the drug. It is going on 13 years for me, I feel that I am far beyond a natural recovery, all of my medical treatments have failed me, and unfortunately, many of you may be stuck in the same boat 13 years from now if accutane sufferers as a group don't step up to the challenge of getting the medical community to take our illness/illnesses seriously. As frightening as it may sound, it's just something to keep in mind...
Thank you to everyone who is getting tests done, theorizing, and continually going to doctors to try to find a way out of this and everyone who is warning others against taking such an overtly dangerous drug.
@Joseph you still eating rice and scallops? have you ever tried buffalo? i had some recently and it said 0.7 grams of fat per 100g.
No Chico I stopped eating scallops after some weird experiment results. I'll have to retest to make sure they're still ok for me.
Now I eat steamed lean pork and chicken mainly, sometimes fish. The steaming drains out the fat and oils.
Still going strong with the circadian trick. No problems. Just went through a day of job interviews, out all day, healthy all the way through. Cool stuff.
Figured out that I can eat unsalted tuna in water from a grocery store and white rice from restaurants. That makes travel way easier. Also, found a restaurant that was willing to just steam seafood and provide plain white rice. First 100% safe restaurant I've found. Mmmm crab.
If this keeps up my life is going to take a massive upturn...
EDIT: Oh yeah, .7% fat is a pretty good ratio, you usually only see that in lean seafood.
Well, I can certainly understand the confluence of biological, social and circumstantial factors that would lead one to such a decision.
The questions you have to ask yourself are:
1. Am I taking ownership of emotions and behaviors that are in fact driven by external forces?
2. Have I realistically assessed my future happiness? (Keeping in mind that most attempted suicides later report that they badly miscalculated.)
Personally, I find I am entering an unexpected phase where scars, humiliations and regrets I thought I would carry forever have completely ceased to matter. Personal evolution is difficult to predict.
However, what kept me going in my case was a single-minded purpose that overrode aversion to pain - and a slim hope that this purpose might yet be achievable. I did find that after a certain point, the argument for enduring pain now to enjoy potential pleasure later loses its motivational effectiveness.
If I were to go back and give myself advice, I might say this: "You will be here awhile. Find ways, chemical or audiovisual, to make the downtime pass unnoticed."
Think of past suffering as principal paid on a mortgage. Walk away now, and you lose the house.
The good thing about suffering is that it can only happen in the present, which is such a tiny sliver of time that it can hardly be said to exist at all.
By the way, you appear to be strongly cycling between manic and depressive phases. I am very familiar with this cycle. Here is how I cracked it:
Begin a journal. Make one entry daily. Every two days, summarize into a two-day entry. Every four days, summarize two two-day entries into a 4-day entry. Every 8 days, summarize two 4-day entries into an 8-day entry, etc. Keep separate journals for each entry class: one for 2-day, one for 4-day, one for 8-day, etc.
Second, get on lifemetric.com and start tracking as many variables as might be relevant daily. Look for major mood swing patterns and try to identify independent causal triggers in either your journal or tracking data. In my case, food was the obvious causal variable.
Other self-tracking options are available here: http://quantifiedself.com/guide/
Hey Joseph, I've been testing the organic tobacco self-rolled, and it's a good tip, it improves mood from down cycles.
I'm not surprised you can do other lean proteins. You're moving closer to my diet. Add in broth/stock if you can. I think it will help.
_______________
That pubmed link is interesting. Very system wide mayhem. It confirms what I was saying many posts back, that the problem is likely downregulation of DHT and androgen receptors (AR).
I'm going to kill myself. cant do this anymore
I hope not, you've on the right track. It took me years to get the level of understanding you have now. I see a part of my past in you, i used to give myself deadlines in terms of curing all these side effects, i used to say things like "if this isn't sorted by the time i'm 23, thats it" it's this kind of desperation that breeds a self destructive mentality and thats the thing you have to quash above all else...... thats the thing that will cause the most pain in the long run. I can tell you from experience, the side effects don't get worse in time, so in the words of Bruce Lee you have to say "alright here i am man, this is it" because the way you are now is the way you may be in a few years, but you don't need to fear it because it is what it is.
I got so desperate, so self destructive in terms of curing myself, that i lost many of the people closest to me...i lost my long term girlfriend, who i loved dearly...because i pushed her away. Most of my friends deserted me....all except one. I lived every second of every day thinking about "accutane" that was my life. Lost my job, quit university, wouldn't go out of the house....i lost myself completely. There in lies a powerful message....everything has to be put in PERSPECTIVE..........now perspective is a personal thing, you might think your accutane side effects are more important than anything, more important than the world imploding.... But thats your dwarfed perspective....you can keep yourself without losing the things you care about, but you have to divorce yourself from this. Divorce yourself from the fear, the anxiety, the feeling that no-one is going through worse problems than you, the desperation because it only leads to self destructive urges. The battle is as much in your mind as it is in your body.
I care about all you guys and we are all working on solutions, but you have to keep a hold of yourself and don't lose a true sense of PERSPECTIVE, thats so important, accept the situation your in, accept whats happened to you, not the person you were before, but the person you are now. It'll empower you to take back control of your life.
Its fucking unfair. He's the nicest boy I've ever met, and now I might lose him because of this drug. I know I can't be selfish but I can't help it. No one deserves this, I really feel for all of you. I wish there was something I could do to help. I'll carry on praying but I don't even know if there's a god up there that exists.
Hey Joseph, I've been testing the organic tobacco self-rolled, and it's a good tip, it improves mood from down cycles.
I'm not surprised you can do other lean proteins. You're moving closer to my diet. Add in broth/stock if you can. I think it will help.
Congrats!
About the broth, you have my attention, but did you have an extreme fat sensitivity? Liquidized fat is extremely hard on me.
The Circadian method is still holding. Looks like this is it for me.
I'm going to kill myself. cant do this anymore
I hope not, you've on the right track. It took me years to get the level of understanding you have now. I see a part of my past in you, i used to give myself deadlines in terms of curing all these side effects, i used to say things like "if this isn't sorted by the time i'm 23, thats it" it's this kind of desperation that breeds a self destructive mentality and thats the thing you have to quash above all else...... thats the thing that will cause the most pain in the long run. I can tell you from experience, the side effects don't get worse in time, so in the words of Bruce Lee you have to say "alright here i am man, this is it" because the way you are now is the way you may be in a few years, but you don't need to fear it because it is what it is.
I got so desperate, so self destructive in terms of curing myself, that i lost many of the people closest to me...i lost my long term girlfriend, who i loved dearly...because i pushed her away. Most of my friends deserted me....all except one. I lived every second of every day thinking about "accutane" that was my life. Lost my job, quit university, wouldn't go out of the house....i lost myself completely. There in lies a powerful message....everything has to be put in PERSPECTIVE..........now perspective is a personal thing, you might think your accutane side effects are more important than anything, more important than the world imploding.... But thats your dwarfed perspective....you can keep yourself without losing the things you care about, but you have to divorce yourself from this. Divorce yourself from the fear, the anxiety, the feeling that no-one is going through worse problems than you, the desperation because it only leads to self destructive urges. The battle is as much in your mind as it is in your body.
I care about all you guys and we are all working on solutions, but you have to keep a hold of yourself and don't lose a true sense of PERSPECTIVE, thats so important, accept the situation your in, accept whats happened to you, not the person you were before, but the person you are now. It'll empower you to take back control of your life.
Hey Chico.
I always liked you.
And what you've just said does match what I'm going through exactly.
I said a few months ago 'I'll give this a year, and if I'm still in this mess, I'll just kill myself'.
I've hit rock bottom again, and yesterday I could only see killing myself as an option.
It scared me how I was acting.
I was saying things purposely to appear crazy, because I feel like it doesn't matter anymore.
My Mum and Step-Dad were talking about me (and didn't think I could hear).
My Step-Dad was saying 'He's a fucking prick. He doesn't care about anyone else'.
This was because I got home from getting some skin-products from Boots (a shop in the UK) and me and my Girlfriend were having lunch.
I pulled out a few bits of ham and half a bag of salad, and some crisps.
My Mum was ironing and was in the way.
I felt so tired. I always seem to at the weekends. I have these plans throughout the week and when it hit's Saturday morning I have zero motivation, and end up depressed. I then think, 'If I can't enjoy the weekends, as well as the week, what am I going on for?'
Anyway... I felt defeated by a fucking ironing board and at that point didn't care about my gilrfriend not having a sandwich.
I just could not be fucked with anything. I was eating my salad and thinking 'I want to kill myself right fucking now'.
Really, it's no surprise that my Mum and Step-Dad get pissed at me.
They can't possibly understand why I'm acting the way I am.
In their eyes, I've just made myself lunch and let my girlfriend sit there watching me eat it.
I could feel the blood running through my veins.
I was so angry.
He was saying that I'm full of shit and that I don't have anything wrong with me.
'How dare he?' I thought.
Does he not know how much pain I'm in?
Does he not realise I am dying inside.
I was inconsolable at this point.
The things I was saying, make me feel ashamed.
It was like a Monster took me over.
'I want to stab that fucking c*nt right now' (referring to my Step-Dad).
'I hope my Mum gets cancer and dies. I hate her'. (That makes me want to smash my face against a brick wall right now).
'If I had a gun, I'd kill all my familly and then myself'.
My girlfriend was sitting with me at this point.
I don't have a clue why she sticks with me anymore.
I honestly don't trust myself anymore.
I have anger problems, and it's when that becomes a habit that people do bad things.
I felt like I could have killed someone.
I was so angry. I was so ashamed of the person I'd become, and ashamed of the life I was living.
I'm not sure it's a good idea to share these feelings with a bunch of people online.
One of you may now be on your way to take me to a Mental Hospital.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I look in the mirror, and all I see is this defeated dead soul.
It's like I understand this is all there will ever be for me now.
An up-and-down cycle of struggling to deal with this, and just being able to cope at all.
But you're right, Chico.
There are people worse off than me.
I've read a couple of books which showed me some terrible things.
And yet, after a few days of finishing the book, I don't care about anything besides what I'm going through.
I know more than anything, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
I can't help feel my life has been taken away from me, by a bunch of greedy and heartless bastards.
I can't imagine living another 5 years like this, let alone see a future for me now.
I feel like it's inevitable. I will either contract some life-threatening disease due to my fucked up body, or I will reach breaking point and down a load of painkillers.
It's really torture, and again you're right - A lot of it has to do with my mind.
My mind seems broken now. It's been exposed to some terrible things. It's like my soul is dead. I'm no longer happy.
My girlfriend was talking about how I used to be happy, and referred to when I was in Tesco (a supermarket) pretending a cucumber was my penis (I should be so lucky...)
Thing is, I wasn't happy then. Perhaps, in that moment. But I was depressed. I was coming to this forum and talking about the same feelings I have now.
But now, I feel I've got to an ever lower place.
It doesn't help that I feel I could have been someone.
I don't think it was my 'purpose' to be killed by a drug for Acne.
I feel like I could have made something amazing out of my life.
As the days go by, I feel like I'll never have anything amazing.
I probably won't have kids, because I can't even make a sandwich.
My girlfriend keeps saying I need to see someone (i.e. a therapist).
She knows I won't take drugs (anti-depressants).
Thing is, in my eyes, it's a waste of time.
The NHS (the health system in the UK) is shit.
I've seen someone before.
I've tried it.
They just teach CBT.
I did the course, and I have several books on the subject.
It's all about rational thinking.
Yet, I think it is rational to think my life is over.
As for things not getting worse, I'm not sure that's true.
Jen probably didn't expect to get Type 1 diabetes.
I didn't know I'd get hemorrhoids 1 year ago.
I mean, this nightmare is never over really.
Even if things weren't able to get worse, I think I have too much on my plate to cope with.
God, I wish I knew I could get through this and one day be happy.
I think if I knew there were 10 years of this ahead of me, I could cope.
If there was even a chance I could be rid of all of this.
But life doesn't seem to work like that.
It may have seemed magical when I was a kid, but the spark died out when I realised how bad life can be.
What makes it hard is, having people to care about you.
I spose I said I'd shoot my family because then nobody would get upset about me killing myself.
It's a messed up thought, and honestly it's probably me talking shit.
Would I really shoot the people I love most?
But when I get into that 'zone', where I feel rage and anger... I'm scared I could do something terrible.
I used to be so popular as a kid.
I didn't have that many friends, but I was like the leader.
I had such a good childhood, which makes this harder.
It's such a contrast.
I used to play football every day, pokemon... Just like a normal boy.
I was happy every day. I woke up feeling alive and well.
What I wouldn't do to go back and live it all again.
Now though, it's like I don't like people.
Strangers are hostiles to me.
My friends don't understand me anymore, I think.
They must all think I'm very boring, and wonder 'What happened to that guy? He doesn't drink. He's quit his job again. What is he doing?'
I push everyone away.
My girlfriend clearly cares a lot for me.
She'd do anything for me, and yet I get angry at her when she gives me advice.. saying I need to let this go.
I can't accept that.
If I say I look old and aged, and she says 'No you don't', I call her a liar.
When I take her home at 11pm and she wants to talk, I'll end up getting impatient and we can't compromise.
I say I want to end the relationship, and that I don't care about anything anymore.
We'll still be sat outside her house at Midnight, with me saying 'Get out of my fucking car, I just want to go to bed. I don't want to be with you anymore'
and her crying, 'How can you not care about me? I've been there for you this whole time'.
And I really feel like I'm dead inside.
Like I have no feelings.
And that's what scares me most...
That I've lost the nice boy I once was.
The caring, sensitive boy who would cry when someone else was upset.
I don't know what else to say.