Note: Sorry, this post ended up being longer than I intended it to be! Heh, I kinda got carried away. It's not the usual photo + progress update. I just felt like getting something off my chest. Hopefully you can relate!

-------------

Wow. Time flies by so fast! I'm already on month 3! Ugh life was getting pretty hectic. I had midterms upon midterms, lab exam upon lab exam and now finals are approaching in a couple of weeks. Gotta love university.

That being said, there is one thing I'm not stressing about. My skin! Accutane is truly a miracle drug. My skin has been freaking awesome the past couple of months. I think I only got one breakout in the last 20ish days! The texture of my skin has become much more smooth and my overall skin tone has evened out too. There's no more redness either. Also this past month, I've started to wear a lot less makeup. I never thought I'd be able to wear anything less than medium-to-full coverage (and I usually opted for full coverage). Last month, I changed to a low coverage foundation and it feels great. I get up every morning looking forward to my morning routine instead of dreading it. And as weird as it sounds, I don't "resent" makeup anymore.

For me, there was always this sense of burden when I woke up in the morning to hide my face. And this is where I think the underlying sense of resentment arose - the idea of actively (and almost obsessively) concealing a part of myself almost every day. And I don't think this just applies to makeup. I think any situation where you feel you need to hide yourself can induce resentment (e.g. not going out with friends because of a bad breakout or passing up opportunities because of your skin).

The other day, I was at a friend's university residence studying for an upcoming exam and one of her flatmates came out and cheerfully introduced herself. She made some coffee and stayed to chat for awhile. She also happened to have very, very severe cystic acne. But it didn't faze her. She acted totally normal! No fidgeting, avoidance of eye contact, nothing! Her skin was probably 5x worse than my 'worst breakout ever' and yet she purposefully chose to come out of her room, introduce herself and chat with a random stranger. I was baffled. I've hidden out in my room for much, much less. I've missed classes for much, much less.

I don't know if I did all that because of pride or just goddamn insecurity. I think it may have been a little of both. Acne didn't just cause depression, insecurity, or shyness. For me, it created an internal conflict. Some days I felt a sense of entitlement for having good skin - "Family has perfect skin. Best friend has great skin. I should have it too! Why can't I have it?!". Other days, I felt spiteful and judgemental - "Hmph she may have better skin, but look at her body. Look at the way she dresses.". And some days, I felt downright miserable and ashamed of myself, recalling all those times when external family members made comments (you know...THOSE aunts, uncles ).

So what do you do? Well...what I did was hide. I succumbed entirely to the gutless option of the inherent flight or flight response. I cancelled so many plans with friends due to an unexpected breakout. I avoid cameras like the plague. I hid behind a crap load of foundation as a defence mechanism. Even times when the breakouts weren't so bad, I still did it. So, I went on this beautiful, dangerous drug called Accutane because I was sick of feeling inadequate.

What I'm slowly coming to grips with is the fact acne itself didn't make me feel inadequate. I let myself feel inadequate. Acne was simply a challenging circumstance that presented itself. The choices I made under those circumstances were my own. Influenced heavily by acne or not, the choices I made were mine.

And I'm sure there are tough days for that female flatmate I met. But she was able to rise above it. She became a survivor, while I let myself be a victim to acne. And not just her...I've seen so many people with various skin conditions - from chemical burns, fungal infections, to major hyperpigmentation/birthmarks on their face who are able to relax in a social environment. I crave to be able to do that myself.

We all share a common goal in our journey through accutane. We all want beautiful, clear skin. But unexpectedly for me, this journey has become a lot more than counting down the months/days. I've begun to reflect on my past choices, my outlook regarding appearance and how I wish to live my life.

We're living in the age of "selfies". Constant perusal of people's pictures on facebook and instagram. Waiting for all those "likes" on a heavily filtered/edited photo. No. I don't want to play that "game". I'm tired of this unyielding search for "acceptance". My skin is clearing up and I feel more pretty than I ever have, but I refuse to take for granted how hard the acne struggle has been. I refuse to put myself back into a box based on appearance right after I get the liberating, clear skin I've always wanted.

I'm not there yet though. Going totally makeup-free is still something I'm working on. Trying to not feel so self-conscious all the time about my physical features is still something I'm working on. But I'm so ready to live my life without reservations!

I'm clapping, I love the recent post!! I've a make up fanatic and I feel so self conscious when I go out with no foundation on. I still feel the need to conceal everything on my face, I only really feel pretty when I have foundation It's still a journey for me and I keep thinking, if only my skin clears up once and for all, that's when I'll be completely comfortable with myself, that's when my confidence levels will boost. I guess I'm expecting roaccutane to clear my skin and improve everything about myself but I realise that's completely unrealistic

I am so happy for you though! I'm so glad everything's coming along

I'm clapping, I love the recent post!! I've a make up fanatic and I feel so self conscious when I go out with no foundation on. I still feel the need to conceal everything on my face, I only really feel pretty when I have foundation

Aww thanks!! Yeah I've started loving makeup again too! Been watching waay too many youtube tutorials. Nowadays when I put makeup on, I feel like I'm painting on a blank canvas instead of slathering at a bumpy, discoloured, inflamed, and clogged face. But yeah, I totally get what you mean about not feeling satisfied until the smallest imperfection is concealed. And if you're anything like me, you probably end up applying more cover-up everywhere else to "even it up" . I think makeup is great though - it enhances features while boosting confidence. Most of the girls I know always wear makeup for confidence, impressions' sake, and beautification. But if having a "bare face" brings forth a persisting negative mentality - then I think there's a problem.

It's still a journey for me and I keep thinking, if only my skin clears up once and for all, that's when I'll be completely comfortable with myself, that's when my confidence levels will boost. I guess I'm expecting roaccutane to clear my skin and improve everything about myself but I realise that's completely unrealistic

Haha you should've seen me! Soon after starting my 2nd round of Accutane, I jumped the gun about which treaments to pursue for post-accutane treatment: laser, microdermabrasion, facials. I even started researching for the best laser clinics, $200+ Obagi kit suppliers, etc. It was so ridiculous. But for what it does though, Accutane is quite the miracle worker. Your skin will become quite clear! But there still may also be imperfections - hyperpigmentation, acne scars, battle scars etc. Funny thing is, the sooner I stopped obsessing over my skin, the sooner it healed and rejuvenated.

Hi Jaz! i have just started my second round of accutane. i am 29 and i did it when i was 18 and it came back on my chin really bad. its just hundreds of tiny whiteheads some of which turn into pimples and some dont. ive never had a problem on my forehead since i was 18 but even that is acting up now. i was so discouraged until i read your posts so thank you for showing the light at the end of the tunnel! i am hoping that this really works to clear up my white heads on my chin as nothing else has worked at all. can you post a pic of your month three results - i have a tanned indian skin and i am hoping that i wil have the same progress as you have!