I thought about posting this several years ago, but stopped myself. I didn't do it because I don't like the idea of coming here and posting something that might make people feel more pessimistic, but my story, though not a fun, happy one, still deserves to be heard.

I'm 37 years old. I'm unemployed, have never actually worked, live with my father, have a benzo addiction, various psychological problems, I can honestly say I hate life... though it's a calm hatred, it's not the seething anger I felt years ago, that I see some of you post about to this day, it's more of a realization that I hate this, but somewhat of an acceptance of what happened....and it all began with acne.

At the age of 10 I began severely breaking out, almost overnight. Mainly on my nose. I always had two or three cysts on my nose and would get ridiculed constantly. As the years progressed this spread to my chin, jaw, neck, back, chest, shoulders and butt. I began having to wear all black, navy blue and other dark colors, as my clothes would be covered in blood by the end of the day. At 15 I was put on my first round of accutane, 80mg daily for five months. It did nothing unfortunately. My dermatologist at the time claimed this was the most severe case he had seen in person, send me to another doctor. I did a second round combined with antibiotics. Somewhat helped my face, didn't even phase the acne on my body.

At this point in the story I am around 18 years old. I now have severe, permanent keloid scarring all over my torso and on some parts of my face. I become very withdrawn and isolated. Over the next few years I was essentially a recluse, I lived with a co-dependent parent, who was ok with this and actually seemed to encourage it. Having no other forms of human contact, I became very co-dependent as well, not really learning any essential life-skills that a young man in his late teens and early twenties should be learning, including socializing.

We are now at 23. This was an even more important year because it was my third accutane cycle, and where all hell began. This one I was sent to a very progressive derm who was willing to go all out if I was, along with signed consent from another. We did a third cycle, ramping up to 180mg by the final month. Yes, 180mg. This one actually worked (for now). I'll never forget waking up one day, touching my face and freaking out because it wasn't slathered in oil. This came at the price of nearly losing my mind though. By the sixth month I had become quite violent, this toned down after I finished, but then the real problems began. I was having a very hard time simply going outside, I would start shaking uncontrollably out of fear, and usually end up vomiting. I started having a lot of random crying spells and suicidal urges. I spent most of 23 and 24 seeking medical help, in and out of hospitals, nobody knew what was going on. I discovered Xanax. My co-dependent father would give me quite a bit of money every week, which I would use to order this illegally online, and would blow the rest on random toys.I'm not sure if I can discuss my illegal use of this here so I won't, but I realized that if I took that, it would buy me a few hours of "normal". I had about four or five hours after popping pills, that I could just be myself and have fun and enjoy life, which led to.... 24.

24is a significant year.I lost my virginity. I met a girl with a horrible life who had been abused and other terrible things, she really liked me. As many young people with severe acne, I didn't date, I just assumed it wouldn't be possible. But with this girl, I realized that there's a whole underground of society, whether it's people with severe acne, abuse victims, drug-addicts, lifetime homeless etc., that are almost part of a community. And while, up there, in the "real world" I didn't fit in, down here, in this underground, I fit in just fine. This would be my first but not my last, over the next ten plus years, I slept around and had relationships with more women than I dreamed was possible. I am NOT glorifying this, but it's a segment of society that exists and it's just a brutally honest part of my story. As time went on, I started sleeping with women from "up there", all the confidence that was building up in me was actually carrying over, to where I was having somewhat lengthy relationships with mature, professional women.... women with careers, who owned homes and had kids, and for some reason looked past the fact I had no job, lived at home, had no future, no ambition etc. This may give hope to some, and I don't regret it, out of such a miserable life, at least I had some fun, but it's an addiction.... sex and the highs of chasing new relationships became away to escape the pain. My life had no semblance of normality, I was having horrific panic attacks, didn't work, lived at home in a filthy room, but I could go out, start a new relationship with a girl I met, and this would get me high enough to keep going and not have to cope with my pain.

Fast forward to now. 37. My life is literally the same, I still live in that same room, with that same parent, I go out here and there (the parent has far less money now, which means I do as well), but once a month or so I'll try to meet someone, and that rush keeps me going on. My benzo use is far, far less these days. But I still can't function without. I actually tried going to get some groceries about an hour ago, but I couldn't check-out, I got severely dizzy and had to leave my groceries on the floor and get out of the store quickly. This is how my life is, I spend most of my day laying down or looking out the window, waiting for night to come so I can sleep.

The moral is? There is no moral, my story isn't over. I reflect a lot. It's amazing that back in 1997 I joined my first acne forum.... this was when the internet was NOT fun, the dial-up days. There was a forum on an angelfire or lycos page, I believe. Urine therapy was all the rage back then, people would take their first catch of morning piss and rub some of it on their face, and drink the rest. This has resurrected in popularity every few years. All of it has. B5, ketsugo, hypnotherapy, Carly's soap (Carlies?), spironolactone for men. I've seen it all come and go over the years as people desperately search for an answer. I guess the only message I can send is, be careful how far you search. That third round of accutane cost me, at least a good 1/2 of my life. Over the years of living among that "underground", I have seen people self-treat and self-medicate things you wouldn't believe. Some successfully, and some not. Four months ago I saw a young man perform his own gynocomastia surgery, and literally slice both nipples on. He didn't get an infection or anything and it actually was successful, but I've seen far more cases go horribly wrong. I know people are tempted to try experimental things they find online, or even find docs like I did who will push the limits... I cant sit here and say don't risk it, because I always think, would my life truly be any better if I just lived to this day with severe acne conglobata? I honestly think I would be psychologically screwed up either way. But, be careful and be AWARE that things do go wrong.

Hopefully this hasn't been too depressing. The reality is that most of you will not face the hell that I have, I got dealt a pretty bad hand. And I know telling you not to worry about a few zits will not work, because I've been there, I'm still traumatized by acne, though my overall living conditions are so bad that it's taken a backseat, but it's still always on my mind. But maybe reading some of my story will help you guys see just how much worse it could be....