sometimes. it feels like my skins actually getting better better. no cysts, scars are healing, not painful. flat skin that I can easily cover up redness with some foundation. I can go a few hours without even thinking about my skin. I feel like maybe a new medication is actually working. or maybe it was just teenage hormones after all and Im finally growing out of it. I can go out with friends. I can feel comfortable in front of my roommate without makeup.

and its stupid to believe in that because as soon as I relax it always comes crashing down hard again. i start to feel the pain of a cyst in the middle of my face and try to convince myself it isnt. its the scariest feeling in the world. and soon enough, a huge cyst develops. and then more cysts. and more pimples. cant cover it up even with the best makeup. distorted face shape. I wake up everyday and it gets worse. as the days and weeks progress I desperately try to handle the mess that is my skin. i cant look anyone in the eyes. feeling disgusting because of my skin every moment of the day.

this is my daily life. and I hate this cruel cycle for letting me believe it could be anything else. i hate that Im still naive enough to think for a second that things are improving when its obviously just the cycle. it taunts me with the life I couldve had. i hate hormonal acne. its never going to get better