My experiences in life made me a pessismist given the fact that I'm also an introvert. Now what's the connection? It makes life much harder for me. As an acne sufferer, I look for people that I can talk to or have fun with but being an introvert keeps me away from doing those things. It has come to the point wherein I don't even talk to my relatives,especially my cousins, anymore.Therefore I have this feeling of being "isolated" within myself. Maybe because I don't have self-confidence at all.

As a pessimist, I'am fond of the saying the goes like ... " I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME TO BE POSITIVE WHEN THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO BE POSITIVE ABOUT" Spot on! Whenever this happens I feel frustrated without any reason.But don't get me wrong,  I appreciate those people who tell me to keep on going. For me having a negative mindset, leads to my insecurities because I start to compare myself with other people.

In my recent post, I said that my face was getting better(great improvement due to tretinoin cream!!  ) , I was getting my act together and I started doing well in school.But during our first examinations I had this emotional breakdown. It's just that there were so many insecurities and self-doubt. I reviewed SO HARD but I still had low scores while others (who barely reviewed the subjects)even did better than me. Then the feeling of "not being good enough", "I won't achieve anything no matter how hard I work for it", "my effort never pays off" or simply being pessimistic SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF ME. Christmas was near, and I didn't want to feel any kind of sadness and disappointment so what I did was, I PRAYED. It is my best way of feeling good and relieved that everything will soon be okay.

At the night before Christmas, we went to church. And as I was praying I said that "This will be the one of happiest Christmas I'll ever have" Today I can finally say that my statement came true!!  

We always celebrate Christmas with our relatives (father's family). And this year, it was still the same place where we used to celebrate, in my aunt's house. My cousins were there, of course. And here I'am once again not talking to them. When we had the family picture and was about to eat, what was going through my head was "I don't want to be the same person that I am going home today". It's Christmas I can atleast TRY you know. And so I TRIED, for once I BECAME CONFIDENT AND POSITIVE. I talked to them and to my shock, they genuinely talked to me as well. Why is this such a big deal? It's because I have never talked to THEM FOR YEARS, literally. I have avoided them as if they were not there. IT WAS VERY FUN MOMENT TO HANG OUT WITH THEM.  I'm just speechless. I didn't even wanna sleep that day because it was surreal. (Also because my favorite basketball team in our country's league won  in OT by a buzzer beater 3!! ) I thought that even when I grow up, I'll never be close to them. I was just very happy!!   

But being a pessimist I had this doubt that maybe it will only be in that day that I'll get to bond with them. And the next time we'd see each other everything will go back to what it was before, quiet and dry. 

So the next day, I still can't get over the happiness I was feeling that night. It was about afternoon, when suddenly our professor said that our grades in his subject were ready for viewing in the university website. So I checked and I was in disbelief that my initial grade for the subject was 100!!   Again, there was something for me to be happy about. I was just so overwhelmed with the feeling of happiness. 

AND THEN... my aunt called my mom saying that my cousins were in a mall and was hoping that I could join them and play bowling. Without hesitation I said, YES!! I told myself to take this as an opportunity to be closer to them. EVERYTHING FROM THEN ON WAS JUST SOMETHING I HOPE NEVER ENDED. We played bowling, went out to eat and we talked about a lot of things. It is an unforgettable moment and definitely something to cherish!!  

I'm really sorry if this post does not contain much about the feeling of havig acne. To be honest, I don't complain and feel insecure about the way I look anymore. Maybe because I feel secured with the medications my dermatologist gave me. There is such a huge improvement from what my face looked before. Before I usually have 3-5 painful and big pustules that never seem to go away, but after my consultation with a dernatologist (I already had 2 by the way, I'll come back again for the 3rd appointment after 2 months!!  ) I am currently using acnewin soap, a sunblock that is SPF 80, and Tretinoin Cream .025%. Everything has gotten better from then on  !! 

I am not forcing anyone to be positive about their situation. Because I myself is a pessimist. But I want to remind everyone that negativity will drain your energy and as I said before it will suck the life out of you. I'm trying my best to change into an optmistic person. Being negative is just a feeling that is very heavy and hard to deal with. It is a battle against your thoughts. All I want to do is share something about happiness which we can all have one way or the other.  I realized that there is really so much more to life than my insecurities. We all just have to go out there, be ourselves(no matter what others may say, FUCK THEIR RUDENESS!!) and seek happiness for we can achieve it!! ADVANCE HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE AND MAY YOU HAVE A GREAT ONE AHEAD!!