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I guess I needed to write it down somewhere, more for therapeutic reason than anything else. Having been lurking here for years and the kind of supportive people here, there is no better place.
I was always the best student in school. Acne flared up in high school, I did not pay attention to it but it was clear that I had it way worse than anybody else(I would not go into details of medication, rest assured I tried and I still go to a dermatologist biweekly. I only want to ).I wouldn't lie and say it did not impact my performance in other spheres of life. I let go of opportunities that other people would kill for. I still sometimes wonder what I could have been had I not had a body full of acne(The worst kind really). But I did, somewhere, separated the two from interfering with each other. To hell with my acne, I would work hard for my life and make out the best of it. If people had problem with my ugly-ass self, its their fucking problem. I did fairly well in studies, I have a great job and aspirations for the best things in life, professionally. Not only aspirations, but capability of achieving the same as well. But you see, this way of thinking is not really a good thing. It is isolating, you essentially have to stop caring about other people because you can't let them affect you at any level. I thought of other people as less than ideal, they all were vain, selfish, and self-centered to me(I understand that is only a defense mechanism to maintain some sort of sanity). It wasn't easy to detach yourself from others, but I did manage it. My success in other spheres of life made me believe I could live in solitude, hell I excelled in solitude.
Then it happened. Life has a way of fucking shit over. I never thought I could like any other living soul that much. She surprised me in ways I cannot describe. I gave it time, thinking its just the stupid brain playing tricks, but I did really like everything about her. It was so very hard for a person like me to open myself to a random human being. To break open that cocoon of self protection you built so carefully over the years. But I did let her know what I felt, and then once again in a drunken stupor. I can only thank her for letting me down ever so gently. I knew she deserved better than me, and by that time, when you like somebody a lot, you wish them the best as well. I was actually relieved, something I am not very proud of. But it was also devastating, for the first time in my adult life I felt the need of companionship. My life seemed insignificant when compared to that friend who got married recently with the love of his life.It seemed I was seeking happiness in something which had none. Life has taken an unexpected turn, something I hadn't thought about.
I have begun second guessing myself in everything I do. I had little inhibitions earlier, I never even thought about anything going wrong at all. But now, staying motivated to perform well is a constant struggle. I don't think I am terribly depressed, its just that I find it hard to defend my life priorities anymore. I know I need to let go of these negativeness. I am pushing away whatever small number of close friends I have.
i've come across a lot of posts i could relate to on these forums, but this has to sum up my feelings spot on.
i mean, i feel like i was at the exact stages in life you are describing here, and just like you, am at that uncomfortable place right now, where motivation is hard to find.
I too was in my "safe zone", working a job i truly enjoyed, earning three times the avg. salary (was only 21 at the time), respected by my peers and loved by my friends (even though i was reserved and never really opened up to them).
without going into all the details, with the help of some new friends and some change of scenery things were suddenly evolving in the "love" department, nothing real serious tbh, but some here, some there , no one actually hurt my feelings or broke up with me, but it gave me the hope and understanding that i should change my whole strategy on life, i mean, when it came to finding a partner.
sadly, this whole new strategy meant i now started paying much more attention to my looks, and suddenly my usually mild acne began to trouble me much more than it ever did. this whole acne thing deflated all of my new gained confidence in an instant, and even more than that, just like you, i started doubting everything else i had going for me before that. i mean, for that short period of time, i was definitely excited about the prospect of finding love, so i can't just pretend like i don't give a rat's ass about that no more. there's no more lying to myself.
anyway, am 24 now, about to start uni studies, which former me would've been excited about and honestly, would most likely ace...but i already feel like my motivation is in an all time low, and it's gonna be hard to go through uni with this kind of attitude.
all the best mate and hope things change around for us.
I've been in and out of therapy for a while now. This time around its been more difficult to get out of feeling depressed, two months ago my skin went from mild to widespread moderate acne. Ive always had acne but it didn't affect me the way it is right now. I'm isolating myself from friends and family, not even wearing makeup to help me feel better about myself, my light has grown dim. My therapist has basically given up on me, saying she is limited in how she can help me and thinks I should look into additional help. My husband thinks its not that bad and that I'm beautiful and doesn't understand why I'm feeling so down.
I don't necessarily get it either. It could be a lot worse. Nonetheless, acne is still present on my face and I feel powerless against it. For a while, I felt like a warrior. Facing each day without wearing makeup, running 2 miles every other day, eating healthy, etc. But the acne has a crippling effect and I feel very alone in my struggle. No one understands how or why it is breaking me down inside. I'm trying so hard to be tough and I manage to get through each work day. At the end of the day, however, when i look in the mirror I don't recognize myself. I don't care about being some beauty queen, I just miss not being afraid of my reflection in the mirror.
I feel like I can identify with what you're going through. We're both working hard to not let acne affect our quality of life and yet it seems to find a way to do that. I feel so disconnected, no one around me understands what I am going through, not even my therapist is equipped to help me. I just want someone to understand regardless if they think my feelings are justified or not. Its like im grieving over the loss of someone I once knew.
Sorry this probably wasn't helpful for you. Just wanted to share that I get what you're going through.