Hi. I use to come on this site a lot back in the day when my acne was really active on my face, probably around 2007 - 2010. At around the end of 2010 my acne started to clear up, with the help of some cosmetic treatments and some proper advice on skin product use, as well as some medication (albeit very minor).

For the 3 years since then I have had almost no acne problems, which is quite remarkable, although when my acne cleared up I didn't really get to feel the sense of joy I thought I would mainly because the suffering from all the years past outweighed it. However, the years following have not been that pleasant, and I have decided to come back on here and rant because I don't know what else to do.

My acne scars suck, I hate them. I don't even look at myself in the mirror. I'm 22 years old and I think I've probably spent most of my life avoiding mirrors, to the extent in which sometimes when I look at myself in a photo I am amazed because I don't actually think I've ever properly comprehended my face. All of this sounds a bit drastic when I can say that despite this, I have plenty of friends that I hang around all the time, I go out and do shit most of the time, I travel a lot, I'm at uni and I have a part time job. If you take away the problem with my face I have pretty much the perfect life, at least I think I do. However, behind closed doors I am someone who is deeply depressed, I think I've been depressed for about 7 - 8 years and only recently have I actually seen a doctor about it. My acne scars traumatize me, they make me feel deeply disturbed. They deprive me of happiness, they make me feel alienated from the rest of the world.

I'm a 22 year old male with all the opportunities in the world yet I spend most of my time being emo in my room. It's fucking pathetic. I hate myself, I am ashamed of how I look. Their is no joy in me whatsoever, even though I appreciate life for all it's beauty and I have so many interests and goals I want to achieve in life, the reality is I am someone deprived of all the motivation in the world. Sometimes I just sit in my room and do nothing, I just sit and stare. I stare at books I could be reading, I stare at my guitar that I could be practising, I stare at movies I could be watching. I can't even bring myself to chuck a dvd in and watch a movie sometimes. I just sit their contemplating about how much I hate how I look and how much happier I would be if I was a different person. I went to see a doctor about my depression, he gave me anti-depressants and sent me to a psychologist. I've seen the psychologist once and although he is kind and understanding I can't see how he is going to help me (I will give him a chance to of course).

I'm sad all the time. I cry a lot, usually when I'm in bed about to go to sleep. I will just lay their and cry. I feel like an idiot because compared to most people with problems, whether it be physical or mental, they probably have it much worse than me, but that kind of thinking doesn't work any more. It use to help when I would tell myself how lucky I am to have what I have, that doesn't work any more. It's at the point now where I can't even pretend to be happy. When my siblings come visit on the weekend I hardly ever speak. I put on a mask for my friends because I want to at least enjoy being with them, I don't garner happiness from many other places. I'm happiest when I dream of having a face that I am happy with, that I can get through life with and all my interests that I want to pursure. Even then I'm not asking for a lot, just something that doesn't cause me so much agony.

Of course, like many people who suffer similarly as I do with acne scars, I am aiming towards laser treatments, chemical peels, all the cosmetic treatments that are safe and are known to produce even the slightest of results. But that shit costs heaps of money, and that sought of money takes time, and time goes very slowly when you suffer. I suffer a lot, I feel uncomfortable all the time. Sometimes when I'm driving the car during the day and I see my reflection I get such an instant feeling of depression it's painful.

I'm trying, I really am. Avoiding this website probably helped me over the past few years to be completely honest, I think a lot of you would probably benefit from not surrounding yourself with all the information you might grab from here, or the stories you hear. But I'm really struggling atm and I don't know where else to turn to.