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I didn't mean to depress you - sorry. I just meant that you are not alone - and that it's okay to be tired of it sometimes. To be weary. Recovery is impossible without absolute honesty, even if that honesty is not cheerful. But it's also okay to keep going. We have to. What else is there to do? We find things to make ourselves as we go along.
Philosophical is good. Very good. I dig it.
Just an update with my BDD issues, since we are all sharing here and I haven't.
Currently I'm on Effexor, Abilify, and Prophanlol for depression, bdd and anxiety.
I've been off my Abilify for a week now, because I cannot afford it and sometimes I think things may be in my head, or maybe the medicine distorts my reality.
Since I've been off my meds, I have once again been OBSESSED with my face. I've been taking a lot of pictures, I've been staring in the mirror constantly, and holy fucking shit my face is crooked.
Before when I was on Abilify, my face didn't look as crooked. So, I'm thinking the medicine helped.
But now I feel like shit. I can't stop comparing myself to other people, I think i'm bloody fucking ugly most of the time, except I look decent in some photos/real life.
I feel like people are snickering at me and laughing at me.
I don' know if it's all in my head, but I need that fucking medicine cause I'm a MESS.
Especially when I'm having a bad break out, I notice my scars more and my face angles and it's depression all over again. I just want to look normal, I want to look like all the other pretty girls. I don't want people making fun of me.
But thats the fucked up thing about BDD, I;m so self absorbed and obsessed with looks, it's shallow, but when I feel like I look like a monster, i can;t help it =((. atleast i don;t have bdd by proxy.
I've been having a lot of people tell me about self-acceptance, and being strong, but I just dont have the energy.
I dont.
I would love to see a therapist but its so fucking expensive, i would LOVE to do CBT.
i can hardly afford medicine being a student.
Maybe my problem is i cant accept being ugly. Maybe I should accept all the holes in my crooked creepy looking face.I dont know, maybe I should just accept that I dont look perfect. or that my face isnt perfect. But its so hard, because I feel unloveable, unwanted, and down right undeserving.
Sorry for the rant, I've got a lot on my mind..
It's okay to rant. *hugs* We all need to do that - and often. When I got off Abilify (the side effects were too much), my paranoia and depression levels shot through the roof. You are not imagining that connection. I haven't yet found another antipsychotic that mimics the miracle that Abilify did for my brain without the side effects that ravaged my body. I'm so sorry you're struggling with the place it drops you into afterwards. It makes all other flaws loom.
BDD is a serious disorder and it destroys lives. I'm so glad you're here and able to talk to us about it.
I've been diagnosed with bdd, and I'm taking specialized therapy 2 days a week. Best thing I ever did for myself. I never had acne, but I was always so obsessed with my skin. After 6 weeks of therapy I'm already a lot more relaxed. So it's definitely something you could look into.
CBT is pretty straightforward, I've done it w/ my therapist. Basically (incase you don't know) you expose yourself to the things that make you uncomfortable and realize that all your fears are pretty irrational and not based on reality. You find that people react to you normally.
I use to wear some light make up to cover the blemish that I'm obssesed with on my face, but eventually grew tired of living a lie. I stopped cold turkey using it almost 2 years ago (Yes, I'm straight) and surprisingly people treat me the same. I just wish I could know if they actually don't notice my flaw or just don't mention it.
Sigh, only another 50 years and it'll ALL be over 
)
I've been suffering with BDD off and on for years now. It's difficult because my physical problems are indeed real. I do have acne and at times it has been severe and often physically painful to the point where I couldn't even talk or eat because moving my mouth hurt my cysts so badly. I think anyone would be upset at being in such a condition.
The problem is, there is a line that is crossed, at a certain point, where the obsession and misery over my skin takes me over and I begin to exhibit extremely unhealthy tendencies, such as being unable to hold down a job or even refusing to go out in public at all. Sometimes I will cancel plans with friends because there won't be mirrors around and I have this need to check on my skin in the mirror 5000 times per day (just to demonstrate, I checked my face just before writing this post and I'm already struggling not to go check it again just a few sentences in). There was a period of a few months once where I only left the house to go grocery shopping and even that was like at 2am so that I'd have very little chance of running into anyone. I get bad social phobia and it's directly related to how my skin is. Basically everything about my mental health and happiness is related to how my skin is. But I notice that once these issues start acting up for me, they tend to stay even if my skin starts getting better. For example, I only have a couple cysts at the moment and they aren't anywhere near as bad as they were a few months ago. Yet I look in the mirror and all I see is ugly, hideous, disgusting. Lumpy, scarred skin... a face that will never be pretty. And yet I still ache to be pretty.
The last time this got this bad for me was about 5-6 years ago when my acne was at its worst before I went gluten free. Back then I would stare in the mirror sobbing for hours and sometimes even puke I would get myself so disgusted and upset and have panic attacks from staring at my skin. I would self-harm sometimes too. I was really a mess back then and I ended up getting into EFT therapy for it and seeking help at some online support groups and that got me through that. I ended up in recovery for a lot of these things for many years, but I had also made some changes and started BP which cleared my skin to a point I found tolerable. So maybe I didn't even really heal the BDD, I just healed my flaw enough to where it wouldn't trigger me to flip out.
Now that I'm off BP, all my BDD issues are back again. 
I've realized in the past week alone that I've been avoiding dealing with them for some time. It really creeps in on you. I'm starting to get into a really bad place and even feeling suicidal at times so I think I need to start my therapy again.
As adhpn7 said, it is very, very, very difficult to "accept" being ugly. Adhpn7, you and I actually have so much in common because aside from my acne, my crooked face is another thing I obsess and have very low self esteem about. My skull was fractured in a car accident when I was a child and it left me with a jaw disorder that slowly wore away one side of my jaw joint and now my jaw hangs uneven. It would be easier to heal the anxiety issues and everything if I was truly imagining these flaws as some BDD people are...but in my case it's an obsession with a very real set of flaws. How do you deal with that? How do you accept ugliness? I'm sure other people would say I'm not ugly and that my skin condition and jaw are no big deal but they are still a real, painful thing that bothers me constantly.
I know that I can never physically heal my acne with this intense stress and worry and anxiety inside of me. I've spent the past year working incredibly hard with my diet and natural skin care routine, to the point of developing this obsession again. I am just so DESPERATE. I know that I need to turn the focus more on healing my self esteem and believe that I deserve healthy skin because I am beautiful NOW--even with the flaws. But it's hard. At some point, I learned to believe that I would only be worthy or capable of anything good in life if I was perfect looking. I know that's wrong, but it's an extremely difficult belief to break.
My heart goes out to everyone else who is struggling with BDD or any other body image or self esteem issue. I love you guys and I hope we can all learn to feel that we deserve love and happiness just as we are--and continue to heal our bodies from there.
Adhpn7, just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread.
I don`t know anyone who suffers from BDD or acne dysmporphia and it helps to know that I`m not the only person in the world who has these issues. However having said that, I am so sorry that some of you are suffering so much.
I know the journey to full acceptance and learning love yourself is a long one and it may take some of us a long time. However, I do think the fact that we have the courage to post our stories on here shows that we are at least aware of our demons and want to tackle them. For me this is a step in the right direction for all of us as it takes bravery to be so open.
On a lighter note, part of my problem is my obsession with diet and how it affects my skin (I started a thread relating to this http://www.acne.org/messageboard/index.php/topic/322891-diet/ ). At the counselling session that I had this week, I agreed with my counsellor that I would try to have one takeaway meal this week. With that in mind I have just scoffed a typical English meal of fish and chips. I bloody well enjoyed it but I just hope that I do not have a breakout in the next few days lol!
Adhpn7, just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread.
I don`t know anyone who suffers from BDD or acne dysmporphia and it helps to know that I`m not the only person in the world who has these issues. However having said that, I am so sorry that some of you are suffering so much.
I know the journey to full acceptance and learning love yourself is a long one and it may take some of us a long time. However, I do think the fact that we have the courage to post our stories on here shows that we are at least aware of our demons and want to tackle them. For me this is a step in the right direction for all of us as it takes bravery to be so open.
On a lighter note, part of my problem is my obsession with diet and how it affects my skin (I started a thread relating to this http://www.acne.org/...ic/322891-diet/ ). At the counselling session that I had this week, I agreed with my counsellor that I would try to have one takeaway meal this week. With that in mind I have just scoffed a typical English meal of fish and chips. I bloody well enjoyed it but I just hope that I do not have a breakout in the next few days lol!
I have the same obsession with diet but the problem is for me, I really do have a number of serious food allergies, some of which can be life threatening. I was sort of forced by my situation into becoming obsessed and fearful about food. It's such a difficult thing to manage.
Adhpn7, just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread.
I don`t know anyone who suffers from BDD or acne dysmporphia and it helps to know that I`m not the only person in the world who has these issues. However having said that, I am so sorry that some of you are suffering so much.
I know the journey to full acceptance and learning love yourself is a long one and it may take some of us a long time. However, I do think the fact that we have the courage to post our stories on here shows that we are at least aware of our demons and want to tackle them. For me this is a step in the right direction for all of us as it takes bravery to be so open.
On a lighter note, part of my problem is my obsession with diet and how it affects my skin (I started a thread relating to this http://www.acne.org/...ic/322891-diet/ ). At the counselling session that I had this week, I agreed with my counsellor that I would try to have one takeaway meal this week. With that in mind I have just scoffed a typical English meal of fish and chips. I bloody well enjoyed it but I just hope that I do not have a breakout in the next few days lol!
I have the same obsession with diet but the problem is for me, I really do have a number of serious food allergies, some of which can be life threatening. I was sort of forced by my situation into becoming obsessed and fearful about food. It's such a difficult thing to manage.
Dejaclairevoyant, at least you have valid reason to be obsessed about food. Although some foods and beverages possibly aggravate me, I have no proven food allergies. My obsession is purely and simply living in fear of breaking out and suffering from the acne that I used to suffer from and I will avoid certain foods at all costs.
The plus side I suppose is that along with a combination of exercise I am in quite good physical shape - although a little bit underweight at 5ft 6in and 9st 3pounds (129 pounds). It is a totally unhealthy attitude though - I refuse cakes and biscuits at work and will not go out socially for meals etc. Luckily my immediate family understand but it is more awkward at Christmas etc when I see more distant relatives. I will never live like a slob and stuff my face with junk food but I am currently working with my counsellor with a view to developing a more healthy relationship towards food and not centre everything I eat on avoiding acne. I know it sounds a bit pathetic but the fact that I ate fish and chips earlier tonight was a big thing for me.
I'm the same way with a lot of things. My proven and dangerous sensitivity is gluten. I know for a fact that stuff will make me very sick and I would fear for my life if I ever ate a lot of it because the last time I ingested a serious amount I was bedridden for a week and thought I might die. Then there is soy, which causes a similar reaction. I am quite sure about that one as well. Corn and dairy came next. Those don't seem to cause quite as severe in other ways but they definitely break me out, at least the last times I tried them.
But other than those things, it's been this big crazy guessing game and a lot of self experimentation. Plus just reading which foods damage the gut and which foods don't. But sometimes it's so frustrating to have given so much up and still be having problems. It drives me into a state of madness and not understanding what is causing my problems. I really do think it's in my gut, but I know stress and emotions play a role as well.
I think if you know something causes acne it makes sense to avoid it. If it causes acne, it probably is causing inflammation and damage in other areas of your body as well. However, we have to be careful not to let our anxiety transfer over into wondering if everything we are eating causes acne, even healthy stuff like lettuce, greens, broccoli, etc. You can easily begin to get an eating disorder that way. It's a terrible, stressful, prison of a life to live that way. I think we just have to be honest about the stuff we know breaks us out and try to figure out why, and not have any unneeded anxiety if we aren't sure. Elimination diets and self experimentation, while taking measures to control stress and anxiety, are a good way to sort all this out. I'm working on it!
I'm a 21 year old male and was diagnosed with BDD 2 years ago. Totally understand where your coming from and many of your statements ring true. For example, you say you don't want to be self obsessed with your image however viewing yourself as ugly makes It difficult not to be obsessed. It's pretty frustrating. People constantly tell me I'm good looking and get tons of looks and attention from girls. One thing I find interesting about BDD is the diagnosis says I see imagined imperfections or whatever but to me the imperfections seem very real so i don't even know what to do with it. Keep your head up. I know you won't believe me (because i dont when people compliment me) but you are so beautiful. One thing I do is tell myself that Its all in my head and just be confident.
Hey Everyone!=)
I'm doing a speech for my sociology class called The Dark side of the Looking Glass Theory: The Parallelisms between the theory and Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Basically it's about how our interactions with others (particularly negative) affect the way we see ourselves and is a social result of our issue.
I'd love if you could PM me a certain instance (verbal or non verbal) where you had a negative interaction with someone/people and it really affected the way you saw yourself.
Thank you =)