I haven't even finished writing this first line and I am already crying...

I can't believe I am back again, after all these years checking (and occasionally posting on) this forum, and hoping I would be done with my acne after my 3rd round of Accutane. Reading other people's thoughts on herehas been my biggest support on my "skin-hardest times", so I thought this time wouldn't be different. I am starting a 4th round of Accutane and I just wanted to write a post to keep a log for my future self and to see if there is someone else out there struggling with the same situation and who would understand how I'm feeling.

After finishing my 3rd round of Accutane (around May/June 2020), my skin was perfect for half a year. But, as in all other occasions, my acne has come back. Each time it comes milder and less noticeable, now it's just tiny tiny bumps, some pimple occasionally(usually around my period time) and rough texture. I guess I could live with it, it's not as bad as it used to be years ago by far, but I live in fear one day it will be. After having seen my skin so perfect 3 times, I now cannot live with the idea of not having perfect skin. I know this mentality is completely toxic, and that my skin shouldn't define how I feel, but the reality is that it does and that I am so tired of it. I am exhausted of all these years feeling insecure, I just want to forget about it and to not have to wake up everyday thinking about how my skin looks that day. I have tried absolutely everything, and I would say my skincare routine right now is pretty good, I am also very careful with what I eat and try to follow the healthiest habits - but that doesn't seem enough. It is true I am feeling very anxious in this period of my life, and that might contribute to my skin condition as well. But I don't know either how to fix my anxiety or my skin. So for now I will tackle my skin worries and start a 4th round of Accutane.

I have many pills left from my previous -those where prescribed- rounds of Accutane. I have collected all of them and I believe they are enough for a round of very low doses as I did last time. My skin reacts really well even with <10mg a day, so that's what I am going to be doing; 5mg/day. I don't want it to be too aggressive on my skin, just to help my skincare routine and regain the perfect skin I had one year ago, along with my confidence. Because of the very low dose, I don't expect that many side effects, apart from maybe dry lips. I will be using SPF 50 everyday (as I have been doing for the past year) so I hope that should be fine. My plan is to end the course as soon as the sun starts to hit too hard during summer and the risk of sun-burning becomes too high.

I am doing this without telling anyone, but I really felt the need toleave a record somewhere, so that's why I decided to post it here. I will try to post some more updates on how it goes, how I am feeling, what are my thoughts.

I just want to be free of acne forever, be confident and happy, stop worrying about my skin as I have been doing for more than a decade. My happiness shouldn't depend on my skin. I know I sound totally dramatic, and I really hope one day I will read this post and just laugh at how I could be feeling like this for such an unimportant issue.

I would love to read if anyone else has gone through something similar, or is feeling this way, or whatever their thoughts are. I will always be so grateful for this community <3