And here it is again, that devastating feeling all over again. Acne

Once again I am literally feeling like the worst piece of crap on the entire planet. Like wtfman? Why does it seem like Im the only guywho is suffering from this skin disease? I mean I know there are many people out there who undergo badacne as well, but what? Why does it seem like Im the only one going through this feeling like a piece of worthless junk? Almost everybody I see everyday, be it at the subway, on the bus, train, or even a regular public walkway, I find it almost impossible to spot anybody, anybody at all with ACNE. Not a single person I see everyday has visible acne at all. Everyone seems to be so full of confidence, energy, and motivation to get on with their beautiful days ahead of them, and me? Sitting at home not wanting to even step out the house just because I didnt want anybody to see how horrible I looked.

The pain is real, the struggle is real, more real than ever before. I just get so damnjealous and envious whenever I saw people who had flawless skin and didnt have to worry so much about it screwingup and turning into the worst looking human pizza in the world. Needless to say, all of my friends dont seem to be having any serious issues with acne at all. And you know whats the best part? When you find out how lmaotheir daily skincare routines wereand yet they hardly get any pimples. I have a friend who had acne at the age of 15 that lasted for probably 2 years. He is now super totally clear with 0 skin issues at all. And what does he do to maintain such a flawless complexion? Justscrub his face with the hair shampoo that he uses everyday, wow. And on top of that, he doesnt even bother applying any moisturizer at all after washing. Why? I asked him. because my skin is oily and if I moisturize, it is only going to get 2 times oiler than it should be. Bravo dude! Amazing routine you got there to maintain such a perfect looking complexion.

There was another time when I went swimming with a few of my college friends. After the swim, we all took a bath, and to my shock, none of them had any sort of facial cleanser to cleanse their faces when they were bathing. All they used were whatever they could find (shampoo, bar soap, or some whatever handwash). Same thing, after they had dried themselves, I didntnotice anyone of them applyingmoisturizer or any kind of skincream you can think of. Like wtf again? All they did was wash with whatever they could find and just dried off and thats it. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS SORCERY? And they seem to be living the acne-free happy life, a kind of life I can never experience, not any time soon form now seeing how bad myface looks at the moment. I was like that one retarded dude who carried a moisturizer in his backpack just in case he needed to go for a swim or a bath or whatever. And yet, I have to worst looking hell of a face.

To be honest, I dont feel myself to be an ugly person at all. I dont think I appear to be actually ugly at all, in fact, I dare say I am an above average male if I got rid of my dark circles. Not trying to sound so egoisticor self-obsessed or whatever but thats just how I feel about myself. But I feel like it is all because of acne, that I am the ugly person I am today. I totally feel that ACNE has made me an ugly person both externally and internally. Externally, yeah you got it, I appear to be one hell of a pizza face from another planet. Internally? I have become demotivated in literally everything in life, from studies, to social activities, to exercising, to doing what I loved I have also become somewhat antisocial as compared to what I was back when I didnt really have any acne at all. I feel that it is all because of acne, that I am treating so many people in my life like shit nowadays, that I am being a total jerk towards the people around me. When told to do certain simple things, I couldnt even be bothered and did them sloppily,and I am most certainly confident that this is due to how acne has affected me emotionally. Acne is responsiblefor the deterioration of the quality of my life. I have never been in such a constant state of moodiness, misery, depression, anxiousness, and stress. My life has always been with so much of joy and motivation until it reachedthis year, 2018. The year my acne peaked to its legit climax in my years of having acne. Never have I ever had acne that was this bad in any other years of my life. The kind of acne I had at any given time before the year 2018 were all not even anything serious at all. They were hardly even anyvisible acne unless you had nothing to do and you actually took the effort toobserve and examine my face. Life was such abliss before 2018, there were ups and there were downs and they were all totally worth going through. But the shittiness of acne that I have been facing the whole of 2018? Thats just totally something I cant accept. Something I wished could be totally banished from the surface of this planet, something that shouldnt have evenexisted in the first place because nobody in this world, deserves to live a life revolving ACNE.

You know what is it that really gets me on my nerves living with this skin disease? How people tend toreact to it and how theyperceive it and you for having it. People without a single speck of ACNE on their faces seem to think of us acne sufferers as people who dont wash their faces often enough. Like what?So now its got to reflect upon ourpersonal hygiene eh? People who have acne are people who dont keep themselves clean enough, is that what you people are trying to tell us? No? Im justparaphrasing thesentences that you have givenme regarding my skin disease. Face it, that is what youmeant. Sometimes I even get so pissed off with these kinds of sensitive sayings that I just feel like giving them the hardest slap. I even wished that I had the power to curse these people, making them live a life with FULL of ACNE on their faces, just so they could know how itfeels to be in the position of somebody who suffers from this messed up DISEASE. i know it sounds harsh but it's just the dark part of me..

How does it feellike to have a conversation with people for someone who has acne? Ho, I got to tell you, screwface to face conversations man, screwpresentations and speeches as well. Whatis it with peoples eyes moving about all over your face huh? From your cheeks to your chin to your forehead to your jawline. It seems like they are way more intrigued by your acne that your conversation. It is just so emotionally shattering, it just makes you feel like giving up talking to anybody anymore.

Some people may say that acne is just a superficial problem, that at least it doesnt pose any huge risks on your health. Yes, that is as true as it sounds, but did you know that acne can have such a hard impact on your emotions that it can take a toll on your overall health as a human being? This is exactly the case for me. I have been this unhealthy, drinking, not exercising, hates to go out kind of guy for practically the whole of 2018. I even get some sort of random anxiety kind of feelings sometimes, especially when my acne has flared up really bad and I feel so emotionally defeated. I get all sorts of thoughts during these periods of anxiety shocks. There are times when I even thought of rather being an animal than a human being, rather just die off than to continue living if I had to deal with acne all my life, even weird thoughts of having superpowers such as Wolverines where I could rip the shit out of my face and then have it grow back perfect and flawless.

And its not like I havent tried. Please, I have tried so many things to fix my acne, from googled remedies to certain products to medication such as Accutane. Nothing seems to work. Well, actually they do, only for the first few weeks into them. Every single remedy that I have tried only seems to work initially and then sooner or later things will start to go wildandout of hand. I will have one of the worst breakouts ever and in the end, I will just give up on that remedy.

And its also not like I havent tried controlling my emotions and not letting it spill out like an overflowed river. I have tried countless times, to accept myself for having whatever conditions and flaws (where the biggest one was still ACNE) but it is just so hard that I gave up completely. I forced myself numerous times, to try and get over with it, stop thinking so much about it BUT I JUST CANT. My life revolves around acne and I cant seem to get out of this orbit. 99% of the day, I think about acne and acne and acne all over again. The productivity of my brain is all lost and taken up by acne, acne, acne. And I am totally out of control of it. Its sort of like abusing my mind and its like some sort of drug where you just cant help but think of it. And by thinking of it, you only upset yourself more.

Im so done with acne and so done with my life because of it. I only wish to be broken free from this prison acne is keeping me in..