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HarleyZ

Depression hit me once again

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I have been feeling pretty alright about my face lately, until last night after I washed the makeup off of my face. My entire forehead, chin and sides of my cheeks were red, and covered with countless bumps. I looked so ugly. So. Ugly. I went to bed thinking that it would get better, but of course it did not. I woke up with a few more cysts on my chin. 
I did some research on accutane this morning, only to get more depressed. I am so scared of the side effects, and I've already been through so much in search for a cure. I was sent to the ER twice last year due to allergy to benzoyl peroxide. I did so many painful facials. I've been on birth control for almost 3 years, had it work for one year only. I'm on Chinese herbal medicine, birth control, a very strict diet, but I still get A LOT OF painful, cystic breakouts every week. My face looks disgusting. I feel so helpless.
Anyway, I thought I should not stay at home all day and sink. I should go out and enjoy this Saturday. Out I went to a movie theatre with a housemate. I met a lady at the mall, whom I did not know at all. She was the cashier of this food stand. After I paid for my food she said, you should do something to your face. You should use cucumber water on your face. 
I was so embarrassed and angry that I did not say a word. I just stood there and looked at her. I just wanted to fade into nothingness. I did not want to be seen at all. I was humiliated. 
And at that moment, I decided to go on accutane. I had enough. I've heard enough people telling me what I was doing wrong, what I should try, that I was not taking care of my body, that I was not washing my face properly. SCREW. YOU. I treat my body like a temple and see what I got? A face full of pimples that I can do nothing about. This is not even my fault, and YET I am held responsible for it. 

This is not fair. I have no idea why this would happen to me. When my housemates are enjoying nice food and each others' company, I'm staying in my room and type down my blood-drenched feelings - that's right, I don't even have the luxury to eat my feelings because that would only give me more breakouts, theoretically. I don't even know what the cause is. "I've been doing everything in my power to look normal. And now my last choice is this insane drug with no promise to cure." I cried in the phone to my mom just now. I felt powerless. Acne, you won. 

I've made up my mind to call a derm on Monday when the office is open. I'll ask for one course of accutane. I cannot live with acne knowing that there's a potential cure that could probably end my misery. I want to try it.
Hugs for you all you read to the end. I believe that you are here because you have, or had acne. Keep fighting through this life. 

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i was mostly clear/or with some pretty minor mild acne during my teen years. At my class there was one girl with pretty severe acne. I asked her twice why your face is bad and offered some tips. I didnt know how she feels until know.  I just wanted to help her. So when strangers says like your face is bad and offers some shit they just wanted to help you. So do not take it seriously and  try not to get hurt. Last summer i went to summer camp. My skin was pretty bad back there. And some kid shouted, Look mom! there's a zombie guy right there and points at me. I just stared ground and probably my skin got even more red. I wanted to dissappear into thin air.  But then that kid said mom  look at that guy he's got nice zombie t shirt there. Then i realized he called me zombie because of my of shirt not because of my skin :D Long story short if you have a only one option left(accutane) then go for it. 

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I think we all have got our share of comments and blame for our acne so we totally understand how you feel. However just cause some idiot cannot keep her mouth shut please don't think you have to go on Accutane. Mind you, you can if you want to, but it should be because you want to.

Everyone has their opinions on our acne. Sending hugs and love your way.

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