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About six months ago I did something really stupid. I picked a zit and it left a scar. Its been tormenting me, and I'm no longer who I used to be. I've dropped down to about 100 pounds, which is extremely underweight for my age and height. I haven't gone a complete week of school. My dreams are flooded with nightmares, I wake up shaking and my heart palpitating, and I get so upset sometimes, now, that I go to the bathroom and make myself throw up because I just... hate myself. I hate exerting I've done. I'm not anorexic... it's just my way of punishing myself for being mentally/emotionally upset. I'd rather feel bad physically. I've been to the emergency room, the doctors, and they don't even know because I'm afraid to say. My parents don't even know. And God forbid that my boyfriend finds out.

I am absolutely sure I have some form of Body Dysmorphic Disorder, as well as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I'm so scared to say anything, because all my life I told myself I'm not the crazy one in my family. And I belived it, and so did they, and everyone else. Although I saw these things about myself, particularly my face... skin..eyes... etc., that I felt were wrong I just let it ride on the notion that "hey, nobody's perfect, but one day I'll have money and I'll fix these things that are wrong with me because they're my fault... then I'll be happy." And then I got this scar. I did everything I could to keep it from scarring. I literally wasted my whole summer stressing over it. Its not even deep, or deforming but I FEEL like it is.

As for the OCD, I cling to relationships like they're all that matter. I believe it stems from watching my mother stick with the same guy for so long even when he beat her and choked her. Etc. I was a mommas girl, and I was always trying to be there for her and protect her. I was so young. She was never affectionate. I also believe my lack of self whatever the hell also has something to do with that negative influence. I've always let people push me... kick me around and walk all over me. And now I think I understand why. And in all these understanding I feel like maybe I can overcome them.

I became everything I hated. I obsessed over everything I hated about myself in those months. Everything I've ever done wrong, all the lies, and the bad I felt as though it was written all over me. Damn. I sound like a nutcase. And I know like hell I'm being irrational, and sick.

And I really dont know what to do. I miss who I was, no matter how fucked up or careless. Now I care too much, but I'm helpless. I cant go on like this, but I don't want to die. I've lost myself... and the one person keeping me from doing something really stupid is my boyfriend, and he doesn't even know it. Everythings the same as before when I'm with him.

I'm sorry guys, I've just hit a real low... again

Edited by ForeverAndPatience
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Don't worry, we all go through something similar. I just came back from my derm who told me that what I had "left" was acne, from perioral dermatitis. Ive had acne since I was. 14 I'm 22 now. I recently had perioral dermatitis for 3 months And my gp had me thinking I had facials warts for the last month. So I know how you feel. Those 3 months, especially the last one, where the hardest I've had. I felt so disfigured and disgusting people would avoid me on the street.

Just know that you are not alone and we are all here to help :) people don't realize how much acne effects us.

But we will get better and that's what gets me thru the day. :)

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Hi ForeverandPatient.

I can totally relate to you. I have obsessed over my acne, face, eyes and scars for years. I know what you are going through. Not 100%. But I do know what you're going through. I feel a LITTLE BIT of your pain.

Let me ask you a question. If you get help for OCD and Body Dysmorphic Disorder would that make you less of a person? Would it make you unworthy to be loved? Would it make you defective and no good? My answer to these question is A BIG NO!! Even though you have Body Dysmorphic Disorder and/or OCD you are still a person worthy of other's love and respect!!! Please, get help. There is help out there. And I bet the scar isn't even as bad as you think. Get help. You are worth so much.

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Strength comes from our own determination. Needing help does not make you weak. I understand how it feels to live up to that picture of yourself that others have built up - the strong one, the 'sane' one. Everybody has problems and everybody needs at least a little help every now and again. Sometimes srength is accepting that you're only human, with the same problems and concerns as everybody else. Embracing your weaknesses allows you to become strong because it lifts you out of the darkness of denial and in to the powerful position of knowledge and the tools to deal with your porblems.

Edited by Spotthedifference
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