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snsdgirl14

Has Anyone Else Come To Their Breaking Point Before?

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For the past two months I think I've had the WORST luck I've ever had with my skin. Over and over again I've inadvertently done things to make my skin worse: essentially burned my skin with hydroquinone, picked at a blackhead turning it into this big red scab, scrubbed the side of my nose too hard with a towel causing an abrasion, and I could go on. Nothing HORRENDOUS, of course, but each week it's seriously been a different thing on my face that's upsetting me. Two weeks ago it was the picked blackhead, which I posted about on here, and I got so upset over how my skin affects everything I do and feel, and I felt suicidal for the first time in my life. Like I seriously was contemplating taking a bunch of pills and just laying in my bed. Deep down I knew I didn't really want to do this because I called my mom frightened for my own wellbeing and safety. My brother came down that weekend to stay with me and it all helped a lot, and by that Monday, the picked blackhead had healed well, to my happiness. This past week I've been much happier and thanking God and PROMISING that was the last bad thing I do to my skin.

Well my luck couldn't be worse. I was skateboarding on Thursday night with my friends and ended up falling kind of badly off my board. It was my first 'real' fall and I ended up scraping my chin, palm, and elbow. My chin was bleeding a bit which immediately set off my anxieties. Now, for the past few days, I had a pretty big brown scab on my chin which, to the say the least, brought down my self esteem a bit. Now the big brown scab has mostly fallen off to show pink skin underneath except for the middle part of the scrape. If I get that too moist, the scab goes away, but the skin feels very sensitive; if I let it dry for about 10 minutes, a scab forms there. So now, I have like a 'new' scab on my chin, smaller and redder. And it still stings. Which I don't understand because the cuts on my elbow and palm stopped stinging a good while ago.

My mom is less forgiving this time because she doesn't know why I skateboard if the potential for falling is pretty high + I have so many anxieties about my skin. I guess I skateboard because it's enjoyable, fun, and my friends do it too. I just feel like an idiot. Like I was just trying to do something I find enjoyable, and OF COURSE I end up falling on my face and having something new on my face to deal with. Everytime something has been on my face, I've locked myself away in my room or avoided my friends and it's so hard because I don't do these things when my skin is good. Now I don't know how long this scab is going to last on my chin, and it's so delicate I have to basically jump through hula hoops to not accidentally scrape it off. Not to mention it STILL stings and hurts, four days after the original incident.

I feel like I've reached my breaking point and I'm so tired of being self conscious of things on my face. It's so depressing to me because I just feel like I'm so emotionally weak. I'm constantly calling my mom or brother for support when I'm crying, and I can tell they're getting exhausted from it. I'm such a wreck, and I can barely focus on my studies. I can barely focus on anything except how my skin is healing. Like I said, different things have been happening to my skin for weeks, so this process has been going on for weeks. I feel so stupid for skateboarding when there is such a high risk of falling and injuring my face. I feel so stupid for not being more careful. And I feel so weak. I see people dealing with far worse problems everyday and they still go to class, do well in their studies, talk to people, etc. And then there's me: essentially feeling debilitated and exhausted from yet another thing on my face.

Realistically the scab on my chin right now isn't awful looking, it mostly just looks like I might've picked at a pimple there or something, but it's just so annoying that it keeps getting scraped off. It's so delicate that just putting a band aid over it during my nap made it go away. And then once I expose it to the air it re-forms. And it KEEPS STINGING. I just can't help but constantly wonder when it's going to heal.

I just need coping mechanisms to deal with this. I feel that I suffer greatly from OCD and anxiety disorder, specifically cognitive distortions. Whenever one thing happens to my skin, it feels like the end of the world to me. Oddly enough, pimples don't bother me as much as long as they don't turn into big scabs or anything. But for the past few weeks I have caused injury upon injury to my face, scab after scab, and now this scab has been most frustrating of all. I don't even PICK at my skin either--it's all just been on accident. It's affecting my life so horribly right now. I don't even feel like the same person that I was a few months ago, yet alone a year ago. A year ago I was so happy and hopeful, so optimistic about starting college. Now I'm not working nearly hard enough in my classes, I'm avoiding my friends, I'm not my usual happy bubbly self. It's all so horribly exhausting. And I probably can't go in for therapy until 2 weeks from now. I feel so alone. and just like life has really got it out for me right now.

To only add to my loneliness I constantly feel as though I'll never find a good guy for me. My friends joke a lot that I'm the "prettiest" roommate in the apartment, that I get all the guys, etc. (maybe this is true, when my skin's looking good). But I have never in my life had a good relationship. Every 'relationship' I've had has been dysfunctional in so many ways. And last year I spent most of the year essentially in love with a narcissistic, emotionally abusive boy who I really think has contributed to my self esteem issues. I heard him make fun of my acne once last year and ever since then I always picture him laughing at me or judging me when something is on my skin. Even though we don't see each other anymore, I still constantly think of him and how self conscious he made me. It's like he broke me, and I'm beyond repair. And I hate that. I don't know when I will ever find a good guy. And besides, right now with this scab on my chin, who would even want me.

and the sad thing is my friends are really supportive whenever I do cry in front of them. Always telling me they love me, that I'm beautiful etc. But I just still feel so alone. I can't constantly run to them whenever I'm breaking down about my skin - which has seriously been half the time since school started. I just don't know how I will feel better, yet alone when this freaking scab on my chin will heal. :/

Sorry for posting so much lately, I'm just going through a lot. I haven't been getting pimples lately which is great but....yeah.

Edited by snsdgirl14

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past my breaking point? No, that would have been suicide, for real. Not some thing i want anyone to even think about or even say is there breaking point. I got help, although i didnt get help specifically for this problem i talked about other things that helped me deal with my situation. You get to a point of understanding that your not alone in the world and of course us acne suffers always feel alone and as out casts because we suclude ourselves and single us out because we are extremely critcal of ourselves. Doing this makes our world very small so we forget our surroundings. So it takes (for me) this realization that there is more out there (being vague i know) and im not alone in any sense. This made me realize eventually that the way i was living was not life and it also made me understand that "this shit" didnt matter nor need to control my life. And so i live as such, because i realize im not alone, i see others in my situation, i realize there is more to life that obsessing about appearance, ect ect.

Also, i changed the group of people i associate with. I thought i knew who were my "click/group" but after re-assessing i found that no, had it wrong. I wanted to be with people that really would do as your ex boyfriend did and I couldn't see it because i would deny it, and then later try to be like them instead of myself. In the end i was trying to be somebody im not. After that well i fell in with an extremely friend bunch of people here at college that care not about the color of your skin, who you are, or what you look like. All that matters is a good time, friendship, and being you, not someone else. Of course it takes college to finally figure this out but thats just life. People need time to mature as HS is just terrible these days.

In my rambling i can say no i havent reached my breaking point, but at this point i just really, really dont care nor try to obcess about it. Having the right people around you does change your way of thinking it helps too. and remembering your not alone therefore dont single your self out.

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It's okay, I often feel like I'm about to reach my breaking point too. Sometimes it seems like too much to take... my advice is to try keeping it in perspective. Despite how it may feel, you aren't cursed. LOADS of people have imperfect skin, we see them everywhere we go (or maybe just because of my own self-consciousness I notice it more). And many people have worse skin, yet they lead normal lives and don't lead on to have deep insecurities about it (even if they do).

You are right to seek support from your friends! Honestly, I wish I had the courage to do that. I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I don't want anyone to know how self-conscious I am. But they're your friends, they want to help you and make you feel as beautiful as you truly are. I know it gets lonely; I often feel isolated by my skin, too. That's the beauty of these forums. Hang in there... this isn't a permanent thing.

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