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Fearofpimple

I Punish Myself Through Skin Picking

I was almost a 100% clear and scar free or at least healing and I went nuts on my chin last night and picked and squeezed at two under the skin pores .It now looks horrible and I have messed up months worth of progress. I was stressed and feeling low because someone else was trying to bring me down and succeeded . I punish myself because of others and I keep myself on a rotating non stop cycle of feeling horrible about myself because of my skin then taking out those feelings on my face and increasing the problem. I guess what bothers me the most is I used to cut for self punishment as a teen and I thought I had finally worked through those problems but now I just realize the I replaced the cutting with skin picking and thats a tough plow to take. After the picking is said and done Im just so upset and angry at myself because I hurt myself because of another person and thats just it , nothing more came of it. Im the one who has to deal with what Ive done , not them. Its really my fault because I couldnt stop myself or be strong enough to not be affected . Anyway just ranting , thanks to anyone who replies , going to be now to try and block out the voice who hates me .

night

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I can totally relate to being trapped in that cycle. I figured out that I was doing it when I was anxious about something - maybe I had to go to a social event or something and I was feeling insecure about going, so I'd end up making my skin worse and using that as justification for not going. There may well have been times when I didn't want to go place because my skin happened to look bad, but to actually make it look bad so I could dictate when it happened is very wrong. Maybe it's about control - as stupid as it may sound, I sometimes feel there is a sense of control in being able to make it look worse if I choose to do so. It's probably not seen as the average form of self harm, but I suppose it is in a way.

What it comes down to is recognising that you're in that cycle and understanding what it is which keeps you there. Spot the triggers and avoid them. If it's not avoidable, you have to overcome it. My triggers do seem to keep back to a lack of confidence and an insecurity where social situations are concerned. For a very long time I avoided them. Then when I did try, I got scared and ended up doing what I mentioned above. I guess I've failed at that many times. I still do. I'm supposed to be going to a birthday party tonight and I can't really get out of this one so I'm just going to have to battle my way through the anxiety and push myself out the door. Until then, I know I have to stay away from mirrors because I know there are a few areas of my face I could make a total mess of.

Try not to be angry or upset at yourself. You'll only internalise it and it just eat away at you. Instead, let it go because it's of no real use. Whatever damage you may have done to your skin will heal, just like it was before. You've seen what it can be like if you leave it alone and let it start to clear so you know what your goal is and you know how to get there. Maybe it didn't quite work this time, but it's alright. Just pick yourself up, learn from it, and try again.

:)

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