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babthe

Dating and Acne hell...

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So..what to do? I've been struggling with acne since I was 10...I'm 26 now. Over the years it has completely destroyed my self-esteem. It's destroyed my life... there are days I don't want to get out of bed because I know that everyone I talk to is going to see my acne...they are going to see my scars...my dry skin...and they are going to think I'm ugly. I often think that if I didn't have acne I'd be a really pretty girl. However, I'm getting better and becoming more confident. I take care of myself and think I'm a good person. I have a lot of positive aspects and I deserve to be happy. have terrible anxiety when it comes to my skin. Like most people that are reading this...it's a daily and ugly battle.

Anyway...I have a date...a BLIND date Friday... He's seen pictures of me but of course I don't display my acne in pictures. I'm really close to canceling it. But we've talking for about a week and I really do want to meet him. I'm scared he'll take one look at my bumpy, scarred, red skin and think I'm gross. I know what you're thinking...."if he sees you as gross, then he's an asshole and you wouldn't want to date him anyway". That's true...but he'll still see my skin and I'll be self conscious about it all evening.

This isn't just a "blind date" thing...any time I go on a date my acne is overwhelming my thoughts. "he probably thinks I'm gross"..."why does he even want to go out with me?" "I'm sure he'd rather date a girl that doesn't have acne." "I bet is friends will notice my acne." blah blah..I could go on..and on... I need to get over it but I just can't. :(

What do guys really think about acne? Any other single people suffering from acne want to give some advice?

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I know exactly how you feel. Before my acne got worse guys would always compliment me call me beautiful, but I feel like no matter how pretty I am the acne ruins it. About a year ago I would avoid any situation, but I've learned to just say screw it. I met a very successful guy while my skin was horrible and although it didnt work out I put myself out there and he liked me. I recently went on a weekend trip to a cabin with guys which was like my worst fear because of my skin. One of the guys saw me with practically no makeup and he still ended up liking me. I'm telling you this because neither of these situations worked out because i was so insecure about my skin. Although they may have noticed it, It was me ultimately putting my walls up that made it not work out. Because they obviously liked me until i started being standoffish.

My point is don't let your insecurity stop you. We all have flaws. Whenever I was confident guys really didn't seem to care or maybe even notice my skin. I know people say it all the time but its true. If you don't do it you might regret it. If he really doesn't like you because of your skin, yes it might hurt a little, but he's not the right guy. The difference is if you never put yourself out there you will never know. I know that feeling and it sucks, but you might miss out on a great guy if you don't

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SORRY IF IT´S TOO LONG BUT I HOPE YOU READ IT!

oh girl i feel your pain i´m exactly like you, that´s why sometimes i just wear makeup to hide the most horrible pimples on my cheek. this happens because sadly we are living in a world full of crap that the only thing that matters to some people is a pretty face. another thing is that being a girl is hard because we worry alot about our appearance and sometimes we look at those model in magazines with flawless skin and we need to know that not all of them have flawless skin they are photoshop!.

anyways, i´ve been dating tons of guys i don´t know why but alot of boys are in love with me :cool: , i guess is not because the way i look is because of my personality. we can´t let acne control our life. i´ve seen alot of girls who are very pretty but their skin is just... :confused: bad! and i have two friends one has flawless skin and the other one has acne like me and i´ll tell you something the one with acne always gets the attention from guys, i think she is even prettier than the one with flawless skin because i just think that acne looks bad and it´s ugly but it doesn´t change how person is.

i´ll give you an example. if you are tall, blonde with blue eyes, a perfect small nose, full lips but you have acne you are still going to be cute because acne doesn´t change your face i mean just because you have acne doesn´t mean that the acne is going to change your nose, your eyes, your hair etc you will still look pretty you will always look the same. do you know what i´m actually trying to say? i mean i´m not saying that acne is attractive because seriously is not. but if you are a cute girl which i know you are :D than that´s not going to change. i know that having a flawless skin helps you 100% but...nobody is perfect and even models have acne i just say this because i have alot of friends with acne whom they say that they wish to be like the models from magazines but what they don´t realize is that, that is skin is just not real they are either photoshop and with tons of makeup let´s be realistic.

if a guy doesn´t like you because of your acne (sorry for my bad words) but he can go and fuck a dog :eh: jaja sorry! but it´s the truth if a guy is going to judge you because of your acne than he is not worth a penny in fact he is not worth nothing!!!!! and always remember cutie YOU ARE WHAT YOU THINK.

sometimes when i use a little bit of makeup just to cover a few pimples, i feel more confident about myself and when i´m confident everybody can see that, your inside feeling reflects on the outside. if you feel ugly than everybody is going to think you are ugly. there are alot of mean girls out there that would try to put you down for anything you just need to be strong!. and proud of yourself and just thank god that you have acne instead of a disfiguration, or anything worse than that.

acne does have a solution but we first we need to learn to love ourselves and you should take my advice cause i´m in the same shoes as you and i would never EVER! let anybody put me down because of my skin. be proud of yourself and if you have to wear makeup than do it! do anything that makes you feel good about yourself. ;)

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I say go for it. Don't stay home feeling sorry for yourself. Don't let the acne win, let your personality overcome this - stay positive. Think positive thoughts and positive things will result. Leave those negative thoughts in the trash. I think we get so consumed about what other people think that we miss out on living life, being happy. So yeah we have acne and our faces our scarred. So we're not perfect, but who is. Go on your date and be happy.

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Thank you Lynnh...I woke up to your reply this morning...and after class I went to the mall and bought myself a new outfit for the date. :) THAT for sure made me feel better.

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You ladies are all very right :) I was in a seriously down mood last night when I wrote that post... But I'm going to look the best I can tomorrow night and well...he might not be worth all this worry anyway. ;) Hope to have fun...I'll give a little update when it's over. BTW..this is my first "real date" since August...pretty lame huh?

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Go for it!

Put yourself out there. Although my acne is pretty controlled and I have pretty clear skin now I have no problem what-so-ever to go out with a women who has acne. Just don't put yourself down, show confidence, I bet you are beautiful regardless of your acne. And if you he doesn't like you just because you have acne he is an asshole and he is shallow, not the best guys to go out with btw.

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Hope it went well, babthe?!

Know how this feels: I've got a date with a girl on Monday and, right now, all I can think is, 'I hope my skin looks OK!'

We've met before and my skin wasn't looking too bad at that point, I was happy enough to be there and had a nice time. so much so, I forgot about my skin. That in itself is strange because otherwise it's on my mind pretty much every minute I'm awake: wondering what people think; wondering how I look to others; wondering if they think I'm ugly; wondering if I'll see any more spots the next time I look in the dredded mirror... and so on.

I'm not totally sure how intersted this girl is because she told me she's not long since split with her ex who cheated on her, and she was thinking that perhaps she could just do with a bit of time by herself, but she initiated both dates and hasn't cancelled this one, so I guess that's something to build on.

For the last week or so as I head towards Monday, I've been reading about this kind of situation on line in order to try and put my mind at ease. I read countless things online about how girls supposedly view guys and what's important to them and how much importance women may or may not place on looks in comparison to personality, etc. Generally, I've read that the genuine girls who are looking for a partner will indeed go for nice guys who are funny, friendly and can be a good partner, and that those things will outweight any physical imperfections.

I can only truly speak from my own perspective, but I'd like to think it's the same for guys: if a girl is fun to be with and they're a nice person, that's most important. If we're talking about things like love in the long term, those things are vital and a partner wouldn't even notice the physical imperfections.

My previous dating experiences have been few and far between. I've never had a girlfirend and, at 25, you can count the number of dates I've been on up until this point on one hand. Having suffered with acne since the age of 12, I never got to the point as a teenager where the boys would just hang out with girls and develop attractions. I missed out on all those experiences and generally feel way out of my depth, like I've missed out on about 12 years worth of life experiences, lessons and relationships.

For those most part, aside from just a couple of girls who turned out to be horrible people anyway, I'm the only one who has ever given me a hard time about my acne and made into a big issue, convincing myself that literally nobody will ever want anything to do with me in any way, shape or form while I have acne.

I bet there are countless people here who have felt or feel that way right now.

Deep down, we know that we are good people with lots of frienship, love and happiness to share. All you can really do is take that risk and go in search of people to share it with. If we get knocked back, we have to pick ourselves back up and move forward.

So, I hope you went for it in the end, and I hope you had fun!

I intend to - no regrets!

=)

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I'd go out with a girl if she had acne.

Obviously to most people it has an impact on one's first impression they get of you but once you get to talking it matters less and less.

Only people who have no depth to their shallowness would completely shun you for having some acne.

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I came here to support babthe. It's not easy to get over it because... well, it's so obvious! When I have a flare up I have trouble looking at people in the face, but when it's not too bad I can feel on top of the world. It's a daily battle... and maybe we'll never win. But if we can conquer our own fears then that's all we need to do. Good luck to you!

Anyway, I also read PaulH85's post. You spoke right to me. That parts where you never got to hang around with girls as a teenager and now feel completely out of your depth. I'm 28 and I'm right there with you. I'm only just getting to the point where I'm going on some dates, but they're through datings sites. I still wouldn't have the balls to ask a woman out.

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I've always had acne - cystic acne - but guys always asked me out. When I was younger I had to remind myself over and over of that because I'd look in the mirror and really freak out before dates. I'd see only the red cysts. I wouldn't see my beautiful hair or eyes, etc...just the acne.

I still struggle with seeing myself in a whole way. I have to work on it. I stand an arm's length away from the mirror and close my eyes. Then I imagine myself as perfect in every way as I am. Then I slowly open my eyes and am amazed by what I see. This is how others really see me! They see the whole person not just the imperfections. My tall dark and handsome husband (yes even a really great looking guy fell in love and married me!) says he doesn't see the acne. What a love...that's the kind of man you want!

And of course, make-up gives me self-confidence too, especially mineral make-up. Love how it covers the red.

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Oh, and for you guys who are just now getting the nerve to ask girls out...I hope you'll just go for it. Us women need you to ask us out...especially those of us who are less confident. There are many wonderful but very shy women out there just waiting for the attentions of a good man. My husband has acne scars but he's gorgeous and such a wonderful man overall! And he struggled like you are. He's told me that he wishes now he'd had more confidence asking women out when he was younger (...I can't believe he didn't - he looks just like George Clooney). Actually I'm selfishly glad he didn't because we might not have met --- he would've been snatched up. I wish men realized that women don't look at things like skin. We want a man who's gentle, kind, honest and dependable. We need a man like this!

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Anyway, I also read PaulH85's post. You spoke right to me. That parts where you never got to hang around with girls as a teenager and now feel completely out of your depth. I'm 28 and I'm right there with you. I'm only just getting to the point where I'm going on some dates, but they're through datings sites. I still wouldn't have the balls to ask a woman out.

It's nice to hear that people can relate - shame that you're in the same position though because it sucks.

I had a date arranged on Monday with a girl I met online but she had to cancel due to a family emergency. Pity, because I was looking forward to it and my skin was looking good too which would have been a huge bonus. We met once before and my skin was looking good then as well, so I feel like when we meet up in future it has to at least look as good as that.

I'm sure it will happen - she seems to like me and I felt so incredibly good being around her. I relaxed and forgot about my skin. Never felt that before and it was so good!

I don't mind the fact that I'm trying to solve this by online dating instead of trying to attract girls in bars or whatever. After all, even if I might not be the best looking guy out there, I'd still deserve to find someone I like and who I can share things with, and I don't suppose I'd randomly find that person on a night out.

I'm always wary of the pictures I post online: on one hand, I wouldn't have a picture taken if I was in the middle of a horrible breakout; on the other hand, I would want a picture that looks like me and is representative of what I usually look like. Admittedly, my avatar picture was taken on a great day and the lighting in the room at the time did me a huge favour.

I remember the first ever date I went on about seven years ago, with a girl who was a friend of a friend. She'd seen a picture of me but that was all. Same for me of her. I thought she was cute and I got so nervous before meeting that I actually threw up and was really late. At that point in time, I was in the middle of the worst breakout I have ever had. My face was covered in the most horribly red and sore painful acne. A few days earlier, someone actually asked me if I had been beaten up, such was the state of my skin.

As is my way - putting people first and thinking of their feelings - I didn't want to cause upset by cancelling the date or not showing up. When I finally did arrive, I could see that she was almost physically repulsed by what she saw and she didn't spare my feelings. The entire date was sheer hell, but again, I was as nice and as polite as I could be, even though she saw fit to insult me and make fun of my appearance. Looking back, she was clearly not a nice person, but I never called her out about it and pretty much just let her put me down without saying anything back because I didn't want to appear rude. Thinking back, I was pretty pathetic.

That was perhaps one of the worst days of my life and I didn't go on a date after that until last year. During most of that time, I guess I just felt that whoever I approached would be repulsed by what they saw. That's a horrible word to use - repulsed - but that was how that girl appeared, that was her response to my appearance, and that was ultimately how I felt about myself.

Pleased to say that, older and wiser, I know that the majority aren't like that. But the memories stay and the fears remain. But I guess the online thing gives people a chance to see what I'm like generally and if I can attract them to me with a sense of my personality based on the words I write, I feel like that's half the battle won.

Ironically, the girl I saw last month said, "I can't believe you actually came, I never thought you'd want to go on a day with me!"

So you know, maybe she's not especially confident either, or maybe she thinks I'm a catch. We'll see.

It all gets me thinking about relationships and stuff, and how people behave in them, because I don't know what it's like. I don't know how to be a partner to someone because I've been alone or done things by myself since I started suffering with acne, thanks at the time to being bullied at school because of it. I guess I just never picked myself up from that and as you grow up, it does seem naturally harder to meet new people and make new friends.

I've heard the expression that you have to learn to love yourself before other people can love you, and that seems to make sense. Like, if I were to feel bad about myself all the time and put myself down, and project that onto potential partners, that lack of confidence would be unappealing and the negativity would surely be a turn-off because I'd seem very self-involved.

I guess it's a bit of a minefield really, but I feel I can take small steps. Psychologically, now that I've really started to analyse who I am, how I got like that, how I'd like to be instead, and what the differences are, I realise how much damage acne can do.

As superficial as it may sound, I do feel that if I could do something to clear my skin, I'd become a totally different person. Perhaps the biggest steps need to be taken in that area, maybe change my medication or see about Accutane or something. I don't know, but it needs sorting otherwise I'll never live my life to the full and it would be such a waste.

Makes me wonder how many nice, attractive, friendly, clever and wonderful people there are out there who are desperately wanting to blossom; to go out and explore the big wide world, but instead are proverbially imprisoned in a cage because of this condition.

Edited by PaulH85

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babthe... I can totally relate. I've been on a few dates this year and just need to vent a little. Of course there's the old "be confident no matter what and we've all got different kinds of insecurities" but acne definitely brings out some brutal black and white superficial judgement in people.

this crap can reeeealIy fk with your head... I too feel fairly attractive and have been told I'm "hot" until they get up close and I do turn heads in bars, then they get close and all the googly eyed positive attraction signals freeze up and they turn ice cold if not straight up mean. This kind of consistent hot cold thing is really demoralizing. I'd almost rather have no attractive mojo working for me at all so my hopes don't get constantly raised and then crushed.

I had a recent couple month long relationship with a girl I grew to really like (love?). She had bad vision. One morning, I awoke in her bed in the sunlight sufferring from my worst breakout of the year and she began to explain... "I'm not looking for an emotional attachment with you, you see I have really bad eyesight and I didn't realize that you.... " Pause. She reconsiders twisting the knife and just cuts it off there and breaks it off with me.

Since then, I've been on a few promising dates... non-shallow set ups based on unique shared interests and personality traits... things go well, and they always laugh a lot, but I can almost see the moment where coldness washes over them looking at me and they almost can't look me in the eye any more.

I got here by googling "acne dating" hoping to find some type of dating solution for people suffering from this humilliating sh*t. I'm distraught. I feel like a pinata. I feel like I have so many of the character traits girls *say* they are looking for: sweet, honest, nice, smart, funny and I'm fairly handsome but I feel like I'm being repeatedly rejected on account of my acne scars and lifelong moderate acne.

It would be nice to meet folks who can sympathize. I don't have any advice, but I guess I just feel your pain.

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hi,

ive just joined this site now and its also my first post, but i had to reply...

im sitting here in tears cause i know exactly how you feel... i could have written that myself.

im a 30 year old single mother with a 3 year old son and I have had servere acne for half my life... it all started when i was about 15, and has unfortunately gotten worse since ive had my son.

ive always been too scared to get help, because ive even been to embarrassed to show the Dr my acne :(

ive only just gone to the Dr's yesterday for the first time about it and he has given me a referral to make an appointment with a dermatologist which is in 2 weeks time... no idea what to expect??

anyway..

throughout every relationship ive been in, ive always hidden my body as much as possible... yes, i have it bad on my face with lots of pitted scarring, but its much worse on my back, chest and arms.

ive never let any of my partners shower with me, and ive always gotten dressed when they arent around incase they have seen me naked :(

sex has always been in the dark too, i wont allow a light or, or i will make up an excuse not to have sex.

it has destroyed every one of my relationships because of this.... :(

i love winter because i can cover up everything with clothes and no one can tell, but when summer comes around i find myself locked inside my home because its far too hot to wear long sleeves and dont want anyone to see my skin.

i even moved to a colder state in my country (im in australia) so i can wear more clothes most of the year :(

im serverely depressed and anxious and have been on meds for years, i blame my acne for it all.

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^^damn that sounds horrible. change your life woman, start eating completely healthy diet, don't take the drugs the doctors will give you, heal your own body. Exercise, diet, happiness! stress is a huge reason for acne and other health problems. And maybe you need to find a man to help you find yourself again. There are a lot of guys who wouldn't care about your acne and can help you a lot with being happier/relieving stress.

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I can relate to this discussion even though I dont see alot of recent comments. I went to an oline dating site and got a whole bunch of comments and interested guys based on my photo. Of course since my skin is dark, the acne doesnt show up in pictures. The attention is incredible. I was even told I resemble Janet Jackson. Now in my defense, I even sent a close up bathroom photo but even that didnt show the whole ugly truth. Well once the in person meeting takes place, the attention abruptly stops. It happened twice and one guy Is been talking to via online for YEARS. It happened to me again a couple of weeks ago. We had been talking on the phone for a couple of months...

I even overheard a guy make reference to me how I looked "from far away.." Isnt that horrible ? Im very depressed and even googled how to commit suicide. I have been in love with a guy Ive known for years, I know if I was pretty we would be together and its klling me. Im tired of being treated differently because of my acne. I dont care what anyone says...its not as simple as acting confident. I can act confident with the best of them. Laugh. Smile that is until I notice the look...the stare...For instance, I was standing in the subway station with my little girls, we were laughing having a great time. That is until I made eye contact with a teenage girl who looked at me and said "Ewwww !!!" to her friend. I immediately moved away from her. Im very affectionate. I hate the fact that people dont want me to kiss them. They will kiss everyone else, and give me a hug or they immediately scratch or rub their face when they look at me. So all of the confidence in the world will not take away the fact that people react negatively to my skin. This is not living. Its being trapped inside of a body of hell. My personality belongs on a pretty girl. Im very friendly, smiley outgoing. But lately Ive been shy. Hate being in public. People assume Im dirty because of my skin when the truth is I shower excessively. They act as if they would not want to touch or eat anything I prepare. Im a part of my daughters PTA, and I feel as if Im watched very closely to make sure Im wearing gloves if we serve food. I dont like being treated like a leper...

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i am a man and would not mind dating someone with acne. In fact, my last girfrliend had a lot. I suffer from acne too, so I know how hard it is and would not judge anyone because of their skin texture. But have to admit that I have sometimes cancelled dates because of my own pimples and feeling less confident. Why do we get those past our 20s?? :-)

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Meh, don't worry about what other people think or if they will find you attractive. As long as you can face yourself you can face the world. And as always if you want to look prettier just wear make-up and learn the tricks and trades of magically making acne disappear.

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My confidence is shot to pieces. I can't even imagine going on a date.

I wouldn't even know where to start. Hopefully one day it'll happen for me

And I'll be able to make up for all of this lost time.

I'm very ashamed about my lack of success with women

It's a major embarrassment.

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I find it rather worrying that the OP hasn't returned to this thread. I hope everything's okay. but I feel inclined to put in my (likely unpopular) two cents.

It wasn't right that she gave pictures without acne if she has acne. That is deception, and part of the reason why I despise makeup.

Telling someone to expect one thing when reality is completely different, isn't going to garner anything but negative response. (And rightfully so)

If you deceive someone, especially on a blind date, you're just setting yourself and your date up for disappointment.

Be honest from the get go and you'll be much more likely to find someone that dosen't care about your acne and can accept you for who you are.

Edited by tritonxiv

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^ I agree with triton.

Not to put anyone down here, but from a guy's perspective the whole "makeup deception" thing is pretty well known. That is, when someone photoshops all the acne out of their personal pics, then when you see them in person they look completely different.

Now I'm not saying to show a full HD closeup shot with all your blemishes exposed, but don't present flawless pics if you can't back it up in person. If you do need to show flawless pics then a simple disclaimer like "my skin is clear in this pic but I've been having trouble recently" is less shocking than just showing up with acne.

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^ I agree with triton.

Not to put anyone down here, but from a guy's perspective the whole "makeup deception" thing is pretty well known. That is, when someone photoshops all the acne out of their personal pics, then when you see them in person they look completely different.

Now I'm not saying to show a full HD closeup shot with all your blemishes exposed, but don't present flawless pics if you can't back it up in person. If you do need to show flawless pics then a simple disclaimer like "my skin is clear in this pic but I've been having trouble recently" is less shocking than just showing up with acne.

I don't think anyone intends on "deceiving." No one wants their imperfections laid out on the internet or someone's phone for everyone to see. Most pictures don't even pick up acne if you're wearing makeup unless you're pretty darn close to the camera or like you said it's HD. Girls wear makeup because it makes them feel better, prettier, more confident, blah blah blah. And whatever makes anyone feel better without harming someone else is fine by me.

It's also rude and shallow to say that they're setting their date up for disappointment Triton. Maybe not everyone on this godforsaken Earth is so judgmental.

My point is who the hell cares? Acne is acne. Not leprosy.

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I don't think anyone intends on "deceiving."

He's seen pictures of me but of course I don't display my acne in pictures.

She's consciously aware that she has acne but purposefully hid it from him. That's deception.

Girls wear makeup because it makes them feel better, prettier, more confident, blah blah blah. And whatever makes anyone feel better without harming someone else is fine by me.

Deception is harming someone. And makeup does not make girls look prettier close up. It looks very obvious and unnatural.

It's also rude and shallow to say that they're setting their date up for disappointment Triton. Maybe not everyone on this godforsaken Earth is so judgmental.

My point is who the hell cares? Acne is acne. Not leprosy.

Coming from a guy, I care. I don't give two sh*ts what a girl looks like, I've been with all kinds. But the second I realize a woman is purposely hiding a large portion of herself, her character is already in question. I highly respect girls who have the confidence not to cover their flaws or at least be honest about them, regardless of how bad their skin is.

You can label it shallow or whatever else, but the fact remains if you can't deliver the goods, then don't advertise them.

I don't go around with a photo shopped picture of my head on Arnold Schwarzenegger's body. It would make me feel more confident and more handsome, but it's not me.

In the end, you're only hurting yourself by not being truthful about your appearance. If he's shallow, you can avoid him before the awkward in-person date. If he's not shallow and accepts your flaws, then you won't have to stress like the original poster was obviously doing. My two cents.

Edited by tritonxiv

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