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Day 1

Hi there, I am known as Jonima on the org, and my skin controls my life. Granted, I still am active and don't restrain myself to a hermit lifestyle. However, my skin torments my mind, and I always feel so ugly. Yes, this is basically my cathartic page for you to read, and for me to get stuff off my chest so that maybe someone can bounce back with their life stories. This is the only place I do this; seldom do I ever speak of my skin with my close friends.

This is me: Post-Accutane (2x) and my skin is ravaged with the consequential scars in addition to my insignificant breakouts relative to me Pre-Accutane. So I break out minimally, Thank God! But I stare at myself everyday in the mirror-- specifically my fucking scars (pardon my language). I have never posted pics here ever in the 1 1/2 years that I have been perusing this site, but I am starting to consider it. I am considering it because I have realized that pictures are more opening, revealing, and convincing than these petty words that I write.

I know that I do not have the worst skin in the world, yet it still torments my mind. I do not compare my skin to other peoples' skin worse off than me, only to people whom have flawless skin. Why is this? I guess I use their unadulterated faces as a touchstone for my hapless, disfigured face. But more importantly, I compare my current skin to my smooth, un-oily, pre-teen years. Ah, what used to be...

Oh well, life goes on, but my skin stays the same?! I have this false hope-filled mentality that life goes on, and it does! But can't my skin move on? I still live my life, but my facial aspect of my life still hinders me somehow. I feel that I would be so much farther in life somehow if my skin was a little better off. And there I go again with my what used to be attitude.

Time for bed now, the best part of the day. Yet as a student, it is hard to find this escape from reality amidst my seemingly difficult days. This leads me to think about writing about postive aspects about life in the future as well. After all, I always try to be a happy person. Happiness is my facade to mask my unobserved, bottled pain (wow, that sounded emo, but I don't like labels, it was purely expression. Wow, that sounded artsy fartsy/indie haha).

Goodnight World,

Jonima

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Guest Chrisâ„¢

I hear ya man, I could've written that myself (even the part about 2 courses of accutane and now subsequent scars, though mine are severe). Hmm, let me just ask my magic 8-ball something before I continue.

Interesting, it seems that all odds point to yes that we both decended from the same irish dillhole with bad teenage acnified and scar proned skin. Owell. :doh:

Happy trails in the dreamscape.

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I hear ya man, I could've written that myself (even the part about 2 courses of accutane and now subsequent scars, though mine are severe). Hmm, let me just ask my magic 8-ball something before I continue.

Interesting, it seems that all odds point to yes that we both decended from the same irish dillhole with bad teenage acnified and scar proned skin. Owell. :doh:

Happy trails in the dreamscape.

Yup, my Irish father passed all of this acne to me. I do believe the reason for my acne-- other than hormones-- is genetics.

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Guest Chrisâ„¢

I actually meant decendents as in ancestors, but ya know what I mean. :P Wow, you're actually irish too? Maybe my magic 8-ball really does have a soul after all lol. I'm pretty sure my acne came from genetics as well (not my parents though, neither had acne, my cousin had cystic acne as well).

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Day 2

Ok, so today I am a little happier. And I'm not just saying that to preface what I promised yesterday. Unfortunately, the main reason that I am happy is because of this reasoning: I woke up in the morning (feeling like P. Diddy of course) and looked in the mirror; I saw that my skin APPEARED to be clearer and smoother; and it looked this way in all of the mirrors that I frequent throughout the day (my bathroom, my living room, my side view mirror, the reflection off of the car window, the bathroom in the school, the gym bathroom). I don't know why it looks like it's better, but it does.

Also I just got a haircut. I feel better when I look good. Why is this so? I am a teenager, and no matter how mature I think I am, I cannot escape or expedite my hormonal processes and aging and maturing processes. So maybe I need to come to the realization that, in the long run, my skin will reflect this expected maturity.

On to happy thoughts. Bob Ross really inspires me in the area, if you do not know whom Bob Ross is, look up "The Joy of Painting" on video and you will enjoy life a little more.

Just thought of this; should this be a blog? Nah, I probably will not do this every day. I will write when I have thoughts on my mind.

Ok, so Spring Break '10 is within one month away. I really cannot wait! I love it, as does everybody else who goes on Spring Break. Last year I went to Florida's Panhandle. This year I'm heading down to central Florida with my family. No friends, hopefully I will meet somebody in the area. I want to relive last year. Lovely weather, sunny days filled with emptiness and nonchalant relaxation. Oh man, not to mention that I got a beautiful tan. I would head down to the beach on the park where we stayed, so it was pretty empty most of the time. I would lean a palm tree, pack my bowl, and feel good. Then I would just relax on the Emerald Coast!

So there were no kids at this park, and no girls in sight. After about 4 days on break, I walk by this girl when I was feeling really good man. I said hi, she said hi shyly back as she smiled. I walked past her and then instantly thought, Shoot, this is my only chance to meet a girl. After she was a good fifty feet behind me, I asked her a question in hindsight that was stupid but courageous. I yelled to her, what's your name? She says her name, which I still remember. I yell my name. So then we both go on our ways... or do we? So I run all the way to her in my flip flops and start to hit on her, only because I was feeling good. I think I'm so cool and slick, and she was giggling the whole time. She was totally oblivious that I was high (which you should not do!) Boy was she cute! So cute. Well here's where it turns comical and kind of anti-climactic. We talk for about ten minutes and then I try to give her my number, but I can't giver her mine because my phone was broken and I was too high to think of my number. She asked me, what's your number? I started, 5... haha I was to stoopid son. So basically I waited the remainder of the break waiting for her text. It never came, and neither did I. What a shame. But that whole time, I did not think about my skin looking bad. I just focused on the girl.

I am just waiting for that peaceful Spring Break alone by myself, and my two hopeful girls.

Edited by Jonima

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I actually meant decendents as in ancestors, but ya know what I mean. :P Wow, you're actually irish too? Maybe my magic 8-ball really does have a soul after all lol. I'm pretty sure my acne came from genetics as well (not my parents though, neither had acne, my cousin had cystic acne as well).

Part Irish fo sho.

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Day 5

I am munching on carrots in hopes of keeping clear skin. Lately my skin has been really clear (knock on wood). I am eliminating all junk foods from my diet and life, even though I never ate them to begin. I am doing it for Lent/skin.

Where I work, I am surrounded by mirrors and reflective objects. As I make my rounds around the place, I habitually glance at my face in the reflections. I make sure to glance, because if I stare, then the image will lurk in the back of my head. Not good, no way! Today I noticed that I was staring at my face; I was standing in same spot for my 6-hour shift. I couldn't NOT stare. I was relatively pleased with my appearance. Automatically I felt better about myself. I would hold my chin up high when girls would walk by, and I would exchange glances. I felt good when little kids looked at me and asked me questions and when I got close to them to answer them politely, for I had no fear of them pointing and saying, Ew, you have chicken pox on your face. At least not at that moment or anymore.

All of this time of confidence contrasts from any other time when I look in the mirror and see unpleasant, unwanted images such as blemishes, my rolling/boxcar scars (which seem to vanish on some days in certain lighting, probably because they are relatively minor) or pock spots. When this does occur, my heart sinks and so does my head. My neck just feels weak and my eyelids feel heavy. I feel as if everyone around me has perfect skin, and if I see anybody happy, I feel livid. If I can't be happy with clear skin, then why should anyone else be?

But today, I was happy. So fuck the old, transient depressed me.

All of this confidence came about only because my skin looked good today. So now I understand that I control my happiness. I used to think that other people indirectly controlled how I felt and under what emotions I found myself. It makes sense now; I am happy if I see clear skin. I used to think that people judged me in regards to what kind of my skin I saw that day. If I saw breakouts, automatically, I thought other people stared at my breakouts. I thought I was judged constantly. If people every turned their heads in my direction--even if I never made eye contact with them-- then they obviously were looking at my acne, in my thoughts. I now know that that was all in my head. How would I know if other people looked at and judged my acne. I created and concocted all of those thoughts. I would place myself in peoples' minds; boy ance makes people go crazy. The psychological, emotional, and facial scars that I now have.... Scars really do completely shift the entire image of something. Like the way we act, think, and look. But the last one is the least important.

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Day 9

I have a friend whom is currently two weeks underway on his first Accutane treatment. He has been suffering from moderate acne for about 3 years now. I think I might have convinced him to go on Accutane, even though I did not try in any way or fashion. He was making fun of himself to avoid the real pain of his acne. And I asked him why he does that, and he replied with another self-humiliating joke. So I told him that he's not the only person with bad skin. And then I proceeded to tell him that I went on Accutane twice. He had no idea. Now a month later, he's on tane. He is in the dry skin, breaking out stages. I plan to give him advice on how to cope with the harsh drug. Who would've thought that I would be on this end of an acne conversation. I feel like a dermatologist now.

Lately I have been staring at my face in the mirror. My feelings reflect a similar post that I put in my Accutane log, which has a link in my signature. I read it, and I still have the same feelings. It is on page 7 on my 185th day of Accutane. RipTheJacker really helped me out with his post.

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No more days; no more tracking. Just entries when I please. I figure very few people besides me read this.

My skin had a breakout. Probably because of the topical tretinoin I am using. My skin is ravaged. I feel slightly depressed. It's awful. But to be laconic, I am just looking forward to Spring Break. I know historically that my skin clears up in an instant from the salt water and sun. My acne dries up and dusts away and my blemishes and scars are temporarily covered up. But Florida proves only to be a transient panacea for my acne. Hopefully skin will persist in its infallibility during and after SB! Hope.

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I am losing it, but I am trying to keep my cool. I am definitely going to schedule a dermatologist appointment, my first one in several months since Accutane. It will be a year in less than two weeks since I started my most recent treatment.

Everytime I look in the mirror, I can only think about how the Florida weather and sun will clear up my skin. It's all I have right now.

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