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*Rebecca*

What would you do if he said he wasn't sure?

I have come to the conclusion that even at 19 I am madly in love with my boyfriend. We have together for over a year. It was rocky in the beginning (long story) but nontheless it all worked out. Well, I have had prior boyfriends and I never felt this connection and intensity I do with him. I am not even attracted to anyone else, other then him. Now, he has never been with anyone before never even kissed another girl. He has wanted to be with me for 4 years but I never gave him the time of day back then, well he got his wish he is with me. Now, he has mixed feelings because I am the first girl he has ever been with and he is not sure if he really loves me. The thing is he says he isn't even attracted to other women it is only me, doesn't that say something? I know in my last relationship it felt more like a friendship because I still found other ppl attractive and so did he. This is different because both of us only feel for eachother. It hurts more then anything I have ever felt before, because I have given him my heart and when he says he has mixed feelings he crushes it.Not to mention he tells me on a daily basis how he wants to marry me and have children etc. So, is it just a guy thing? It seems women are easier to committ then men. But it just hurts he says i love you and want to marry you then the next day he says he isn't even sure if he loves me because he doesn't know what "love is". Well I guess nobody truely knows what it is. Any advice would be more then appreciated.

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Alright, well, I'm a little confused on your problem there, but face it:

GUYS SAY STUPID THINGS

Half the time, we won't even mean it, and we don't happen to really think about what we say a lot of the time. He most likely is sending you, what he thinks, is an entirely different message, although you interpret it as something else....

That, and he probably wants sex too. I honestly can't think of anything else. Hey, I'm being honest, that's how a lot of guys are.....

Hope that helped. :angel:

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A couple thoughts:

First, I think it's great that he is being honest with you. A lot of guys would prefer to not tell you that they are unsure b/c while they figure it out for themselves, they want you to stay by their side. At least you know what's going on. And you'll always know that you know, rather than wondering.

Second, if he's unsure already, it is a sign that maybe he's not ready for a mature, committed relationship. This may be heart-breaking, but if you were unsure, wouldn't you want to take the time to figure things out before you commit to the only person you've ever been with?

My advice is keep the lines of communication open. Let him know it hurts, but that you love him and want to hear his thoughts and feelings. You alwasy want him to be able to talk with you no matter how good or bad the talk is.

I think you have a great relationship if you can be open. Also, it's natural for a person to wonder about the relationship. You may not be right now, but if you stay together, you will wonder at some point in time whether he is "the one".

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A couple thoughts:

First, I think it's great that he is being honest with you. A lot of guys would prefer to not tell you that they are unsure b/c while they figure it out for themselves, they want you to stay by their side. At least you know what's going on. And you'll always know that you know, rather than wondering.

Second, if he's unsure already, it is a sign that maybe he's not ready for a mature, committed relationship. This may be heart-breaking, but if you were unsure, wouldn't you want to take the time to figure things out before you commit to the only person you've ever been with?

My advice is keep the lines of communication open. Let him know it hurts, but that you love him and want to hear his thoughts and feelings. You alwasy want him to be able to talk with you no matter how good or bad the talk is.

I think you have a great relationship if you can be open. Also, it's natural for a person to wonder about the relationship. You may not be right now, but if you stay together, you will wonder at some point in time whether he is "the one".

Women are generally easier to commit than men are but there are a few percentage that feel like commiting just as much as women do.

It's usually hard or harder for guys to talk about their relationship. Me personally, I usually say what I mean but I do get "off topic" and say I like someone else in like 2 weeks. I'm a really emotional guy and although my appearance may be in a "non caring" mood, I actually care about all my friends and what happens to them. I try to make them feel that they're not alone and that if they need anything, I'll be there for them.

I haven't had a gf yet so I don't know much but if his problem is solely about emotions and commitment I suggest spending time to talk to him. mdp703 summed it up very nicely. Just talk to him and say what you think of him or what he thinks of you and look for some gestures or voice changes (ie: mood and sincerity). If he even has the strength or will to repeat that he wants to marry you or have children, that's a good sign towards a full commitment. But the weird thing is that as you say, he also has mixed feelings. To me, marraige and having children is a huge step that I would somewhat ignore his mixed feelings but like I said, talk to him more and try to "pry" him of what he really feels inside. It's hard and it takes time but sooner or later you'll know the answer.

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Thank you for you advice :) He uses the excuse alot that I have been in prior relationship so I have xperience to back up my feelings, he has none. He says he loves me but at the same is confused as to what love is, and is unsure if I am right for him only because he has no past experience. But my confusion is he it feels right then why have second guesses. He doesn't want to date or go out with other women but he still says he isn't sure. It confuses me more than anything and hurts more then anything because he wanted to be with me for 4 years and now that I am madly inlove with him he says these things. That mkaes it so much worse knowing he has wnated to be with me this long and now that he is with me he has mixed feelings :(

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19 is awfully young to be talking about a lifetime commitment ... why not stop with the deep, intense "you love me you love me not" conversations and just be together?

If the two of you are really cut out for each other, then it will last. If you aren't ..... well, at least enjoy your time together.

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Guest Sincerely_Me

I have come to the conclusion that even at 19 I am madly in love with my boyfriend. We have together for over a year. It was rocky in the beginning (long story) but nontheless it all worked out. Well, I have had prior boyfriends and I never felt this connection and intensity I do with him. I am not even attracted to anyone else, other then him. Now, he has never been with anyone before never even kissed another girl. He has wanted to be with me for 4 years but I never gave him the time of day back then, well he got his wish he is with me. Now, he has mixed feelings because I am the first girl he has ever been with and he is not sure if he really loves me. The thing is he says he isn't even attracted to other women it is only me, doesn't that say something? I know in my last relationship it felt more like a friendship because I still found other ppl attractive and so did he. This is different because both of us only feel for eachother. It hurts more then anything I have ever felt before, because I have given him my heart and when he says he has mixed feelings he crushes it.Not to mention he tells me on a daily basis how he wants to marry me and have children etc. So, is it just a guy thing? It seems women are easier to committ then men. But it just hurts he says i love you and want to marry you then the next day he says he isn't even sure if he loves me because he doesn't know what "love is". Well I guess nobody truely knows what it is. Any advice would be more then appreciated.

Hey hun. Look, I was in a four year relationship with a guy whom I loved very much, and now I'm with another guy I am very much in love with and will probably marry. I'm 19 as well. Okay. Look, of course your man is going to think other girls are attractive, that's nature, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Guys usually don't say it straight up, but that's the truth. He can think a million girls are attractive, but trust me, YOU, the one he is with is the most beautiful in his eyes because you're a whole lot more than just a pretty face in the crowd.

Your boyfriend is probably like any guy, like my boyfriend, not afraid of commitment per se, but afraid of how they feel, afraid of being in love because being in love makes you vulnerable, and that is one of the things men hate the most, is feeling like that.

You should tell him not to say "I love you" anymore until he has it figured out because it hurts you.

But...you ALWAYS just KNOW if you love someone...so he may be scared and trying to be like...eh, I'm not sure, or he may not. I don't want to upset you. Just talk to him some more, make it comfortable for him so he opens up a bit more. And flattery gets you everywhere, lol.

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Ask him to close his eyes and imagine life without you in it.

If it hurts his heart for him to think about that, then that's pretty solid evidence for him really loving you.

Of course it can be risky. Some people have poor imaginations and might not be able to imagine how it feels. Hmm, you could try talking to him about having neither of you communicate with or see each other for 5 or so days. IMHO, he should be really missing you by the end of that period. That might help him realize what love is and how he feels.

Well, those are my thoughts anyhow, but other people might have some better ideas. Certainly men (or women for that matter) can be really stupid or immature about these things. That doesn't necessarily mean you should break up and wait for him to grow up though. I believe there are ways people can help each other out in these circumstances. Assuming, of course, the person accepts help (as it is hard to force help onto someone).

Love is a complicated thing in a number of ways. At least how we deal with love and affection for someone, and how we identify it in our heads, can be quite complicated. Being young and confused about it isn't unusual or suprising. The best you can do is try to help him recognize and understand his feelings better, and to try to make sure you are recognizing and understanding your feelings. Honest communication and self-reflection are key, but, as I indicated above, there are other things that can be done too. (again, imho).

-Drachasor

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Guys aren't afraid of commitment. Notice how you only hear women say that?

It's a stereotype perpetuated by women... does this make me a masculininist? :D

Our brains are different. It's all about timing. Women settle down when they meet the right guy. A guy settles down when it's the right time. The woman they're with or the next one that comes along is The One... if she's not an asshole... then it's the 2nd one to come along :D It's not a 'don't leash me' thing. It's a 'woman, let me burn some testosterone' thing.

Timing is king. It's 10 minutes before lunch. Of course you don't wanna dig into that pile of files until later. It's not that you're afraid hehe. When Mr Right bolts, knock on his door in 10 years and have a Meg Ryan moment... i'm just assuming she's been a movie where the plot revolves around an old flame...

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Yeah your the one that has guys fantasizing about her so go for one of them lol.

I honestly dont think any first time relationships ever work. He has not experienced anything or anyone else to see if maybe there is something more. He sounds like hes not into it fully which is okay since u guys are just kids. By this point in life (24) I know when to hit the road either way.

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Guys aren't afraid of commitment. Notice how you only hear women say that?

It's a stereotype perpetuated by women... does this make me a masculininist? :D

Our brains are different. It's all about timing. Women settle down when they meet the right guy. A guy settles down when it's the right time. The woman they're with or the next one that comes along is The One... if she's not an asshole... then it's the 2nd one to come along :D It's not a 'don't leash me' thing. It's a 'woman, let me burn some testosterone' thing.

Timing is king. It's 10 minutes before lunch. Of course you don't wanna dig into that pile of files until later. It's not that you're afraid hehe. When Mr Right bolts, knock on his door in 10 years and have a Meg Ryan moment... i'm just assuming she's been a movie where the plot revolves around an old flame...

Hmm, seems to me that you are saying guys are afraid of commitment....until they aren't (and it might be 10 or more years for a particular guy to change).

Personally, I don't know why some guys are so afraid of commitment. Maybe they haven't thought their life through. Maybe they don't know where they are or why they are going. It is hard for me to tell, even though I am a guy, since I don't really remember a time when I was not ready for commitment, but still interested in girls.

*thinking* Well, I suppose some guys are afraid of commitment because they are jerks and just leading the girl they are with on. Sometimes people get in superficial relationships and allow their partner to get the wrong idea. That doesn't sound like it is the case with the OP though.

-Drachasor

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Guys aren't afraid of commitment. Notice how you only hear women say that?

It's a stereotype perpetuated by women... does this make me a masculininist? :D

Our brains are different. It's all about timing. Women settle down when they meet the right guy. A guy settles down when it's the right time. The woman they're with or the next one that comes along is The One... if she's not an asshole... then it's the 2nd one to come along :D It's not a 'don't leash me' thing. It's a 'woman, let me burn some testosterone' thing.

Timing is king. It's 10 minutes before lunch. Of course you don't wanna dig into that pile of files until later. It's not that you're afraid hehe. When Mr Right bolts, knock on his door in 10 years and have a Meg Ryan moment... i'm just assuming she's been a movie where the plot revolves around an old flame...

Hmm, seems to me that you are saying guys are afraid of commitment....until they aren't (and it might be 10 or more years for a particular guy to change).

Personally, I don't know why some guys are so afraid of commitment. Maybe they haven't thought their life through. Maybe they don't know where they are or where they are going. It is hard for me to tell, even though I am a guy, since I don't really remember a time when I was not ready for commitment, but still interested in girls.

*thinking* Well, I suppose some guys are afraid of commitment because they are jerks and just leading the girl they are with on. Sometimes people get in superficial relationships and allow their partner to get the wrong idea. That doesn't sound like it is the case with the OP though.

-Drachasor

Drachasor- you are new to this board, yes? This is gonna be off topic, but anyway, your posts are the most mature I have ever read on this site. ...And I've only read 3-4. Cheers to that. :)

-Sarah

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ummm sounds like you and your bf are like 17 max and don't know what the fuck love is. to be throwing around the term marriage between you too is just laughable because neighet of you even know how to love somone for ever a long period of time is yet. i'm not ripping i'm just saying if your bf has only kissed you then how does he even know he loves you without even kissing anyone else? i don't know i'm just saying just cause ur his first everything he feels a really strong connection to you, etc... just my opinion though

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ummm sounds like you and your bf are like 17 max and don't know what the fuck love is. to be throwing around the term marriage between you too is just laughable because neighet of you even know how to love somone for ever a long period of time is yet. i'm not ripping i'm just saying if your bf has only kissed you then how does he even know he loves you without even kissing anyone else? i don't know i'm just saying just cause ur his first everything he feels a really strong connection to you, etc... just my opinion though

Well, I don't know about that. I was my BFs first girlfriend, first kiss, first everything, and we love eachother dearly. He hadn't had experience with other women, but he loves me, I know this (otherwise we wouldn't be engaged. I need to start refering to him as my fiance', just not used to it.) It IS possible to fall in love with the first person you have ever dated. Rare, but possible. :)

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ummm sounds like you and your bf are like 17 max and don't know what the fuck love is. to be throwing around the term marriage between you too is just laughable because neighet of you even know how to love somone for ever a long period of time is yet. i'm not ripping i'm just saying if your bf has only kissed you then how does he even know he loves you without even kissing anyone else? i don't know i'm just saying just cause ur his first everything he feels a really strong connection to you, etc... just my opinion though

Actually I am 19 he is 18 and I was in a 4 year relationship prior to being with my current bouyfriend which we have been together a year now. My 4 year relation was more or less a waste ot time i thought I loved him atfirst but the attraction didn't last and it felt more like a friendship. I guess I was with him for so long because it was comfortable and I didn't want to be alone. Now I have been with James for a year I am still attracted to him, it doesn't feel like we are "just friends" it is so much more and to me this is love. Everyone has their own definition and to me it doesn't matter how old you are I think everyone can feel love, and you just no when you are in love. So neither of us are 17 and I doubt you know what love is either. No one truely does, it is just a feeling something you know. No one can tell you you are not in love. I have had experience he hasn't so he says that he has othing to base his feelings on, which I do understand, but that doesn't mean it doesn'[t hurt. He isn't attracted to anyone else that was never an issue, he is just afraid that this may not be love. But, if he feels he cannot be with anyone else, isn't attracted to anyone else then why is he so afraid?

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He isn't attracted to anyone else that was never an issue, he is just afraid that this may not be love. But, if he feels he cannot be with anyone else, isn't attracted to anyone else then why is he so afraid?

Perhaps because he is only 18 ... he genuinely cares about you ... yet he realizes on some level that he is too young and inexperienced to be making promises of lifetime adoration. It sounds like he is a person of character who doesn't want to use the phrase "I love you" lightly. That is quite admirable; it means that when he does say it, he will mean it.

I still think that at your age, both you and your boyfriend are best off focusing your energies on the here-and-now. Honestly, why pour so much emotional intensity into defining the relationship at this moment? The next ten years hold a tremendous amount of change for both of you. You stand a better chance of riding things out together if you are simply and genuinely enjoying each other. Breathe, honey ... and don't tear yourself apart over things you cannot control.

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He isn't attracted to anyone else that was never an issue, he is just afraid that this may not be love. But, if he feels he cannot be with anyone else, isn't attracted to anyone else then why is he so afraid?

Perhaps because he is only 18 ... he genuinely cares about you ... yet he realizes on some level that he is too young and inexperienced to be making promises of lifetime adoration. It sounds like he is a person of character who doesn't want to use the phrase "I love you" lightly. That is quite admirable; it means that when he does say it, he will mean it.

I still think that at your age, both you and your boyfriend are best off focusing your energies on the here-and-now. Honestly, why pour so much emotional intensity into defining the relationship at this moment? The next ten years hold a tremendous amount of change for both of you. You stand a better chance of riding things out together if you are simply and genuinely enjoying each other. Breathe, honey ... and don't tear yourself apart over things you cannot control.

Thank You :)

I try to focus on here and now but I guess my personality is I need to figure out my life plan, I like order and I like to be prepared. I guess I have to learn to focus on now and not think so much of the future. If I look at my life right now I am happy, but I hate knowing that I may not be with him. :(

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what a great post lionqueen!! wise words indeed, and i couldnt agree with you more. :D

and smashingpumpkins, hes a guy! commitment is a four-letter word for him.. its just the way guys are. im 27 and its definitely not a concept i am comfortable with at my age either. sure he sounds confused about what he wants out of life, but at his age thats not surprising.. all that matters right now is that he's clearly attracted to you, and whether he is comfortable calling it 'love' or not, it doesnt have to change the way you feel about each other. as lionqueen says, just enjoy it

;)

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I try to focus on here and now but I guess my personality is I need to figure out my life plan, I like order and I like to be prepared. I guess I have to learn to focus on now and not think so much of the future. If I look at my life right now I am happy, but I hate knowing that I may not be with him. :(

Totally, completely, 100% understandable... and that's a great sort of personality to have. Just focus that laser-like intensity on school, jobs, etc. for now. Enjoy your relationship and the happiness you share with your boyfriend, and build up your friendship with him ... that's the best way to strengthen your bond for the long haul. :)

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hmm its always awkward for someone who gets into a relationship like this after never having another girlfriend, i think he may not know what he wants because you are his first and he doesnt know what its like to be with anyone else. A guy will always wonder what its like to be with someone else if they have never actually experienced it. Not many teenage relationships last , i know some do but its rare. Like lionqueen said just enjoy it dont get hung up about it.

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19 is awfully young to be talking about a lifetime commitment ... why not stop with the deep, intense "you love me you love me not" conversations and just be together?

If the two of you are really cut out for each other, then it will last. If you aren't ..... well, at least enjoy your time together.

PERFECT ADVICE! my boyfriend and i are in love and we've briefly discussed kids/marraige/moving in together, BUT we understand that the future is just that. plus, when theres no stress over who feels this or who wants that, it makes love the most beautiful thing in the world.

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I try to focus on here and now but I guess my personality is I need to figure out my life plan, I like order and I like to be prepared. I guess I have to learn to focus on now and not think so much of the future. If I look at my life right now I am happy, but I hate knowing that I may not be with him. :(

Totally, completely, 100% understandable... and that's a great sort of personality to have. Just focus that laser-like intensity on school, jobs, etc. for now. Enjoy your relationship and the happiness you share with your boyfriend, and build up your friendship with him ... that's the best way to strengthen your bond for the long haul. :)

Thank you LionQueen, I will certianly take your advice into consideration. I really do not want to stress myself out about "what could happen" I'll make the best of things and focus on school :) .. Thank you everyone for trying to help, I really do appreciate it.

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I have come to the conclusion that even at 19 I am madly in love with my boyfriend. We have together for over a year. It was rocky in the beginning (long story) but nontheless it all worked out. Well, I have had prior boyfriends and I never felt this connection and intensity I do with him. I am not even attracted to anyone else, other then him. Now, he has never been with anyone before never even kissed another girl. He has wanted to be with me for 4 years but I never gave him the time of day back then, well he got his wish he is with me. Now, he has mixed feelings because I am the first girl he has ever been with and he is not sure if he really loves me. The thing is he says he isn't even attracted to other women it is only me, doesn't that say something? I know in my last relationship it felt more like a friendship because I still found other ppl attractive and so did he. This is different because both of us only feel for eachother. It hurts more then anything I have ever felt before, because I have given him my heart and when he says he has mixed feelings he crushes it.Not to mention he tells me on a daily basis how he wants to marry me and have children etc. So, is it just a guy thing? It seems women are easier to committ then men. But it just hurts he says i love you and want to marry you then the next day he says he isn't even sure if he loves me because he doesn't know what "love is". Well I guess nobody truely knows what it is. Any advice would be more then appreciated.

I don't know about you, but i no longer trust guys when they say they love you and shit like that. I had been with my bf for almost 4 YEARS, during which he would tell me that he loves me more than anything and that we would get married and live happily ever after. And just recently he decided that he and i cannot have a long term relationship. I felt the same way, but this just goes to show that all these confessions of undying love are not as everlasting as guys make them out to be.

Of course in no way am i suggesting that the same thing will happen to you. Just be careful and don't let yourself be fooled by all the sweet talk

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If it is meant to be, you will be together in the end. My parents dated in high school, then broke up. A few years later, they met up again and started dating once more. Now they have been married for almost 31 years! In the end, everything always works out for the best.

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I believe that if you love someone, you know in your heart that you cannot live without them. I think it's something that you just know. To be honest, I don't think he should be telling you that he's not sure if he loves you. To me that seems very cruel.. Of course, I'm certainly not saying that he was intending to be cruel. Actually, he probably wasn't doing anything even close to that. But still, he should realize that by him going back and forth, it's hurting you. Perhaps some time apart would help him to figure out if he really loves you. Just a suggestion. I hope things work out but please don't allow someone to hurt you, even if they are not meaning to.

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