I like your post and can agree with you on sleeping with people while having bad acne. I think you may do well gong natural and finding the cause of your acne. Don't put your hope and money into treatments. If they don't succeed, you've only wasted time and possibly made it worse. reading your post encouraged me to share this with you because I think you would do well.

Anyways, good luck!

Thanks for your feedback. I can't really go the focus on a clean/natural diet route too much...I realize that works for some people but I've struggled with highly restrictive eating and severe bouts of anorexia. My diet now looks very 'healthy' from the outside but does include some foods that I bet many would say are problematic, and to cut anything out will lead me back down the rabbit hole I am sure.

Day 1 was a bad call because I had to wake up absurdly early, fly away for a long work day (including connections), and then fly right back. I was emotionally and physically exhausted all day and airplanes really seem to bring out the whiteheads too. I did not wear makeup today and that was such a challenge. I found myself picking at the whiteheads any time I could find a mirror- they were just so white, and round, and seemed to keep refilling. They aren't deep, but they are just ewww gross, the kind you can't just leave sitting there on your face. I've also got a giant scab forming over what I started yesterday. I'm already formulating my strategy for getting out of having weekend plans so I can hide But I really don't want to do that.

I need to stay away from the damn mirror(s).

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I know how hard it is to stay away from mirrors. I have a handheld mirror I carry with me everywhere. Even at work, I sneak into the bathrooms to look at my skin and analyze it in every which way. It's kind of a mind fuck because my skin will look different depending on the lighting.

Anyways, I'm sure we're all guilty of picking our spots, some more than others. I don't want to leave the house if I have a huge scab from picking, so that's my motivation to refrain from doing so. I will not be productive at all and my obsession with my skin will only increase.

There is no universal rememdy to stop picking. It's always easier said than done. I know my desire to mess with my face derives from my anxiety which can be debilitating at times. I don't take medication, so what I do is find another way to deal with the urge. Basically just keep myself occupied whether that's watching a movie, reading, taking my dog for a walk, etc.

There's a thread in here that a user started that was called 30 Day No Pick Challenge (something along those lines), and she/he talked about what they tried doing to help alleviate the urge. I think some of those thing were dimming the lights in the bathrooms and even wearing gloves at night to stop themselves from picking. Maybe you could slowly start incorporating methods like that and see if it helps.

I think you are very capable of being able to curb this and find a way through it. This was very long winded so I apologize if I bore you. My advice only goes so far, but I hope you know you aren't alone! All the best to you.

Thank you so much. I have read a lot of the tips and tricks. It's so hard for me because I work at home. I have a bad phone call or video meeting and head straight to the bathroom mirror. Or I start getting bored with the report I'm writing and head to the mirror. It's totally anxiety-driven for me, too. And one way I manage my anxiety-through running (which I am also obsessive about!)-is not possible right now because I'm pretty badly injured. Oddly I am quite busy, most of the time-but I still will make myself late to things with picking.

I KNOW I am capable of stopping because I've done it before.

Today wasnt good, and I definitely picked. I also am having a breakout and a new rash. I think the rash is from the hydroquinone (I used it last night, shouldn't have, but the pigmentation is getting so bad!) The breakout may be acne but I also think it may be like a yeast or fungus? It's different from regular acne and sometimes if I cover this type of breakout with antifungal cream it gets better. God I have so many creams and goos in my bathroom, it's ridiculous.

I am really, really going to try to leave it alone other than using something soothing for the rashy area, and the antifungal.

I feel like a big part of this is that I need to learn to not put so much emphasis on how I look. I think the fear that no one will love me if I'm ugly is ironically what often drives me to make myself look worse? Weird how that works.

Monday update: I have done a bit better, but still picking. Mostly the rash is resolved, but I am still not sure if it was an allergic reaction to the aczone, or an outbreak of what I suspect is yeast. In any case it does really look better. In a few days it will be much better. All of these products create their own issues. Yet they work too. It's so hard to know what to do. I don't want the melasma but I know the hydroquinone causes a bit of a burn sometimes. I don't want the acne but the aczone seems to create a rash (but it also WORKS! sometimes-really dries things up.)

I went to town on a weird zit on my chest, and it is now all inflamed. Fortunately not right on my face, but jeez its ugly. That area of my skin isnt as sensitive to the aczone so I think it will only be a few days and it will be gone.

Ugh, why is this so hard? I have notes to myself near and around the bathroom, an journaling, and know I dont want to do this anymore. But it is such a weird stupid comfort to me. I realized today I still have a scab on my back that started back before I went to the beach in MAY. I have not let it heal in nearly half a year, I keep just picking it back off again. It's gotten pretty large and someone even asked me if I'd had a mole or some cancer removed. Nope, I just had a zit five months ago and have kept picking it since then until now it looks like a surgical scar. How is this so persistent and strong a compulsion? I am wondering if this is the wrong forum, maybe this forum is more about acne. But if I didn't have the acne....

I suck at not picking this week. And my face is breaking out, in weird ways that don't look like acne. I still feel like some fungus or yeast or something is taking over my skin. And aczone is definitely causing the rash, I used it on my chest and it broke out like a tomato.

I've skipped a few days and done a poor job of updating and probably, this is due partially to the fact that I dont want to be accountable. I am so sick of this! Ack! I realized last week that while my food restriction issues improve, my skin picking gets out of control. I seem to need one or the other self destructive behaviors to cope. I wish I could cope by being kind to myself or doing something that is both soothing AND gentle. Why are the things that are so destructive and healthy also soothing to me? It's sick and I hate it. I am in a pretty negative space around my skin right now, and I don't want to be because otherwise things actually seem ok. And to be honest my skin isnt even that bad (although the rash is flaring again, it isnt yet out of control.) I just feel like if people knew how 'awful' my skin really was under the makeup they wouldn't love me-but it isn't maybe even that awful? And maybe that is how I feel about myself as a person, so maybe it is all a big fat complex issue that doesnt have much to do with skincare at all. Boo.

This is my first post. I've lurked on these boards for some time, and I related so much to your situation that I was finally compelled to say something to someone. I have, often, made my acne much worse by picking. I've been a compulsive picker since I started breaking out in high school (I'm 27 now). I examine my face closely, see that little white substance under the skin, and I just have to pry it out. Like you, I think this is partially anxiety-driven. I also do a lot of work from home - I'm a graduate student and spend long hours alone just reading and writing - so whenever I get writer's block or feel stressed out about an assignment, I just robotically head to the mirror and start picking at my face. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it until after the damage is done. I have also started a new relationship, and I can totally relate to not wanting to get close to or sleep with someone when your skin looks bad. However, I've managed to reduce my picking to one or two days a week and let my skin calm down by the weekend when I see my boyfriend. I'm still struggling to completely stop picking, but here's what's worked for me:

1. Finding the right combination of products that keep the acne under control. I've tried diet and all that internal stuff, and nothing has worked for me. I think I will always be prone to acne, and it is just a matter of making my skin look presentable on the surface. Dan's regimen works well for me, and I've incorporated clindamycin into my routine (an antiobotic topical prescribed by my derm). I also started birth control again, and that has helped. Finally, I do a clay face mask once in a while to clean my pores and reduce inflammation. This also helps after a picking session. Everyone's skin is different, and you have to find what products work best for you, then stick to them.

2. Keeping busy and avoiding mirrors. I noticed that I'm more likely to pick just after I've washed my face: when I'm looking in the mirror closely. Try to do things around the house to prevent lingering in front of the mirror. Instead of heading there when you need a break from writing, try perform a household chore instead. Because of this, I haven't found wearing gloves to be a good deterrent, since they prevent me from doing these things. But it can't hurt to give them a try. I also turn out the lights in the bathroom and sometimes close the door so that the barriers make me more conscious of what I'm doing when I have the impulse to go pick. Sometimes I come to my senses and stop before I get to the bathroom. As a last resort, you could try covering your mirrors, but I haven't tried this.

3. Chewing gum. I confided to a friend, and he suggested that I chew gum when I'm feeling anxious. I didn't believe this would work because I thought that was just for people with oral fixations, like smokers. But chewing gum has reduced my anxiety, and as a result, it sometimes reduces my urge to pick.

4. Notice how much better your skin looks when you don't pick. While my skin is never perfect, it looks a million times better when I'm not scabby and inflamed from picking. Most people will not look at your skin that closely enough to notice every imperfection, so it's often best just to leave these suckers be. Take a picture after you've had a few good days of non-picking and leave it up as a reminder. Also, pimples are easier to cover with makeup when they aren't scabby and inflamed.

5. Don't worry TOO much about what your boyfriend thinks of your skin. We're our own worst critics, and I've found that guys often don't really noticed my acne. Other people are not as critical of us as we are! And, as my sister once said to me when I cried to her about having a bad pimple before spending the night with my boyfriend: "It's not like he'll be looking at your face." Haha.

Sorry for rambling. It's late, and I hope my post is somewhat coherent. I hope my advice helps, but at the very least, please know that there are other people who share your struggle! Good luck!

Thank you so, so much. It feels so comforting although sad to know I am understood. I can't properly express how much I appreciate this thoughtful response. Your suggestions are also really good and things I think I can try. I do get frustrated with the lectures both in real life and online about "don't pick" and "Eat Clean" which is just like, um, yeah, ok, that's just one more thing I'm doing wrong but can't seem to change. These are really good practical things in your list and I do find that new but simple actionable items that are not so mentally hard to swallow-like a physical barrier (shutting the door is brilliant!) - are much more effective for me. (Plus if I wasnt allowed to eat ice cream or have a couple of drinks on the weekend I'd just have one more thing to be depressed about on top of my skin picking.) I really dont even think the breakouts are that bad, and its not like cystic acne or anything. Mostly it seems hormonal, but since I went back on the pill it almost seems worse from that persepctive though I do recall when I was younger b/c pills always seemed to clear me up. Weird. In any case I plan to go off the pill again soon, am getting an iud next week that doesnt have hormones, because I've definitely noticed more skin hyperpigmentation since going back on the pill which I also hate.

You are so right, it is mostly in our heads and perception. I have people tell me the same thing when I get really down about it-it isn't that bad, people really don't notice, etc. etc. But I do want to stop making it worse, because it feels like a form of self-harming to me, which is not just physically disfiguring but mentally just a bad thing to do to oneself even if it is sometimes soothing.

Anyway thank you so much, I really appreciate this. I did not do great today or this week, but I really am going to re-set tomorrow and start fresh.