Hello there acne.org

This is my first time speaking out (or should you say writing out?) about my acne on any social forums or websites. Perhaps this is the first time I will be speaking out honestly about my situation and truly open up regarding what has been haunting me since as long as I can remember, in hopes that it might shed clearness toanyone who doesn't know what acne does to a person or to find solitude and strength in others of similar situation.

Acne. That thing I have genetically programmed in my DNA since the moment of my conception. Something that is more a part of me than my fashion style, my sense of humor or my poor taste in wine. Perhaps I should be used to it by now, or have learned to accept it and grow strong. Unfortunately that is not the case. If anything, I hate it more than ever and dream of a time where my skin might be torn and broken at the age of 45 but at least I won't need to see those horrible red bumps and fat pimples on my face no more.

My acne started somewhere at the age of 13. We all knew what was coming, except for me perhaps since I was a blissful young child with no worries about my looks or my face. It started gradually, I hardly even noticed it the first year but my mother had a keen eye and hoped that somehow we might prevent it if we started treating it early. You know, as with most diseases? I went to the doctors soon after and was given Basiron 5%. I have to say honestly I have very little recollection of the quality of my skin at that time or how badly my breakouts were. I was blissfully unaware of them, but what I do remember is my mother rubbing in Basiorn every night on my back and my face for a year or perhaps two. After that we continued to visit the doctor, this time I was given Basiron 10% which I used every night for maybe another 2-3 years. It was at this time I started taking a notice to my skin. I covered it up with makeup (as badly as any 14 year old could) and mostly pretended I didn't have any. What has come to my attention in later years is how my mother never tried to stop me from using makeup, even at such a young age. This since I have a half-sister turning the same age soon and my mother is strict with her not wearing any makeup at all, although she does not have the genetic acne of my father so I guess she really doesn't need it.

Anyhow, acne didn't bother me that much as a youngling. A lot of young teenagers have acne and at that time I had only mild to moderate acne (although persistent!) at worst. It was when I started Senior/Upper high school (Gymnasium) that my acne became worse and especially my scaring. I have a lot of melanin, being half Persian with dark hair and dark eyes, making my skin tan very easily but also get scarring and deep brown marks without any effort. At this point I was started to get really troubled by it since you wanted to look good in school, get a boyfriend and do all that sort of teenage stuff. Something that I realized was waaaaay much harder for someone with moderate/severe acne. I went to my doctor again, and got Tetralysal for a month which cleared my skin like nothing else and then I was to continue with Dalacin. The latter did not help at all. My acne continued as persistent as ever making me feel extremely insecure about myself and my looks. I would never leave the house without full coverage of my skin and I became depressed. At age of 17-18 I was barely in school and my grades took a heavy hit, as well as my entire social life and my self-esteem. I was at such a low point of my life; the best days were when I was emotionless just playing videogames or watching series. The worst days I would be lying in bed, reading depressing books and crying into my pillow hoping no one would take a notice. I was at a low but thinking towards the end of my graduation that soon this would be over. My doctor had many times pointed out that it did not have to be genetic acne, it could be hormonal and could disappear after my 18s. Oboy I wish that had been the case.
After my graduation I met a guy who was all the things I wanted in a man. He was funny, intellectual, kind and a gamer. Best part was that he barely took notice of my skin even though I still felt horrible about it. As we got together I started using birth control pills. I had heard it could help with acne and it was pretty good all around. It honestly improved my acne a bit; those tiny white heads mostly disappeared. But those inflamed/sore big pimples that you mostly can't pop still persisted, especially around my cheek areas and chin.

2-3 months before I turned 19 my dad asked if I wanted to go and see a doctor for my skin. My parents had long gone stopped asking about my skin and mostly pretended like it didnt exist. This is something that I found, still find, annoying. Yes I know Ive had this for a long time. Yes I know it probably wont go away for another 15 years. Yes I know I only have one life and I should live it to the fullest. But it does not help that my parents kind of ignore it and dont at least ask me about it or how I feel. Still tho, I was feeling so miserable and had almost given up hopes of curing my acne. I wasnt 18 anymore dear doctor of mine. Yet my skin showed no sign of improving.
So after the kind attention of my dad I went with him to a new doctor. I will always remember what she said. I used to ask my previous doctor to prescribe me Isotreotin (aka Accutane), as I had noticed Tetralysal (also antibiotics) had worked wonders on my skin and I was ready to really clear my skin. I was already at such a low point, what else could I be waiting for? As I met my new doctor, the first thing she pointed out after examining my face was that the only thing that would help was Isotreotin. Oboy oboy oboy. I was so excited. Delighted! Finally someone who listened to me! Maybe it was because I went with my dad, whose obvious torn and scarred skin even at his 50s is a strong reminder of his dealings with acne and proved that I indeed have genetic acne from my father side.

So I tested my body to see if I was fit for Isotreotin. Meanwhile I was given Differin and Skinoren, two other medications that havent had any effect on my skin. I used them for 2-3 months before I was allowed to go on Isotreotin.
I dont even know what to say. I guess my skin need antibiotics? I guess it needs really heavy medication to work? I had no side effects whatsoever. My skin glowed when I used Isotreotin. Immediately my acne stopped, and started the healing process of my skin. I have never been happier in my life. My skin was a bit dryer than usual but oh hell yes I will trade that any day.
My marks started to heal and disappear and most of my scars. I had a wonderful time until the bad news came.
It was a week before Christmas and I was visiting my boyfriend and his family on the other side of the country. I got a call from my doctor saying to stop taking my medication at once; some of my blood results have been looking bad. This was 1 & months after I had started eating the pills. After the holidays she explained that my liver couldnt take the medication. My results varied extremely to the point where it could go 3x over the maximum limit or go twice below the normal. She told me that we were going to stop this at once and advised me to never use this medication again.
I cried on my way home on the subway. I knew what was going to happen. As she kindly pointed out, my acne was gonna return. I was given Differin once again although I stopped using it after a month since it did nothing for the small pimples on my forehead and otherwise my skin was completely clear. It was normal. I loved it. I almost forgot about not taking any medication again and went on for a year without any trouble whatsoever. I think I made the mistake to convince myself that it wouldnt return. Everything was going so well. And thats when it hit me. Exactly a year later I started breaking out more and more. I used Basiron 5% again but after a couple of months I noticed clear signs that it was still getting worse and I had no way to stop it.
I decided to try skin peeling with AHA acid. I went to one of the best clinics in town, they decided on which I should try out (a moderate skin peel since I hadnt used it before) and I paid an extreme amount of money to do this twice. I never did it again, cus it didnt show any signs of improving. Instead my skin was breaking out more specially around my forehead. So I went back to Basiron 5% and here I am; sitting inside during summer, being depressed again and single since almost a year back.

I had a breakdown a month ago when I went to Paris with my mom and stepdad (I know what a dream holiday?). I couldnt enjoy it one bit. My skin was worse than it had been for over 5 years. I had gigantic deep growing inflamed pimples all over my cheeks and chin. My face was red and I couldnt bear to look people in the eye. I didnt even bother putting on makeup and as we were walking outside, enjoying the river I just broke down crying in the middle of the street. I couldnt bear it anymore. I dont even remember why, my mother had asked my something about my dating life and why I was looking so depressed. She probably thought I was going to commit suicide right then and there. After that my mother has been very attentive to me and asks me weekly how I feel.
It feels nice to have someone to talk to but I have to confess she does not know what it is like. She never had pimples or acne. She was a beautiful young woman with guys swarming around her feet. I look like I have been stung by 5 bees.

I know. Why do I feel so bad? I have everything in the world. I live in a great, civilized country free of war and racism and whatnot. I was born to a well-educated middle class/upper middleclass family with various culture and ethnic backgrounds. I have never in my life been treated wrongly. I wasnt bullied for my acne, no. I had a lot of friend growing up and I still have a great deal of good friends. I have never been treated differently. I have an amazing caring bear mother, 2 great fathers (my biological and my stepdad), an older brother and a younger sister.
I have never had cystic acne. I have no allergies or diseases. There is nothing wrong in my life except my acne. So why should I be bothered by it?

The answer is I dont know. I cant stop thinking about it. It hurts to wake up and instead of treasuring a wonderful life I constantly think about what my skin looks like, if its a bad or a good day. If Im going to be strong enough to walk out of the house today, or if I need to skip class in University because I cant make myself look in the mirror. I have to pay extra attention on how I dress myself since I cant show any part of my back. That would probably disgust people. This is especially hard during the summer when all you want to do Is walk around In nice tops and bikinis.
I have been watching all kinds of videos, listened to all kinds of people and I WISH I was strong enough to just not care. To just think that it is a minor flaw on my face and ignore it. Oh god I wish for the day when I cant be bothered anymore.
But today is not that day. In a sense I have given up hope to find anything to cure me of my acne. I still have my usual skincare routine and I use Basiron 5%. But I cant be bothered to go to the doctors. Why? So they can give me something I know wont work. Cus the only thing that works, I cant eat?
Isnt that ironic. There is one thing that can cure severe acne. But I cant have it. I was blessed with acne and a weak liver.

If you are still reading this, I must confess I am surprised you stuck out with me for so long. This text turned much longer than I thought. But I need to beg you of one last thing. Dont try and give me advice on how to treat my skin. I know people do it out of kindness. They honestly want to help. But for someone who has tried EVERYTHING, for someone who knows their skin inside out, it is not helpful in anyway. Yes I tried eating no dairy products. Yes I tried different medication. Yes I tried no medications at all. Yes I use moisturizer and a special soap from the drugstore that my doctor told me of. Yes I dont eat sweets/chips/chocolate/ice-cream/nuts. Yes I eat healthy and I use sunscreen EVERYDAY. Yes I clean my makeup brush. Yes I always wash my hands before touching/applying anything to my face. Yes I am very strict with my skincare routine.
I think a lot of people with acne can sympathize with this. We are not unclean people who never wash our faces. In fact we are probably the cleanest people you will ever meet.

So this is me dear acne.org. I have lived with acne for almost 10 years, both on my face and my back. I am still young, although my brother who had worse acne than me still gets a good amount of breakouts especially on his back. And he is 32 soon. I should be used to acne, I have lived with it most of my life, but I tell you it never gets any easier. Not for me at least. Maybe its because I saw how it could be without acne. Having an entire year with no troubles. Oboy.. I know its not gonna disappear in the near 3-4 years. I know Im gonna continue to feel awful and try and fight through this depression. Maybe I should open up to my friends a bit more.
I have to confess it feels better to have explained it all, it does ease the pain if just for a bit. Maybe some of you feel the same way?
Well this is me, signing out for now.

Regards,

Just another victim of genetic acne