How can a disease that is not terminal, non life-threatening, and doesn't make you sick, be absolutely devastating and life-crippling at the same time??? Is it me? Am I not strong enough? Do I not have enough self-worth and confidence to hold my head up?
All I feel is ashamed and embarrassed, and it's two-fold: I feel ashamed in my appearance, but also completely narcissistic that I have the gall to think that so many people will focus on me. Like they would stop and stare, then talk about it with their friends and say "oh my god, she was disgusting," or take pity on me saying, "poor girl, she would be so pretty if she didn't have such an ugly face."
In the media, we're bombarded with perfect-looking with perfect skin, but I also feel like I don't see anyone else, and my age (early/mid- 30's) that has this. I try not to be affected, but I am.
I have a cyst on my forehead the size of a small tumor right now. It hurts just to raise my eyebrows. My cheeks are riddled with intense bright red marks. Today, I actually pretended that I would like putting on a lot of makeup. I wake up with a new cyst every morning now.
Here's what I've done since this started (it's been one week): 100mg doxy, 2x/day last week. 25mg/day of Spironolactone last week, and finally I started my bc pills again. I'm upping Spiro to 50mg today.
How do you get through the day and ignore the stares and remain happy, or at the least, functioning? I'm thinking about an anti-depressant. I feel like a freak. I feel guilty for feeling so bad about something to trivial.
How do I pretend like I don't care...or how do I keep fighting a battle that looks like it will never end?
Posts like yours are really heart wrenching.I can feel how distressed you are because of your current predicament. In fact i am in the same situation as yours.I feel shameful sometimes that i let a puny skin disease namely acne to cause mood swings in me.A few blemishes and scars on my face plays with my confidence and ruins my day.Am i so weak?...
Acne stymies me.I can't get to live like others.I have developed certain complexes which manifest themselves in the form of anti-social behavior.
I get regular stares by people in my college.I don't know why they stare.Is it because of my scars? Active acne? Or because of my seemingly dismal countenance?...It's a mystery for me.But it's disturbing.I tend to ignore it but every now and then it saddens me deeply.But i cannot help it.I cannot ask people to not stare...And this gives rise to a feeling of desperate helplessness.It throws me in a downward spiral.The entire day becomes gloomy.
To battle this empty/sad feeling in the class and college iv'e started to carry a book with me.So whenever i am free i read my book instead of sitting idle and looking here and there.It really helps me.It actually heals me.It's pure catharsis.
Another habit of mine which you may find absolutely ludicrous is not wearing spectacles.I have myopia.Iv'e seen when i don't wear my spectacles i am happier.Because i miss unnecessary details which only bring unhappiness to me.Like i can't register faces of people very far away ,so even if they stare at me i don't give a shit because they are invisible LOL. I know this may sound really dumb to you but it's my solution 
And don't give up . Your perseverance will be rewarded
I am sorry for what you are going through, it seems like your in a helpless position, something that the majority of us can relate to in some way or another. Firstly acne is not trivial a trivial problem, it is just as phycological as it is physical- so don't feel guilty about this condition. I highly recommend seeking a dermatologist and GP to discuss other medications (which i take you have already done) if you are not having any success with the current medications you are using. Have you looked into the regime yet also?
I also highly recommend looking into anti-depresants. If you are feeling depressed then there is no shame or stigma about addressing this formidable condition, and i have seen first hand the improvement in quality of life they can bring. However, you need to stay positive and know that you can overcome this condition, because you can.
As much of a curse as acne has been to me, and the constant miscarriages of hope i have experienced, i also thank it. A lot of people relate to acne the way people see them, however it has enabled me to accept people for who they are and look beyond superficial layer that we are all bombarded with. I believe it has helped me become a better person and take comfort in knowing this. At the end of the day we are all united in our differences no matter how big or small.
I share the exact same feelings as you. I used to have such gd skin that I thought I was immune to acne. Things started spiraling downwards a year ago when I picked at my closed comedones. Now I have a whole cheek of closed comedones and I feel diseased. I hated looking at myself in the mirror so much now. When it started, people started asking me what happened to my face and it really sucks you know, because you have to explain everything right from the start.
The more self-conscious I became, the more I closed myself up. I had a friend who had cystic acne on her entire face and had it twice told me that no one actually stares at your face when they talk. They stare at your eyes! And the lack of self-confidence you have just makes u less attractive. I find that makes a lot of sense. I come from a tropical country where acne affects many people but now I'm in Japan. Can you imagine the amount of embarrassment I had to deal with everyday here? I cannot literally see people who has pimples here. I kept on thinking like this. I'm on differin now and my skin has gotten worse before it will start getting better.
Now I tell myself this everyday just to pull it through. If it's worst now, it can only get better. Treat this as a lesson learnt. Be grateful for your acne because if people leave you because of how you look then you know that they aren't true. Really, it can only get better if you are already at the bottom! Take control of your acne, don't let it control your life.
Posts like yours are really heart wrenching.I can feel how distressed you are because of your current predicament. In fact i am in the same situation as yours.I feel shameful sometimes that i let a puny skin disease namely acne to cause mood swings in me.A few blemishes and scars on my face plays with my confidence and ruins my day.Am i so weak?...
Acne stymies me.I can't get to live like others.I have developed certain complexes which manifest themselves in the form of anti-social behavior.
I get regular stares by people in my college.I don't know why they stare.Is it because of my scars? Active acne? Or because of my seemingly dismal countenance?...It's a mystery for me.But it's disturbing.I tend to ignore it but every now and then it saddens me deeply.But i cannot help it.I cannot ask people to not stare...And this gives rise to a feeling of desperate helplessness.It throws me in a downward spiral.The entire day becomes gloomy.
To battle this empty/sad feeling in the class and college iv'e started to carry a book with me.So whenever i am free i read my book instead of sitting idle and looking here and there.It really helps me.It actually heals me.It's pure catharsis.
Another habit of mine which you may find absolutely ludicrous is not wearing spectacles.I have myopia.Iv'e seen when i don't wear my spectacles i am happier.Because i miss unnecessary details which only bring unhappiness to me.Like i can't register faces of people very far away ,so even if they stare at me i don't give a shit because they are invisible LOL. I know this may sound really dumb to you but it's my solution
And don't give up . Your perseverance will be rewarded
Is it possible that people are staring at you because you stare at them first? What I mean is maybe someone looks at you and there's nothing in it. You, however, are a little paranoid so you look back. They think, what's he looking at? and stare back at you. Dunno, but people vary rarely stare at other people even if they do have acne and scars.
People stare. Not all of them, but I've had nurses AT the office stare. How do I know? Because I'm minding my own business, look up, and this jerk is just gawking. I just had three or four injections and those are VERY noticeable. He immediately put his head down when we made eye contact. I assure he wasn't staring because he thought I was hot (hahaha). I've had family look at the scabs while talking to me. You see their eyes shift down to your chin. They think we don't notice but we do.
That all being said, I do think the acne sufferer is more sensitive to how his/her face appears to the world than how it actually looks. But I understand that. Having perspective on this, especially if the acne is severe (cystic, nodules), is so difficult. A whitehead? a blackhead? Psh. NOTHING. I say this because I have had close to 30 CYSTS on my face in the last 3-4 weeks. I'm not kidding. It's never been this bad. All because I stopped BCP's. I don't even know how to put makeup on some of these suckers. It's a wound, not a pimple at that point.
Every day is a fight, and every day I try to say I hope it gets better tomorrow. The unintended consequence for me is weight loss because I have no appetite, and I've become so worried certain foods are causing it, I've restricted my diet to an extreme. Finally, I think a part of me subconsciously wants to "disappear" and fade so the smaller I get, I hope I will disappear into the background and no one wll notice me.
Thanks to everyone for the responses. Keep fighting and try not to lose hope.
I have over the course of one year, having to suffer with nodular acne in random parts of my face (as many as 10-20 medium to large size) I have developed a habit of not looking at people in the eyes to redirect the angle of my face to the best possible one at all times. I want to give up too. Looks worse right now cuz I started accutane one month in I just got three new nodular acne 2 days ago. Great. You naturally get narcissistic when u developed acne I agree... Feels like everybody is looking at u at least once. I can't ride elevators with multiple ppl. Good thing I don't ride public transit I drive to work so that's clear but yea.
