Hello all,

I am so sick of getting clear skin, regaining my life and confidence and then having it all go to shit because of my acne. I am 30 years old and feel like acne has played a huge role in my breakups because I slowly change as my acne gets worse and worse. I become someone other than the guy they first met and fell for--who I really am. When I am clear I am totally confident, love to go out and be in front of people, smile, laugh, and love who I am. I may get the occasional pimple here and there but nothing that fucks me up. Until...I start getting the big fuckers which hurt, spread, and leave a trail of shit skin in their wake. In all of my relationships this process has happened and I really feel as though it has played a huge role into my breakups. Anyone else feel like this happens to them?! I have lost girls that I absolutely loved with all my heart because of the unhappy person I become. Don't get me wrong, I still go out, laugh, and put on a front, but my spark is totally gone or off. I wonder what my life would be like all the time...the person I would be....if I would have been blessed with good skin...not even great skin, just good skin. Makes me sad to think about because I have been to that promised land and its SOOO awesome. I dated a girl for two months recently and we just went our separate ways...my skin went to shit. I really liked her but didn't want to hang out and when we would, I would just be off no matter how much I played like I wasn't (insecurity is a relationship nuclear missile). Rather than have her remember as an acne freak I pulled away and quit talking to her. I heard from her friend she was really sad that I quit calling her However, I decided I am going to take a full course of accutane at my full dose per body weight (I have taken it a few times before but not for that long and not too high of a dose). I am 18 days in and my skin is starting to purge. I hope my IB ends soon because it really sucks (you can follow me on my accutane journal if you want). This is really going to be my final battle with my persistent acne. I know these next 6 months (closer to 5 now) are going to be hell but am hoping that once I get through the first three months my body will adjust to the higher dosage, my skin will be clear, and I will just have to deal with the severe dryness. About a month after each time I quit taking the drug my skin filled out again and looked absolutely amazing...it was almost like I was given new skin since I shed so many layers off. It will be Spring when I am done and am looking forward to next summer when I my skin looks awesome (hopefully) so I can meet a girl, put a ring on it, and then trap her so she'll be stuck with my ass if my acne returns hahaha. Please share your experience with relationships and acne...I want to know I am not alone. However, please don't give me that crap about how beauty is on the inside....I have heard all that shit before and just don't want to hear it and will probably leave a nasty comment back if you spew that crap on my thread. Nor do I want to hear crap about "if she really liked you she wouldn't care" because this isn't about them...its about me and yeah there are other reasons why my relationships have failed but I KNOW the largest reason is because of my insecurity with my acne. Lets be real...when you have a disease the eats your face off...those words don't fucking help me...just words of understanding so I don't feel so alone (everyone I know and see seems to have great skin).