Note: So...I wish to have interactions with you. Ideally, lovely internet ones. I also started a blog about this, but obviously the forums are where it's at. Hence the repeating myself (I've paraphrased the blogs below).
INTRO TO MYSELF AND MY SKIN
- Myth: I used to think I'd grow out of acne. It started at age 11, got cystic once I hit my twenties. So I did my first round ( I wish I'd kept better track of now that I'm doing another round, seriously, everyone who lacks motivation should keep a log in case you forget all the meds you've taken and the particularities of your reaction to the drug) which led to about only 6 months of clear skin.
- Self esteem: I like to think I'm a confident young woman, hell I walk around without make up sometimes. I also think of my acne as a dear, close, douchey friend who hangs out and will never leave. Everyone tells me I should get rid of her already and all I can say is that "I tried, she just won't leave me alone!". She's bitchy and flares up, sometimes it feels like she's got PMS. She also is not happy only occupying one place, she likes to spread out all over...my face, my chest, my back, and BONUS my arms and legs! I can't tell when people are paying attention to me or her, but at least I've figured out how to make up my face to minimize her interruptions.
- Accutane specs: I did my first round at age 21, 40mg, 6 months in 2008 with a kind and considerate dermatologist who called me the poster child for accutane and made me hate myself for the moments I was in his office. Recently I remembered how ugly my skin is and decided to get a derm to check it out again. The first one took a whole 2 seconds to say "accutane is the only cure for you, here's a pamphlet, I don't have time for you and your concerns, come back when you want the drug" and then shooed me away. Finally, I got a last minute appointment with a lady derm I'd heard about, she listened explained that I had options, but again...that accutane was probably the most likely to cure me. Finally, a trustworthy doctor! So I asked and received a 40mg perscription for Clarus at age 26, ~96 lb or 43 kg, female and fed up. No doctor has ever needed any convincing to put me on this drug...which makes me believe...that maybe I'm not moderate-severe...but plain severe with a few moderate breaks.
- What I've done: lots of topical stuff, retinoids, bp, aha, sa, toothpaste, my sister smearing a weird mask of honey, live bees, cumin and gram flower all over my face, alternative medicine -osteopath, cutting dairy, cutting sugar, cutting wheat, adding water, adding avocados (avocados are the bomb - they really help cut redness/inflammation), seeing shaman, prayer, patience, The Regimen (which I'd used as a maintenance tool for like...3 years), Paula's Choice (which is way faster and better for make up wearers than Dan's stuff, though he's way cheaper).
- Does anyone else ever wish acne was a super power? Like, if there was just a tiny bit of usefulness to this issue...sigh.
Here are some low quality pics from a while ago (late March) I had like...8 ish deep cysts at the time so I decided to take awkward pics!
DAY 3
GENERAL: My skin had cleared up a little right before starting my course because my first derm had given me antibiotics and they'd begun working quickly (I think, that or it was the mountain of avocados I ate or like my hormones clearing my skin so as to attract a mate).
MIND: I've already let everyone know that I am prone to moodiness on this thing and hopefully it won't be like that this time.
OILY/DRY : normal levels all over my T zone, i.e. very oily. Hands/feet are dry cause it's cold out. I'm kinda glad the timing is such that I won't have much skin showing and won't be out in the sun for the full range of the course.
SIDE EFFECTS: I think I'm having joint aches. In my elbow. Mind you I went on some walks and it was cold...but pretty certain this is joint ache. Also pretty worried because it feels too early? I thought I would have my IB and then have the joint pain?
WORRIES: As Canadian as I am, I'm paying for this myself cause I'm currently job hunting and have no drug insurance. At least the doc's visits and the blood tests are free. But, I'm afraid it won't work. I wish I'd taken more photos from the last time...but I don't know how well this drug did for me. I'd heard 2 rounds would be enough, but now I'm not so sure. Also, all this talk about remission not meaning cure, makes me wonder if I'll just get a taste of nice skin and then boom, it'll be back. I feel like I'm back on this thing out of desperation, but there's no real hope.
QUESTION: I wanted to get back into strength training but don't know if I might just mess joints up or something, anyone have any tips? I haven't properly exercised for some years so I will be building up from the bottom again.
Some current face pics.
Left side, currently have a small-medium node? Otherwise, everything is just slumbering under the surface. Personally...I find my face pretty clear. Sadly, so many scars.
Right side, also scarred up. Again, I can feel stuff under the skin but...none of it should be showing up for a while.
The nausea is normal for the first couple of pills, so dont worry.
My skin also used to be extremely oily in the t-zone. After Accutane the general oilyness of my skin died down, but my t-zone tend to get a little oily still, but nothing like it used to be.
Good luck with your course. 
The nausea is normal for the first couple of pills, so dont worry.
My skin also used to be extremely oily in the t-zone. After Accutane the general oilyness of my skin died down, but my t-zone tend to get a little oily still, but nothing like it used to be.
Good luck with your course.
Thanks igotyouu! Yeah, I'd hoped that my previous round would prevent the nausea (I actually don't recall having this as an issue the last time). My fingers are crossed that I'm one of the lucky few who never have to take this again.
DAY 6
So glad I started on the 1st, makes these logs easy for the first month. Anywho. Gotta call my derm about the strength training, gah, forgot. Which is really worrying me. I've been forgetting a lot of stuff...but again, it was from prior to the tane.
OILY/DRY: Face feels less oily in the T zone, normal level dryness on the hands, etc. Simply waiting for that terrible dry period.
ACNE; Erm, have had like 3 large angry pimples (cyst style) on my right shoulder, and back (upper left and lower back). Since I'm doing zero face BP or SA I have the normal small pimples showing on my face maybe like...5 ish, mostly the chin area. I have the normal constant white heads all over.
MIND: having these spear like headaches. They go away with water, of which I drink a lot.
Sigh, now that I'm on these meds all I wanna do is get blind drunk.
DAY 9
DRY SKIN: all over face and lips. Makeup is getting hard to apply due to the shedding. Though, I do get a tiny bit of oil by the end of the day.
ACNE: Yep, little pimples mostly. Larger ones pop on their own ish.
SIDE EFFECTS: nada cept dryness. I'm moisturising and lip balming but I'm always thirsty.
Pics from...yesterday? Early morn after washing face. *** Not that anyone cares...all these pics are post face washing...so, yeah, my hair looks greasy to me, it's just wet. Haha.
DAY 16
OHHH. Lips so dry and I'm slowly rubbing all the skin off the face. Augh, I have to stop touching it. Also, pretty sure it's flaring in conjunction with my period but not positive. It could be IB.
- Super Dry lips
- Face peeling and general body dryness
- Cysts...augh, and a bunch of pimples of the white/puss type all around the mouth (normally I don't get these due to religious bp...but, sigh, cannot)
- Major muscle aches and pains from like...sleeping wrong? All over.
QUESTION: Not that anyone cares, but I had like...major insecurities as to whether i really needed accutane or not (again). Not to, um, belittle the acne of others on this site, but I believe I have a weird concept of my acne. In that I never seem to think it's that bad. Until it's like alien on my face bad. And it really weirds me out when I find a post with pics and I'm all...whoa whoa there! That's my good day! shit, I'm supposed to be worried about my good day???..For example, the below is my "quarter-bad" but like...it's like this for about half the month every month. There seem to be MAJOR variances to what people consider bad.
1 Neck Cyst (right), some on the cheeks (both, more on the right) and some cysts on my left temple.
I have the same problem with figuring out how "bad" or "good" my acne is in comparison to others, and dermatologists are certainly NO help in that regard! In my research, I find that acne itself is VERY psychological. Not in the "You need to stop worrying about it because anxiety makes it worse and if you just calm down about it and stop worrying it will go away" kind of way (Not sure if I'm alone here, but when people say that it makes me want to punch them HARD), but in the sense that the relationship between the actual severity of acne and how severe WE think it is, is very low (if you google scholar Ane vulgaris and emotional trauma, you'll see what I mean).
You seem very positive about your acne, but I am of the full opinion that we simple CANNOT trust what we see in the mirror. Which is what sucks about the fact that dermatologist seem to love the "I'll treat you but I won't diagnose you" game. If we cant trust what WE see, and we can't rely on the professionals telling us what is reality, how the F are we supposed to know how "bad" or "good" it is?!?
Also, I know that when I look at pictures of myself from when I was less broken out, I think "Oh man, I would be so happy if I could just look like THAT again", but then I remember how AWFUL I thought my acne was then! It's all subjective. I am preparing to go on Accutane in a month, and I went back and forth on that same topic with myself. But you know, I don't want to deal with this anymore. And the idea that I will look back on how I look now and think "Oh man, if only I could look like THAT again" scares the SH*T out of me. Sorry for the rambling response, I hope at the very least you see that people (at least me) can DEFINITELY relate to how you feel.