(move this thread if it doesn't fit here, just didn't know where it would go)

Well, it's been a long time since posting here, but I have been thinking a lot, especially since I'm unemployed due to COVID19 and usually the thoughts rush since I also suffer from chronic insomnia. For those who don't know, I've suffered from painful body acne for over half of my life (and severe facial acne in my early teen-early 20s) and since it's due to genetics doctors and dermatologists don't know how to help me and they're so clueless that all they know how to do is prescribe the dangerous accutane, antibiotics that don't work and useless topicals(don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those anti-medical anti-vaxxer types yet I also don't think many doctors are as smart as they present themselves as especially dermatologists) and that pretty much ruined my teenage-young adult life. After a LOT of wasted money and wasted time trying endless diets, pills, soaps, topicals etc. I SOMETIMES have days where my back is clear yet when it's bad I get bad unpoppable ones that are literally painful and feel like lying on a bed of nails.

I spent a lot of time hating myself, cursing myself, my genes, the world... I'm not good at ANYTHING (well much less anything I even sorta enjoy doing) andall I've EVER had is acting (the closest thing I have to a "natural" talent) singing and comedy. Because of this acne, I feel it IS a Dream-Crushing Handicap of sorts... probably the worst one out of my MANY flaws (I'm a 5'3 male, ugly unmanageable hair, weird looking head that's too big, 3-time dropout due to many learning disabilities, low energy level and not robust at all, bad immune systemetc.) that made me VERY ugly externally.I haven't been happy a single day during or anytime after puberty and haven't had a SINGLE moment in my life where I loved being me and didn't want to be somebody else... and I still hold to that I shouldn'tve been born. I hated (and still hate) me, and most (even my closest family members) want/wanted me to spend my life as a doormat doing what THEY want/wanted me to do, getting almost NO encouragement for the only few things that make it worth getting out of bed for... My life was ruined.

However, getting to the point, even though acne essentially stole everything from me and doomed me to an empty, lonely existence, it ultimately is MY FAULT for letting it do it. To the young ones out there still struggling with their acne, take it from me... DO NOT LET IT WIN. Do not make my mistake! Yes, do what you can to heal it if you feel you must but DO NOT LET IT WIN. Hell, pretend it doesn't even exist if that's all you can do. I used my acne and the cruel comments from even MY OWN FRIENDS (that caused me to think of my other flaws, domino effect) and felt demotivated and didn't even TRY for auditions, to sing for a band, tell jokes on stage etc. due to FEAR of rejection. Didn't even ask a girl out on a date once either. I regret it ALL... yes, there IS some security in "playing it safe" and rejection can be SUPER painful or even soul-destroying BUT from experience the slow-burn of regret hits SO MUCH WORSE. I would've rather the industries all coldly rejected me and even insulted me personally, ended up dying penniless and starving in some Skid-Row gutter or in some broke ass trailer in Slab City... if that meant I at LEAST gave it my all. I would've rather asked those ladies I fell forout (or at LEAST confessed to them if it felt hopeless) than gazing at them from afar too afraid to even say anything to them because even if they rejected me and it mentally devastated me and shattered my heart at least I'm not torturing myself with the question "What if?"At least I would've been DOING things that made me feel ALIVE and WITH LOVE AND PASSION. Instead, I let the fear consume me and like was said in Dune "Fear is the mind killer."

So, if YOU have a dream that you won't act on because of acne on your face or body or both and feel it's hopeless or even simply want to ask that crush out... I say DO IT ANYWAYS! TRUST ME! Even if you want to model, I dare say GO FOR IT! The world NEEDS more people like you; who CARES what the vapid, shallow Hollywood standard of beauty says?! How much of us (whatever gender) naturally really fit that ideal anyways?What does clear skin have to do with talent, persistence, dedication anyways? NOTHING! There is literally NO LINK between looks and talent. NONE. What if people gave up so easily due to what the status quo says are shortcomings? Christ, there'd be no plus-size models orspecialolympics for example and to a less-dramatic extent there'd be no PUNK ROCK. It's TRUE, because then the Ramones, The Clash and Sex Pistolsinstead of doing what they dowould be struggling or sulking away in the corner that they aren't as musically proficient as Led Zeppelin or Yes (don't get me wrong though, those are 2 of my favorite bands.) If enough people stood up and fought against the discrimination that people with cystic acne face and say "the buck stops here" with the disrespect, awareness can be had and we'd be one step closer to getting rid of the stigma against acne. I think it's sad that it's one of those things people don't really think about since it doesn't affect them or they don't have it... kind of like being a shorter male but I'll stop and digress here for now.

I just wanted to post something of inspiration here for once, after a lot of bad life experience and reflection. Be you and grab life by the horns!