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(posted this in the wrong place before, mods please remove this?)
I've been lurking these forums for a long, long time... I've had acne since I was 11 (I'm 21), and it's almost completely gone now. I'm still dealing with some non-permanent scarring and some last left overs. I can cover it up fairly well with makeup. I hate it and it makes me feel fake.
My acne was moderate. I had it all over my face, neck, back, arms (all the way down to the elbow) and at some point even thighs (outer part and back). It's didn't look too bad, but it was everywhere. I hid throughout my teens, didn't have many friends, endured bullying from my family, peers, strangers, etc... I know the whole thing. I tried nearly everything save for Accutane because I was afraid of the side effects.
Now with my acne mostly gone, I still have some dark pigmentation that is disappearing. Thing is, the better my skin gets, the more depressed I feel. Not that I felt fine or even remotely close to it in the past, but now... I don't know. I guess that once you go through that you never look at people the same way. All the emotions you've been repressing over the years come out.
I used to wonder about people who became severely depressed or suicidal when they went on Accutane or even after they quit it and thought it was likely a side effect, now I think I understand. There's things you can't shed, unlike your skin.
How do you deal with this? You can't help but think about every person who comes close to you "had it been a while ago, you wouldn't even look at me", or "I can't tell this person what I went through, they'll think I have self esteem issues". I'm trying not to make this too depressing, but you get the point. It's the anger you feel when you've been made to feel abnormal during that part of you life where you are supposed to be going out, making friends, having fun, but instead you are hiding from people as much as you can so you can feel a shred of comfort, having no cool stories to tell, it's also the crushing loneliness of knowing no one gives a shit and realizing what a fragile thing looks are and how much of people's relationships are based on them.
You may look normal now, even be good looking (I'm told I am), but once you've experienced certain things it's hard to go back. Thoughts?
I completely understand you... I am also 20 and have had acne (and unfortunately still have) since I was 11. I have been on Accutane twice and thought that I would stop feeling depressed, but I have not;not before, not during Accutane or any other treatment and not after. I have realized what you just wrote, it doesn't matter if your skin is clear now, you know that things would be different if it wasn't, just because of acne. I clearly remember all the comments people havemade about my acne, and how differently they acted the only few months my skin was clear after Accutane. It's ridiculous how yourlook may make you look completely different to others, while being inside the same person who has been trying to hide her face during half of her life.
You are completely right, it's hard to go back or just toignore what you've gone through 🙁
@primula I'm still dealing with a few scars but I'm confident they'll go away... they are coverable. The issue is that wearing foundation makes me feel like a fake and those scars, even if there aren't a lot, are like... if I ever were to take my makeup off they'd be visible and what would be visible wouldn't be just the scars, it would be all my shitty teenage and pre-teen years, the bullying, everything, written all over my face. What's the point of trying to socialize and be normal if your scars follow you around? Again not trying to make anyone feel depressed. Just how I feel.
The whole situation with my skin is the physical embodiment of all my psychological insecurities, if that makes sense. I'm not entirely unconvinced there isn't a psychosomatic element to my acne too.