Hi there, let me begin by introducing myself. I am a 21 year old male whose has suffered from moderate - mild acne for roughly 5 years. What i am about to express, I have never told, spoke aloud or even discussed with anyone. No family, no friends, no peers, nobody apart from if necessary a GP or dermatologist. Let me give you an insight to how acne can destroy you mentally and hopefully people can read this story, relate to it but not follow in my footsteps and find/try solutions rather than wait for nothing.

Well, I first started getting what I would call 'individual pimples' when I was about 15-16 (2012), which is about the age where puberty began to peak for me. Let me say I was a confident kid at that age, life was all about partying with your mates, pulling girls, getting absolutely sloshed drunk, going to the gym and basically more girls. I began getting maybe 2-4 pimples on my forehead, nothing too major, I remember my mum and sister pointing out "woah look at your forehead" as they were amazed to see i had some pimples brewing.

As the months progressed my what I would call 'spots or individual pimples' began to expose themselves, I was not self conscious about them nor did I even bother with them. They were manageable and there was only 1-3 of them at a time. As I began to get older around the age of 17 I started to regularly experiment with drugs, such as ecstasy or it's more concentrated sibling MDMA, LSD, DMT and most of all marijuana. I became a heavy pot smoker and that is where my skin started to spiral downwards.

I found myself with cystic acne all over my face, now I know people will say "oh it's obvious weed made your skin shit so why not just quit?", well I should mention the way and how I smoked it, I smoked it with a bong and with tobacco, if you've ever smoked weed with tobacco through a bong, it's a different type of high. You don't really even smoke the combination to get high, you smoke it for that immediate hit of what I call 'the boof'. The only way I can describe it is for someone who inhales their first ever cigarette and gets the fuzzy, dizzy, head spin feeling.

Well I became addicted to that feeling and was constantly smoking, regardless of how my acne was and with constant usage comes a tolerance, I began smoking more which resulted in spending more money, becoming more desperate and being in a constant foggy head space. I was baked all the time, I started rationing out my buds strategically, started mixing 60% tobacco, 40% buds, just to get that feeling. I knew in my head I had a problem, I was waking up at 2am in the morning, having a cone, 5am cone, before work cone, coming home cone, cone before the shower, 2 x cones before bed.

When your constantly high, your mind is in overdrive, you can assess situations in your head and panic, you can over think things, you can literally be a zombie. I began to sub consciously develop a skin picking habit, now I am a skin type 3-4 meaning I suffer from pigmentation, brown marks that last anywhere from a week to a couple months, I would get high and just pick my face to make myself feel better by extracting the gunk from these acne cysts. My friends began to talk about my skin and all the marks, this was the first time I felt my self esteem and confidence destroyed. I mean, I knew I looked like shit, but to hear it physically was just heart breaking. Now before anyone says anything like "they're not your friends if they make fun of you", well it was a spare of the moment thing. We had finished up at a party and we were all drug fucked out of our minds having bongs and I said something that resulted in acne jokes hurled back at me.

It was then on that I told myself I would do something about my skin, I started researching tons of different shit online. Pimple remedies, prevention methods ranging from eliminating dairy, changing pillow covers, moisturising, exfoliating, chemical peels, diets, exercise, sunscreen, medications etc. I bought some shit and my skin got 10 x worse, I was so depressed and isolated, I then told myself, "I will not socially interact with anyone, no friends, especially no girls and only my family when I have to (still lived at home) until my acne was cleared. So I locked myself in my room, keep in mind I was still heavily smoking weed, with my bong on my shelf, my Xbox on and my curtains closed.

It was 2013 when I told myself I would make that, my skin was at its worst, I was constantly pale from smoking weed, had black lips from smoking everyday, I had a bad cannabis/tobacco addiction that was fuelling my acne (so I thought) and I was just stuck in this vicious cycle of weed, acne, pick skin, hibernate. I looked like shit, felt like shit, knew I looked like shit and was extremely isolated. Shit has gotten so bad I eventually managed to get in with a cosmedical skin specialist (mid 2013) who prescribed me some cream with retin a and some oral medication (minocycline). The stuff did nothing, I was back there 4 months later getting referred to a dermatologist. I was still heavily smoking every day, I went to the derm and he asked if I wanted to go on the almighty ACCUTANE. I happily accepted thinking this would be the cure finally.

It was 2014 when I first started taking accutane, I had the usual side effects, dry lips, dry skin, bit of back pain here and there, real thin skin etc. Now smoking in my case on this drug, resulted in me looking like a complete crack head. My skin tone completes changed to pale white and I'm brown skinned in complexion. The chapped lips, absolutely destroyed me as mine were not only chapped but black/purple in colour due to tobacco consumption. 3 months into treatment I decided to quit, the side effects were too much for me to stick with and it was either give up weed or accutane and I was heavily addicted to my smoking habit.

The accutane cleared up my skin I'd say, 80% I still had some pigmentation but rarely any active pimples. The next year and a bit (mid 2014 - late 2015) my skin was I'd say average, I had the occasional break out that resulted in a pimple or 2 or a cyst but nothing major. Since I was still smoking, I was still picking my skin, except I became extremely delicate in doing so. I bought one of those blackhead/pimple extractors and I would make a small incision in the pimple and press down to squeeze out the contents (think I just yacked writing that). I just did this to make myself feel better that it wouldn't scar up as bad in comparison to my fingers and it was a cleaner method of extracting. I was studying so it was compulsory for me to leave the house and go to uni, I knew I had to do it, I was also becoming more social again, I started going out with mates, pulling a couple girls, having fun as I'm meant to at that age.

I was meant to return to uni 2016, but chose to defer and find a job to work and save. My skin was also a big influence, since I was so self conscious about it I told myself I would not return to study until my skin became good as I couldn't risk having these emotional and mental thoughts while trying to study a degree. It would be to much pressure thinking about study while constantly worrying about my skin. So I worked full time, my acne slowly started to come back, my picking became more obsessive which resulted in more brown/pigmented marks, if only I didn't pick/pop my spots maybe they would be better? But I couldn't stand the thought of a raise bump being visible on my skin and the worst actually turning into a white head while I'm out. Again I was in this cycle of weed, acne, skin pick, hibernation.

I couldn't quit, I tried so many times, but I couldn't go out cause of the condition of my skin, so weed made the isolation and depression tolerable. I was able to go months without talking to people, let alone even physically seeing them. This mentality was driving me into the ground, so I said enough if enough I will book a solo trip overseas where the change of life style and head space and overall just new, unfamiliar environment will force me to change, so I booked a 2 week trip to Japan. The trip was just what I needed, I fought through the withdrawal symptoms and conquered my first weed free day in over 4 years. It was horrendous, I had hot and cold sweats, I began dreaming again about the most random shit, I completely lost my appetite, I had extreme insomnia. Shit was the worst...

After 5 days I began to feel better, my appetite came back, I was sleeping better, dreams returned vividly but were manageable. My skin started to clear all most instantly, I was 100% clear for the first time in ages. No blemishes, spots, brown marks, nothing. But then, half way into the trip, I started breaking out again, only with 2-4 spots nothing major and the rest was clear. Then I thought to myself, "was it smoking that was making me break out"? Cause I hadn't smoked at all but was breaking out exactly the same way. After my trip was ended I was home (Dec 2016). My skin started to break out again, I then slowly crept back to my old ways, same but different. No longer smoked through a bong and only smoked straight green weed no tobacco, the high was different. A lot more mellow, no addictive characteristics like the feeling of wanting more.

Before I know it boooom, back into old ways minus the tobacco, weed, acne, skin pick, hibernate. I literally never went out, I can think of over 100s of events In the past 2-3 years that I didn't attend just cause of skin, friends birthdays, family dinners, festivals, parties, literally the list is endless. My friends began to think something was wrong, that I'd necked myself and nobody knew or I was going through a heavy heroin addiction. I was a such a social/flirtatious person, who was suddenly isolated and confined to 4 walls. I'd just sit down, turn on my tv, watch whatever the fuck is on, eat food and just sleep. Hoping, praying my skin would get better.

It was now MAY 2017, my skin was still shit, I wasn't going out, couldn't remember the last time I socialised and I told myself "I can't keep on living my life like this, in complete isolation, I'm missing out on life, the thrill of it, getting high and just watching my years pass me by from 16 through to 20. I should be out there conquering the world, pouncing on any female that shows interest, but no. Here I am in bed watching game of thrones at 6pm on a Friday and Saturday night, this shit MUST change".

So back to the derm I went, my derms a real straight forward guy, doesn't pussy foot about. Always straight in and out, "hey doc, I want to get rid of my acne." "Okay here's some accutane prescriptions", my response "nah the side effects were too hectic". "Okay here's some doxycycline and duac". Always in and out within 5 mins. So off to the chemist I went to see how this stuff was going to go on my skin.

Tried the doxy and duac stuff, didn't do much. Just dried my skin out, then month 2 on it, boooom, big fat breakout. I decided enough was enough it's time to go on accutane again as much as I didn't want too, but this time, I will complete the full 6 month course. I saw him at the start of June 2017 and he told me to go through 4 boxes of tane. Now I have been living with my parents most of my life, but they have now moved interstate. I have been living by myself for the past 3 months, which made me feel a little better as I feel I was able to cope with the initial breakouts on tane without seeing ANYBODY.

However, that just made my isolation worst, I've gotten to the point where I don't answer the front door when it knocks wether it be my mates or anybody in that matter, I only do grocery shopping when my skin is clear, so if it's shit I will basically scrounge around for whatever food I can find in the house and make do until I have the courage to expose myself at the shops, i re watch tv series just to pass the time, I can't even get my drivers licence back yet cause I am unable to go in the licensing centre until my skin clears. I am completely isolated only communicating to people via social media, my main group of friends know that I never ever ever come out so rarely bother inviting me out anymore as much as I want to go out and socialise, I honestly turned down every party, social event I am invited to because I feel my skin is not at an acceptable level where I won't be self conscious about it.

I am now 2 months 3 weeks and 6 days into my second accutane journey, the isolation has been rough but it has made me mentally strong and tougher, I am no longer being afraid of being by myself, I could go months without physically/verbally seeing anyone (not sure if that's something to be proud of), it has taught me to be humble and respectful of others but most of it all has taught me to appreciate the company of others a lot more and to never take things for granted. For most or even I'd say majority people, this self induced isolated life style would drive them mad and I 100% agree. The only thing that has made it tolerable for all these years was the weed, it put me in a head space where time just passed by. Which was what I thought I needed for my skin to heal, but it never healed completely. So i was basically in a constant state of limbo, time was passing but I was not accomplishing or doing anything with the time passing.

The past 3 months have been an emotional roller coaster for me, the treatment has had its ups and downs, but I have learnt one thing and that was when I needed to catch public transport. I'd have my headphones in early morning, being in the anti social head space I normally am in at that time of the day, musics playing and I'm just generally scoping people on the train and it made me realise not everybody has perfect skin with absolutely 0% blemishes etc. Everyone has their own self conscious attributes and everyone is battling their own demons on the inside. If I can give any advice to anyone, it is to not let time pass you by as it did to me. I went from suddenly being 16 social butterfly to recently turning 21 years old and spending my birthday completely alone. Do something if you have a problem, and that isn't only aimed at skin issues, anything in general. If you have a problem, find a solution, don't just sit about and wait for shit to change. Get up and do something about it. I'm still young and unfortunately I feel as if I have missed the main chapters of my teenage youth due to skin problems but there is no way I will let it contradict my early adult life. Let's hope this tane course does the trick, upon actually completing it this time.

Should probably mention this accutane cycle it's not so bad second time round, I think it's because I know what to expect. I do not suffer from extreme acne, but I am a what I would call extractor, resulting in PIH and pigmentation. Let's hope for some clear skin these next few weeks/months but. Cheers to all those who actually took the time to sit down and read this long ass post but I figured it was about time I vent and finally put my thoughts into words for the first time.

PEACE N LOVE PEOPLE X