I made this post to give me a place to vent other than my husband, psychologist, psychologist, and dermatologist.

I'm having a bad day. I got sick yesterday. My little girl got sick today so I had to rush her to the hospital just to be careful. I didn't care how I looked when I got there I was worried about my little girl. After my doctor calmed me down and told me it's just a cold then it hit me I'm not wearing makeup and I am in my PJs. I couldn't look anyone in the eye after that. When I got home my little girl was sleeping so I put her in her cribe and sat in the chair in the room to look at her. I just hate that my looKs is the second most dominant thing on my mind day to day. First daughter. Second my looks. Third my husband. Fourth the rest of my family.
Because I am way too shy to post pictures yet let me give you the 411 on how I look right jow. Forehead, chin, cheeks, jaw, hairline, upper neck, upper chest, arms, back, shoulders, all densely populated with zits and spots. But that's not all, scalp, breasts, belly, vagina, thighs, butt, a few zits spots. If that wasn't enough I'm over three hundred pounds right now. My super greasy skin of course brings even more attention to the zits. Because my cold has my nose all runny my hands are too busy to bother my face.
I feel so ugly right now. I want to squeeze some of my zits before my husband gets home but I'm trying to resist the urge. He's been saying for years that he doesn't care that I have pus on my face. I know he's telling the truth. But I care. I want to be pretty for him and me and everyone else. In 5 years what will my daughter think of me if I don't get rid of my acne ? Even if I some how get rid of it about about the scars and bad texture ? It's hard to not let such thoughts enter my head. The thought that literally literally literally gives me nightmares is what if she gets it when she becomes a teen. Ever since I found out I was pregnant Ithat is a reoccurring nightmare. I remember on a Tuesday when I was 13 a girl who's name I remember but wouldn't say her name on the Internet asked me ew aren't you shamed off yourself. The worst part is I can give you literally hundreds of examples of that. I don't want my daughter or anyone for that matter to go threw that. I look at cute she is. Feel how soft her baby skin is. I remember how soft my skin was before acne. I almost decided to not have kids because of my skin.
My mom is 49 years old. When she's not wearing makeup you see scars. She still breaks out. My grandmother who is 64 years old is the same deal. The worst part is I had it much worst that them. My future is clear, irony pun intented. When my grandmother had come to see my daughter I almost cried when I saw her forehead. I don't know much about my dad and neither does my mom. The horrible part we know is he had bad acne when he and my mom made me and he was 12 years older that her. I'm genetically screwed but I hope my to the love of God that my daughter inherits more things from her father.
My acne affect so many affects of my life. Employment is one. I am a trained pre school teacher. I love children. I dread speaking to the parents, other teachers, which is why I never got a teaching job after going to University to get the qualifications. Going anywhere gets me looks. Sometimes comments. I even had gotten comments from a plumper once. Even people you hire can make comments about how I look to my face. I don't have a good relationship with my sister in law because she had went to the same high school. She's only two years older. She was horrible to me before and after me and her brother got together. At some point after years she started to say mean things only behind my back. So my acne has made my husband's relationship with his sister bad. It hurts me in so many ways.
But I have a daughter and a husband. Being a baby she doesn't have a problem with the way I look. My guy never had a problem with the way I look. Hope my looks will take a back seat to other things. My daughter is the most important thing in my life. My husband comes second. As long as my looks are not negatively affecting them, I will try to ignore it. I will try to ignore the jerks in this world. I will try to get fit. The last thing my daughter needs is terribly unfit mother. I keep my house clean. I use the internet. I wash TV. My guy bought me a new video game. I am nitting a hat for my daughter. Busy mom no time to worry about acne so I hope I'll eventually stop worrying about it.