Hey MissSac17,

First of all sorry you're feeling so down on yourself. I've been there, as I'm sure a lot of the members of this forum have, feeling trapped in your own skin and like nothing is ever going to make it better. Feeling like you have lost yourself sucks. Could I ask if you think that you're feeling this way exclusively because of the condition of your skin or something that runs deeper?

I've suffered with anxiety and depression and often pinned it entirely on my acne. I would imagine myself with clear skin and how outgoing and productive I would be, but I found that when my skin started to clear up after years of struggling, I was still left with the emotional scars and still searching for this person that I thought I would become with clear skin. I guess what I'm saying is I think human beings have a tendency to pin all their stress and worries on one small negative aspect of their lives, and put so much pressure on themselves to eliminate that small negative that it becomes all consuming and only makes matters worse.

When my acne was really severe, and I was crying every day and had developed a phobia of leaving the house; I wouldn't say I contemplated suicide too seriously, but I did fantasise about not having to deal with anything any more, and not having to think about it. I remember my mum would say to me 'At least you have your legs' and it drove me crazy because I thought she just didn't understand, but it kind of stayed with me, as a staggering reminder of the fact that I am lucky, and that my skin doesn't define me but my mental health certainly does.

Maybe this sounds like a depressing concept but I don't intend it to, I just think that mental health is not only incredibly important, but also intrinsically tied to acne, body image and how we see ourselves. I would stress that although it seems like a drastic step, if you feel like you have reached a point of real desperation, seeking medical help for your mental state might be a sensible step to take. I hope that I don't sound cold, I am just concerned for your wellbeing.

Anyway, I am here to talk even if you just need someone to listen and empathise.

Best of luck and try to keep your head up, you mentioned you have friends who love you, keep them close!

I'm sorry that I don't have anything to say that might be helpful to you, I just wanted to comment here so you would know that you're not alone. I understand the feeling of never feeling good enough. Four months ago, I prayed that if I only had perfect skin, I'd be happy nothing would hold me back ever again. Now that my skin has cleared up (with the exception of mild PIH) I am unhappy with how much I weigh, and now I realize I am always going to be unhappy unless I change the way that I think. Nothing external is going to change my opinion of myself, because all that stuff doesn't have anything to do with what really matters. Sure I want to be pretty and have a perfect body but what then? I'm going to be upset about something else and find a way to still be unhappy. I've spent such a long time focussing on my outward appearance, and perfecting that only to realize it didn't make me any happier. I've now resolved on doing things that make me happy, making friends, playing sports, taking dance classes, whatever it is that will help to grow my personality not help my looks, which in the end don't matter as much. 

This may be too personal but have you thought of talking to a therapist? I don't mean to overstep my bounds, but I really think it would help you to understand your feelings of helplessness and loneliness in a more proactive way so you can learn to deal with that. You don't have to go through all of this alone, really you don't. Talking to friends and family members can help but a therapist will give you the mental tools of dealing with issues that are underlying all your emotions, and give you more faith in yourself. 

Good luck and keep commenting  We're here to listen!  

6 hours ago, MissSac17 said:

Really I have. I am stuck and lost and running around in circles in my head and not leaving my house - which is interesting since I feel that I am my own worst critic yet worry what people think of me. I've berated myself and put myself down since I was 15 due to an incident which I shan't speak about. I've fought and beat anorexia, made it into a really good uni studying Nutrition - what I've always wanted to do - I've had good relationships and not so good/alright romantic aquantences (I have an awesome personality, hence the romantic endeavours), I have amazing friends and a lot of them who love me dearly, I've had many ups and downs with other shit but I'm still here. 

Yet, I'm not here. I've lost myself and it hurts. I've pushed people away unknowingly and regretfully.  My mind is riddled with a comprehensive knowledge on clearing acne but every single thing I have tried fucks up, loses its efficiency.  Ive had acne for nearly 15 years. I've been on a shit retinoid for 10 weeks with absolutely zero improvement,  I was previously on differin with semi-good results but wanted something stronger,  wanted perfection.  I'm a perfectionist. .. ever since my eating disorder. 

I've just lost faith guys, and as someone close to me said last night "your here physically but not mentally". I'm an inward thinker and I truly believe I am an ugly person on the outside  - probably came from a host of bullying in my early years.  

I'm not after sympathy, probably more empathy than anything else. I just wanted to write and possibly find someone on the same path and emotions. 

Are you trying the routine I suggested to you? It takes a few weeks, but it works. I've also added Zinc and fish oil pills which help a lot too. I've attached a before pic of my acne so you can see the difference. 

7 hours ago, MissSac17 said:

Really I have. I am stuck and lost and running around in circles in my head and not leaving my house - which is interesting since I feel that I am my own worst critic yet worry what people think of me. I've berated myself and put myself down since I was 15 due to an incident which I shan't speak about. I've fought and beat anorexia, made it into a really good uni studying Nutrition - what I've always wanted to do - I've had good relationships and not so good/alright romantic aquantences (I have an awesome personality, hence the romantic endeavours), I have amazing friends and a lot of them who love me dearly, I've had many ups and downs with other shit but I'm still here. 

Yet, I'm not here. I've lost myself and it hurts. I've pushed people away unknowingly and regretfully.  My mind is riddled with a comprehensive knowledge on clearing acne but every single thing I have tried fucks up, loses its efficiency.  Ive had acne for nearly 15 years. I've been on a shit retinoid for 10 weeks with absolutely zero improvement,  I was previously on differin with semi-good results but wanted something stronger,  wanted perfection.  I'm a perfectionist. .. ever since my eating disorder. 

I've just lost faith guys, and as someone close to me said last night "your here physically but not mentally". I'm an inward thinker and I truly believe I am an ugly person on the outside  - probably came from a host of bullying in my early years.  

I'm not after sympathy, probably more empathy than anything else. I just wanted to write and possibly find someone on the same path and emotions. 

You will beat acne too  

You write many good advice in here, it is super to have the ability to help others while still having your own problems to fight with.

I don't know your certain skin routine, but if you try and write it, then lets see if we can improve it (also the supplements you are taking) 
One of the mistakes I did back in time was i did too many things. I used vitamin c serum, BHA, face washes etc. It was too much, too aggressive skincare. A simple routine is the best one for acne-prone skin. 

But lets hear everything you are using atm, also what has worked best so far. If you can post pictures, even better.
 

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. it's a lonely place and I hate it. I'm glad I have this site to talk and write to. My life has become, I feel, pointless at the moment. 

@Ugurl - I hear what your saying about wanting clear skin and then always wanting something else, never feeling satisfied or happy. That's my life honestly. I know if it's not my skin, it'll be my weight even though I shouldn't worry about that, or it'll be an injury I'd focus on or my joint pains will be heightened. I've thought about therapy but I don't know who to go to, I don't really fancy asking my doctor. But it's something I must look into.

@Alex9945 - I understand all too well about using too many things at once. Here is my routine.

Morning: rinse with water
                 Apply bioderma sensiblio cleansing water (now replaced with Eucerin 3in1 cleansing solution)
                 Sometimes apply BP 
                 Dan's acne.org moisturiser (not all over my face because I'm sensitive to them)
                 Heliocare sunscreen gel

Night:    cleanse with Medik8 BHA foaming cleanser (recently bought cetaphil to try)
              I tried the zinc noble 2% cleansing bar recently too  since apparently that can help with folliculitus                which I think it could be but I feel it's done nothing and broke me out in papules on my back.
               Apply Isotrex (retinoid)
               Sometimes I'll not use Isotrex and use BP instead

I don't always moisturiser because I feel they make my skin worse I know that's bad though. I bought Cerave to try thinking it'd be fine but it definitely broke me out. I have dry/combination skin I think. 

In terms of supplements I take Turmeric and zinc Picolinate and recently a probiotic. I'm considering going on birth control pill. 

I don't take pics of my skin anymore, I hate to. It's very rashy looking and bumpy, kinda like pityrosporum folliculitus which I pray I don't have.
               
 

2 hours ago, MissSac17 said:

@Ugurl - I hear what your saying about wanting clear skin and then always wanting something else, never feeling satisfied or happy. That's my life honestly. I know if it's not my skin, it'll be my weight even though I shouldn't worry about that, or it'll be an injury I'd focus on or my joint pains will be heightened. I've thought about therapy but I don't know who to go to, I don't really fancy asking my doctor. But it's something I must look into.

It's such a cliched saying at this point that "We're our own worst critic" but it's so so true. We're always harder on ourselves than anyone ever would be. There was a point i didn't go anywhere without make up, seriously not even around family because I was unhappy with my skin, One day I decided to forego make up and something amazing happened, no one said a word about my acne. It was this moment I had built up in my head like omg I'm not gonna be wearing make up what will they think about my skin.. and seriously everything was just as it always was. That's when I started thinking, if I don't hold myself back, imagine all the things that I could do. If I just stopped doubting and putting limitations on myself, I could accomplish so much!. No one else even gets to tell me that I'm not enough, i keep saying it to myself, and that needed to stop. Surround yourself with positive people, pursue things that make you happy, and seek help. Life is too short to be anything less than completely happy.

3 hours ago, MissSac17 said:

@Alex9945 - I understand all too well about using too many things at once. Here is my routine.

Morning: rinse with water
                 Apply bioderma sensiblio cleansing water (now replaced with Eucerin 3in1 cleansing solution)
                 Sometimes apply BP 
                 Dan's acne.org moisturiser (not all over my face because I'm sensitive to them)
                 Heliocare sunscreen gel

Night:    cleanse with Medik8 BHA foaming cleanser (recently bought cetaphil to try)
              I tried the zinc noble 2% cleansing bar recently too  since apparently that can help with folliculitus                which I think it could be but I feel it's done nothing and broke me out in papules on my back.
               Apply Isotrex (retinoid)
               Sometimes I'll not use Isotrex and use BP instead

I don't always moisturiser because I feel they make my skin worse I know that's bad though. I bought Cerave to try thinking it'd be fine but it definitely broke me out. I have dry/combination skin I think. 

In terms of supplements I take Turmeric and zinc Picolinate and recently a probiotic. I'm considering going on birth control pill. 

I don't take pics of my skin anymore, I hate to. It's very rashy looking and bumpy, kinda like pityrosporum folliculitus which I pray I don't have.
               
 

You are doing many good things but i would say you could improve that routine.

Morning: rinse with water (use cold water only, also avoid getting too much hot water in yor face)
                 Apply bioderma sensiblio cleansing water (now replaced with Eucerin 3in1 cleansing solution) (the eucerin cleanser looks fine and simple)
                 Sometimes apply BP (BP is good, but have you tried Clindoxyl, it is Clindamycin, topical antibiotic, combined with BP = stronger and more effective. Much better than Epiduo)
                 Dan's acne.org moisturiser (not all over my face because I'm sensitive to them) (this is fine)
                 Heliocare sunscreen gel (looks good too)

Night:    cleanse with Medik8 BHA foaming cleanser (recently bought cetaphil to try) (BHA can be good, but it does not really help in a cleanser. Just use eucerin again here to avoid irritation)
              I tried the zinc noble 2% cleansing bar recently too  since apparently that can help with folliculitus                which I think it could be but I feel it's done nothing and broke me out in papules on my back. (cleansing bars can be too rough on the skin because of the PH. Try using a Konjac spong together with your cleanser on your body. Use AHA body lotion, for instacne from Alpha Hydroxy on eBay after cleansing)
               Apply Isotrex (retinoid)
               Sometimes I'll not use Isotrex and use BP instead (good idea, so you don't over-do it. I would though try to switch these two out with Clindoxyl.

To sum up: overall you are doing very good. I think your routine needs a weekly treatment with 25% lactic acid, you can buy this on eBay too. I'm doing it myself every week. It will benefit your skin more. The only AHA/BHA you have in your routine is the cleanser, which won't work because it is washed of too quickly. Lactic acid will help moisturize and balance your skin too. 

I'm not sure this helps, but give it a go if you feel the logic in what i'm saying  

On 5/19/2016 at 7:27 AM, MissSac17 said:

Really I have. I am stuck and lost and running around in circles in my head and not leaving my house - which is interesting since I feel that I am my own worst critic yet worry what people think of me. I've berated myself and put myself down since I was 15 due to an incident which I shan't speak about. I've fought and beat anorexia, made it into a really good uni studying Nutrition - what I've always wanted to do - I've had good relationships and not so good/alright romantic aquantences (I have an awesome personality, hence the romantic endeavours), I have amazing friends and a lot of them who love me dearly, I've had many ups and downs with other shit but I'm still here.

Yet, I'm not here. I've lost myself and it hurts. I've pushed people away unknowingly and regretfully. My mind is riddled with a comprehensive knowledge on clearing acne but every single thing I have tried fucks up, loses its efficiency. Ive had acne for nearly 15 years. I've been on a shit retinoid for 10 weeks with absolutely zero improvement, I was previously on differin with semi-good results but wanted something stronger, wanted perfection. I'm a perfectionist. .. ever since my eating disorder.

I've just lost faith guys, and as someone close to me said last night "your here physically but not mentally". I'm an inward thinker and I truly believe I am an ugly person on the outside - probably came from a host of bullying in my early years.

I'm not after sympathy, probably more empathy than anything else. I just wanted to write and possibly find someone on the same path and emotions.

Im sorry you went through this. I also had eating disorders, first anorexia then binges. I went from being very underweight to overweight in 2 years. I've lost a job possibly because I was not confident enough to be a good sales person. I have hormonal issues and I take anxiety meds.
I feel like WHY do I still have Effing acne?! And I feel guilty for allowing it to bother me so much.
Anyway I totally feel you. I've never had luck with any topicals, prescriptions or store bought. The only thing I can use is sea buckthorn oil or jojoba oil.

20 hours ago, snarkygirl said:

Im sorry you went through this. I also had eating disorders, first anorexia then binges. I went from being very underweight to overweight in 2 years. I've lost a job possibly because I was not confident enough to be a good sales person. I have hormonal issues and I take anxiety meds.
I feel like WHY do I still have Effing acne?! And I feel guilty for allowing it to bother me so much.
Anyway I totally feel you. I've never had luck with any topicals, prescriptions or store bought. The only thing I can use is sea buckthorn oil or jojoba oil.

I'm sorry you went through a similar eating disorder. I think they really set you up for a life long hateful outlook on your body and personal appearance, it seems my body dysmorphia has manifested to my face rather than my body.

Which anxiety meds do you take? I've been reading up a ton on them, and I used to be on Prozac (considering going on it again tbh), the things I read and in my own experience with Prozac.. things got better and even my skin got clearer. It seems that when you dampen down the stress/anxiety/worry you theoretically help control your acne - if stress is a contributor of course.

I've never heard of buckthorn oil!

On Saturday, May 21, 2016 at 11:10 AM, Ugurl said:

It's such a cliched saying at this point that "We're our own worst critic" but it's so so true. We're always harder on ourselves than anyone ever would be. There was a point i didn't go anywhere without make up, seriously not even around family because I was unhappy with my skin, One day I decided to forego make up and something amazing happened, no one said a word about my acne. It was this moment I had built up in my head like omg I'm not gonna be wearing make up what will they think about my skin.. and seriously everything was just as it always was. That's when I started thinking, if I don't hold myself back, imagine all the things that I could do. If I just stopped doubting and putting limitations on myself, I could accomplish so much!. No one else even gets to tell me that I'm not enough, i keep saying it to myself, and that needed to stop. Surround yourself with positive people, pursue things that make you happy, and seek help. Life is too short to be anything less than completely happy.

I understand completely what your saying, people really don't notice things as much as we do. I went back to work today after being off for 3 weeks due to a sprained ankle and a woman said to me 'Stacey your skin is looking good'. I was like 'hhuh? Your kidding me' lol. I don't believe her though. I never do Ugurl, I never believe anyone when they give me compliments or say I'm beautiful or anything.

I agree life is too short but im just in a place where I feel I need to have clear skin to be "accepted" which is actually ridiculous.

I have this motto that in used to say to myself all the time. "Life loves me". Its A mantra which I haven't voiced in a long time so I'm trying that again.

2 hours ago, MissSac17 said:

I'm sorry you went through a similar eating disorder. I think they really set you up for a life long hateful outlook on your body and personal appearance, it seems my body dysmorphia has manifested to my face rather than my body.

Which anxiety meds do you take? I've been reading up a ton on them, and I used to be on Prozac (considering going on it again tbh), the things I read and in my own experience with Prozac.. things got better and even my skin got clearer. It seems that when you dampen down the stress/anxiety/worry you theoretically help control your acne - if stress is a contributor of course.

I've never heard of buckthorn oil!

hi I had severe panic attacks. They started shortly after I had my tubes tied. There's something called post tubal ligation syndrome...messed up hormones. I take effexor 150 mg it works great for anxiety but almost too well...it makes me complacent. It caused first wight loss then weight gain. Bleh.
Sea buckthorn oil is good for a topical. It has linoleic acids. So does rosehip oil. I like the Sibu brand its never broken me out and helps your skin not to feel so angry.
I really think inflammation is behind acne and stress and eating disorders ate very bad for you.
Let me know how you're doing. I'm seeing a derm tomorrow.