Hey Danny Boy. I read this and related to everything you said all too well. I too have cystic acne and it just really fucking sucks. First thing I want to let you know is that it's not ridiculous to feel the way you do. I understand. Having uncontrollable/unmanageable cystic acne is completely dehumanizing. It shattered every ounce of confidence I ever had and sent me into the deepest darkest pit of depression I've ever experienced in my life (and I've battled with drug and alcohol addiction along with an eating disorder but acne has by far been the worst thing I've ever experienced). For a very long time I wasn't able to maintain eye contact with people. It was so hard to go to work. I was always on the verge of tears and felt so ugly I could barely force myself to leave the house. Couldn't even stand to be around my family. I don't go get my haircut cuz I have dark purple scars and red cysts all over my neck. It's been the darkest battle of my life and what makes it so hard is that it's plastered across my face so if I want to confide in someone about it, they get to stare right at my problem. There's nothing more humiliating. So, it's safe to say that I get what you mean. Completely. I'm a 23 year old woman who's been pretty attractive for most of my life. I used to have incredible confidence. But I've turned into a shell of my former self because of cystic acne and scarring. I have two raised scars on my chin that get more pronounced when I smile. Just adds insult to injury. Ive just now within the past month been experiencing a lift in my mood after an almost two year battle of not wanting to get out of bed. I noticed that most of the lumps under my skin had surfaced and healed and I hadn't got any cysts in a while. Still TONS of red marks and scarring but the simple fact of not having any inflamed cysts on my face really lifted my mood. Some people who don't understand what cystic acne does won't understand the emotional damage it causes but that doesn't mean it's not real. So just know that you're not crazy. After a while without new cysts I woke up with one on my chin this morning and I'm trying to remain positive about myself in general but I would be lying if I said it didn't affect my emotional state today. I've recently been able to look at myself in the mirror lately which is huge for me because for months and months I had to avoid it because it would make me cry. Seeing that red cyst today just fills me with terror that the progress I made will disappear and I'll break out like crazy again but hopefully if I keep doing what I'm doing it will be okay. The only thing that's helped me is a drastic change in diet to a whole foods mostly raw high carb low fat vegan diet. I finally started to see improvements after almost a year. It's worth a shot. I used to have at least three cysts on my face at all times and three on my neck. AT LEAST. Anyway I'm sorry for the wall of text. This is so long but I wanted to let you know you're not alone and maybe you could give veganism a try.

Also, I understand how hard it is to imagine yourself ever being in a trusting relationship but it's possible. I haven't dated this whole time cuz I'm ashamed of how I look but I know there are people out there who don't care about acne. I would totally date someone with acne because I get it. I'm sure you would too. There are definitely women out there who don't care about that kind of thing. You just have to truly believe it or else you'll never be able to trust anyone. I suggest talking to a therapist. I started therapy in December basically about my depression about my skin and it's helped me. If you're feeling that dark about anything at all you should get some professional help. There's no shame in that. And I know that it's so hard to deal with but just keep holding on. Hopefully you're accutane should start to work. I've read a lot of accounts of people who didn't start to see progress until the fifth or sixth month. If you've got a good doctor that you feel comfortable with it should be okay. Is your doctor going to increase your dose? I'd ask about that. Anyway, I hope this helps even a little bit because I know how badly you're suffering. Hang in there.

Hey Danny- I totally get where you're coming from. I actually had a really bad day self-esteem wise from my acne! I get it! I try and be as logical as possible with myself about my skin. I know we see ourselves worse than we are- especially true for you with your BDD. Hang in there my friend. This DOES get better. I personally have sought out counseling so I can accept my skin mentally.

Dear Danny and all others in similar situation:

Acne is famous for making people very miserable, but we should not let it control our life, especially given that there is a cure (isotretinoin) and given that we live in 21st century with many good treatments for scars (e.g. Fraxel laser, dermabrasion, chemical peels etc.).

Here are some things you can do immediately:

Be active, go outside, and please, please try to keep your chin up! I know you feel sad and lonely with your problem, but you have to keep on going, and do not hide!!! Hiding will make you feel worse. Here is the story my father told me from his high school days:

There was a pleasant freshman girl that had a horrible accident in her early childhood- she lost her right hand in the car crash. But guess what- she was not hiding it at all, actually she would gesticulate and wield that arm without hand in the air more than her normal arm. Other students subconsciously were therefore left with no other choice except to immediately and instinctively accept her situation as something normal, and not something to be ashamed of. She later on got married to one of the most popular boys and had a productive and happy life with four children. My father met her at the 10-year graduation anniversary dinner, and asked her how come that she had not been hiding her arm without hand. She simply answered that her parents instructed her not to hide her handicap at all, and to do just the opposite, to accept it like it is nothing. By doing so she made it to become nothing to her and to the others. In contrary, if she had started hiding it, everyone around her would have started feeling uneasy and uncomfortable being around her, and that would have ultimately caused her to end up being alone.

Isn't this the best way to deal with your imperfections? This story teaches us an important lesson: Things that seem to be out of our control (irreversible handicap in this case) are very much under our control, we just have to make the choice similar to the girls choice from the above story. You cannot control what happens to you but you can control how you react to it!

Therefore, if you are unhappy with your look due to acne, or due to any other possible perceived imperfection - you can control it, and you are not alone at all. Various studies and surveys in the U.S. and abroad show that 80-90% teenagers are unhappy with their looks. So power through with chin up, and live your life to the fullest! But again, you are NOT alone. If nothing really helps, then you should see a good psychiatrist who can help you tremendously.

Wishing you all the best and let's keep fighting acne together!

VTC