Hello all,

My name is Jen. I am about to turn 34 in a few months. I have been struggling on and off with mild acne since I can remember- probably around the age of 12 or so. In my middle to late teens I also developed BDD (body dysmorhia disorder). I've been on birth control pills since around the age of 16 because my periods were irregular. I am almost positive that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which probably explains why I still get mild acne despite being on birth control pills. I'm lucky that I am skinny but I have most of the classic signs of PCOS. (Acne, oily skin, what seems like more hair then most woman) I am terrified to get off birth control pills for fear of how my skin will react. I guess that means that I will more then likely never have children. The thought of never having kids is very depressing because I always envisioned myself as an amazing mom and I love being around kids.

Anyway, lately I have been struggling with my mild acne even more and to add to it I've been getting these ugly, red mysterious "eye bumps". I am pretty sure it is from allergies because they disappear very quickly (24-72 hours) but my skin really has me down. It caused me to have a terrible 4 day vacation down in Fort Lauderdale this past weekend. All that I could think about was my skin and if I was going to have a new zit on my face the next time I looked in the mirror. I think like this all the time. ;(

My world and life literally revolves around my skin (pretty sure this it my BDD). If I like how my skin looks then I am a happy, confident person. If I don't like my skin or I think I could be getting a zit then my day is basically ruined. I started off today pretty happy. I only have 1 zit on my face and 1 eye bump so I was feeling pretty good but when I looked in the mirror at work during lunch I saw what looks like a few pimples could be sprouting. This has immediately put me in a terrible mood. My stomach hurts. I am having silent panic attacks and I am anxious to get home so I can take off my makeup and see if my worst fear is reality. I sometimes think it would be easier to stop living then to go on with this mental torture but I have 6 persian cats, a husband and a loving family that need me.

I don't know why I felt the need to type this up. I have been dealing with some much emotional turmoil lately. It's my mind/thoughts that makes me to feel this way. I don't know how to change. I don't remember how I dealt with this before and healed myself from my evil thoughts. I'm loosing weight rapidly from all the stress and anxiety and I have a trip planned to Washington DC next week that I know I won't go on if my skin looks bad.