Thoughts

Hi all. This is my first post. I've read these forums before but have never felt the need to write myself, but today for the first time, I felt like I needed an outlet, and to reach out to those who may be able to relate.

I've suffered from acne for as long as I can remember. My father had it, as did his mother, and unfortunately it was also passed down to me. Although I've always felt troubled about it, I feel that now at the age of 24, the acne and it's subsequent consequences have become most apparent than ever. I do not believe that acne is the root of all my problems, but I do think that it is fair to say that it has largely contributed to flaws in my personality, and has been a large part of the person I have become today.

Today, I sit on a beach on a family holiday that I have come to. Everyone around me looks fairly comfortable as they sit in their bikinis, swimming leisurely in the clearest ocean water that I have ever seen before. Yet I am sat almost fully clothed under a tree, frustrated and somewhat jealous that I cannot be as free as them. My body is covered in scars, some old and some new, each representing years of suffering from acne. My back, arms, chest and face have led to feelings of embarrassment in the past, were I to wear loose clothes in public. Even in front of my family, I feel as though I cannot walk around in swimming clothes, or a sleeveless top, let alone being in front of friends.

I often think about what kind of person I might be, had acne had not been a part of my life. Perhaps more confident at university, perhaps more willing to meet people, and perhaps more open to the idea of relationships. Now, as my friends insist on going out, I often decline because I do not want to think about what to wear. If I have a meeting at work, I often stress myself out about doing my make up in such a way that makes me look presentable and covers my scars. When my friends talk about relationships, or my family encourage me to find someone for myself, I feel as though they do not understand that it is not because I do not want to, but rather because I have lost confidence and feel as though nobody will want to be with me once they have seen my body. Even to come to this holiday on the beach took significant convincing, as I knew I would not be able to walk around in minimal clothing like the others.

My family often criticise me for not looking after myself, or call me a tomboy for not being interested in my appearance or choice of clothes. Yet they do not understand that my interest is there, it is just hard to maintain given that I have so many limitations due to my scars. I see so many dresses and tops that I like, yet because i know I would not wear them, my interest fades. It is easier for me to brush it off as though I am not interested, than explain that it is instead because I feel embarrassed.

I live in thE UK and i feel as though our healthcare system does not take acne seriously here. It took me 7 months to get an appointment with a dermatologist, who prescribed me on roaccutane for one year. After this year finished, I was immediately discharged with no analysis of whether the medication has even helped, or how to maintain my skin or deal with the scarring. I was again left to figure it out myself. Since then, I have tried so many expensive creams and treatments which have not helped, and now that I am working, have decided to book an appointment with a private dermatologist, at a fee of 220. I know I will not be able to pay for many of the treatments he will suggest, but I am keen to find out what options I have for the future.

I didn't think that a disease such as acne could have this much of an impact on somebody's life but when I think about the person I could be, I can't help but feel frustrated. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that acne is the cause of all my problems, but it does have a significant role to play. In the past year I have also gained a lot of weight, and though not directly related to acne, I believe that it is fair to say that I have lost the desire to care about my appearance as a result. It sounds silly but I don't even like showering because I hate looking at my body! (Although I still do shower, don't worry!)

Now, at 24, I am not the person I once was or thought I would be. I am shy, embarrassed and frustrated. I see this group of three friends sitting in a hut next to mine. They are so open with one another and yet so confident in themselves, a friendship that I can tell that I am already jealous of. I can't even change into pyjamas in front of my friends, let alone go on holiday with them, and some times I think it would just be easier to distance myself from them so that I wouldn't have to deal with those awkward situations. I feel that there is a whole other person inside me waiting to come out, but that the acne is holding me back like never before. I feel as though the person I think I am is not the person others see. And I am now accepting that this is now a big part of me.

If you have taken the time to read this, and are able to relate, please know that you are not alone. Any advice / feedback would be most appreciated.