It happened so gradually that the fact that my scar and acne are much more severe than I've been pretending to be hits me like a rock every once in a while.
Today is one of those days.. I think what really helps me calm down in these situations is to talk about it or just write about it so here I am.
Basically my acne has been building up since highschool and now that I'm 20, the red scars over literally 90% of my face and the frequent presence of active acne became something I can't avoid to notice on the mirror. And yet I still tell myself, turning the lights off around me, that it's not that bad. Deep down I know that's not exactly true, but without a bit of naivity, I feel that I cannot make it through my day.
My self-esteem does not exist much. I try my best to pretend like I don't care but even then I always feel that I reek of unconfidence no matter what I do. And I'm always avoiding any kind of conflict because I'm scared that someone will point out that I have a miserable face. I'm especially afraid of kids because kids do not have courtesy of avoiding harsh truths. They would tell me like it is or ask me what's wrong with my face to which I would probably just break down into tears. This makes me really pent up a lot of anger that makes me just want to keep punching something until my knuckles are bleeding. But at the same time it makes me realize once more that I truly am pathetic.
I have people that love me. I have friends that would hang out with me. I have a comfortable lifestyle and yet my life is miserable. It's ironic and I'm not proud of it. I fear that what I'm feeling can't be too justified or that it would be met with a challenge that someone has it worse. But then again, I also fear that there is no one that they probably know of that have it worse.
I had people who would comment on my acne when it was quite moderate. It was more like a friendly tease because they knew it wasn't a big deal. But now I can feel this aura from people that are nice that it's bad to the point where they won't dare comment on it because they think it will hurt me. I thank them for it, but it doesn't make me feel much better..
Being 20, it's beginning to seem less likely that it's just magically going to disappear. I blamed it on my apartment, I blamed it on some food, and I blamed it on stress but in the end it just doesn't seem to matter at all. The strongest feeling I get is fear and helplessness. I've tried many different things up to this point and I've reached a point where I'm afraid to try more because it might make it worse. These are feelings that have been so presistent that I'm on verge of being emotionally exhausted. I feel numb like I just don't want to care about it anymore. I think it makes me think more like a kid that's demanding things to go his way despite knowing how complicated the situation is.
I spend a lot of time fantasizing about the future inwhich I have gotten the proper treatment and maybe even a whole bunch of plastic surgery to look better too. It would kinda be like making up for lost time... kinda. It's this thought and a jar of money that I have been saving up to reach this goal that helps me keep going. One day.. I tell myself like I have been for the past several years, trying not to remember how many times I have said "next year things will be much better".
And here I am too defeated to even shed a tear. It's like my mind has accepted that there truly is nothing that can be done. The best I can do is get my mind off it only to face the problem again later. I feel so drained like I've lost all will to go on.. I'm not really saying I want to committ suicide, but I just feel like giving up and staying alone in my room for an eternity or maybe even borrow a whole bunch of money to tryout a lot of expensive treatment and just fade away when it doesn't work out.. something crazy like that.
This one is something I didn't really want to talk about but... I know that I won't be getting any girlfriend for a long time not that I had any before anyway. I'm scared that there I wouldn't find anyone who would want to know more about me or share a comforting hug or spend the rest of the life with me. I feel like this condition of having an extremely broken self-esteem is making me become sone kind of asexual or something lol. Then having my friends talk to me about girl issues is like a stab in my stomach.
All the people I could've met. All the people I could've been really close to. Makes me feel like I'm rotting in front of the computer. There won't be the "good old days of youth". There won't be any young days I wish I could go back to. And that... worries me and angers me. But right now I'm too numb to do anything but just lie down and accept my defeat for today..
Sorry for the long wall guys lol. But I just had to get that off my chest SOMEWHERE. I don't want you to feel bad for me. You can say I'm a whimp or w/e and you have every right to say so. Besides, it's anonymous so I kinda wrote in ways I would write to someone that I could be 100% honest with, like myself. I'm just happy I'm feeling a tiny bit better having to share some struggles.
Thank you to anyone there who actually read through this mess haha.
just reading your story is how i felt a few years ago when my acne and scarring were at their worst. i know how hard it is to get up day after day and try to go on when you feel so down and so bad about yourself its like you cant see a way out of this mess but i can guarantee you that it will get better and that your face wont always look this way. it feels so permanent now but once you can get clear there are treatments out there that will help your skin look a lot better i can promise you that. so what are you doing for your skin right now? what is your current regimen?
sending you lots of hugs and prayers today.
I think it makes me think more like a kid that's demanding things to go his way despite knowing how complicated the situation is.
A frame of reference is needed for anyone to understand the effects acne can have on the psyche. Anyone who never was afflicted by it cannot possibly understand. The types of processes going on in the disease process are far more complicated and is much more than just a "wash your face" sort of thing.
I can totally relate to your situation. I'm 20 as well, in college, and I have lots of kind, caring friends. I'm enjoying my studies for the most part, I have fun sometimes, I have a girl to hold sometimes, I'm always busy... but I still feel depressed because of the scarring on my right cheek. I come off as a happy, relatively confident guy, but I really feel empty on the inside sometimes. If my skin was smooth, I wouldn't have to fake it nearly as much.
Thank you guys for your support. It means a lot to me!
Another really bad day for me.. but there will be better days i hope.
just reading your story is how i felt a few years ago when my acne and scarring were at their worst. i know how hard it is to get up day after day and try to go on when you feel so down and so bad about yourself its like you cant see a way out of this mess but i can guarantee you that it will get better and that your face wont always look this way. it feels so permanent now but once you can get clear there are treatments out there that will help your skin look a lot better i can promise you that. so what are you doing for your skin right now? what is your current regimen?
sending you lots of hugs and prayers today.
My current routine is basically just washing twice a day (morning and night) with a oil-free liquid clenanser. And then I use a exfoiliator once a day followed by a oil-free moisturizer. I change my pillowcase, stay away from diary and that's about it
Thank you guys for your support. It means a lot to me!
Another really bad day for me.. but there will be better days i hope.
just reading your story is how i felt a few years ago when my acne and scarring were at their worst. i know how hard it is to get up day after day and try to go on when you feel so down and so bad about yourself its like you cant see a way out of this mess but i can guarantee you that it will get better and that your face wont always look this way. it feels so permanent now but once you can get clear there are treatments out there that will help your skin look a lot better i can promise you that. so what are you doing for your skin right now? what is your current regimen?
sending you lots of hugs and prayers today.
My current routine is basically just washing twice a day (morning and night) with a oil-free liquid clenanser. And then I use a exfoiliator once a day followed by a oil-free moisturizer. I change my pillowcase, stay away from diary and that's about it
what type of exfoliator do you use? why not try out dan's regimen on this site? not sure how bad your acne is but its totally worth a shot. the regimen isnt too expensive and you get a ton of product so you will have the stuff for a long time. i really love the bp its super gentle if you arent using AHA now i would totally try that too. basically anything with glycolic acid will work. its such a great product for removing dead skin and keeping those pores from getting clogged. you can get on a good antibiotic to kick start the clearing process as well. there are so many options out there for acne that i think we can find a way to clear you up pretty good so that you can start to work on those scars. also if you just have red marks those arent scars and should heal in time and if not there are various treatments to get rid of that. believe me when i say that it will get better i promise 
I feel your pain, I'm 25 and i'm going trough the same situation right now. I went from one pimple to mild acne and now looks like svere acne, not to mention the hyperpigmentation due to my dark skin. I actually post my story this morning and i've been reading posts trough the page. these stories make me feel like I'm not alone, many share the same battle. If you need to talk send me a message, hopefully we will get trough this.