Hey everyone, feeling low again , my skin is already bad, acne everywhere, those big under the skin spots coming out on my chin, and my skin tone is completely ruined , i also hate my massive pores everywhere, forehead, cheeks, nose...everywhere , acne all up my back, legs, trying to control what i eat to see if i can beat it, then become completely demoralized when i see someone eating and drinking what they want, being a social butterfly, having everyone around them, being supremely confident, skin being perfect, i am so depressed it is unreal, well depressed is what i was about a year ago, it is much, much worse now, all i do is, sleep, work, sleep, work , friends asking me to go out at the weekend with them, (not been out in nearly 1 year, because of my skin), me having to lie that i am working and can't rather than say the truth, talked with my parents earlier who said that nothing is wrong with my skin, but they are you're parents they really have to say that and knowing how badly i feel about my skin try to cheer me up, it makes me happy but then sad that they feel they need to cheer me up and that i have been effecting them by being this shell of myself for the past nearly 2 years, and now that it is winter my acne is getting much, much worse, my face is actually burning because i was out in the cold to go to and get back from work, why can't i just be clear, seriously i would be so happy and it would be such a release to be clear again, it's all i think about and what i want to do when i get clear, then i see people, idiotic people on facebook drinking nearly every weekend and having utterly clear poreless flawless skin, i've wasted my teenage years, then i see girls with idiot guys that i know just from looking at them that they will just use the girl, then the girls think they have the best boyfriend ever, im only 20, but i feel mentally about the age 45-50, i just don't act the same way or think the same way people my age do, i think about things before i do them and how it will effect people and try my best not to bother people and get on with it, but lately i can't control the depression, it is so rapid it is scaring me, literally i go from thinking 'if i do this and keep up my diet i will be clear and can live again' one minute to then seeing someone who has the skin i want and wasting it, eating junk, drinking soda and not having to deal with any consequences, the only thing that makes me happy anymore is my family, because they are the only people i with all honesty know don't care how my skin looks as i am still their son, and my little sister doesn't bother either and constantly wants me to watch movies with her , i just wish i could be clear, i've learned so much through my struggles with acne, humility, the fact that i will never judge anyone who has a skin condition like me, whereas other clear skinned people will, watching movies also makes me happy, it's like an escape from reality, i went to the movies to see the new twilight film the other day (yeah i'm a guy and like the series, so what it's amazing!), and can't help but look at edward and jacob....robert and taylor, and think how clear their skin is, especially taylor as he is only 19-20 and his skin is literally amazing, you always feel a little down after it though going back to reality haha, went to the doctor a few weeks ago, i have literally tried every antibiotic there is, topicals have no effect anymore, tried to plead my case for accutane after seeing how 2 of my friends got utterly flawless skin through it, to not even be listened to, got halfway through my story and basically got told to shut up by the gp, i don' think they realise how depressed i am, no-one does, i don't show anyone it, i put on a face for everyone, except when i'm alone i can be myself, i am awaiting an appointment with the psychiatrist but i honestly have no idea what to expect, i also ironically haha just passed my introduction to psychology course a few days ago, it is the one thing acne will not stop me doing - learning and studying hard, the person i look to for inspiration for that, a fictional character - Dr Spencer Reid from criminal minds, guy is a genius and makes being a nerdy type amazing, i don't know if it's sad or not to take inspiration from people in tv shows, but it doesn't feel like it to me, they just inspire me , also a song that i love right now, from twilight!!, this song is seriously amazing, give it a listen, makes me think i might not be alone for the rest of my life and that i can beat acne with time, sorry for ranting, but i had to get my feelings out of my head

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years