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First Entry..depressed

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Im pretty hopeless right now. I just came from the doctors..waiting room.. (Im from Canada btw). I went because my mother is convinced that what is happening to my face is more than acne, that its a rash that she mistook for acne when she was 14. She was given some sort of steroid cream and overnight she was cured...yay mom.

Im turning 20 very soon and Ive had acne for three years. I remember it beginning the minute I stepped out of high school. A more accurate description would be the week before prom (I dont even know what to say to that either). I find it incredibly cruel that my acne started when I became an adult. I was starting to come into my own and be a social and relatively fun person...something roughly like how I was with my close friends..only around anyone, and that was something I enjoyed. Now I have acne that continually deteriorated over these last three years. Im currently a shut in. I came home for a summer vacation and I find myself locked in my old bedroom-in my parents house. My boyfriend is on the other side of the country (whom I love be honest im glad hes so far away so he doesnt see or touch me) and I havent seen any of my old friends in three weeks despite their attempted plans with me, and plans I want (almost) nothing more than to attend... number one wish would be perfect skin..ha. surprise.

There is so much going on in my head I suppose Ill try to get it all out right now...if anyone ends up reading this, ill try to make it as organized as possible.

I started wearing makeup to hide my skin problems, Im a bit of an artist so covering mild acne was easy. I tried making it look as natural as possible, I was so good people kept telling me how flawless and beautiful my (somewhat pale) skin was kind of like a knife in the heart every time I heard it. I wonder how terrible my smile and "thank you" was? I loved wearing makeup, but it became a necessary mask for me to leave the house. Now i resent wearing the stuff, its suffocating and it burns. My skin is too bad now to even bother spending time covering it up with wears off anyway.

When I left the house I would always be conscious of which part of my face was the worst, and I would keep that side or part either covered with hair or away from whomever I was with. Id do this by sitting, standing or walking so that the relatively good side of my face was always the side theyd see-unless we were speaking head on, then I was screwed and had to deal. I would be conscious of the lighting and how it would reveal the pigment underneath the makeup, or how the shadows would show raised bumps. I would be conscious if it was raining, or drizzling out because that turned the one foundation good for my skin, pure white. I live on an island and one favorite past time is swimming, I havent swam at a beach in three years. I never thought id allow a guy near me but at the time my skin wasnt so bad. I did however make sure we saw eachother mostly in the evening or at night, and I still cant kiss him without being aware of how my makeup is wearing off or how his stubble will make me break out worse. I guess my point is, im always aware. I know it makes me pathetic and vain but I am always aware.

My skin started improving this last year. I have roughly a week or two where there are no new break outs and my scars try to heal. There was even one point this summer where my skin didnt even have scars. I had two weeks of clear, perfect skin. I spontaneously hung out with friends, spent the night...even sunbathed. No makeup. No worries. I dreamed of being that way for years. I thought maybe Id continue to get normal small breakouts due to hormonal changes like everyone else. Nope. My skin got worse. My skin isnt following that old schedule. It has been constantly moderate-severe for a month. Unlike the acne ive delt with for years, this starts out as small skin coloured bumps on my forehead, then it gets red (its soo itchy I cant stand it) and it turns into pustules. Its spreading from my forehead to the rest of my face. Thats along with the normal cystic acne I get on my cheeks and jawline.

So, that doctor trip. Well..there isnt a derm. within an 8 hour radius of where I live. I would drive those eight hours however I need to get a regular MDs say-so before I can even make an appointment. Any appointment has at least a waiting period of six months, but the norm is a year. I guess Ill just wait. Having my skin dictate my mood is wrong, and impossible to change (thats how it feels anyway). But it rules all my activities or lack there of, so it goes hand in hand with my mood...and it has a direct link to how I feel about myself. Anyway. I went to the doctors waiting room today...I cried before going, my mom barely contained an eye roll (for the record, she has seen me cry over a math test in grade six, a math test in grade eleven and the third time i sprained the same ankle. Shes heard me cry over the phone about my skin twice, and seen it...I dont know..maybe five times? at first she felt terrible and did so much to try and help me just thinks im being stupid and selfish). I wore big sunglasses that did nothing to hide my skin but it hid my puffy red eyes. I got in and outpatients was more than packed, there is a waiting room and then a room outside the waiting room. I was in that outer room. For those who dont know how outpatients works or are unsure of the size of the waiting room: I was looking at a wait between 5-8 hours. No. Way. I walked out. Ill admit that a good portion of my decision was based on the fact that If i had a script to fill afterwards Id have to go to any pharmacy in town, all of which contain people I know from highschool. All of which would be shocked to see the state of my skin now. Another part of that decision was due to the fact that if my constant internet searching has come up with no real results, I doubt a doctor who doesnt care will do better. I dont want some antibiotic that my body will become immune to in three months which is what he is most likely to give me...ugh anyway...

I dont know if ill keep this blog going, I just know that the two people I talk to about this are probably tired of hearing it and they dont understand anyway. I just need some part of my mind written down. I just cancelled all my birthday plans..Im trying to ignore that the day is even coming up. If anything Im worse off in every way than I was a year ago, I dont want to celebrate that.

...Maybe Ill try to the doctors office again tomorrow...

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Hi, I love this post because it is very honest and exactly what I've been going through. I didn't break out until I was 18 and I got stuck wearing makeup to hide the blemishes and now I am "addicted" to it as a NECESSITY and I completely resent it as well. I dream of being makeup free!

I hope you have a happy birthday and your skin gives you the gift of NOT being a spastic jerk ;)

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hahaha thats exactly how i feel! spastic jerk :P Thank you btw, telling someone close to me about this stuff kind of doesnt do the trick. They think im petty being so concerned with my skin when I can just cover it up..and that is not the point as you well know. Glad you understand! Aaand Im honoured you took the time to read that long long, long rambly post.

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