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Inside Pandora's Box

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Blue Strawberry

78 days in

Ok so I haven't updated in a bit. I have been very busy and things were going very well. My face was actually the clearest it has been in years. My Diet, No Picking and Ziana Regimen was working out.

But the last week I did a few cheats on my diet, I got lazy and didn't have my smoothies plus I ate some sweets like cheesecake. I also picked ta my face today arghhh I'm very frustrated and disappointed at myself right now. I really need to control this stupid habit that is ruining my life. And the thing is I have gone a few days without picking so I know that I can do it. I don't know what got into me. I didn't even really have active horrid spots. It was just clogged pores like 3 or 4 of them. But one was on my forehead and getting inflamed so I picked at it and now it's really red and looks horrid :naughty:

Starting tomorrow I'm going back to sticking to my diet 100% and I'm gonna try super hard to not even touch my face.

But here is the update:

Chin- clear and the only mark I had that was really bad is getting lighter. :naughty:

Left cheek: Clear , I only have 2 small redish marks and 1 new one that I picked, but it isn't that bad. I nuked it with neosporin hopefully that will help.

Forehead: Frustrated with this, It was clear and I MESSED IT UP SOME. I have 3 really red spots that need to heel.

Right cheek: Clear it has actually been getting better, very slowly but yeah it's going somewhere. I have the same marks but they are fading and no scars that I can see.

Blue Strawberry

Ok so everything was going well. My new diet is really clearing me up, and my skin looks overall healthier, not just acne wise. My skin looks more evened toned, red spots were fading faster etc. But last night I stayed over at my aunts and we have a traditional once a month thing we do. Where we stay up all night and just watch horror movies and eat junk. Well, I ATE JUNK FOOD. I really wanted to stick to my diet, I have done pretty good for the last 2 weeks, put I had ice cream (coldstone) and cake!!!! Now I already feel a small bump on my chin....Damn it my chin was clear! And 2 small ones on my right side. Lord Why am I su stupid????

Here's the update:

Forehead: still in the clear, except for one spot that is healing b/c I also stupidly picked.

Left cheek: Doing well, it's clear except for the 2 marks that continue to fade.

Chin; Clear , except for the mark that was there and has faded a lot, and the new bump that I feel.

Right side: Old marks are fading, it looks a bit better. I have about 2 spots that are healing and my new visitors.

Blue Strawberry

My skin has been clearing up very nicely for the last 2 weeks, since I dumped my cleansers, moisturizers and most of my topicals. I'm very happy about this, although I still have a long way to go to get my stubborn and demonic skin to where I WANT IT.

Here's the skin update... I'll post pics in about 2 weeks for the 2 month mark of ziana and 1 month of my acne diet. (Yes I was retarded enough to go back on the ziana)

Forehead: Clearrrrrr, except for about 2 red marks that have faded 2 pink and 1 clogged pore which I just nuked with a crap load of TTO

Chin: Clear , except for that 1 pesky mark that is stalking me since about a 3 weeks ago.

Left cheek: Finally Finally completely clear , I only have 2 dark spots at the moment and 1 spot that is pinkish and almost healed. The self surgery I performed a.k.a. needling was a success ..no scars :(

Right cheek: Well the evilness seems to have gone away... It's clear, but there are alot of dark spots like ( wait I'm counting.... 7) and about 2 or 3 spots that are healing and very light pink. Self needling on this side was about 75 %, because that dam spot is one of the still healing ones.

I have controlled my stupid stupid OCD behavior at least for the last week... I'm so proud of myself for this....is was about time! This has definitely been one of the things that has helped my skin get better.

Regimen or what not.

Clearing my skin from the inside out,

Diet : Glutten free, Low GI, limited dairy (just cheese, sorry I 'm addicted to this stuff It's like crack to me and plain no fat yougurt) AND I eat sugar free dark chocolate everyday..it makes me happy. I haven't notice it breaking me out so that's why it's still there but if it does well I'll have to deal with all my chocolate withdrawl symptoms and cut down :evil:, everything else is soy. Lot's and Lot's of water. 1 green smoothie a day yum yum. Green tea and lemon water daily.

Vitamins : 1 multivitamin a day

Cleansing; Just luke warm water and all natural bar soap ( I know , I know, bar soap is not good, but it works for me!!!!) A.M and P.M.

P.M. apply ziana but only as spot treatment

Occasionally: Calamine lotion (A.K.A. pink panther get up or aspirin mask

I still want to try the egg white mask for red spots but I'm waiting a bit more. :(

And as for moisturizing...when needed I apply my own natural cream that I made at home as a chem experiment. I AM MY OWN GUINEA PIG. keep your fingers crossed for me so that my face don't fall off!!! ...well that's all until next time I do something stupid... or something that just happens to work.

Blue Strawberry

I've stuck to my diet 100% except yesterday...but that was an accident, I ate something I didn't know had gluten in it!!!! Dam you wheat free carrot cake.

And woohoo I'm getting a spot near my left ear, out of all places. But this makes me happy (NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THIS). The thing is I hadn't gotten a new spot for the last 5 days and than BAM I eat gluten and get one. I'm loving my diet . My skin looks a lot healthier. I have red marks but overall my face looks less red, it doesn't feel sore or hurt like it use to. My forehead and chin are still super clear :( . My cheeks are getting better, even my oh so stubborn right side seems to finally be given in. (I won't say this to loud as it might hear me and become rebellious once again).

My face feels smooth , now if only I could nuke these red and PIH marks!!! I took a really close look at my face last night and their's hardly any scarring, just a few really mild one's that only I could see because I literally stuck my nose to the mirror in really harsh lighting and twisted it in all directions.

I've controlled my picking ALOT, this has also helped greatly of course. I'm def going to stick my diet and also keep applying a little of the ziana randomly. (It's impossible for me to use it all over and everyday as it irritates the heck out of my face). I hope this works.

Blue Strawberry

Ok so after 50 days I stopped applying my topical..ziana, because even though it had cleared my forehead and chin it made my cheeks bloody worse (I gave that a little help by picking.... :evil: and by bloody I mean it literally). My new diet is going well , I;m sticking to it but I've only been on it for a week or so. Not nearly enough time to give my final veredict. Bad thing is a few posters have told me I will lose weight on it...not a good thing at least not for me , I'm already thin and dread the thought of looking like a tooth pick with a big olive on top. But for clear skin it's worth it.

Today I noticed I'm getting 1 or 2 new whiteheads on my forehead (which I'm sure will get worse, they never fail me) and 1 spot on my chin...so I decided after calling my derm to start up the ziana again...except this time I;m only spot treating at night. But I'm keeping the stuff away from my cheeks for a few more days, they need time to breath. Maybe by thursday I'll start spot treating my cheeks. LOL I'm insane ..back and forth I know, not very good but I just don't know what to do. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this balance between my new diet which I love and just spot treating with ziana + all my will power to not pick (or at least not as much..LOL congrats :( I'm the 1,000th customer to say that.) will help not irritate my face. No updates needed as my face is about the same.

OH If in a month and a half or two I don't see any results I'm going to stick to my diet but try Dan's regimen. This would be my first time on the Dan CSR.... something has got to work... and I am not planning on giving up on my face any time soon. I don't know why but today I just felt very sad about my face, and it's not even as bad as it was about 5 days ago. I think the acne has finally gone to my head :evil: I stayed home and just typed up some paper work and some college stuff , plus was logged in here. And I don't really like being glued to the internet all day. But being here keeps me busy and safe from my self harming half baked self :(

Blue Strawberry

I'll try to minimize my usual old testament long entries tonight.

First thing..I'm still onmy diet and I luv it, being gluten free is starting to show results and in only 6 days... :( I just felt this was necessary. Thanx to everyone here on the org who has helped me figure out this diet thing, It's trickier than trying to read someone's face at poker.

I'm looking for a new cleanser as well duh I need to wash my face but I want soemthing with the least amount of chemicals and evil acne causing stuff in it! I'm researching that. Hope to find it soon.

So here is the status:

Well as you can see I'm in a better mood, and as usual my mood matches my face.

Chin, clear except for that pesky red mark that just won't leave. It scabs I pick it scabs I pick...and so we continue with our staring contest.

Forehead is clear, just a few pink marks in the center..they continue to fade but very slowly.

My left cheek (always has been my better side) Is doing ok. only one small bump , the self needling is healing very well. Just one scar, but not that bad. I have about 4 red marks and I'm working on those.

And last but not least... my demoniacally possed right cheek, is in all it' evil glory. I'm getting

about 2 new spots and am trying soso hard not to pick at them. Still lot's of red marks put about 2 or 3 have faded. I have that patch of dark PIH from when I stupidly picked (shoot) and a scab.

Overall my face is not dry :evil: the redness is subsiding..the thing that bugs me the most is post acne marks..acne you are tricky..but you'll see.

Blue Strawberry

I toughed it out on ziana for 50 days (that is the longest I have been consistent with a med lol) But I QUIT!!!! I QUIT!!! I QUIT!!! (excuse my small temper tantrum). That stuff cleared my forehead but made my cheeks worse. Really worse. it was scary (exorcist scary). I stopped using it and now my cheeks are better.

I quit ziana but I'm not quitting everything until I kick acne's arse. Acne has been a pain in my arse for 3 years now! So it is fair game.

I decided to quit all topicals and dumped my dove sensitive skin and all that BS soap (it was no good for me). Now I thought about tane but that was just a mental lapse. I refuse to believe tane is the only thing that works. (I'm happy it has worked for so many ppl) but my acne is not severe so I don'y consider it a good idea to trade mild to moderate acne for possible severe side effects. Plus I really hate popping pills.

Anyways I have gotten my picking a little under control again :( . And I started a new diet. I have faith in this.

No gluten (I think I might have celiac disease)

Limited dairy (just plain yogurt and some cheese - I will cut it out slowly but I confess I'm a cheese junkie)

Loads of water

green tea

Green smoothies every day ..yum yum

and a multivitamin

I will keep making changes to this and playing around with it.

As for the self needling. It went surprisingly well.

At first I got theese really bad scabs as was scared that I had gotten in infection!!! But I really did disinfect that needle like 3 times. After about 2 days I steamed my face a little and the scabs softend up... I couldn't resist and picked but I did it real gently and got them off (ahhh.. relief, having a skin pick OCD can really drive you mad!!!) And the skin under is nice pink healthy looking and 1 of the spots filled up about 90 % the other about 70%. So I'm sure time will finish up the job.

Update.

Forehead clear ...I'm happy with it for the first time in years..just some small pink spots.

Left side about 60 times better...just the 2 healing self neeling spots and about 3 dark spots from old acne.

Chin ..good just on red spot

Right side.. Also healing well..no actives..but a lot of post acne spots... they suck BOOOOO

Blue Strawberry

Today is day 49 since I started the ziana. My face is the same or worse than yesterday. I didn't have to work today so I decided today was a good day to experiment. (This is always a dangerous thought but oh well). The first thing was I did my weekly aspirin mask, but I changed it a bit, I usually just use 2 aspirins, after reading many posts where ppl use up to 6 ..I used 3 today and left it on an extra 5 minutes.(20 min. total) This is my forth one ever. I don't think they stop new acne but they definitly tighten up pores are good for exfoliating. My face feels super clean and not oily after so I really like them. I only do it once a week though as it is very easy to overdose on aspirin. Skin will bsorb it pretty quick and take it straight to the blood stream so I read it's not recomended for more than 1 time a week.

Second experiment: Till this point where it's already done so what the heck, I don't know if it was the best idea. But I think sometimes you gotta risk it. My left cheek is totally clear except one little bumpy (I think it's a small but deep white head). But there are 2 spots that I got about a week or so ago that just didn't seem to heal properly and I was pretty sure they were gonna leave scars..because they were starting to turn normal color but the skin didn't stick togethr and there was a hole like dent.ekkk.

So today I got a very small needle (speciallly for diabetics) completely steralized it, first with heat than with alcohol. (Although it is a new and sterile needle but to be extra sure). I poked each one of the spots about 2 or 3 times, very gently and superficialy, until just white fluid (blood plasma and a tiny bit of blood came out. Hopefully they will start rebuilding because of the new minor injury and fill up with new collagen. I researched this method a lot. I'm not suggesting self needling, this could make things worse. It should be done by a pro or tattoo artist. But I don't have any bad scars and these are very recent so I wanted to prevent them from getting worse. Plus I use lot's of needles I'm a med student and work at hospitals. Hopefully in 3 - 5 days they will fill up. There will be red marks but time and hydroquinone will fade them. I'll let you know how these 2 self treated spots go.

My chin and forehead are doing good.

My cheeks have only gotten a lot worse with the ziana....I'm seriously considering stopping it.

Tomorrow I'm going to call a new derm and try to get an appointment as soon as possible. I'm going crazy my cheeks have never been this bad. :(

Blue Strawberry

Everything is going bloody DOWNHILL. After the first 3 weeks it seemed like I was starting to get somewhere but now my face is where it started or maybe worse!!!! I'm on ziana, and my face is super red and it's not to dry but it flakes ocasionally and it feels sort of sore sometimes.

I have been reading from people who have been on similar meds and there are so many mixed reviews!!! Some say it was the worse thing ever and made their faces a lot worse ... :evil: and others say it cleared them up well.

My derm said it could take 3-4 months to see results...that's so long. I read posts from people that it worked on pretty quick, they saw results in a month and a half or two, others said it worked after 4...eeekkk.... this is so confusing.

Anyways I'm wondering if I'm at that stage where it's """It gets worse before it gets better"""???? But how to figure this out for sure!

I'm going to start taking a multivitamin a day, starting tonight. I hope this helps. they have zinc and other oh so good for ya stuff. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I also bought a new soap today, checked it out on the reviews here, also mixed reviews. It's dove sensitive skin beauty bar...I'm scared but I'll try it for 3 or 4 days, if it's sucks I'll snuff it.

Anyways .... here's the update.

Forehead : No actives but some small uninflamed spots (milia) and a few whiteheads are appearing, there's about 5 red spots.

Chin: Just that one dark spot from an annoying cyst that never formed!!!

Left cheek: No actives, few small bumps but there not pimples. 2 spots in the process of healing, I hope they don't scar they seem to be taking forever to fill out. About 6 red spots.

Right cheek: This makes me want to cry! A bump that hasn't decided if it's going to be an active or just a painful whitehead, 4 larger spots that are still healing (I picked really bad at those last weeks and there still there with a vengance). And lot's of red and dark spots...don't even want to count them. Altough I do have a glorious clear patch on my jawline. This little clear patch is the only thing that gives me hope for my right cheek :(

Blue Strawberry

It's been 47 days of ziana... :( just about 73 to go...ergh. Today my face and my mood match, finally they agree on something. They are both neutral. (I personally rather be happy or sad than neutral) but anyway.

My face is less red, forehead is clear of any active acne and I only have a few pinkish spots in the middle that continue to fade. I just realized I have some small dents and uneveness on my forehead, but it's only noticeable under certain lighting. My left cheek is doing ok I'd say it's about a 7 on a scale from 1 to 10 1 being crap and 10 being impossiby perfect. There's only a few small bumps on there, really tiny. I asked the derm about theese and he said there called milia, or baby acne, it's aside effect from the ziana but should go away. I have 2 spots that are healing and about 2 or 3 pink spots, not to big, except for one. I'm trying to murder that big one with hydrquinone. My chin just has one mark, no actives, but that one mark is really red, it looks like I tried to bite my own chinsy or somethin'..it's insane.

My right side , still looks like it needs to be exorcised, so if anyone knows a good priest , please let me know...maybe he can get all these demon spots to go away..I just hope I don't set on fire when i see a crucifix or touch holy water. May be I can flood all the nasty acne demons out with shit loads of alcohol...hmm. So, right cheek, is starting to heal, spots that I picked at are strting to fill up and heal. I think one of the bigger spots I picked at might leave me my first really noticeable scar....One more great reason to stop picking at myself...argh will I ever learn???

P.S. Peeps (lol , no I don't actually talk like that) but Peeps, you have to watch Batman,,,,go , go , go right now. That movies is so good it might clear your acne!!

Blue Strawberry

I finally went to the derm (a.k.a. Hellraiser) again after 43 days on the ziana. I was shocked he didn’t give me a spanking or lecture about my picking. He actually noticed it was a lot better. So he said to stick it out for another 2 and a half months on ziana.

He said that my chin, left side and forehead or active acne free. Although there are lot’s of red marks. He told me that I have comedonal acne which is a nice way to use a fancy medical term to say: poor girl your dam pores are all clogged up!

That once the remaining months of ziana pass we will deal with any red or dark marks but that he thinks by that time there might not be many. Also he said he was shocked that there are no terrible scars. He knows who badly I pick. Once I almost dug a hole to China in my forehead, I got really scared it would get infected. So I went to him crying about it. He gave me a really strong antibiotic that time to avoid infection but said it would definitely scar. And it didn’t, I can’t even really remember the exact spot where it was. I thank god for this.

A few days ago I totally derailed and picked the life out of my right cheek. My right side he examined for a while. I kind of operated on myself a few days ago. I had ordered my own comedon extractor online, why should only my derm get to have fun!!! I also poked it with some needles and a syringe and made a new hole to china which is still bleeding sometimes, I’m putting loads of Neosporin on it. But I know it will take it’s sweet time. I must stop picking!!!!argh.

He said that operating on myself was a big NO-NO, told me not to touch it anymore no matter what. I told him that side of my face is also kind of sore and sometimes it stings. He told me that it’s without a doubt the worse part , it’s really sensitive. I have to go back in 1 month. Hopefully by than things for my right cheek will be better. I’m still waiting on the ziana, because it still is being really lazy and not stopping the new acne’s. But today my face feels a bit better. My forehead is doing really , really good almost clear, just a few light red marks, and of course uneven tone. Well that's the update for now.

Blue Strawberry

It's been 43 days since I started apply ziana religiously every night. It was going well until last sunday. I got this weird bumpy thing on my right cheek bone, than got 2 more next to it. They weren't big but they hurt and made my cheek sore. I've been trying to overcome my terrible picking habit along with the acne. But gave in to these 3 spots and picked :( I'm very mad at myself for that. This always happens, just when I'm getting better, I mess up.

The good thing is it was only on that side, which is my bad side anyways. I promised my self to not pick at my left side or my chin, these are getting lot's better. I don't touch my forehead either. At this rate I'll end up completely clear with a crazy looking right cheek. Aghhh it's annoying.

Tomorrow I have my derm appointment. I know he'll give me a 3 hour rant on the picking issue. But I also hope he notices how hard I'm trying, because the rest of my face is doing better. I'm running out of ideas on stopping my obsessions, also getting tired with having to deal with them.

Blue Strawberry

I didn’t go to work today. I woke up late and soon realized I was bored out of my mind and soon got the urge to pick at my face!!!! I’m always really busy so I guess I need to adjust to not doing anything. Anyways boredom was driving me mad, thus I decided to make strawberry pancakes. Why pancakes? Because I like them and never have time to make them for breakfast as I’m always in a hurry in the mornings.

So I made my pancakes and along came my cat…. Hmmmm…. I decided to tie a small pancake to his back, I don’t know why but I did it. I wanted to see if he was smart enough to get it off, eat it or would just roll around in circles. (The pancake was not hot, of course!) So he just starts running like crazy all over the apartment!!!! Trying to climb up a curtain for some reason. He then jumped and kind of just drifted … I think I might of accidently proven that cat’s can defy some gravity with a pancake tied to their backs! Dam If now I could just find a cure for acne!

I wish I would have video taped it! It was hilarious, would have put it up on youtube. Don’t get me wrong I love my cat, wasn’t trying to be cruel, after I let him have the pancake!!! Yes, my cat eats pancakes, he eats about anything!

Sometimes I commit random acts of stupidity!!!! Oh well. … I don’t expect anyone to understand me anyways. It’s Hard enough trying to figure myself out.

The point is, if you have acne and you know that if you are bored you will be very tempted to pick at your face….just get a cat and a pancake. You won’t pick at your face….it’s a proven experiment.

Face is the same as yesterday…chin, forehead and left side getting lot’s better, right side is a mess!

I have decided to stop complaining about some red spots! Complaining has never made it any better, it just makes me focus on my red sad looking face, and upsets me. I have to face this somehow. If not I’ll never improve. So yes , I will update my skin progress, but I won’t whine about it, not anymore .. P.S. If I get some crazy mutant acne or something really weird…I’ll make an exception and moan about it till I’m tired.

Blue Strawberry

Since I got a chemical burn at work a few days ago, my boss said I could have 3 days off work. I could pick which ever days I wanted, my boss is either a) the best boss ever, b) being nice because he want’s something from me or 3) some kind of creepy pervert who has strange fantasies about me that involve whips and gummy bears. I will start a vacation tomorrow until Monday.

This will be a good 5 day period for some skin experiments. Plus a real big test for me, since I will be at home I will have to use my super powers to avoid picking. I'm worried about this, because being at work or at the universtity keeps me busy and away from a mirror.

My face Update.... My chin is clear, just a red spot left, but it' small and fading. No scars on chin thank god. My left cheek has a few clogged pores but no active acne and the 2 spots that I had are starting to fade. I only have one medium sized scar on my left cheek, It isn't very deep but it is still noticeable. As soon as I clear up and the red spots subside I will look into the few scars. My forehead is also improving, there is no active acne and only have some marks and small scabs in the middle, Also just one shallow scar in middle of forehead. This week I hope to try out 3 masks: One each day to see which is best. I will try egg whites, Aloe and vitamin E oil and finally baking soda. Has anyone tried any of these?? Well I plan to write some sort of comparative review between the 3..to establish which is best for me.

My right cheek,,,, wait, my stupid right side is still very red and I confess I picked the heck out of something on my right cheek bone 2 days ago. But it was a small bump that I was scared would turn into a cyst. So I washed it with warm water and poked it with a sterile syringe. And squeezed it. The gunk came out but now I have a red spot and a scabby forming. Right side still needs to improve so much. :(

Well I'll keep you up to date on the masks and the ziana. I hope to not go crazy with boredom as I'm always at work or school... ahhh such a dull life! I have been feeling lonely and a bit down the last few days..don't know why...I'm blaming my mood on my face, but it will get better I hope.

Blue Strawberry

My face is getting better, very, very slowly but healing. There are no deep scars just uneven tone mostly and a few very superficial scars that are small and I know will fill out on their own. A few of the usual suspects, Mr. Red spots and Mrs. Dark spots, mostly on right cheek. The Ziana seems to be working (Knocks on wood, glass, metal, everything…just to be sure!) I Haven’t picked today.

I had been kind of down lately, mostly from being tired and my stupid Insomnia. But today I feel better. My best friend who I haven’t seen in like 3 months came back. He had gone off on one of his crazy soul searching adventures. He convinced me to go out and it was the best idea ever.

****This is kind of a long entry, so now would be the time to take a piss or go for a snack… If neither are needed please go on reading.****

I sat at a bench, waiting for him to move the car which we had illegally parked (opppss). And I noticed lot’s of small things I don’t usually see. In less than 10 minutes I saw someone stop their car in the middle of traffic to let a student cross the street. I saw an old (almost ancient) couple walk into a pharmacy still holding hands (awwwww, old people love is both gross and so cute). I saw a really nice rainbow as it had rained a bit before we went out. I realized not everything is as bad all the time. We really do live in a beautiful world, it’s hard to see that when you insist on obsessive behaviors and acne!

I never let anyone take my picture anymore. I use to love pictures; my room was plastered in pics of me and friends, pets, places, random stuff. My friend loves photography and “persuassive little bastard that he can be†snapped a few of me. He got home edited them to black and white, because he knows I absolutely love black and white photography and e-mailed them to me. It’s not the pictures that made me happy, it was realizing I have a friend who really knows me, YOU CAN’T SEE MY FACE CLEARLY IN ANY OF THE PIC’S. He knows how I hate my spots and is one of the few people besides family that see’s me without makeup. So it really made me smile when I saw he didn’t focus on my face.

Only thing annoying me right now, is I lost of chunk of my left arm. I got an acid burn at work!!!!! Ouchhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Picture of a nasty chem. Burn…

chemburnyk9.th.jpg

Picture of the beach, from today..It looked specially blue-ish…

beached3.th.jpg

Blue Strawberry

Today was a veryyyy long day. One of those days you wish you could just fast forward through. Sadly we don’t get a remote control with life. Traffic has been crazy so I decided to leave my car at home and take the train. Stupid idea!!!! I haven’t taken the train in a long time. I sat in a corner and didn’t want to look up at anyone. Acne has just made me very insecure. Even though I had makeup on, I felt like people could see my red spots through it. I think I’m paranoid

The weird thing is my face has been healing well, but I can’t get rid of the feeling that It looks bad. These past few days I have been kind of down. I don’t know why, nothing bad has happened, I’m just numb and don’t have my usual quirkiness. I have been slowly falling back into picking more than usual. I was finally starting to get the picking under control and for the last 3 days, it hasn’t been that good. So today as soon as I got home I ran to the mirror, washed off my make up and searched my right cheek for something to scratch/pick at. I didn’t find any thing , and I was mad about it! How stupid is that. I want clear skin and then I’m pissed there’s nothing to pick at. I might be bipolar, or insane, wtf is wrong with me. Why can’t I get this straight in my head?

I walked away from the mirror and decided the best thing was to cover it up. So I grabbed a magazine and cut out pictures of models with beautiful skin and made a collage on my bathroom mirror. They are there to remind me of my purpose, clear skin. I feel like a crazy person!

Things I’m doing to help stop picking:

1) I cut my nails real short (till they bleed sometimes, don’t cut them so short)

2) always have something in my hands to keep them busy

3) or I sit on them till they hurt or are numb.

4) I cover all my mirrors or write msgs on them , like don't do it.

5) I put up pictures of people with messed up faces on my room to remind me I don't want to be like that or pics of nice clear skin to motivate me

6) I've read tons of self help books

7) stay in dim lighting to avoid seeing my face to clearly

8) keep in my room when it's real bad.

Does anyone else feel crazy sometimes, because of the things they do to try to get clear skin???? ……. I know that I do.

I will try to not pick at it today... and continue to improve on that!

Anyways I have nothing else to say for now except I hope this helps someone.

Blue Strawberry

I’m tired of having to give myself a pep talk every morning just to convince myself that it’s not that bad. And having to use up so much energy and time on makeup. I did the math, I have had acne for about 3 years now. If I spend 15 minutes a day, every day on makeup (Which is about true, it takes me between 10 – 20 minutes for makeup , depending on how bad acne is that day) Than I have spent 16,425 minutes of those 3 years on just throwing spackle on my face. This is 273.75 hours of my life = 11.4 days of my life that I will never get back. God dam’ you acne!

So much lost time, that I could have spent on something else. Like having fun or just meeting people. I avoid meeting new people, because acne has made me terribly shy. Once again, repeat with me: God dam’ you acne. To think of all the friends and memories I could’ve had.

So , I read about the no chocolate – no dairy thing…. Ekkkkk this is worse than finding out there is no Santa Claus when you are 6 years old! Is chocolate soy milk alright??? I love chocolate so much, I would happily go through life with a chocolate syrup IV jacked in one of my veins, if it were possible. There must be a way around this…. If I can’t have chocolate, I’ll need methadone to break the habit!!!!

There is not much to say about my face. It’s the same as yesterday, Left side good, Right side not good. It looks like I did some wacky experiment on only half my face. I hate uneven acne. Even the natural equilibrium of my face has been robbed by acne. God dam’ you acne.

I’m also ANGRY at myself this morning I gave in to my dam picking habit. I extracted a couple of white heads and got rid of some scabs , the one from my chin and one on my forehead. When will I ever learn? I need somewhere to hide from myself. :(

Blue Strawberry

THE TRUTH

I read this one post here on acné.org. It really got me down and made me think alot. It was like reading something that I could have written myself a few years ago. And it opened up old wounds that never did heal. I always told myself that back than I was just drunk and it was a mistake, confusion. But the truth is yes, I did want to be dead back then. Everything was really messed up, my OCD was taking over, I was about to start med school and ended up not going. I kept thinking, every patient I ever had would just be asking themselves, what kind of dr. is she; she can’t even cure her own acne. That broke my heart, because studying is all I’ve ever been any good at. I can’t sing, paint, write, play any musical instrument, etc. But I know every single organic chemistry reaction. It’s weird. So besides being a walking and talking text book I feel useless.

The person I was supposed to marry, dumped me a month before the wedding, because I never wanted to go out, was always sad and complaining. I guess he figured it wasn’t even worth trying to make me happy. So he switched 3 years with me for his secretary, I hated him for leaving.

My parents couldn’t be more messed up if they tried. (That’s if they even are my parents, everything seems to indicate I was adopted, although no one has ever wanted to confirm this). They never tried to help.

So, on my 21 st birthday I went out to celebrate that , that night was the last I would have to go through. Luckily my best friend forgot something at my apartment, came back and ran me to the hospital to get my stomach pumped. Some days I wish the Dr’s hadn’t saved me, other’s I’m grateful they did.

Anyways, this post is for you, You know who you are. I never thought I would write this stuff up. I don't really like talking about these things, prefer to think it is all past. But things have changed, very slowly but they do change. Wait it out a bit more. Sorry I don’t have any better advice or life saving wisdom.

Please think about what you want to do. At least do something nice for a strange girl you don’t even know before you leave.

Blue Strawberry

So I proclaimed today my personal Holiday.... Today is Rocket, Pau and Shiloh day. Those are my cats... (It was my excuse to ditch school and work today). I stayed home..I have been way to tired and it started making my face angry. I slept late and today my face feels and looks happier. The redness subsided :( finally. I hope it stays that way.

Here's the update. My face is clear of actives. I don't have a single pimple or feal any forming...just a few clogged pores, but I can live with that. My left cheek is doing really well I just have the 2 dark spots, but they have started fading and don't look like they will leave any deep scars.(fingers crossed)

My chin is clear except for that darn pimple I got a few days ago, it dried up but left a red spot. Forehead also doing well. As always my cheek is full of red spots and 2 dark spots. I moisturized really well this morning after my shower, hopefully this will help.

What I have been doing:

Morning:

Wash face with just water, pat dry (I don't use moisturizer in the morning, makes me feel sticky and ucky)

Night:

Wash face with water and gentle soap.

Apply ziana all over (ziana is my prescription med)

Hydroquinone over dark spots

sometimes Neosporin over picked scabs

Calamine + Vitamin E oil masks for 1 hour every other day (This helped a lot)

Aspirin Masks 3 times a month

Moisturizer when needed : Johnson's pink baby cream. It's really mild and not oily, it's intended for a baby's bottom so it's good.

Drink lot's of water, I don't eat rice, sugar or butter, Vitamin C , but in orange juice.

Lately my urge to pick has come back with a vengence... So last night I cut all my nails off, right down to the skin. It almost drove me crazy last night. Wanting to scratch or pick and it being impossible, but I guess it was worth it, will keep them super short from no on.... To bad I had nice nails, liked to paint them bright pink.Cute finger nails R.I.P.

I'm going to start looking into something for dark spots and or scars, hopefully this not having any actives is not just good luck, it's the ziana finally working. So soon I will have to just deal with the after math.

that's all for now. good luck

Blue Strawberry

I just got home, it's super late, all this stress and lack of sleep is aggravating things for me. Will I ever be able to win this war against acne like this? To tired to continue...

Blue Strawberry

So today is day 34, since I started on ziana. I know that when I'm in a bad mood my acne gets all worked up also. But today I proved my theory. I had to go to court today, because of my job..and this one lawyer got me so aggravated I wanted to jump over the bench and put my heel in his mouth. My god they really are something. So after 3 hours of cross questioning each other my face was all red and it felt hot. I'm gonna sue him for making my acne worse, LOL.

Anyways finally got home and my smallest cat did the cutest thing, he was sleeping inside one of my shoes I had left in the room during the morning...all curled up. I have no idea how he contortioned his whole body in that one high heel but there he was,he looked so peaceful. It cheered me up right away.

My best friend called me today. I love her to death but she doesn't understand me. Her skin is clear so she doesn't get how I can get so down about mine. She wanted to go out. I just wanted to get some calamine or some cream on my face to get the redness from today down, and rest a little. She got mad because I didn't go out with her. Anyone here ever have a similar poblem. Most times I feel like my friends and family just don't get it. They think I'm crazzzy.

So today aside from the redness my face is pretty smooth. No new actives. The one on my chin is going down and isn't leaving any scar. Only my right cheek looks real bad and I think It might leave this one scar. That one spot just refuses to heal.... ahhhh. Forehead and left side continue to progress. Can't wait to the derm appointment....

I'm also very mad at my self. I deserve to be punished. I had been doing well about not picking..and today I gave in and picked at this one spot on the right. It was driving me crazzy and I scratched it right off. It bleed and now I have a bruise looking thingy. I made it so much worse..I knew it would happen but I'm addicted. This is almost like being addicted to crack or cigarrettes. I just can't seem to quit. I will put some neosporin on it and pray my face doesn't fall off. :(

Blue Strawberry

Today was a very long day at work. I thought it would never end, ugh. I'm finally home and I figured out I get most tempted to pick while in the shower/ bathroom. So to avoid this I decided to time my showers ( Yes I KNOW it sounds crazy) But I really think it will help. I haven't picked today. Another thing I do is that I'm usually in the dark. I don't turn many lights on, just dim lighting, just enough to see. During the day I close the curtains..so I don't have to look at myself in such harsh lighting.

My forehead is so much better, so is my chin, except sadly I got a new pimple on there. But it's small.

My left cheek is doing really good too, that one really bad one, healed super quick and the mark has faded about half way. My right cheek , ahhhhh it drives me crazy. I really wish I didn't need a right cheek!!!! And could just hack it off. It's my worst side, it's really red and flaky. Sometimes it hurts a little. I try to avoid sleeping with that side in my pillow. So that I don't get it irritated, but once I fall asleep I kind of go all over the place..will have to tie myself to the bed I guess. I don't know what to do about my right cheek...any suggestions?

Blue Strawberry

In 3 more weeks I have my derm appointment, I will be half way through the 4 month ziana period. Can't wait to see what my derm says or does. My face is so- so today it was flaky but I guess it's because I had stopped using moisturizer ( ***bad girl) I 'll start it again tonight. I had stopped because the dryness had subsided and moisturizer makes me feel greasy...ucky.

My forehead is lot's clearer. Today a whitehead came out from my left cheek all on it's own, It had been there and I hadn't been able to pick it out. It was the only thing bugging me on that side. So right now, except for like 3 red marks my left side is clear..hooray. Now my right side, well it's rebellious, it's still very red and mean looking..I really hate my right cheek, would like to get a new one!!!!

Today I didn't pick, nor feel the urge or need to. Have been keeping very busy in order to avoid temptation.

That's it for today...good luck to everyone.

Blue Strawberry

31 days

Today I feel a lot less upset. I just posted the pics from yesterday, they should be up tomorrow or day after. I even put some up without makeup. I just thought whatever put them up, it is an acne site after all, so there they are.

Spent all day at college so I had no time to touch my face, not even to think about it. Who would have known that physics class could help with picking...not me. My forehead is improving a lot, slowly but surely. Today I dry bit of skin peeled off in a hot shower. It was a dark spot I had right in the middle, looks much lighter now, hooray. My chin is still clear. Left cheek much improved. No to battle my archenemy, my right cheek. It is the worst, always.

I'm honestly surprised my face is healing without terrible scars. I have just one or two small, not deep ones. I truly did so much damage to my face with my constant picking I thought it would scar. The dark spots take a long time to fade but they do. No matter what I do to it, it doesn't really leave anything to bad behind. Thank god!

Blue Strawberry

Day 30, finally my first month on ziana. My face feels smoother and it's less red. But I still get some small bumps sometimes. Some marks are starting to heal, others get redder, it's weird.

No one has ever said anything cruel to me about my acne, at least not to my face. And today someone did. Out of all the people in the world it had to be this one guy. He said " your very pretty, to bad you have some marks on your cheek, I would ask you out if you didn't have them. "

Needless to say as soon as I got home and had a look in the mirror, I really wanted to pick at my face. It was this crazy urge, I started to scratch on my forehead (there wasn't even anything to pick at). But I almost immediately stopped. It has taken me more than a month to get to the point where I'm starting to heal and control my OCD. I knew I would hate myself even more if I gave in. So I grabbed my lipstick and wrote " Don't do it" on my mirror.

Well for a long time I felt totally numb, I would walk, and eat and breath because I had no choice. When my picking was at it's worse I stopped eating and I wouldn't go out. I didn't care much about anything, everything seemed the same, everything tasted the same, everything looked the same color. It took me a very long time to get over that. And today I felt that numbness all over again.

Today is the 4th of july everyone is out at the beach celebrating, I 'd give anything to go to the beach with out feeling horrible. I live on a small island If I walk in any dirrection for 10 min, there's the beach. I can see it from my room. But it seems so far away. I haven't gone in about 2 years.

I feel really bad today. I have decided to take a long hot bath, put my PJ's on at 3:00 in the afternoon and just stay home watching Harold & Maude, which always cheers me up, even though I always cry at the end of it.

P.S. I willtry to post some pics tomorrow, for the 1 month mark on ziana.

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