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need advice and encouragement about accutane

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hi everyone-

what a cool site, i desparately need it right now. i have been battling adult acne for eight years, since 2000. i am now almost 36. it has REALLY sucked to go from having decent, scar-free skin, to the skin i have now: tons of pockmarks, scars, indentations, pigment problems, you name it, all because of acne. no derm would prescribe accutane for me, and, honestly, i was not all that jazzed about taking it anyway because of the side affects. i have read too many horror stories. so, for the past eight years, i have tried EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN like everyone else: oral/topical antibiotics, spironolactone, oral contraceptives, retin A, everything and nothing worked.

then, i did some other crazy things, like completely altered my diet. for one month, all i ate was spinach, tomatoes, olive oil, brazil nuts, raw egg yolk. this diet actually worked, but who can eat like that for the eternity??? i also fasted for one week, drinking nothing but water...just water. no food. no tea. nothing. i lost like 15 lbs, but i didn't loose the acne. i was desparate though, soo tired of the acne, in total despair. for the past eight years, i have watched my face be transformed from being decent to looking deformed. very traumatizing, to say the least. however, all the while, i was still wary of accutane because of the side affects such as suicidal ideation, liver problems, etc etc.

well, i went to see a new derm today. he took one look at me and said, "normally, i am trying to talk patients out of using accutane. but you clearly need it. your scarring is extensive and it's only going to get worse." so, that pretty much broke my heart. maybe i have been in denial about my scarring, because it's so devestating (my defense mechanism). but his words were like a nail in my heart. sorry if i sound vain, but the humiliation and effect on my self-esteem has been like a nightmare from which i cannot wake.

can anyone relate to this, to my story? i am seeking some encouragement. i know that only i can make the final decision about going on accutane, i guess some words of wisdom and some encouragement will take me miles. i have read through message boards and the ratings for accuatne. please respond, anyone. i have suffered alone for soo long, pretty much in agony. now i have to share this story or i am gonna burst. and no one else gets it.

thanks for reading.

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