It's been so long that I've seen my face like it is right now. I am happy and content and definitely thankful for Accutane.
I've had bad, bad, bad, horrible acne since I was in 6th grade. Seriously, I was one of the very few kids that were dotted with gross zits all over my face. My face was beyond oily. It was like I dipped my face in bacon grease everyday. I was too young to understand or even care about what it was. What do I care, I was the best in volleyball and tag at the time. I had As and Bs in class. I was friends with everyone. And I didn't have a clue about puberty.
But one day, one of the boys came up to me and asked me what are those things all over my forehead and asked me if they hurt, felt gross, or if they were cooties. I thought he brought up some pretty good questions since I never really bothered with my acne. I didn't even know what they were called back then.
I came home and asked my grandmother about the things on my forehead. She teased me and said it was cooties. I got upset, of course. It dawned on me that the prettiest girls in class don't have any bumps like I have on my face. I touched my forehead. It felt disgusting. It was oily and it wasn't smooth as I thought it was. The pimples were huge. It didn't take long for me to learn how to pop them. It hurt a lot. But I wanted them gone and it was kind of addicting in some way. They didn't go away. They did but they just kept on coming. Sometimes bigger and more menacing than the one I popped.
Middle school came and I got obsessed with what to do about it. I've tried everything. Topical ointments, everything my derm told me to do, antibiotics, acne facial wash, OTCs. Most of them didn't do jack. Some of them worked pretty well. But only for a short while. The huge pimples would come back after a few months of every treatment.
My derm said there is no cure for acne. Great. Well, now what. He says we only have treatments that prevent acne but there is no guarantee that it will be gone forever. It can go back anytime. Whatever. Give me your best shot, dammit! I didn't really say it that way but that's how I felt at the time. He told me all about Accutane; how it's the last resort and that it seems to be our only option left. I told him I'd try everything to get rid of the curse. I was desperate and a freshman in high school.
So the treatment began. Well, I guess I wasn't listening when he told me to use the moisturizer he gave me (I seriously didn't even know he gave me one) because my face flaked and it was too late when I started using the moisturizer. My eyes were yellow. I had frequent killer headaches, fatigue, muscle and joint pain among others but I didn't tell anyone because I wanted to finish my treatment and wanted to see what Accutane can do for me. Afterall, it's the last resort. If it doesn't work, then nothing works. Stupid, I know. Because I know now that as soon as my face dries up from Accutane, I should be using that moisturizer like it's nobody's business.
Well, my first treatment of Accutane went better than I expected. Soon, people forgot I was plagued by acne. People thought I had baby skin throughout my entire high school. I laugh and never tell them my secret. Yes, I'm evil.
Now, I'm 21 years old and earlier this year, my acne came back worse than ever. I have managed to keep my skin almost acne free with Proactiv, Retin A, and other things that eventually stopped working for me throughout the years. Finally, this year, everything have failed so I'm back to the last resort. And really, I would have stayed on Accutane if I had the choice but my derm insists on other kinds of treatment before resorting to Accutane.
Before starting Accutane, I've lost a lot of confidence. I locked myself in my room, avoiding friends, and not even bothering to pick up the phone. It was even harder when I had to go look for work. I feel like potential employers are only looking at my zits at the interviews. Every rejection letter I get, I feel like I'm closer and closer to hitting rock bottom. Depression set in. I lost a lot of weight. I felt like I have no where to go and nobody wants me. I thought, if only my face would clear up for a month maybe someone can look past my face and see what I can offer.
Of course, I was excited to start Accutane again. I remember the results the last time it brought me. We'll see. It's only day 26 and my skin is already cleared for the most part. The best thing about starting Accutane, I got my life and my confidence back already.
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