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Wanting To Be "normal"

For me, the hardest thing about acne isn't the physical pain of having inflamed, red lumps come up frequently, but the fact that barely anyone else seems to have them. Being at college, I constantly look around to see if anyone has the same problem, but most people have near flawless, "normal" skin. This is one of the hardest things to cope with as you constantly ask the question "why me?".

Leaving high school, I was one of those people that never had to worry. Limecycline had kept my skin clear for a long time but going into college after my acne came back and having to face my old friends was hard. Some People seemed to treat me differently, like it was a huge surprise that I had acne. Most people in high school had forgotten that I had acne the year before and most people didn't even know I was on medication, so I can see why it may have been a shock. Nobody ever commented on my face, but I could see that it was on their mind. Some people I was quite close to before, seemed to distant themselves like I had changed for some reason, but maybe that's just my perceptions...

The most crushing thing you can do to someone who has acne is to stare at them. This has happened to me ALOT and it has affected me. Since my acne came back, anxiety has taken over, causing me to feel "abnormal" and alone. It's as if they're questioning why I let my skin get this way. I just feel like telling them that it isn't my choice and that's the thing most people don't seem to understand

Envy plays a huge part in my life. I look around and never seem to notice anyone else with skin conditions so why do I? Is it something I'm doing?. I get so incredibly jealous of people who don't even have to think about what condition their skin will be in tomorrow of the day after; this is exaggerated by the fact that just a few months ago, I never had to worry.

I also constantly notice people complaining that they have a black head or a simple spot and even people with flawless skin complaining that they're "ugly" . This can be crushing as it makes you wonder, if they're so concerned about the spot or blackhead they have, what must they think of me?

To be honest I just want to go back to how I was a few month's ago and not have it control my life and how I feel about my self, and when it does eventually go again, I don't want to have to worry about having more scars. It's just one more thing on top of the pile of things I have to go through I guess...


First Entry

Hi, my name is Harry. I first started getting moderate acne when I was 15 years old; about a year ago. I'd tried all kinds of over-the-counter face washes, cleaners etc. but nothing improved my acne, so I went to the GP who prescribed the oral medication limecycline. Within about 6 weeks I was completely clear and carried on taking this medication for six months. At this point I stopped using the medication to see if the acne had gone permenantely; Unfortunately it hadn't and I was put back on limecycline. After going back on and coming off the medication about three times for about 8 months, I was once again taken off the medication, but this time the acne didn't come back and I thought I could finally leave the spots behind me.

About 3 months ago I started college, and my previous hopes of not having to worry about acne had gone and once again I was put back onto limecycline, but this time they didn't work and my acne was just getting worse. I Switched over to erythromycin which I took for about 2 months. I had noticed some slight improvement, but not much. 2 weeks ago I was told to take 2 erythromycin tablets twice a day instead of the 1 tablet twice a day regime I was previously on which is now where I'm at currently.

For me, these past 3 months have been some of the worst points in my life so far. It's hard enough moving from high school let alone having to deal with acne as well. I've become very sensitive to my current appearance which has caused me at some points to block out my friends and family and I stop myself from going out or at some points even leaving my room. Mood changes are also common for me. I'll wake up, look in the mirror and think my skin was improving, then I'd look again and think that it wasn't, which resulted in me going from happy to sad to angry almost instantly. I've constantly tried to prevent people from looking at my face by either looking down at the floor or covering my face with my hands, which to be honest, probably only ends up drawing more attention. Another problem I've had which, if you have acne I advise you never do, is to stare at your face in the mirror. This leads to you trying to find more and more faults with your skin which in turn causes more stress and anxiety and may lead to more spots. I'm currently finding it very hard to go back to the way I was a few months ago, I think this is due to me relying too much on the medication back then because I had so much confidence that they would get rid of them in just a few weeks.

Thank you for reading this (if you still are) if you have any questions, please ask.


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