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I've been dealing with acne since I was 12 years old... I wouldn't even call it moderate acne -- but I do get severe cystic lesions. There have been times of clear skin, and periods of what I consider horrific. Remember, everything is relative...someone with mild or moderate acne can be as depressed as someone with severe acne. The mind works in an interesting way; making things seem as though they are the worse they'll ever be. And this is where I am currently. Isolated from the world around me, not because I worry about the judgement of others; but because I care about my own skin, my face, I want to represent the best me everyday... but I can't do that (although I know realistically I could) because my obsessive compulsive mind won't allow me to. My day starts off in fear; fearful to take a look in the mirror; will there be a new challenge (a new zit) to face today? And if so, how am I going to work around it? Will I pop it? Conceal it? Touch it? Medicate it? Or squeeze it enough that I make things entirely 100% worse off than they were, now dealing with horrific scab that looks like I underwent minor surgery... so many questions, so much anxiety, so much fear. My brain rattles, I feel panicked. Some days are worse than others, on bad days I find myself checking the mirror more often, just to make sure nothing has changed, other days I say "f*** it" and hide from the mirror because it's just too much, too emotional to even face myself. I know I can be hard on myself, but this is a tragedy. It's no way to live. I want to change the way I feel about my skin; myself. It's hard to just let things be... to not have control over my hormonal acne is absolutely crushing on my self esteem. And sometimes I only make it worse. I can't be the very best me when I am feeling so low about myself. These feelings go against everything I stand for; to live fully. This toxic, depressive time makes me feel ashamed because life is passing me by -- just outside these walls. But I find comfort here. I am in a safe place. Maybe it's time to learn to accept my flaws, but to also learn by doing that, to accept the loss of control. With time, self-reflection, prayer, and meditation, I can heal. 

Entries in this blog


Blog Entry No. 1

Today started off like most; fear, anxiety, other words, I pretty terrible way to start your day....and I've been living this way for 13 years. I've been on for many years now, popping in from time to time, finally becoming a member back in 2012. I find peace here... talking with others who are experiencing the same things; whether it's acne itself or they psychological effects of acne; depression, scabbing, scarring, hyper-pigmentation, etc. And I enjoy being here for you guys too, lending a helping hand and sharing my experiences.

Discussing acne in general, in public, is definitely an awkward subject, so having this community as always been something I could come to in good times and bad. 

Back in June this year my skin started acting differently... I was getting a lot of clogged pores (which is not common for me whatsoever), and tiny little bumps everywhere along my chin and around my nose. It drove me insane. I was committed to not use BP or any other harsh chemicals on my skin, since i had been BP-free and SA-free for about a year with success. But something changed; as most things in life do. I was fed up come August and got topical clindamycin to help, and it did, but it never truly does lasts or prevents new lesions. In September I quit birth control pills and my spirnolactone to start trying for our first baby; my skin remained relatively in good condition until mid October. My skin got dry (perhaps due to the weather changes) and I opted for a new foundation; what a terrible idea. Major clogged pores and breakouts in the weeks to come. In mid November I started getting cystic acne again, not just one at time, but 2-3 at a time. It's been a terrible two months to say the very least. In the past two months I've had 10 cystic lesions, 7 of which were hit with a cortisone shot, 1 that disappeared as quickly as it appeared (which yes, is amazing) and two that I thought I could extract myself... and today I sit here in my home office with a hydrocoloid bandage on my face.... (lets just say it did not go well)... the repercussions of trying to extract a cyst are HUGE. Bigger than the cyst itself. Embarrassment, shame, guilt, and potential scarring....oh and the hiding in your house all weekend to follow. Sigh. 

I want to CHANGE this behavior. I want to live my life through acne differently. I want to be bigger and better than the acne itself and not let it define me. Being perfect is not possible, I know this... but why has my life surrounded this entire notion that I have to be perfect and yet I don't hold that standard to anyone else. It sounds absolutely crazy... But I know I'm not the only one. I can't be.  

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